Failed to cheer my partner up

[Vermilliona]

Hi everyone,

Sorry this is going to be a ramblish post,thanks in advance for reading. My SO and I have been long distance for 5 months, with a month spent together in the middle. He's in Australia, I'm in Spain, I'm coming back in two months and moving to his city in March. We've been together for almost 9 months.

Yesterday my boyfriend had a very stressful fight with his dad and was feeling really down on himself, saying he was a bad person, a disappointment etc. Because he couldn't call since he was out, I talked to him through messenger, telling him about all the people who loved him, all his accomplishments etc etx ans eventually it seemed like he felt better. When he came home, we were caught up messaging so I forgot to ask if he could call. We had a fun conversation, I was trying to be fun and make him feel better by distracting him with talking, and I felt like he was having a good time. I wanted to get his favourite food delivered to his door but he lives with parents and it was 12 am so I decided I'd order him donuts later in the week.

At some point he made a joke that I've told him makes me really uncomfortable, so I told him again to please not do it, and he was apologetic. We kept talking for a while, he was laughing and stuff, but eventually our conversation got onto my best friend who my boyfriend has kind of a disparaging attitude towards, so I got kind of annoyed with him again for saying stuff about my best friend, so we kind of had this debate about him, without either of us seeming upset though. After we got off that topic, we had a normal conversation, but then got on the topic of his best friend and how she judges me for my past relationship choices and advised my bf to leave me once or twice. I was annoyed by the mention of all that so again we spent a while semi arguing over it, then he kind of said she cares about him more than I do (or at least that she cares less about studies than she does about him and I don't) and I told him that upset me, he took it back.

Basically after all this we both felt pretty not great, and talked about why that was. He said that that night has been the worse he'd felt in years and that I had failed at cheering him up ans just made him feel worse. He said I didn't care about him and only cared about myself and my own issues. He said he shouldn't have relied on me and that I didn't try hard enough to cheer him up and that I wasn't jokey enough or trying to make him laugh.

I know I shouldn't have kept getting annoyed at him, but the reason I was was because all the stuff that made me annoyed was stuff I'd told him bothered me or that I didn't like to talk about, and it felt like if I just let it go he would only do it again and I'd get more resentful and that would be worse for both of us. I really did try to be jokey and fun and make him feel good, even when we were talking about uncomfortable stuff I made jokes about it to show that I wanted to keep it light. He always says talking over text doesn't really help him feel better and he needs physical presence for thaf.

Basically I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend and person in general. I do feel like I tried and I cared, but maybe he's right and I was just looking out for my own interests. I can't even look at his chat icon now without a wave of selfhate coming over me, I'm scared I'll never be good enough to support him properly. I wish he hadn't said the things about me failing and not trying, but I'm worried that I'm just making excuses for myself because I know he's right. I just feel so so worthless for making the person I love feel bad. I'm not even sure what my question is, I guess it would be - how can I make him feel better next time? How can I get over this feeling of selfhate? Do you think I acted selfishly? Just any comments or suggestions would be so so appreciated.

Thank you for reading this, thank you in advance for any responses, I know it's really long and convoluted!

[ChloChlo]

Yikes, no no no. You have not failed as a girlfriend at all. You did a splendid job as a girlfriend - you were there for him when he was down, you actually cared that he was feeling bad, and tried to comfort and cheer him. Those are all things that good girlfriends (and good people) do. However, his response is troubling. He is making HIS feelings YOUR responsibility. That is unfair, impossible, manipulative, and cruel. I would be devastated by such a response as well - no wonder you are feeling self hate!

When my boyfriend (and friends, and loved ones) is feeling down, quite often I am unable to cheer them up. Because their emotions are their own journey, and not something I have any control over. I can and do try my best though, because I care when someone I love is not feeling good, and I often ask them "What can I do to help?" We try things to distract them, or we talk about why they are feeling the way they do. Sometimes they are cheered up, and sometimes they are still sad at the end of the visit. I am sort of just...along for the ride while they sort things out. Because I can't just make their feelings disappear, but I can be there for them. And that is the comforting part: that's the part that makes someone a good friend and partner. And you totally did that. A+ girlfriending!!!!

I love that you stood up for yourself when he was making you uncomfortable, and you didn't avoid the issues that came up in the conversation. It's so much easier to let someone mistreat us when they are sad - we excuse bad behavior because they "don't mean it", or they "aren't themselves". But there is no reason he would need to make YOU uncomfortable just because he is hurting.

He was right about only one thing - that he shouldn't have relied on you to improve his mood. Because that is a totally unfair expectation of someone. It's not your job to be some kind of magic feelings-machine that fixes everything. Not at all. You did all the right things.

