LDR boyfriend turned out to be a drunk :(

[RavenThing1]

I finally met my SO last Thursday and he has been drunk ever since. Sunday he drank from 10am - 9pm. Nothing but beer and peppermint schnapps all day. I'm not sure if I can deal with being with an alcoholic. He says he wants to quit drinking, doesn't want to have to drink everyday. And that cutting back is one of his goals. We're almost 2 months in and ... I just don't know. He has also said his drinking has been an issue with every one of his past relationships.

To be fair, he did tell me he was a functioning alcoholic when we were skyping and he knows that is an issue with me. I just never knew how bad it was until I saw him drink every single day.

He's here until Sunday and I plan to have a sit-down talk with him when he's sober and let him know that if he wants to get sober, I will of course, support him every step of the way. If he's not ready to get sober, then we need to re-evaluate where we're going and where we stand. My plan, if it all works out, is to move to his state (VA) in a year or so. But I absolutely will NOT uproot my life, give up my career, family, and friends here, to be with someone who is drunk every day.

I'm incredibly said that he may very well choose alcohol over me because the addiction is so bad

[snow_girl]

We're almost 2 months in and ... I just don't know. He has also said his drinking has been an issue with every one of his past relationships.

Things aren't going to change if this was a relationship ender in the past. You haven't been with him long enough or invested enough time into him to make you have to stay. He's functioning, why should he have to change? Unless he wants to change for himself he won't. No girl in his life in the past has been worth quitting alcohol over, don't think you are going to be any different. If you can't be okay with that, walk away.

[differentcountries]

He might need proffessional help to quit.

[Harlequin]

I agree with snow_girl and differentcountries; this isn't something that's just going to stop because you're willing to support him. If he's drinking THAT much, he's well into the territory of needing professional help to quit, and he's going to need to seek it out himself if he wants to get any better. Wanting something isn't the same as actually doing something. Talk is cheap, and until you actually see the efforts being made, he's probably not actively looking to get better. I do wish you both the absolute best, though, because addictions are tricky.
Also remember that recovery isn't always a clean, consistent path with a clear endpoint. It usually is forever thing, and relapses do happen. Addictive personalities never go away; they just get channeled into other (usually constructive) things.

[R&R]

My uncle was a functioning alcoholic. I only remember a very short time frame where he switched from beer to non-alcoholic beer. He died two years ago of cirrhosis of the liver among other complications from his life long drinking. He was found dead on the floor of by his granddaughter. It was not a pleasant deterioration to watch and she'll have to deal with that for the rest of her life.

For me personally, I don't give a damn if you're a functioning alcoholic or a messy alcoholic - I'm not dealing with it. My daughters dad was an alcoholic and I finally left him. He has been sober for over 10 years now. People can change when THEY want to change and when THEY decide to do it for the betterment of themselves. They can be successful and move on and put it behind them.

The fact that this was your first meet and he couldn't even control it for a few days is huge. If he wants help, he needs to seek it out. You can support him and be there for him as a friend but I don't know if that's a relationship you want to be in. You're only 2 months in. I personally wouldn't invest any more into the relationship unless he can show he's really going to seek help for himself and actually do it.

[Moon]

I take it this is a new situation for you. My ex-husband was an alcoholic, you're only two months into this and the very best advice I can give you is to get out now. You won't change him, only he can change himself, and love absolutely does not conquer all. People may disagree with my fatalistic views on this, but it's something I know, it's something I've lived and it's something I will never allow into my life again. It's just not worth it. If he gets clean someday, great, you can re-evaluate, but for now, run. There is no romance in standing by him, just great disappointment and broken hearts. Staying will not bring you happiness

[Unconditional]

I have to agree with what others are saying.
My ex was an alcoholic. Trust me when I say support and love is not enough. He has to want to change and seek help on his own otherwise it's useless

[TaraMarie]

My little sister was a "functioning" alcoholic. It wasn't pleasant and I worried about her daily. She died 5 1/2 years ago at 40 from emphysema. Although if that hadn't killed her the cirrhosis or lung cancer would have.....it was only a matter of time.

[80anthea]

My mother is an alcoholic too and despite numerous tries and effort on my part she has chosen alcohol over me and my daughter. Quitting is very difficult no matter how much you may love someone and he's the only one who can make that step to change.

