Feeling lost and struggling with the distance

[LivingInWonderland]

I told myself not to post on the forum again, a few months back. Just because it doesn't seem to be the best place for me. I feel as if nobody here takes anyone seriously, or everyone is just very negative. But I don't know where else to post this. I just need a place to kind of get things off of my chest, in a place where hopefully someone understands. This is more of a rant than anything, so if you are not in the mood to read something of that sort, you are not obliged to stay.

I visited my boyfriend for the first time two months ago. I was in Arkansas with him for three days, and then went to Florida for a week with him and his family, and then spent another four days with him in Arkansas before I went home. The time we spent together was amazing. He and I have been best friends for so long, and had been dating for seven months when we met in person, and it was just incredible to be together in person for once. To have all of the physical aspects of a relationship, for however brief the time was. It was just.... Amazing. We were both beyond happy. It was rare that there wasn't a time where we were holding hands or within a few feet of each other. We were inseparable.

Then came the time to leave. It was beyond hard. Saying goodbye to him at that airport, and having to just walk away and leave him behind was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I cried a lot on the way home. And cried even more after arriving home. At first the only way I could bring myself to talk to him again was through Skype. But even that did nothing but hurt. I cried a lot the first week after I was home. Then things got a little easier. We made plans for him to come for a visit over the Holidays, and we were starting to really look forward to that.

Then things went pretty bad. You see... I am an Atheist. My boyfriend is a Christian. His parents are very firm believers in that. They believe that you should save yourself for marriage, not live together until marriage, etc etc. There was rarely a time when my boyfriend and I were alone without them hovering around us. Most of the time we spent together, they were right there with us. Which I guess was fine. Better than not being able to see him at all anyways. But we just wanted nothing more than to be alone. We did get our chances at that, which was really.. Really nice. Before I get off topic though... His mom snuck onto his iPad a couple weeks ago and read through a lot of very personal and private conversations. She did this unprovoked. It wasn't like she suspected us of doing something wrong and felt she needed to intervene, or anything of the sort. She just did it to be nosy. She found out some things. Like how my boyfriend and I had slept together, and she went crazy. Things got really really bad. She said some very hurtful things to me, and to my boyfriend about me. She told me that without faith, I don't know what a real relationship is, and that I am not suited for her son. She believes he could do better. What hurts me the most about her saying these things is that when I was there, she absolutely adored me. She begged me to get my nails done with her, she talked to me and wanted to spend time with me all time time while I was there, and she constantly told me how good of a person she thought I was. Then just because she finds out we had sex, suddenly I am a bad person, it's all my fault, and she wants nothing to do with me any more. She constantly reminds my boyfriend that I am not right for him, and tells him that I am steering him down the wrong path. Then she told me that until I believe in God, she is never going to like me, basically. Things got so bad between his mom and I, that my parents had to step in. Sadly that did nothing but make the situation worse. His mom won't even speak to me, and she has been doing everything she can to try and keep Matt (my boyfriend) from talking to me either.

When I was there, she told me multiple times that she could just see that the love Matthew and I had for each other was real, and that despite our age, we really did care for each other. She said she could just see it in our eyes and body language when we were together. Now she tells me she doesn't think our relationship will last two years and tells my boyfriend that I'm not right for him. It all just hurts me.

To make things harder, she is refusing to allow us to see each other again until we are 18. She said that even then, if she could, she wouldn't allow us to see each other then either. But because her son will be a legal adult, she can no longer prevent him from doing so. But the hard thing is, that is ten months from now. Ten months feels like an eternity once you compare it to the long, hard two months it has already been since we saw each other. We are both struggling. I have started working full time, and he has started pursuing getting his drivers license, and we barely have time to talk any more. His mom is constantly making hurtful comments to him about me, and it has just all become very hard. Due to the stress of all of this, the stress from my job, things going on at home, and a lot of other things, I have been struggling with depression. It's hurting my boyfriend to know that I am feeling this way, and it's hurting me that I'm hurting him, and it has all just become very difficult and stressful.

I have started working full time because things have gotten pretty bad over at my boyfriends house. The way his parents are treating him because of the things they found out by invading our privacy, is hurting him. He wants nothing more than to be out of their house, but he has nowhere to go. So after sitting down with my parents and discussing things with them, I will be working full time to save money for us to hopefully get a place together in a year and a half, two years at most. My boyfriend will be getting a job as well as soon as he can get his parents to allow him to do so, and will be starting a savings as well. His parents are very against us living together, and have been doing everything they can to prevent him from reaching our goals. Which is why I am working as much as my job will allow right now. And it's exhausting. But hopefully worth it, if I can get my boyfriend out of the poor situation he is in.

I don't expect answers for this. I just really need a place to get things off of my chest, in a place that hopefully others will understand.

Long distance relationships are oh so worth it when you truly find the right person. But I never could have anticipated how hard the distance would become to cope with. It has been a struggle for both of us. We are determined to get through it, because we truly do love each other very much. There is not a doubt in either of our minds about it. It is just not an easy thing to deal with. Especially when there is so much doubt from other people being thrown at us. My parents are the only people in support of our relationship. Everyone else it seems, just wants nothing more than to see us go down in flames. Which hurts. But we'll get through this, despite the doubt. It is just going to be far from easy.

Thanks for listening.
-Ashley

P.S. If anyone has anything negative to say, I would prefer you just keep it to yourself. I have been dealing with a lot of negativity in regards to my relationship as is, and I really would just like to not have to deal with it here as well. Thank you. I also do not mean to sound as if my problems are worse than anyone else's, or anything of the sort. I know that it could be worse, and I know that some of you may have it a lot worse than my boyfriend and I do. All I am doing with this is ranting. Hopefully I have not offended anyone in any way, and hopefully I have not come across as just some emotional teenager.

