LDR when one person is married

[evekendall]

......

[Honour]

Are you receiving some kind of support for your current marital issues and the anxiety/depression? Counselling, therapy, etc. It might be worth considering. I've known someone who's pursued a couple of LDRs whilst in a bad marriage. I'm not sure what else to suggest, other than trying to confide this in a close friend if you haven't already, or someone else who you can talk to this about the problems you're facing. Talking to the right people can make a world of difference.

[Moon]

To be perfectly honest with you, because of the absolute time, effort, and commitment it takes for an LDR to work in a healthy, happy manner, we don't usually react very well to cheating on this forum. Infidelity is something you'll get little sympathy for here, I'm afraid. You might find a few like-minded people, but considering that unfaithfulness is such a fear for many here, you're welcome may be less than warm. No, there's no subthread for cheating.

[sasad]

That was sort of me. I stayed with my spouse to finish raising his 2 kids, my stepchildren. They had a rough time with their whacked mom, so we ended up with custody. I also have a son by him, who is now 10.
We haven't had sex in 7 years. Didn't sleep in the same room. It was bad for me, but I had an end date in sight. We both did.
I met met up with my SO again.. We worked together (my spouse too ack!). 12 years ago and met up about 3 years ago, We started as lunch buddies, he moved to FLorida in February. I left my spouse in July.
It's hard. It's hard with a family. I am very lucky as my ex and I get along better apart, and my step kids and I still have a great relationship. They don't know about my SO.. Actually my son talks to him on skype, but I am waiting a year until everything is final.
Talk to someone. That is what I needed most. Someone who wouldn't judge because they don't know me or my life before. The highs are high and the lows are horrible. Living a lie always is.
I will say I am a much better person now mentally and physically then I was before I left.
Staying for the kids ? I couldn't stay 8 more years and die everyday,

If you want to pm me, please do, I really understand a lot of what you feel now.

Please don't arrack/accuse me of cheating as my ex and I had both moved on mentally and physically.....and we agreed to separate.

[R&R]

LDR’s are tough when both parties are single. Throw cheating into the mix and you’ve set yourself up for such a struggle.

I know what it’s like to be in a bad marriage and have kids. I divorced my daughter’s dad when they were 4 & 5. Was it tough? Yes. Financially it was a killer. Did I survive? Yes. My girls are now almost 20 & 21 and they are both good, well-adjusted young women. They knew things were tough growing up and there were lots of things we couldn’t do because of finances but they also know it was the right thing.

Is your LDR wonderful or is it an escape? You need to also really need to think about the consequences. If your husband were to find out, how do you think that would go over in court when going for a divorce? You’ve spent money that should have been for the kids or the family to go off to see another man. You’ve taken time away from your kids to travel 3,000 miles to go be with another man. He could take it and destroy you. I don’t know how old your children are, but if your husband is as bad as you say he is, he would use it to set the kids against you also. You have a lot to lose.

As tough as it may be, you need to go about things the right way. If this man is who you are supposed to be with, he will wait for you to get your affairs in order. He will support you doing this properly. He will want you to make sure you do things right for you and your kids. He will be understanding and patient.

I am going to be honest with you though – I don’t know anyone who had an affair, left their bf/gf or spouse and then ended up with the other person forever. Every single couple (and I’ve known my share) ended up breaking up before they got married or divorced later on. It came down to the foundation of the relationship started with dishonesty/cheating and then they eventually couldn’t help but wonder about what their partner was doing. It always was in the back of their mind. And in a few cases, one of them cheated on the other. So just be careful.

[Hollandia]

My ex was abusive from having a uncontrollable temper and our marriage was bad for years. I knew leaving him would be a difficult and hard thing to do. I separated from him and 6 months later met my SO while still separated. Because I had been honest with my Ex, my daughter was fine with it eventually. She still loves her dad and so I could not do that to her. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but I ended my marriage. If your husband is abusive then go to a shelter and get out, finances are no excuse to stay with a spouse that abuses you. It also puts your children in bad situation. If your reason for not leaving is more financial, then that is pretty unforgivable. Your kids will grow up and people will tell them what happened and you are putting yourself in a situation where it will put you in an unfavorable light to them. Cheating because of emotional abuse is going to sound like a bad excuse to them.

