First Visit Plans Crumbled

[differentcountries]

Just tell him you understand that you hurt him without meaning to. Would he help you understand what is the matter? (of course, he hurt you too but just leave that for now)

He acts like he is hurt, so assume he really is, even if that doesn't make any sense to you.

[Unicorn26]

You have to contact him, you need to sort this one way of the other. Even if it is the end, you need closure.

Not knowing is so much worse than dealing with a break up, so many unanswered questions... I've been there and it took me a couple of years to really properly get over it. Pride needs to go out of the window here, you need to think of your own well being.

[Kadessa70]

I would love to start talking again and get everything straightened out. I would like a chance to be a healthier and stronger couple.

It's him who is being silent. He is the one who is not responding to my messages. He is the one who said we'll never speak again before he hung up.

It's been only a day and a half, but it seems like forever already...

I think it's just the pressure of work and the frustration over not being able to have a visit. I hope he really won't throw our relationship away after I was only trying to help it.

[R&R]

I can only agree with the others. For someone to throw away an 18 month relationship because of this shows you his true colors. Yes, he may be stressed out because of work and the move but to take it out on you in such a drastic way because you talked to a co-worker/friend is beyond immature. Your comment of "I know he has a habit of crumbling under pressure and stress. When tensions arise, he immediately shuts himself in and pushes everyone away." shows that this is how he handles pressure and I highly doubt it's going to change.

What if you had been living together at the time? Would you have found all of your stuff out on the front lawn? Is this how he would handle anything that really upset him going forward? Not talk to you because he can't be an adult and discuss his problems? Throw a childish temper tantrum because you didn't do something the way he wanted or because you talked to someone he didn't want you to? Is this something you would want to live with? Talk about having to walk on eggshells around someone.

Unfortunately, it takes two people to want to make a relationship work. He may have so much on his plate that he chose to remove the one that was causing him stress that he actually had control over - the relationship. You can want it to work all you want and put in all the effort you can, but if he doesn't feel the same, nothing you can do is going to fix it. Decide for yourself how much time you are willing to wait (a week, a month) and once that time is up, if he hasn't contacted you, consider this chapter in your life closed. If he comes back after that - oh well. Don't put your life on hold for too long. You deserve better.

[Unicorn26]

I would love to start talking again and get everything straightened out. I would like a chance to be a healthier and stronger couple.

It's him who is being silent. He is the one who is not responding to my messages. He is the one who said we'll never speak again before he hung up.

It's been only a day and a half, but it seems like forever already...

I think it's just the pressure of work and the frustration over not being able to have a visit. I hope he really won't throw our relationship away after I was only trying to help it.

Oh dear....

My heart goes out to you, it really does. No one deserves this treatment, it really is harsh.

I wish I could give you a hug!!! xxx

[differentcountries]

I would love to start talking again and get everything straightened out. I would like a chance to be a healthier and stronger couple.

It's him who is being silent. He is the one who is not responding to my messages. He is the one who said we'll never speak again before he hung up.

It's been only a day and a half, but it seems like forever already...

I think it's just the pressure of work and the frustration over not being able to have a visit. I hope he really won't throw our relationship away after I was only trying to help it.

Have you tried to call him? Most likely he did not mean what he said. I hope it all works out.

[Kadessa70]

Not yet. I've sent some short emails and texts... Not even sounding that emotional, but just wishing him a good day, good luck with his work, and I hope we can talk soon, etc.

Thank you guy so much for the advice and caring! You are wonderful.

Whatever happens, I just hope to feel lighter and happier soon.

[Kadessa70]

I just wanted to give you all an update and to also ask for advice again.

So, we had ten days of silence. I would send him emails and texts apologizing and saying we could be stronger if we had another chance.

He finally got back to me and said separating would be for the best and that it would prevent heartache down the line. He wants to be friends.

I argued that he was jumping to conclusions. How do you know that this experience won't make us stronger?

Is he now running away from the idea of an LDR?

I was a mixed ball of emotions today as I tried to patch us up again, but on the other hand too, I expressed anger at him for seemingly giving up and throwing everything away. I said I hate him for giving up.

He responded saying that with all this hate maybe we shouldn't communicate then.

I don't know what to do.

Deep down I really love him. We've bounced back from so much. With all of our tests, we've come out stronger. We were doing great despite the distance. I know he has feelings too, but it really is frustrating that he's giving up. I wish there was some way to change his mind.

What should I do now? My gut says not to give up on love. I believe and want this so much. Will he come around?

I don't want my emotions to push him away. What do I do? I want so much to save this.

[Honour]

I don't think this can be saved. He's made it clear his intentions, he jumped the gun and bit the bullet, I'm sorry to say I think it's a case of he gave up something for all the wrong reasons. You don't want to become any more emotionally invested in something that you want to fight for, yet he has no intention of properly reciprocating. I think, from what you've told us, he's pretty much moved on from you. Cold and callous, yes, but it's obvious you cared more for him than he did for you.