[R&R]

LDR's are tough at any age. My daughter started hers at 16 and they just celebrated their 3 years. One more year to go and though still LDR, he is finally only a 6 hour drive away instead of in another country and time zone where she only sees him once a year.

It's good that you have your parents support. It's always helpful to have someone be able to stand behind you, encourage you and really understand what is going on. Though it's tough going to school and working, it shows that you really want something and you are willing to do what it takes.

Unfortunately, you can't change his parents attitude. Was his mother right to go through his things? As a parent, that's a tough answer. I wouldn't go through my daughters things but they talk to me about EVERYTHING (even some things I wish I didn't know), so no worries there. I don't know why she did it, but she did and the end result is she found something where her child disobeyed the rules. Yes, when he is 18, technically she can't tell him what he can and can't do legally, but they do have the option to tell him what he can and can't do while he lives with them.

I think for right now, you are on the right track. You have taken a negative thing and are trying to do something positive with it. You are working, you have a goal, you have a focus. He is also working on getting through the 10-months by getting his drivers license and finding a job. I know 10 months seems like a long time but it really will go by quicker than you think.

[LivingInWonderland]

Thank you R&R. That was very helpful.

My parents and I, and my boyfriend believe that she had no reason to go through his things. Other than she saw his iPad setting there unsupervised and decided to take it and lock herself in the bathroom for an hour and read through his things. She read a lot of personal things that I have shared with Matt, that I wouldn't dream of sharing with anyone else. I did confront her about it, in a very respectful manor. But all that seemed to do was make things worse. It almost got to the point where she wasn't even going to allow him to speak to me ever again. Thankfully my boyfriends dad is kind of on his side and convinced his mom otherwise. It's just hard for me to know that someone who I trusted, and cared about, and thought genuinely cared about me as well, could be so hurtful. I guess that's just life though.

When I first decided to start this LDR, I never really realized just how hard it would be. I knew it was never going to be easy, but yeah... It's a lot more difficult, challenging and depressing than I ever thought. LDR's definitely aren't for everyone. I have a lot of respect for couples that have gone several years like this. It definitely takes a lot of work and commitment. That's something you don't quite fully realize when you sign up for it.

[differentcountries]

I agree with your SO that his mum overstepped important boundries by reading his private conversation. To my mind, only thinking your child is in danger can justify overstepping boundries like this. As a teen I used to write deeply personal things in my journal next to family members knowing they wouldn't look and least of all my parents. I had a friend once who read my journal and I never talked to her again. Your SO is almost an adult and his mum feels the need to monitor his sexlife, that is just weird and intrusive, even for concervative Christians. My dad is a minister but my parents would never survail me even when I was a teen and they deeply resented people who did that to their kids. How you behave is between yourself and God, that is how I was raised and my dad actually cringed when someone told him my sister was a virgin when she married. Because although he was too and thinks it is important to wait, he doesn't like such a private decition to become a public matter and he doesn't feel it is his role to be included in his daughter's sexlife! It is sad his parents have such strict views but you seem to take it in stride. Perhaps too he can forgive his parents, who probably do these things from a place of care and concern. I wish you luck.

[sasad]

Yup. As a parent of a now 19 year old boy, I would never ever snoop unless it was because of something dangerous like drugs etc. I think that was wrong and as parent, if they had good connection, she should have talked to him.
My then 17 year old had a gf that was 16. They slept together in my house after being talked too by her mother about not doing anything. Well they are teenagers, had 30 minutes alone and ..... So the girl printed out an email from my sone about love and what they did. Her mom got it and hell broke loose. Funny cuz I am the catholic one right?
It happens, love and feelings happen. Almost all of us have done something before marriage, especially us hippie kids , best I could do was support the kids and talk to them about respecting parents even if they don't like it. Like you are handling it. I would be extremely proud of your goals and what your plans are.

Best you can do is to continue on. Build your life. Make plans. Once you are an adult , you all can prove yourselves. Best of luck to you all!

[LivingInWonderland]

Thanks everyone, for the support and kind words. It means a lot to me.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Ten months is a very long time. No one here will deny the fact that it is going to be very hard for you both. If you get nothing else from this site, take away the fact that people can and do make it through a year without seeing their loved one. In fact, there are quite a few that only saw their loved one a handful of times over several years. I can't imagine how crazy hard it must be, but you can get through this if you support each other in the tough times. Support of family members is extremely important (especially when we're still young!), but that doesn't mean that you can't make it by creating your own support systems outside of family members. Do you guys have close friends that are supportive of you?

[LivingInWonderland]

Ten months is a very long time. No one here will deny the fact that it is going to be very hard for you both. If you get nothing else from this site, take away the fact that people can and do make it through a year without seeing their loved one. In fact, there are quite a few that only saw their loved one a handful of times over several years. I can't imagine how crazy hard it must be, but you can get through this if you support each other in the tough times. Support of family members is extremely important (especially when we're still young!), but that doesn't mean that you can't make it by creating your own support systems outside of family members. Do you guys have close friends that are supportive of you?

Sadly, no. Not any relatively close friends. We do have a few mutual friends that are supportive of our relationship, but they all live in other states. We all came to know each other on the same website.

We believe we may have found a way to close the distance a year from now. I'm thinking we will be renting my parents house with two of my siblings. It's still not set in stone, but it is a likely possibility. The wait is becoming a little easier, knowing we may not have to be long distance for too much longer. I mean, a year is still a long time. But not in comparison to what it would have been otherwise. We are thinking we may be able to close the distance shortly after my boyfriend graduates from high school next summer. He is homeschooled as I was (I graduated this summer), but he still needs to take his GED's and stuff in Arkansas before he feels okay with leaving. Which is smart.