Family completely against LDRs, what do I do?

[BurningWater]

I'm not really sure where to begin, so I guess I'll try to make this brief.
I'm 18 years old. I've had experience with long distance friendships before as well as something like a relationship that never really got to take off,it was in secret and when I finally brought it up to my family that I wanted to be with her, they shut me down and made me cut communication. That was about three years ago. Since then, I've gotten all the way through high school. I kept in contact with a few of the friends I met online, unbeknownst to my family. One of them is my friend Taylor, who turns 17 in a few weeks. A few months ago, Taylor and I had a discussion about our feelings, in which she said that if we ever were to get together, things most likely wouldn't work because of my family, and the distance. I thought she was simply writing us off when she said that, but a few days ago we had a conversation, and she clarified that when she said that, she wasn't trying to write the idea of us off, she was merely giving me the option since she knew how my family was and didn't want to put me through any stress. I was already pretty comfortable with myself and she was a great addition to my life, so to know that she also considered me a great addition to hers was wonderful.
Now here is the problem. My family values education over everything else except God. Before I think about girls at all, I must have my first degree. Now if I knew that after 21-22 I could date Taylor with no qualms, I probably wouldn't have much of an issue waiting and just staying friends for now. And I get it, I still have growing up to do, even if I am 18. But that's the other issue. My family is completely against LDRs or anything of the sort that contains someone I never met in person. They have the stereotypical fears of her being some sort of predator or pedophile.
I've tried to disregard this with her and the other friends I'd made as we had talked for years, texted, had phone calls and exchanged sign pictures (pictures where you ask someone to make a specific sign for you that contains your name and anything else you want, in order to discourage the idea of a fake picture from google images). I even spoke to Taylor's mom in particular. The only thing I haven't done with Taylor yet is Skyped. I brought all of this information up but never even had a chance to show my family the sign pictures or let them talk to her mom, they just shut everything down and forbid me from talking about her or anyone else I met online. That was a little while ago, a few months to a year ago.
In this current moment, Taylor and I still talk behind my parents' back. I know that's wrong, yet to cut someone off when you know your intentions are well founded and that you have enough evidence to discredit assumptions seems worse. Her family seems okay with me, her mom has even on occasion asked if we were dating. It's only my family that presents a problem.
I feel horrible, because I know that once I reach the age my family prefers, Taylor would be the first one I call. I wouldn't want to put her through waiting for me, and we discussed this and she seems to want all or nothing (relationship or friends). To make someone wait for three years seems crazy, yet at the same time I don't want to give her up. I don't want to just be friends on the slim chance that she'll be single in three years (she's absolutely gorgeous to me and a keeper, any guy would be lucky to have her). I was debating waiting for her to get a computer before bringing this up again even though I've been forbidden (her current computer is busted), so that in case I could actually somehow get my parents to budge enough, they could meet over Skype. Even so, we could probably do it on her phone now if my family would accept that and if her phone worked well with Skype. It would be such a tough sell though, seeing their well founded yet sort of extreme dislike for LDRs, as well as the fact that our races are different (she's Caucasian born in the USA, my family is from Africa born and raised and I was born here in the USA).
I just need advice. Sorry for the length.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

It's hard for anyone to give you advice on this. It kind of sounds like you have your mind made up either way, so no matter what some strangers on the internet think, you will still probably do what you want. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I would just say that long distance is hard enough with support of friends and family. If you don't have that support plus you have three years until you even start dating/meet in person, that is a lot to handle. Realistically speaking, once you go to college and you are both adults, you have opportunities to talk and act outside of your parent's control. With that being said, if your parents are paying for your education and anything else, it's probably not wise to be dating behind their back as, even though you are an adult, they kind of own you until you're done with school. Best of luck to you, and I hope that you make the right decision.

