More issues with my online long distance boyfriend- we haven't met yet

[veganchick222]

I live in new jersey and chris lives in conneticut which is almost a 4 hour drive. The same day after our first Skype video call he kept on asking me to be his girlfriend and I was telling him we should slow down although that's not what my heart was saying. He told me it just feels right so I gave in to what we both wanted despite not knowing the future and now we're dating.even though we only live a few hours away from eachother,I still live at home and if i were to tell my parents I'm dating a guy I met online and im going to met him for the first time. They would think I have a death wish(very old fashioned parents) and I need to keep my sanity so I'm not telling them yet.Chris is a wedding photographer(not his business) and is busy literally almost all the time and there are days where we don't talk but this is something he let me know that could happen. We've been dating over 2 months and I'm starting to feel like the days and weeks are passing but we are not growing.

I can accept how busy he is but what I cannot accept is that when he's not busy whether he's out of work or off of work, he doesn't make time for me. There's been times he's been off and he's hanging out with friends or working on his car- hello what about me? He told me in the beginning how it sucks cause he knows he's not making time for me and that upsets him-- ok then why cant he give up some of his free time to me?

There's also days where I address issues I'd like to resolve with us and find ways to make it better but he either doesn't answer all my questions or doesn't answer at all and basically makes me wonder if he cares that I'm going to bed stressed and frustrated. I don't care how busy or tired he is, if he was the one asking me--- I would drop everything to make sure a conflict gets resolved that day because I wouldnt want him going to bed sad.



Everything will be easier once we start planning visits to eachother but for now this is how it needs to be until I get out of my small financial pickle. I plan to skype with the him about this but should I even do that? Or should I tell him I need a break from him? I still feel strongly that he's it for me but the communication thing man- please offer any advice .

[differentcountries]

People deal with stress in different ways .Some want to be close ,others prefer to be alone. There has to be some freedom between lovers, and there has to be some closeness. Often girls use their friends as models for the relationship, and boys use theirs too, and come up with different solutions. There is no right and wrong here, but you need to talk about how you can find compromises.

SO still don't share his emotions as much as I would like, but he understands why it is important to me and maybe for him in the long run too. I still don't always get why he wants to be alone, but I don't always ask him to share. I do tell him how I feel about important things.

[Unconditional]

Talking to him about this issue hasn't worked so far, what makes you think it will work again? I mean if you feel it's worthy then one more time if it will make you happy. I'm coming from the perspective of that this sounds a bit like my last relationship (except for the fact that it's not nearly to the extent of what I was going through) and that relationship was HELL I should NOT have let it go so long but I was trying to be the perfect, understandable girlfriend and gave him tons of chances to fix the issue. He never did so I decided to end things.
There comes a point when the relationship becomes one sided and you just cannot do it anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this and I do hope you'll heed my advice, because the similarity is uncanny to me. I would love to hear other's opinions though too because i may be a little biased in mine.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Talking to him about this issue hasn't worked so far, what makes you think it will work again? I mean if you feel it's worthy then one more time if it will make you happy. I'm coming from the perspective of that this sounds a bit like my last relationship (except for the fact that it's not nearly to the extent of what I was going through) and that relationship was HELL I should NOT have let it go so long but I was trying to be the perfect, understandable girlfriend and gave him tons of chances to fix the issue. He never did so I decided to end things.
There comes a point when the relationship becomes one sided and you just cannot do it anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this and I do hope you'll heed my advice, because the similarity is uncanny to me. I would love to hear other's opinions though too because i may be a little biased in mine.

I hate to say it, but I was having the same thoughts. If he is able to acknowledge the fact that he isn't making time for you but yet he STILL doesn't change anything and you're only two months in that is not looking too good. I hope for your sake it gets better, but please don't continue in this blind if things don't get better. I also have to question how he is "busy literally all the time" being a wedding photographer. Most weddings happen on the weekends, so I get every weekend, but you really are busy 24-7 during the week too? I don't know, it's not my job so I couldn't say for sure, but it sounds kind of fishy to me.