I have also been a cheated on person in the past, so my only advice I can give is come clean. I don't know anyone in life who cheated who it turned out well for. It always comes out. Staying in a bad marriage for kids is also a bad thing to do, especially if your spouse is abusing you in front of the kids. Get out and get away and then you can stop worrying about lying and live your life with the person you want to, cheat free. He does have a high ground over you, you are cheating, and he is not. Now, you can call it "hiding" but it really is cheating. A part of your SO will also have opinions on this. You are doing something morally wrong. It's also really unfair to your husband since you are sleeping with both of them. I had it done to me from my first husband and trust me it really is a huge violation.

Telling us not to be "judge" just because you said not to won't work, you really can't make those declarations on a forum. You post and people respond as they see fit. As some have said, LDRs are places where most don't look kindly on cheating. I hate to say it, but I can't feel sorry for you, you just left the arms of another man and returned to your husband. Even if he is a emotional abusing jerk, he does deserve better than that. You made this bed and now you have chosen to lie in it, you are going to always feel this way as long as you keep cheating on your husband to be with a LDR lover. If you know you need to leave your husband then you have your answer, leave him, or at the very least tell him the truth and stop sleeping with him. You are making a fool out of him until you do.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Was there more information in the original post? I'm not sure how you all can jump to such conclusions without even knowing a story?

[Harlequin]

Was there more information in the original post? I'm not sure how you all can jump to such conclusions without even knowing a story?

She originally had more to the post, so my guess is she got embarrassed and deleted it.

Basically, she's in an emotionally/mentally abusive marriage, and she's staying in it for financial reasons as well as for her kids. She's also having an affair via LDR, and was looking to see if anyone else on the forums has any experience with situations like this. She was asking no one judge her for what she's doing.

[evekendall]

I'm the original poster. I deleted because I realized very quickly that this was not the place for me. Thank you for summarizing well what I said, Harlequin. I'm not a bad person and I am still looking for support elsewhere. It's funny how everyone TALKS so much about feminism and supporting women in abusive situations - and how important it is to not blame the victim for staying - yet when it comes down to it, the victim-blaming persists. God forbid a woman in that situation tries to grab a SHRED of happiness in an LDR - which is even more difficult in such a fragile state. I wish you all well. Consider yourselves fortunate to be free.

[Hollandia]

I'm the original poster. I deleted because I realized very quickly that this was not the place for me. Thank you for summarizing well what I said, Harlequin. I'm not a bad person and I am still looking for support elsewhere. It's funny how everyone TALKS so much about feminism and supporting women in abusive situations - and how important it is to not blame the victim for staying - yet when it comes down to it, the victim-blaming persists. God forbid a woman in that situation tries to grab a SHRED of happiness in an LDR - which is even more difficult in such a fragile state. I wish you all well. Consider yourselves fortunate to be free.

Victim blaming? I don't think so, from one victim to another....

Your cheating has nothing to do with victim blaming. I said you should get out and away from your husband and not just keep cheating on him. You want support for your cheating. You should leave your husband because of your being a victim and for your kids, which you know. None of which however makes cheating any less wrong nor does it blame you for being a victim.

[R&R]

I'm the original poster. I deleted because I realized very quickly that this was not the place for me. Thank you for summarizing well what I said, Harlequin. I'm not a bad person and I am still looking for support elsewhere. It's funny how everyone TALKS so much about feminism and supporting women in abusive situations - and how important it is to not blame the victim for staying - yet when it comes down to it, the victim-blaming persists. God forbid a woman in that situation tries to grab a SHRED of happiness in an LDR - which is even more difficult in such a fragile state. I wish you all well. Consider yourselves fortunate to be free.

Supporting women in abusive situations - yes. Supporting cheating - no. Two wrongs don't make a right. They are also two completely different things.

Any woman that is being abused and seeks support should get the support she needs. She should also get guidance on how to get out of the situation. It's not healthy for her and it's certainly no way for children to see one parent treating another. They grow up believing this is how it is and then end up repeating the cycle. It's beyond difficult to get out but it can be done. The focus should be on getting out and getting the children out of the situation. The woman needs the emotional support of friends, family and counselors. She may need the support of a woman's shelter. But condoning cheating because of the situation has nothing to do with feminism or with supporting someone in a bad marriage.