[BurningWater]

I wish I had my mind made up. I'm honestly leaning towards just being friends with her. It would hurt both of us, but at the same time it seems like the only viable option. I still want to give talking to my family a go though, even if dating is off limits for now, being able to talk to her and others without having the feeling like it's behind their back would be liberating. Any advice on that? It's tough because they've forbidden me even talking about them.
Long distance definitely is difficult, but I feel like she'd be worth it. That support would be extremely helpful, it would all be hard nonetheless, but I'd be so much better with support than without it.

[CanadianGirl]

I think it's ridiculous for your parents to forbid you from even thinking about dating until 21-22. It's up to you if balancing a relationship/friends/life with school is too much to handle or not. If it is, then sure, just wait it out. If it's not and your parents are making you feel guilty for making adult decisions for yourself...then maybe you need to ask yourself if you're only living life for your parents. Surely, they just want what's best for you but I don't think anyone but yourself really knows what that means.

My mom was the same way and I hid my relationship at the start but that started to feel sad and childish. Plucking up the nerve to really talk about it with her is probably one of my best decisions. Even though our relationship was a bit strained for a few months, it's stronger than ever now. You have to stand up for yourself eventually and only you're going to know when the time is right to do that. Good luck with everything!

[hmrambling]

OP, I read through your post. I understand that your family is not only against LDRs, but that they place a high value on education and God. Your title reads as though they simply oppose long distance relationships, but the body of your post reads like they place a very high priority on education because of their value system.

Another concern that I see is that you have continued long distance communication in secret. Trust is established over time. You continue to talk in secret, therefore lying to your family about contact with her. This sort of behavior will not build trust with your family.

You're 18. If you want to live a life of your own, you're able. It seems that you want to make your own rules, which you are perfectly capable of doing if you are living on your own. However, if you are living with your family, they have some say in what happens under their roof.

I understand that you want to pursue a LDR and that you want your family to support your relationship. However, secretly contacting people and lying is not a way to gain your family's support. A relationship born of lies and secrets often has challenges along the way.

In my opinion, if you continue to contact Taylor, you need to be honest. Your family may never support your LDR. Or they might. Hiding it with lies and secrets will not gain trust or support, though.

If my parents were able to pay for my college, and I was living under their roof, they would have communicated to me the importance of my education and expressed that my education needed to be a high priority. They couldn't afford college for me. I put romantic relationships first. Then I dropped out of college. That's not terribly uncommon. Your parents don't want to see the same thing happen to you.

[BurningWater]

OP, I read through your post. I understand that your family is not only against LDRs, but that they place a high value on education and God. Your title reads as though they simply oppose long distance relationships, but the body of your post reads like they place a very high priority on education because of their value system.

Another concern that I see is that you have continued long distance communication in secret. Trust is established over time. You continue to talk in secret, therefore lying to your family about contact with her. This sort of behavior will not build trust with your family.

You're 18. If you want to live a life of your own, you're able. It seems that you want to make your own rules, which you are perfectly capable of doing if you are living on your own. However, if you are living with your family, they have some say in what happens under their roof.

I understand that you want to pursue a LDR and that you want your family to support your relationship. However, secretly contacting people and lying is not a way to gain your family's support. A relationship born of lies and secrets often has challenges along the way.

In my opinion, if you continue to contact Taylor, you need to be honest. Your family may never support your LDR. Or they might. Hiding it with lies and secrets will not gain trust or support, though.

If my parents were able to pay for my college, and I was living under their roof, they would have communicated to me the importance of my education and expressed that my education needed to be a high priority. They couldn't afford college for me. I put romantic relationships first. Then I dropped out of college. That's not terribly uncommon. Your parents don't want to see the same thing happen to you.

