A rant.. I guess?

[emk4t]

I don't know where I stand with my SO right now. She's been in a LDR before, with her ex for 7 years, so she's completely used to long distance. But this is all new and intimidating for me. I'm quite an independant woman, so I don't need someone to be with be all the time, which is why long distance works for us.

At first we used to Skype nearly every day. We'd spend all day talking on kik or Skype, calling for 3/4 hours at the time. I'd wake up to messages from her and vise versa. And then it all stopped. Lately she's been really busy, and her family are getting her down. I haven't woken up to a Good Morning message in a month. She doesn't bother messaging me when she's at work anymore, and most of the time she's too tired or in a bad mood, so she doesn't want to call.

Today I've had the day from hell at work, and I tried talking to her about it, but she just seemed to dismiss it and said that she was still upset over something her mum said yesterday, and told me she was going to sleep it off. But then I find her talking to other people on Tumblr.

I've told her that I feel like she's being distant countless times, and she always apologises and tells me that she's just super busy and everything. I don't know. I feel like communication is beginning to lack. Maybe it's just a rough patch, but my insecurities are telling me that I'm losing her.

[TheSteelAngel]

This happened to me with my ex too. I would get a good morning text from him every day and we'd talk on Skype for hours. Then it all started to gradually change. It went to the point where he wouldn't talk to me at all because he just got caught up with work. I eventually got fed up with it and left. You guys are almost two months in. That's almost exactly when I started experiencing this problem. If it's bothering you that much then you need to let her know and make sure she understands this. I hope your relationship doesn't end up like mine did. I wish you luck friend

[R&R]

Communication is going to dwindle after time. Granted, two months seems a little soon but every situation is different. My SO says I'm spoiled because he communicates with me every day (even if it's just one text) when he didn't even communicate with ex's who lived with him that often. Our communication has definitely gone down from what it was at the beginning but it's natural.

When you are close distance, you spend all your time together at the beginning and then when you are a bit more secure in the relationship, you start to remember "Oh yeah, there are other aspects to my life that need attention that I have been neglecting (friends, hobbies, etc) and you start to put time back into those. There are times when you are close distance and your SO wants to do something and you don't and so you don't go. You don't feel badly about it because sometimes there are times you just want time to yourself or doing something else and that's okay. In LDR's it's the same when someone doesn't want to talk. It doesn't mean anything against you, but that they do have other things and people that need their attention and we aren't always going to be the focus.

With that being said, you need to discuss with your SO what is expected regarding communication and what is agreeable to both of you. There is going to have to be compromise from both of you as you appear to have different communication needs. And tell her not to apologize if it's something she's not going to change or doesn't really feel sorry about it. She can acknowledge you are upset but she shouldn't apologize if she doesn't mean it. (I've had this conversation with my SO about apologizing. Don't say it if it's not something you are going to change. An apology means nothing if you don't change your behavior.) Also, neither of you should be afraid to say to the other "I really don't want to talk right now". I know there aren't always times my SO wants to talk to me or I don't want to talk to him. It doesn't mean there is something wrong, it just means something else has my focus or there are other ways I want/need to decompress.

[differentcountries]

She wants to be alone when she is upset, you want to bond...unless you find a compromise or a clever solution, that is where it ends.

Have you tried to just have a little fun together? It is sometimes easier to talk about serious things if you first bond over something enjoyable.

[emk4t]

First off, thank you for all the lovely replies.

I guess when we started dating she wasn't that busy. She had work a few days a week, and training, but most of the time we just worked around each others hours, and often managed to Skype call for a few hours. Lately her sister has moved in with them (bringing her husband and toddler), so thats added a lot of stress onto her life. Then, also, she's been working almost every single day. So when she comes home she's tired and wants to watch some TV or sleep. So I get that.. And I can't really be mad at her for being tired.

I spoke to her a little last night, and told her that she was being distant. She says there's stuff going on at home, like her family getting at her over stupid things, and she's quite hung up on it, but she doesn't want to talk about it with me, says it will upset her more. Feels like a cycle though, her family upset her, she doesn't want to talk about it, and she just goes and sits on her own upset. And then I feel upset that I never get to talk to her, but I don't want to tell her that, because she already feels like she's being a rubbish girlfriend right now. She apologised so much last night, saying I deserve better

I've tried having fun, like just calling and chilling like we used to, or even just showing her funny things that I've seen, but sometimes she doesn't feel like talking/is too busy. Stuck in a rut, really. I'm just hoping that whatever's going on at home lets up soon.

[Rose810]

Very Relatable

This same same same thing happened about a year into my friendship (before i was dating him) with my SO. I was soso busy with school and overwhelmed by all of my exams that our communication dwindled. It was so bad he told me he thought our relationship was going to end.. i know this doesnt sound like its helping but just wait.. once most of my worked cleared up we got to talking more and more and then it was summer, this summer actually. And he asked me out a little over a month ago because we got really close this summer, although ive known him for almost 2 years now. My point is, give it time, if its meant to be, itll be. And if it starts to get really bad id say tell your partner how you really feel and that you dont want an apolgoy you want to solve the issue. Wish you both the best of luck xx

[Honour]

Could just be your honeymoon period is wearing off. It's relatively more common than you think. Mad rush at the beginning, everything's all shiny and new, and then things settle down and such. Once you guys settle into a rhythm, and get used to it, it'll be fine. If it continues to stay bad, make sure you talk your concerns through with your SO, and encourage them to share any worries they may have.

[emk4t]

Yeah, we've managed to talk it through, and she even made the effort to call me before she had to go to work today, which I'm super greatful for. I can tell from when I brought it up, that she's honestly sorry for being distant, and she knows how much it's been upsetting me. We've both promised to work on it. She's gonna try and get less hours at work, because she's been overworking and then coming home and just sleeping constantly until her next shfit. Feeling a lot better about everything right now!

Thanks everyone for being so sweet