[Vermilliona]

Thanks so much for your reply ChloChlo. I talked to him about me doing the best I could and all that, but he said that what I did was no-one's best and that I should've put aside the annoyance I felt at him hurting me and just focused on making him feel better. He specifically said I should have remembered to ask to call again when he got home and should have kept asking him how he was feeling throughout the night. He said because I didn't do this, I made him feel worse and uncared for and unloved and also that he thinks I may just be too selfish to ever be able to help him like his friends can.

I said I'd try to do better next time and thanked him for giving me pointers, and he replied saying he wasn't sure I'd be able to do better. I was really upset at him this whole time and kept trying to show him that the things he said hurt me and he just kept saying I should have done better and he was disappointed and felt let down, so we did argue a lot.

I keep going back and forth between feeling like I'm the most selfish person in the world and not worthy of being in a relationship and feeling like it's unfair of him to be so mean to me. I feel really discouraged from trying to help him in the future because I'm scared it just won't be good enough. I really don't know what to do and how I can let this go and make our relationship better. Again, thanks for your reply and thanks in advance to whomever else answers.

[differentcountries]

Your boyfriend is projecting. All the bad stuff he feels about himself because of his dad, he tries to make you feel about yourself to at least feel a bit better than you. My advice is to stay clear a bit. He might be just as dangerous as a person lashing out when they are mad. Family conflicts are very complicated. There is no way you can make him feel better about himself and it is own job to do so.

If life was very fair, we would be reward every time we did something right. In reality, it is sometimes more about being smart. Just because your boyfriend is hurt, does not mean he is right.

[differentcountries]

He is making you doubt yourself when you were only trying to help. This is called projection. He is making you feel bad to take focus about him feeling bad about himself. I wish life was fair, but sometimes we are not nice to the people to us, even when they are nice to us. I suggest you take some time off from his accusations until you can see them for the absurdity they are. Him saying you are self centered when he in fact is the one who dismisses your concerns and gives you impossible tasks (like staying up all night just to cheer him up) is a perfect example of this. Sadly it is often easier to blame others than to have a good, hard look at onself. In a romantic relationship, a good rule is that each partner is 75 % responsible for the general happiness in the relationship. And everybody is ultimately responsible for their own happiness. That includes you. Don't take the words of a deeply rejected and hurt man as some kind of "truth" about yourself.

[R&R]

Thanks so much for your reply ChloChlo. I talked to him about me doing the best I could and all that, but he said that what I did was no-one's best and that I should've put aside the annoyance I felt at him hurting me and just focused on making him feel better. He specifically said I should have remembered to ask to call again when he got home and should have kept asking him how he was feeling throughout the night. He said because I didn't do this, I made him feel worse and uncared for and unloved and also that he thinks I may just be too selfish to ever be able to help him like his friends can.

I said I'd try to do better next time and thanked him for giving me pointers, and he replied saying he wasn't sure I'd be able to do better. I was really upset at him this whole time and kept trying to show him that the things he said hurt me and he just kept saying I should have done better and he was disappointed and felt let down, so we did argue a lot.

I keep going back and forth between feeling like I'm the most selfish person in the world and not worthy of being in a relationship and feeling like it's unfair of him to be so mean to me. I feel really discouraged from trying to help him in the future because I'm scared it just won't be good enough. I really don't know what to do and how I can let this go and make our relationship better. Again, thanks for your reply and thanks in advance to whomever else answers.

What is he, 12? What an absolutely ridiculous and immature response from him. You tried to comfort him and that's what matters. You kept your boundries about something and didn't let him act inappropriately just because he was having a bad day. He needs to learn that others are not responsible for his feelings. His feelings and his responses are his alone. Blaming you for not cheering him up "appropriately" is childish.

You are worthy of being in a relationship. He, however, is not. He has some maturing to do and to learn how to be happy himself, control his emotions and take responsibility for himself before he is involved with another person.

[Dwessie]

I keep going back and forth between feeling like I'm the most selfish person in the world and not worthy of being in a relationship and feeling like it's unfair of him to be so mean to me. I feel really discouraged from trying to help him in the future because I'm scared it just won't be good enough. I really don't know what to do and how I can let this go and make our relationship better. Again, thanks for your reply and thanks in advance to whomever else answers.

I'm gonna say it right now. Nobody who loves you should make you feel this way. You are very worthy of being in a relationship, but this jerk of a kid is obviously still pooping in diapers, and isn't old enough for one. You gotta tell him to hit the road. I am actually sure you can find someone better than this.