They do have their values, that's true. For my older sister and my brother in law, they focus on education and God. For my mother and father, it's more just the idea about education, my father isn't much of a believer and my mother seems to sort of be on the fence. Regardless, they have pressed the importance of education time and time again and are choosing to pay for my education, they also made my college choice because it was the only thing they could really seem to afford without loans.
Talking in secret is a concern, and I've brought it up before. Their first response was to make me cut everything, and that was years ago. I deactivated practically all of my social media. After being allowed to bring it all back up, their next response when I brought it up again because I kept communication down but missed them, was to forbid me from speaking about them ever again. As time went on Taylor and I got back in contact through her texting me, as well as her reading my poetry on Tumblr and messaging me through there like any of my followers could. I've always felt this guilt for talking to her, yet at the same time saw no real reason why I shouldn't. I saw no logical reason for my parents to forbid me, if it was a matter of managing time, I could handle that, and I could prove she wasn't a pedophile by webcam. I guess my anger with my family refusing to hear me out led me to disobey. It pains me that I know they want the best for me and that's why they do what they do, like any parent or older family member that cares would. Yet I feel like I'm truly missing out on a lot because of it, this LDR included.
I'm still currently under my family's roof and will be at least until college is finished. I would love their support, but even with the evidence I have they continously refuse. They won't let me bring up the issue anymore, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out how to bring it up, and the best I could come up with was to write a poem and perform it for them to hear. If I dared to bring it up in a normal conversation they would barely let me begin. I wouldn't allow my relationships to interfere with my schooling, I already proposed to my family my own personal plan to finish college in three years instead of the usual four or longer, and Taylor knows of this and has agreed to give me all the space I need to reach my goal. I guess this LDR really is something I'd love to try and I don't like that I've been forbidden.

[hmrambling]

OP, your last response really reads like you're determined to continue contact. That means that you are also determined to continue lies and secrets. Again, lies and secrets don't build trust. You want support from your family, but your behavior doesn't merit trust.

I truly understand that you disagree with your family's position. There comes a time, sometimes, as adults that we have to agree to disagree. There is a way to respectfully disagree that doesn't involve lies and secrets.

Studies show that our brains don't fully think like adult brains (psychologically/maturity) until our twenties. No one is doubting your intellectual intelligence, however emotional maturity can be an entirely different ballgame.

If your family forbids the relationship, are you prepared to support yourself and put yourself through school? Or do you intend to live in lies and secrets under their roof?

[BurningWater]

OP, your last response really reads like you're determined to continue contact. That means that you are also determined to continue lies and secrets. Again, lies and secrets don't build trust. You want support from your family, but your behavior doesn't merit trust.

I truly understand that you disagree with your family's position. There comes a time, sometimes, as adults that we have to agree to disagree. There is a way to respectfully disagree that doesn't involve lies and secrets.

Studies show that our brains don't fully think like adult brains (psychologically/maturity) until our twenties. No one is doubting your intellectual intelligence, however emotional maturity can be an entirely different ballgame.

If your family forbids the relationship, are you prepared to support yourself and put yourself through school? Or do you intend to live in lies and secrets under their roof?

I would love to respectfully disagree. Is the way to do that to simply cut off contact and harbor this feeling until it goes away? That make sense, that would probably explain why I feel the way I do. If they forbid it, neither. I'd simply have to end it. I'm sure Taylor would understand with me still being under their roof and all. I just want a clear chance to talk to them, without them cutting me off. I doubt it'll end the way I want it to, honestly. I expect that they'll take everything away again like the first time. But being able to get everything off my chest would be nice.

[differentcountries]

I wonder why you are not in contact over Skype.

[BurningWater]

I wonder why you are not in contact over Skype.

Her computer is broken down and she's hoping for a new one around Christmas.

[differentcountries]

Her computer is broken down and she's hoping for a new one around Christmas.

My SO didn't own a smart phone or computer the first months of our relationship. We still managed to Skype almost every day. He borrowed devices from friends or went to internet cafees. That may be expensive for your girlfriend but perhaps she can afford it occationally.

I don't think who you date as an adult is your parents business, unless you bring someone home or they pay for the relationship. But they are right to place a high value on education. My point is that if you want to continue to see her, take more uppertunities to get to know her. See her body language online. Eventually meet up. Take care of your school stuff at all times .When you consider introducing her to your parents you will know her better and be certain she is worth your hassle and is not the distraction they fear she will be.

