Did I make a mistake?

[GeorgeNikolov]

Hello! I just found the forum, while searching for some advices and opinions for my situation. So here is the story.

We met this summer through Tinder (a friend told me about it and I was bored at the time, so decided to give it a try). She is 22, I am 25. At first it was just small talk, nothing special, but after some time we started texting a lot and that led to an actual date. I really liked her, she also liked me. You would say - perfect, go for it. The thing is that we are studying in different countries - she is in the UK, I am in Austria (we both are Bulgarians, so we were in Bulgaria for the summer, I will stay a little longer here). An additional obstacle - she was about to go abroad in 2 weeks for her 10 month internship in France. So basically I didn't wanted to start anything serious, because I have already been in a long distance relationship several years back and it ended kind of bad. Anyway, there were another 5 dates and during her last days here something led to "The Talk" and we both agreed that we like each other and we both have the feeling that it was kind of unnatural to end things like that. So we decided to give it a try.

So now she's been gone for 1 week. We talk a lot - texting during the day, video conversations almost every night... And when I see her, how she looks at me - I feel really great. We can talk about everything, she wants to share things with me, she thinks about me. But sometimes there is this thought in my mind that all of this is just a big illusion. And what's the other thing that is bugging me is the fact that she is that kind of person who always wants to go out, to be with people and everything. So basically I am thinking here - am I just her "filler" - the guy that is there, the one that fills the gaps in her free time, the one that she talks with only because she still doesn't know a lot of people there... Meanwhile, for the first time I really have the feeling that I want things to work.

I keep telling myself - just keep it simple, no pressure or anything; but sometimes I tell myself - why do the LDR again...

Thank you for your comments!

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD.

You both decided mutually to give the relationship a try. You have to trust that she is in this relationship just as much as you are. Just because she likes to go out with friends and she has a lot going on doesn't mean she thinks any less of your relationship. She is going to have a life outside of the relationship - all people do even when they live close by. You also need to focus on your individual life and not make this relationship and what she is doing your entire focus.

If you find that it's too difficult, then maybe you need to go back to being friends until she comes back. LDR's aren't for everyone.

[snow]

If you both decided to be in this relationship and she spends lots of time with you online/through calls, even though she is a very social person and likes to go out, I'd take that as a sign that she's really interested in you and likes to spend time with you. See it for what it is and not for what it possibly could be :P

[lykim]

Hello! I just found the forum, while searching for some advices and opinions for my situation. So here is the story.

We met this summer through Tinder (a friend told me about it and I was bored at the time, so decided to give it a try). She is 22, I am 25. At first it was just small talk, nothing special, but after some time we started texting a lot and that led to an actual date. I really liked her, she also liked me. You would say - perfect, go for it. The thing is that we are studying in different countries - she is in the UK, I am in Austria (we both are Bulgarians, so we were in Bulgaria for the summer, I will stay a little longer here). An additional obstacle - she was about to go abroad in 2 weeks for her 10 month internship in France. So basically I didn't wanted to start anything serious, because I have already been in a long distance relationship several years back and it ended kind of bad. Anyway, there were another 5 dates and during her last days here something led to "The Talk" and we both agreed that we like each other and we both have the feeling that it was kind of unnatural to end things like that. So we decided to give it a try.

So now she's been gone for 1 week. We talk a lot - texting during the day, video conversations almost every night... And when I see her, how she looks at me - I feel really great. We can talk about everything, she wants to share things with me, she thinks about me. But sometimes there is this thought in my mind that all of this is just a big illusion. And what's the other thing that is bugging me is the fact that she is that kind of person who always wants to go out, to be with people and everything. So basically I am thinking here - am I just her "filler" - the guy that is there, the one that fills the gaps in her free time, the one that she talks with only because she still doesn't know a lot of people there... Meanwhile, for the first time I really have the feeling that I want things to work.

I keep telling myself - just keep it simple, no pressure or anything; but sometimes I tell myself - why do the LDR again...

Thank you for your comments!

Welcome to LFAD,
I gathered some thoughts from your post OP:
1. The first thing I noticed whilst reading your post was the 3 year age gap; whereas you're maybe looking for a concrete 'solid' relationship, she is ready to meet new people and experience life more at 22.
2. Also, if you knew about the obstacles and your past long distance relationship experience then why did you choose to pursue something that, probably, with her attitude will never work?
3. What did 'The Talk' (as you call it) include, by this I mean was it you who initiated the conversations about 'giving it a try'?
4. The early signs seem promising with frequent texting and video chatting but in the end I do believe you will be pushed to the side and life will take over due to the fact she's 22, wants a life, will meet new people. I'm sorry but I can't say this is going to end any better than your previous LDR.
Best, CC.

[differentcountries]

If you wonder if there is any future in it - talk, get to know each other more,plan for the near future: Skype, visits etc. The next few months will tell you what you need to know.

[GeorgeNikolov]

Thank you for all your replies! It is nice to hear another opinion for my situation.

snow, that is exactly what I am going to do - enjoy it the way it is and see what comes out of it.

lykim, so, for your thoughts:

1. I don't know what will happen. In the end relationships get solid with time, even if at first there are no indications for that.

2. The last time I was in LDR the girl was quite different - she was really passive and her friends were trashing on our relationship from the start, constantly trying to convince her that it will never work. I can't say that the same applies for the moment, since there are times when she shows that she is devoted to this relationship.

3. "The Talk" was actually initiated by her. We were sitting next to each other, my phone was on the table and she saw that a girl was texting me and she got mad. Then said that may be we should talk about what we are. I was kind of skeptical at first due to my past experience in LDR, but in the end our feelings were mutual. She said that she likes me a lot, doesn't know how it would be, but was feeling unnatural to end things when she leaves. I was feeling the same way, despite the fact that I was trying to convince myself not to.

4. In the end that is who she is - going out is part of her character and I don't think that I would be able to change that. In fact, it should not be fair to do it.

[RavenThing1]

I say go for it. Talk to her about what she wants and see if you both are on the same page. If you both agree to make it work, then it will. The most important aspect of an LDR is communication. As long as you both stay open to where you are and how you're feeling, there's no reason not to pursue!

I wish you and your SO the very best

[JaneEmily]

Welcome to LFAD,
I gathered some thoughts from your post OP:
1. The first thing I noticed whilst reading your post was the 3 year age gap; whereas you're maybe looking for a concrete 'solid' relationship, she is ready to meet new people and experience life more at 22.
2. Also, if you knew about the obstacles and your past long distance relationship experience then why did you choose to pursue something that, probably, with her attitude will never work?
3. What did 'The Talk' (as you call it) include, by this I mean was it you who initiated the conversations about 'giving it a try'?
4. The early signs seem promising with frequent texting and video chatting but in the end I do believe you will be pushed to the side and life will take over due to the fact she's 22, wants a life, will meet new people. I'm sorry but I can't say this is going to end any better than your previous LDR.
Best, CC.

I think your take on it as a bit narrow-minded. I'm 23, just turned and I know many people my age who are in LDRs and are experiencing life at the same time. An LDR doesn't put a stop to those things. You can have a life AND be in an LDR. Her age shouldn't have a factor in this, they're both adults and a 3 year age gap isn't really that much different. It just depends on how mature they both are. My mum has known people in their late 30s still partying like teenagers whilst people a decade younger are settling down and living normal lives. And personally we can't say that he'll be pushed aside by his SO for "more fun and 22yr old aged things" when we know neither of them personally so we can't judge either of them, or what they want out of life.