hiding SO from friends

[Ella85]

Honestly I think I waited around a month before I told my family because I knew what their reaction would be. My aunt even said she was going to set me up with someone closer. People have said to me there are people closer and they don't understand how I can do it. But the thing is if he makes you happy who cares what anyone else thinks about it?

[Kin Ena]

That is one of the most shutty problems I have. Once my friends or a friend could know I am into an LDR. Theyll put it real down! I hate it when they judge. Amd O was like. Ah who cares, its their opinion. *embraces the fact* that I couldnt even do anything to defend the only one I love infront of them. Its frustating.

[honeybunny]

My boyfriend had a girl get interested in him at work not long after we got together. So he ended up telling her he's with someone and that it's an LDR, she was asking him if he thought it could work. Kind of annoys me when people doubt LDR's. It could happen to anyone, you're chatting online or whatever and develop feelings. Why do people think it's ok to ask that?

That being said, I have only told people I trust about my relationship. Nobody else needs to know.

[spanglishjoe]

I personally think you're fine not telling your friends until after you meet your SO in person. Take some photos when you're together, and you can return to share the stories and pictures of how happy you two are together. It'll help ease some of the online credibility issue that your friends are thinking, since you'll clearly have been together in person. I would consciously work in a little speech on cultural differences with interracial dating, and your views on loving somebody for who they are on the inside. I'm guessing this might be somewhat of a cultural viewpoint (but I'm no expert on Malaysia); I'd address it from that perspective, and be really careful to avoid indicating that you believe it's what they believe.

If your friends don't accept it after you've met and told them, then it might be time to reflect on how compatible your world views are with these friends. If they truly are friends, like other people have said here, they should learn to support you and help make you a better person.

In the meantime, I think your SO should be understanding if you're open with him about this. It might sting a little, but you can reassure him that all is well between the two of you, and in my opinion, that's what truly matters in this early stage. If it's meant to be, you'll work out the rest after your meeting.

[honeybunny]

I have told a few more of my friends now. Most have been surprisingly ok about it, especially when I say we met in real life. But one girl went all religious on me, as I am a Muslim, and said what I am doing is wrong. She has no idea. I've never been so happy in my entire life. I'm finally taking charge of my life and I found an amazing guy. I guess some people just can't see how happy I am and want to tread all over it, because religion says so. That kinda thing puts me off telling people.

[staruletto]

And good for you for taking charge! I really mean it. It's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, I know all too well. Actually almost all of my friends are really supportive except a couple. One is like "sure, whatever have your fun" and the other actually really infuriates me. He's someone within our community and he always gets really negative when we talk about our meet up, acts very passive aggressive towards me (when I talk about my boyfriend) and I'm really about to tell him to go fuck himself. I don't know why he's like this, jealousy possibly. Either he's jealous that we're in love or jealous that I'm not his girlfriend. I really don't want to think the latter because that sounds really arrogant of me but he has said things about being friend zoned while drunk before.... Either way, he's putting a major strain on our friendship.

[honeybunny]

And good for you for taking charge! I really mean it. It's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, I know all too well. Actually almost all of my friends are really supportive except a couple. One is like "sure, whatever have your fun" and the other actually really infuriates me. He's someone within our community and he always gets really negative when we talk about our meet up, acts very passive aggressive towards me (when I talk about my boyfriend) and I'm really about to tell him to go fuck himself. I don't know why he's like this, jealousy possibly. Either he's jealous that we're in love or jealous that I'm not his girlfriend. I really don't want to think the latter because that sounds really arrogant of me but he has said things about being friend zoned while drunk before.... Either way, he's putting a major strain on our friendship.

That sucks. The worst thing was this friend was saying stuff like hold out for a guy in our religion. I actually tried going down that route, I was looking for almost 10 years. I was insulted on matrimonial websites many times. I had a horrible time. She didn't so she was asking me to try again. She has no idea what I went through. I finally know what it is to be treated right. Why would I give that up for some guy who doesn't appreciate me?

We don't need so called friends who don't support us. Especially when they start off saying they won't judge, then that's exactly what they do.

[Secrecy]

I personally didn't tell anyone about my SO until after I had met him - it made it a bit easier for people to be accepting this way. LDRs are a tricky thing, and especially when it comes to family, sometimes you need to find a right time to let people know. I let my friends know earlier than my family as, let's be honest, if you have a crappy friend and they don't like your decision (thankfully none of mine were like that), it's easier to distance yourself from them. Family? Not so much. I waited a very long time, I think it was almost two years, to tell my family. I told my dad first, because well, my dad was often gone from home all day, but one day when my SO was visiting me, we were at mine and my dad's house and he walked in on us (we weren't doing anything bad, just sitting on the couch). After my SO left, I told my dad, "You remember that guy you met?" And he was like, yeah. And I was like, well... That's my boyfriend. And he was visiting me. And he lives in Canada. And my dad was oddly okay with it. Once it came out with my dad, the rest of my family followed shortly after. It's a huge weight off my shoulders not having to hide it anymore, but I don't necessarily judge people for finding the right time to tell the people in their life about something like this. That being said, I don't think you should hide your SO's existence forever. A lot of my SO's friends don't know about me still (though my boyfriend is just a private guy, doesn't talk a lot about his personal life, he's not 'super' close to any of his friends), and it's kind of a rough feeling.

[Jessic93]

I have also struggled with this. I started dating a 24 year old man from Itay when I was 17. I ended breaking up with him when I was 21 because he cheated on me.

Anyway, I only told a few friends and had my relationship posted on Facebook. Several of my friends found out about he and I after my 18th birthday because I was tagged in a pic with him, he came to the US for my birthday. My family did not know. The day after I broke up with him, my brother saw me that morning and noticed something was wrong. I told him all about it and felt A MILLION times better. I told him I met my SO online and even about meeting. He didn't judge or anything, but was more shocked. I told myself I wouldn't do another LDR. But, things have changed.

In the relationship I am in now, I have told one friend and my brother about my relationship. I feel terribly about not telling many people because my SO has told his mom and sister, his older brother also knows, but his brother was in a LDR also. He is now with his SO and had no problem with his brother being with me.

The people I have told have not judged me in a bad light and accept it, but I'm worried about telling my mother. And telling the rest of my friends.

[fltoaz]

You know, I was in the same exact situation as you were in the beginning. People around me knew of him because I was always talking about him but they didn't know what exactly he meant to me. He meant a lot and I felt like I hid the fact that we were in a relationship because I was afraid that people would judge us for how we met and the fact that it was long distance. I had a few friends tell me that it's not a real relationship and all that but to me it always was.

[Happy_Girl]

Im never ashamed of him or being ldr or being in interraccial relationship… i just think it might be easier for my family to accept him after we meet before making any assumptions knowing we haven't met in person yet now. I don't really hide our relationship from friends actually. In fact lots of them know about us and many are being supportive. ironically we fought about this again yesterday. We dont really meet family that soon(at least for my family) so i think I'll let him meet them in person. Not to mention we're in interraccial relationship and im not sure how my parents think about it