[BurningWater]

I don't think who you date as an adult is your parents business, unless you bring someone home or they pay for the relationship. But they are right to place a high value on education. My point is that if you want to continue to see her, take more uppertunities to get to know her. See her body language online. Eventually meet up. Take care of your school stuff at all times .When you consider introducing her to your parents you will know her better and be certain she is worth your hassle and is not the distraction they fear she will be.

Well, they definitely make it their business. I'm still under their roof, so even though they're not paying for my relationship, they are paying for me. We're technically not even together, this whole ordeal was over the possibility of getting together. Taking care of my school stuff won't be a problem, and getting to know her even more sounds like a good idea.

[BurningWater]

In my opinion, if you continue to contact Taylor, you need to be honest. Your family may never support your LDR. Or they might. Hiding it with lies and secrets will not gain trust or support, though.

I talked with my father about it. He said they he had no quarrel with me speaking to her, but that dating anyone right now and meeting her was out of the question. Considering that we weren't already dating and were merely talking about the prospect on top of the fact that meeting already wasn't in our immediate future, this didn't bother me at all. My mother is still against me even talking to her, again with the idea of education being my first priority, which makes sense.
I've decided to do my best to complete college in three years instead of four, and am already tuning my schedule to that idea, as I'm starting next week. I let Taylor know about my plan during the first time we discussed this, and she seemed to understand that I'd be busy. We haven't come back to the discussion since, and if/when she brings it up, despite how I may feel, I'm planning on telling her that I want to respect my family's wishes in regards to dating and education, while also reiterating how busy I'll become.
Given that my father has said yes to speaking with her, I feel like unless she's uncomfortable, just being friends wouldn't be bad..

[whatruckus]

Why is it their business if you talk to her and/or want to date her? It's your life. You're an adult now. Even if you live with them/they support you, dating her and even talking to her shouldn't be a big deal. At this point they have no idea if she will impact your school life, so making assumptions that she will is pretty ignorant. Would they react any different if she lived closer? IMO, I feel like an LDR would be a perfect choice if you are in school, you won't be devoting as much time hanging out and whatnot.

Just my two cents.

[Alyhere]

Firstly, it seems like a very tough situation to be in, and I hope things will eventually find their place.

Now, I can understand parents having a strong say on what you do because I live with my parents too, and probably more often than not we'll disagree and they'll have the final say and I will have nothing to do about it, and eventually that's just something to come to terms with.
When I started my LDR (I was 18 at the time), my parents didn't like it too much, but their attitude initially was that it probably won't last long anyways, and so they let me do it for a little bit, until they saw how serious it was all getting. I never really had to sell the relationship to them, even though they thought it was pointless, they had to eventually accept that I didn't want anyone closer.

What I'm struggling to understand is whether your parents are against dating anyone until after college? (which as someone said before I think is a bit unreasonable, as you can at least try to balance college and relationships, it is doable if that is what you want) or is it this particular girl because of their trouble with long distance?
If the struggle really is the distance, and I can understand how hard this must be with them not wanting to hear you out, but if you want this, you will need to try to get them to understand how you feel about Taylor, I thought meeting her over Skype was a great idea too, try to maybe have them get to know a little more about her so she is more than a name?

I do agree that developing a relationship with her (whether it is romantic or not) behind your parents' back isn't the best choice, and like you said, you want to be able to get everything off your chest, so my best advice to you is that you try to find the balance, since neither extremes will make you happy. Maybe you could 'negotiate' with your parents about Taylor that you'll stay friends until you finish studying, but you get to at least be in contact with here as a friend?

In any case, I wish you the very best and I hope you're happy by the end of it.

Edit: Since a bunch more was said while I took my time replying, I see that the issue is dating in general, in which case I really do think that as much as you parents have a say on what you do, you can decide what you want to do and if you are okay with not dating, thats fine, but if its something you want very badly I say try to reason with them again and again and if nothing happens, tell them that you want this, with education still being a top priority, but that you don't want to give up on this.