[differentcountries]

I am not a photograper, but I have used such service a couple of times, and from what I can tell, half of the job is in the studio after the pictures have been taken, editing and preparing the pictures.

[R&R]

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to does not mean they aren't loving you the best they know how." Read that sentence again. Let it sink in.

Now think - is he loving you the best he knows how or is he not loving you the way you want him to? If it's because he's not loving you the way you want him to, you have to decide if this relationship is something you really want. Not every relationship is going to give you 100% of what you want in every aspect. You have to decide if where he isn't giving 100% is it because it's not what you consider 100% or is he giving it the best he can and it's not enough for your needs?

There is nothing wrong with saying "this relationship isn't working for me and I need someone more compatible in these areas". Only you can decide what you can and can't work with in a relationship.

[veganchick222]

Aw im sorry to hear that unconditional. I asked him tonite if hed like is to take a break.he read my text but hasnt answered yet.

[veganchick222]

I'm sorry to hear that. I texted him tonite if he'd like to take a break. He hasn't answered yet

[veganchick222]

when it comes to communication in a relationship- that should be given 100% . He can make time for me,but he's just not

[differentcountries]

I am not sure what a 100 % communication is.... I don't think we are ever able to give all when other things and people have claim on us. It is not about effort, anyway, it is about what works. You need to see what would work for you, and ask for it.

[veganchick222]

he initiated the relationship and ive told him many times how much i miss him over the weeks and over the past week and 1/2 that he needs to make more time for us which shouldnt be hard to do if hes off cause hes says its work that makes him super busy.

[R&R]

when it comes to communication in a relationship- that should be given 100% . He can make time for me,but he's just not

100% communication is different for each person. As I've stated before, my SO owns his own company. He's usually out the door by 6am and sometimes not home until after midnight. Some days for him, 1 text is 100% communication. Other days we get a Skype call or talk on the phone a couple of times.
He still has kids he has to pick up from practice or school sometimes. He has family he checks in on. This past Thursday, he stopped by the bar to pick up some food and finish watching the game. Sometimes, instead of texting or calling me he plays Clash of Clans to unwind instead. There are times I would like more communication but the reality is, this is how it is right now and I have chosen to accept it because he does have a busy life outside of our relationship and he deserves to be able to unwind in ways other than talking to me.

If you have had the discussion with him and things haven't changed, you have a choice to make. You can keep the relationship and realize that right now, this is how things are going to be or you can end it and find someone who better suits your communication needs. Stop putting it on him - you're a big girl and can make a decision. If you're not happy, flat out tell him, "We've discussed multiple times about there needs to be more communication and you agree but then don't make any changes. Though you may be okay with how little we talk, it's not enough for me and right now I need to step back and take a break to decide if this relationship is really what I want."

[LivingInWonderland]

Maybe he is genuinely busy. Do you ask if he can try to make more time for you, or do you tell him he needs to? If it's the latter, maybe he's just feeling pressured. I don't know a guy that doesn't get distant when feeling pressured. My advice would be to just give it time and see where things go.

[veganchick222]

Youre SO has more things on his plate than mine.Im not asking him to talk with me for a whole day when hes off but he cant devote like 20 mins. To me before he goes to hang out with friend or whatever?

[R&R]

Youre SO has more things on his plate than mine.Im not asking him to talk with me for a whole day when hes off but he cant devote like 20 mins. To me before he goes to hang out with friend or whatever?

Then maybe that's showing you something. He is making a priority what is important to him. Apparently, the communication between the two of you isn't it. Or it could be that because he feels obligated, it has taken the joy out of the conversations and so he doesn't.

What are your conversations like? Are they fun and enjoyable like they were at the start or now is it all about being unhappy with lack of communication and making him ending up feeling badly?