You already know what to do. Do what you need to do, look out for yourself and bit by bit put this behind you. Because what you want and what HE wants, are two very different things.

[ChloChlo]

I totally agree with Honour. Listen to that gut feeling: don't give up on love for yourself, and the love that is waiting for you out there.

Your emotions did not push him away. With all the effort you put into fixing things, I'm not sure there was anything more you could have possibly done.

[R&R]

I agree with Honour. As I stated in my previous post, a relationship takes two people to work. He has stated clearly that he no longer wants this relationship.

You can't force someone to be in a relationship. You can't make someone want to be in a relationship. You can't make someone change how they feel. You can't make someone change their mind.

You can realize that it's time to move on. You can respect his decision to end the relationship and not be one of "those" ex-'s that everyone dreads. You can focus on yourself and staying physically and emotionally healthy. You can learn from the experience. You can take away the good memories. You can move forward with your life. You can allow this to help you differentiate what you do and don't want in a relationship and a partner. You can understand that you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

[differentcountries]

I just wanted to give you all an update and to also ask for advice again.

So, we had ten days of silence. I would send him emails and texts apologizing and saying we could be stronger if we had another chance.

He finally got back to me and said separating would be for the best and that it would prevent heartache down the line. He wants to be friends.

I argued that he was jumping to conclusions. How do you know that this experience won't make us stronger?

Is he now running away from the idea of an LDR?

I was a mixed ball of emotions today as I tried to patch us up again, but on the other hand too, I expressed anger at him for seemingly giving up and throwing everything away. I said I hate him for giving up.

He responded saying that with all this hate maybe we shouldn't communicate then.

I don't know what to do.

Deep down I really love him. We've bounced back from so much. With all of our tests, we've come out stronger. We were doing great despite the distance. I know he has feelings too, but it really is frustrating that he's giving up. I wish there was some way to change his mind.

What should I do now? My gut says not to give up on love. I believe and want this so much. Will he come around?

I don't want my emotions to push him away. What do I do? I want so much to save this.

So he confirmed that he does indeed want the relationship to be over. You got to give it too him that he came around to contact you to tell you this flat out. He may make hasty decitions that he will regret, but those are his mistakes to make. You may

[differentcountries]

I just wanted to give you all an update and to also ask for advice again.

So, we had ten days of silence. I would send him emails and texts apologizing and saying we could be stronger if we had another chance.

He finally got back to me and said separating would be for the best and that it would prevent heartache down the line. He wants to be friends.

I argued that he was jumping to conclusions. How do you know that this experience won't make us stronger?

Is he now running away from the idea of an LDR?

I was a mixed ball of emotions today as I tried to patch us up again, but on the other hand too, I expressed anger at him for seemingly giving up and throwing everything away. I said I hate him for giving up.

He responded saying that with all this hate maybe we shouldn't communicate then.

I don't know what to do.

Deep down I really love him. We've bounced back from so much. With all of our tests, we've come out stronger. We were doing great despite the distance. I know he has feelings too, but it really is frustrating that he's giving up. I wish there was some way to change his mind.

What should I do now? My gut says not to give up on love. I believe and want this so much. Will he come around?

I don't want my emotions to push him away. What do I do? I want so much to save this.

So he confirmed that he does indeed want the relationship to be over. You got to give it too him that he came around to contact you to tell you this flat out. He may make hasty decitions that he will regret, but those are his mistakes to make. We cant tell if his feelings stopped or if he wants to spare himself the hurts of a LDR, but the facts remain that he chose to step out of the relationship. It is super hard to do but his honesty deserves you listening to what he says instead of treating him like he doesn't know what is good for him.

I understand that you are angry, but sharing your anger with him will accomplish nothing. Write a journal, scream into a pillow, anything, but don't ask him to take your pain away. That's not his job anymore.

[whatruckus]

I'm a little late to the game here, but honestly, his whole reaction is quite ridiculous and seems a bit off to me. Seems fishy he would blow up on something so menial and then break up with you over it. You went to a friend for help, and he should probably know better that at some point you're going to talk someone about your relationship (even though it wasn't full of intimate details, and just for advice about how to do the visa). Whether she was a colleague or not, it's pretty obvious you two are friends.

Considering he's chosen what he wants to do with his life, and chosen that he wants to end it, you need to accept that. It sucks, but honestly, this just really does show his true colors. If he gets this stressed out and irrational over something so small while you are LDR, imagine what it would be like if things were more serious between you two (like being married, or having kids). It seems like he can't really think logically on some things.

I agree with everyone else.

[Unicorn26]

As hard as this is he has given you his response. I agree with whatruckus, if he gets this stressed over something so small, if you were to properly settle down and have kids etc then you would have been in for a very bumpy ride.

I really feel for you as it is heartbreaking to read your story.

You deserve better. You really do.