[Miasmata]

I absolutely don't blame you one bit for seeking help and affection in other places. It's incredibly human and natural to do. But honestly, even with the cheating issue aside, do you really think that "staying in it for the kids" is the best thing for you and the family? Are you really improving your kids' life by pretending their father isn't horribly mistreating their mother? Who are you protecting here - The kids or the culprit? What good is in it for them if they believe in a father who hurts you?

Please, seek the help of a shelter, counseling for abuse victims, and the works. It's not my place to judge your behaviour, but I really believe you are mistaken if you think that you suffering is the best thing for your family. It isn't, it really isn't. Please focus your energy on coming free and clean. You deserve that, and so do your kids.

[Dwessie]

I'm the original poster. I deleted because I realized very quickly that this was not the place for me. Thank you for summarizing well what I said, Harlequin. I'm not a bad person and I am still looking for support elsewhere. It's funny how everyone TALKS so much about feminism and supporting women in abusive situations - and how important it is to not blame the victim for staying - yet when it comes down to it, the victim-blaming persists. God forbid a woman in that situation tries to grab a SHRED of happiness in an LDR - which is even more difficult in such a fragile state. I wish you all well. Consider yourselves fortunate to be free.

Feminism is the want to have men and women be 100% equal
We'd say a guy who did this is a jerk
So therefore, a woman doing this is a jerk. Feminism!

Also it's not victim blaming, you're staying a victim by boo-hooing about being poor and "doing it for the kids" and cheating. Oh yeah cheating is gonna make it impossible when you DO divorce. Essentially we're not victim-blaming, but we are saying you've made a pretty god-tier irresponsible decision, and you'll regret it

[Zephii]

evekendall, I don't know if you're still coming to this forum and checking this thread. I also don't know the full story because I didn't stop by in time to see the original post, but I wanted to just be nice to you anyway. Something I say might at least make you smile, never know.

So, the first several years of my relationship with my now husband, I was in a relationship with someone else. Obi (the now husband) and I were never "official" but that doesn't matter. Despite being in different countries and not declaring ourselves a couple, what I was doing was certainly cheating. YEARS. Why? Because it's freaking hard to leave, that's why! I didn't have kids (I was still a kid for the most part - I'd been with my partner since I was 15, met Obi online for my 17th birthday.) but I also didn't have money, hadn't finished school, didn't have the knowledge or the life-skills to make my way in the world. Didn't have a job, my partner didn't want me to work.

Did I know cheating was wrong? Yes. Did I want to leave? Yes. But that doesn't really change things day-to-day, as I'm sure you know.

Do I regret cheating? No, not in the slightest. And never once has there been a trust issue in my relationship with Obi. Why? because cheating is a symptom of something wrong in a relationship. I am happy with him. He knows I am happy. When we have problems we talk through it and resolve it. I never have a reason to cheat, there is nothing wrong in the relationship. Even though I have been unfaithful in every relationship I've had previously and even though my best friend is a guy, he has unshakable faith in me. So the assumption that a relationship with a foundation of cheating wont work out is bogus. Just so you know.

Anyway, inevitably you will leave. One day, you will have the strength. Maybe that day will come when you see your partner hurt your children. (I know my ability to find true independence would skyrocket if Obi ever hurt one of our brats!) Maybe it will come because you want to start living your life, and moving forward and actually being happy all of the time instead of just in snippets. Who knows? But one day going forward will be easier than dealing with the things you do now. There's a tipping point. It might take you months of crying yourself to sleep at night and self-talking and saving up. But it will come. And it's no one's place to judge you for not reaching that point yet.

The gist of this ramble is that life will not always be shit for you. There is hope. The best advice I have is to prepare. Things very well might get worse before they get better, they did for me. There was a month where I lived off one egg, one slice of bread and one piece of plastic cheese a day, because there was no money for food. There was no money to pay for electricity to run the fridge! No money meant no contact with my long distance love either. But he knew I had to do this thing, I had to break away from this abusive man. And he was there when I finally found my feet. Love waits. Real love doesn't get distracted, it can't be shaken. It endures. It will be harder with kids, bloody oath. But isn't it better to be FROM a broken home than IN one?

Anyway, good luck. I hope you find the support and kindness you need, and the strength to make the future bright and safe for you and your children.