We Argued :(

[Catinahat89]

We've been together a year come the end of September. We met up this weekend- we see each other every fortnight if we can, though hadn't stayed together for 6 weeks due to his ongoing job seeking commitments and my childcare.
Anyway we had a lovely time, met about 2pm, grabbed some food, watched TV and so on and so forth.

He texted his family goodnight and his mum replied so he asked me to read what she'd said cos he was brushing his teeth 'goodnight hisname,girlsname thanks x'
I'd seen the girls name before in a message that had come in when he was visiting me, but never thought anything of it. Anyway, this time I asked about it- he said the girls name is his ex girlfriend and that she has randomly messaged him with a crisis in the last couple of months, he hasn't seen her since before we met over a year ago, and that they are just, barely, friends. She needed advice and he gave it, nothing more he promised. He said he'd talked to his mum about it and she must have gotten the wrong end of the stick and thought them talking to each other meant they were meeting again. For the record I've never met his family, and he's only met my son once and my mum and dad by accident when he visited (as in, not a planned meeting).

He wanted to leave (we were in a hotel) but it was late and I asked him to stay- he said he gets uncomfortable in confrontational situations, I told him I don't mind him being friends with his ex, it just felt deceitful he hadn't told me about her getting back in touch. He said he hadn't because he didn't want to upset me. Anyway he stayed, we slept in the same bed, and talked the following morning to clear the air somewhat- he said he felt much better, said it was my being upset that upset him. He did admit though he needed some time with himself- it's how he deals with conflict, he shuts himself away- did the same with his own brother a few weeks back as an example.

He kissed me goodbye and told me he'd talk to me soon. Aside from him thanking me for letting him know I got home safely I haven't heard anything from him. I texted goodnight like I normally do, can see he read the message but he hasn't replied or been online all morning. Now I know he said he needed space, so I've not contacted him again but I'm utterly distraught. I don't believe he is cheating on me, I don't believe he is a bad man, but I can't fix this while we are apart and it hurts having to wait I am so sorry and wish I hadn't made such a big deal over something that's turned out to be so innocent.

How does anyone recover from arguments in long distance relationships? How do you resolve the conflict when you can't show them how sorry you are? I dearly love him, and he said yesterday he isn't just going to disappear on me.

I've been hurt in the past and I know I'm tarnishing him with the brush of my ex, but I'm so frightened I'm going to lose him because of my own irrationality.
Help..

[Ahava]

To me the "argument" doesn't sound too bad. You didn't blow your top of and accuse him of cheating, just wanted some answers which is understandable and human.
His behaviour on the other hand sounds like he has some baggage of his own to sort out.
I can understand not dealing well with conflict, but I don't see this as much of a conflict, more of a misunderstanding that needed to be clarified.
Had you accused him of cheating when it was a misunderstanding, I could understand him wanting some space and maybe not talking to you for an hour or two, but this sounds unhealthy.

You need to learn to communicate to each other about boundaries and how you are going to resolve confllict, because real arguments will arise in the future and it's not on if he disappears for days everytime.
He needs to grow up. (This coming from a 35 year old who cries like a baby and sulks for a while )

[Ahava]

Oh and to your question...we've only ever had one or two real arguments so far. The rest have been upsets inside my head.
I usually end up writing him lenghtly emails when I have managed to think things through in my own head and got some clarity for myself as in why am I upset.
I don't give him silent treatment in the meantime, we are pretty normal during that day or two that I process things in my head.
Then we usually talk about things on Skype.

We don't like to dwell on things, both are able to apologise etc.

It's more "fun" arguing during a visit coz then you can have make up s**

[differentcountries]

We only ever had one sort of fight, which was during the nine weeks between meeting and having the first visit to him. I was pissed off at him because he was so flakey and unwilling to agree to a plan for meeting up. So I said some... To my mind not too bad things, but he got so hurt it was hurtful to watch him. At the same time I was still pissed at him. He still sometimes talks about that day! He says we fight better now.

All the rest om things have been, for the most part temper tantrums and crying on my side and him withdrawing mentally or doing physical pranks. I am not sure if they quality as fights, because our dissagreements are usually solved within 24 hours and usually much quicker too. The solving part usually consists of me going beyond myself and asking what we can change, reminding him that we are a team. And then we both say we are sorry and we hug. There is no makeup sex as in extra sex, but sometimes following such a minsture fight I can sense that everything in him and us opens up more. So I will say that the sex gets more intimate. I think it touches him that I cry.

We don't have a fight now, but high season is very demanding. I keep wishing he could get that ONE day off from work (he has worked non stop since April). I really don't know what to say or do because I can see how preassured he is and at the same time I long for so many things to change. I have trouble going to the restaurant because I hate his double shifts. I just get so angry and sad and I don't know what to do.