[Honour]

Alcoholism isn't a joke. I'm sorry you've been caught between a rock and a hard place, but this isn't something you want to get involved with. I'm going to join the others in saying get out now whilst you still can.

[Ella85]

I don't do this whole 'get out while you still can' stuff, I usually tell people my own opinion and then leave their decision to them. But you know what, I couldn't put myself or my child in that situation. I wouldn't tollerate it. As soon as he'd said he had an issue to you I'd of backed right off. You now know how bad it is and as much as it's against my character to tell someone to break up with someone they love, I've got to agree with everyone here. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak and probably money issues (because addicts will often take from their family too).
I have seen an alcholic at his worst, my ex's brother. He stole from me, stole from his girlfriend and ended up losing everyone and being out on the streets because he just wouldn't stop. Do yourself a favor while you still can, stop the relationship before it goes any further. That doesn't mean you can't be friends, just not in a relationship.

[hmrambling]

As a recovering alcoholic (2 1/2 years sober), I will tell you that you might want to re-think having a relationship with a drunk alcoholic, or a newly sober alcoholic. Drinking is but a symptom of what the real issue is, and chances are that your SO doesn't even know what the real issue is. Drunk alcoholics and newly sober alcoholics bring a lot of chaos into relationships. I did. I don't know drunk or newly sober alcoholics who didn't cause a lot of chaos in the relationship. Of course, he'll say he's the exception. haha. We all are (all alcoholics are exceptions).

In the past, I tried to navigate a relationship with an alcoholic who was newly sober. It was hard. It was chaotic. It was my previous LDR, and those posts wreak of pain and hurt. I don't wish that on anyone.

You might have two months together, but has he been honest about his drinking for two months? I doubt it. You didn't learn about his drinking until you met him face to face. You two already have a relationship based on dishonesty. That's what a drunk alcoholic has to bring to the relationship... tons of character defects and shortcomings. I would question if I could pursue a relationship that has a foundation of dishonesty.

Also, there are plenty of folks out there who have been waiting for YEARS to have "that talk" when their partner is sober. Don't wait years. He may never get sober.

Best of luck to you.

[Miasmata]

A lot of very good and heartfelt posts in this thread, worth taking to heart.

From experiences with an alcoholic mom, I can also tell you to be very careful and consider if this is a relationship you want to have at this point in time. He's not a broken person, but addictions dominate a lot of a person's life and personality. Even when they are functioning. Any change has to come from him and him alone - Loved ones can only be support at best. Recovering from addiction is a very grueling, intimate process, and not everyone can handle having their loved ones see them in that position. There is a lot of shame and fear involved with addiction and trying to move on from it. It's a path you can't force him to go on and that you can't steer for him. He deserves help and support, but please, be honest with yourself if you are willing to stick with someone that you barely know and who might exhaust you more than he enriches you (accidentally or not).

[Ejoriah]

As a recovering alcoholic (2 1/2 years sober), I will tell you that you might want to re-think having a relationship with a drunk alcoholic, or a newly sober alcoholic. Drinking is but a symptom of what the real issue is, and chances are that your SO doesn't even know what the real issue is. Drunk alcoholics and newly sober alcoholics bring a lot of chaos into relationships. I did. I don't know drunk or newly sober alcoholics who didn't cause a lot of chaos in the relationship. Of course, he'll say he's the exception. haha. We all are (all alcoholics are exceptions).

In the past, I tried to navigate a relationship with an alcoholic who was newly sober. It was hard. It was chaotic. It was my previous LDR, and those posts wreak of pain and hurt. I don't wish that on anyone.

You might have two months together, but has he been honest about his drinking for two months? I doubt it. You didn't learn about his drinking until you met him face to face. You two already have a relationship based on dishonesty. That's what a drunk alcoholic has to bring to the relationship... tons of character defects and shortcomings. I would question if I could pursue a relationship that has a foundation of dishonesty.

Also, there are plenty of folks out there who have been waiting for YEARS to have "that talk" when their partner is sober. Don't wait years. He may never get sober.

Best of luck to you.

I don't have anything to add to this thread that hasn't been said already, but I wanted to thank you particularly, hmrambling, for this insight from "the other side" of the issue. I am glad you are doing better.

[Dwessie]

I've never dated an alcoholic, but I've seen some friends who had the most perfect marriage ever end up with a divorce cause the husband became an alcoholic. It wrecks everything THAT much.