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**sasad** · November 17, 2015, 04:30 PM

Ok, I was married for 11 years. The last 7 or 8, I slept in separate room from my ex. My marriage had been over a while, I just needed to move out after my 2step children graduate high school. I couldn't stand it and left a year early.
That being said... My ex knew I was talking about leaving. I had also emailed him that I wasn't going to live a loveless, sexless life. I think he was still shocked when I left.
I have male friends. I am IT so it's a male world still. My ex never accused me of anything no matter who I was talking too.

That your GF can't give you any specifics on a divorce... That's a flag.
Waiting till her 17 year old goes to bed.... Whats up with that and why?
Why will it jeopardize her ?? Is it money?
Have you all talked about what is going on in her life and why?
Honestly, she sounds like she is using you for sex etc.
do you all meet up and do things together or is is sex?

You need to stay away until she is legally separated and or divorced from her husband. For some reason this sounds all wrong to me.

**differentcountries** · November 17, 2015, 05:28 PM

Why you are a secret? Because she is not formally separated from her husband, and so she has not told her kids either.

She does not have her own income, so divorce may be hard on her financially.

Nobody here knows if she is serious with you, but if she is, I think working together on a realistic plan for divorce is appropriate.

**All4114All** · November 17, 2015, 05:52 PM

No she is well off too...her parents as well...her husband and kids found out about us talking 2 months ago...this is why I believe I'm a secret now...we have never met...and she is stricter with telephone communication then ever before...

**differentcountries** · November 17, 2015, 05:57 PM

Originally posted by All4114All View Post

No she is well off too...her parents as well...her husband and kids found out about us talking 2 months ago...this is why I believe I'm a secret now...we have never met...and she is stricter with telephone communication then ever before...

Did you talk to her as to why she did not divorce before meeting you?

Why does she not want to meet up?

**R&R** · November 17, 2015, 07:05 PM

The whole situation is one, huge red flag.

I met a man locally and on our first date he came right out and told me he was married but they slept separately and they only stayed together for the kids. I told him, if what you say is true and you want a relationship with me, start divorce proceedings and move out. Within a month he had his own place and the divorce process was started. I didn't give an ultimatum - I just told him if I was what he wanted he had to prove what he said was true. We didn't end up staying together but he did get divorced and it was the best thing for him.

If she is serious about you, she needs to do what it takes to make you be her only partner. She needs to grow up and get a divorce for her because how she is living is no sort of life. And right now, you are a hidden side piece. Honestly, who is saying that you are the only one? If she's lying to her husband about you, who says she's not lying to you about her relationship with him?

**sasad** · November 17, 2015, 08:46 PM

Originally posted by All4114All View Post

No she is well off too...her parents as well...her husband and kids found out about us talking 2 months ago...this is why I believe I'm a secret now...we have never met...and she is stricter with telephone communication then ever before...

You have never met???? In real life?
Depending on where you live in the US, some states do not recognize "legal separation", so you need to check laws etc about divorce.
If she has her on funds and child is almost 18, then there's not a lot at risk for her it would seem...
Still, seems way too odd.

**snow** · November 17, 2015, 11:39 PM

She is still married. It doesn't matter if they're not sleeping in the same bed or she's considering the marriage to be over, until she is divorced, it would be highly disrespectful to assume that he feels the same way.
If she wants to be with you, she needs to start the divorce process, if she doesn't, then you know where you're standing.

**Ella85** · November 18, 2015, 03:49 AM

I was legally separated for 3 years when I met my boyfriend. The relationship was officially over that year. I wasn't even looking for a relationship it just happened (I'm very glad it did at that). But as soon as things started getting serious between us I pushed though for a divorce straight away. I wish I done it much sooner but it is what it is. I felt disrespectful to him if I didn't rush it though. I was provisionally divorced before I left him. There was no money or estate as my ex and I had debts not assets.

To me, I think unless she is willing to start pushing for a divorce I'd leave while you still can. Yes 8 months is a lot of time.. but you've not met her and I feel as though anymore investment in your feelings and time is a waste. This is of course unless she is willing to meet you and also to get a divorce.

**CarolGuerra** · January 22, 2016, 06:34 AM

Take help of a legal person

**Honour** · January 22, 2016, 08:20 AM

Agreed with the others, it's just one big red flag situation. Until you know she's going to get the divorce, I wouldn't get anymore emotionally invested in the relationship. She could just be using you to replace something she's not getting.

**oinkpig329** · January 23, 2016, 02:11 PM

Honestly, they're not divorced yet, so that means she is still married. You're the other man in their relationship, and if a woman is married then you should not be in a relationship with her. I don't care about the quality of her relationship, that's irrelevant. What matters is that she is married, and you have no business being involved in an affair, even if it's not physical yet. I know this is harsh, but it's true. It sounds like if you really care about her you need to let her be present to her marriage instead of encouraging her away from it when she clearly isn't ready for that yet. Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and shouldn't be broken lightly. It's until death, not until the relationship isn't happy anymore. Best of luck to you, I hope things turn out well.

**sasad** · January 23, 2016, 04:20 PM

Originally posted by oinkpig329 View Post

Honestly, they're not divorced yet, so that means she is still married. You're the other man in their relationship, and if a woman is married then you should not be in a relationship with her. I don't care about the quality of her relationship, that's irrelevant. What matters is that she is married, and you have no business being involved in an affair, even if it's not physical yet. I know this is harsh, but it's true. It sounds like if you really care about her you need to let her be present to her marriage instead of encouraging her away from it when she clearly isn't ready for that yet. Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and shouldn't be broken lightly. It's until death, not until the relationship isn't happy anymore. Best of luck to you, I hope things turn out well.

It's until death??? ... Say that again to someone that has been mentally and or physically abused.. Oh right, that's how we end up dead......

That post is just hitting all the wrong places.
Don't ever judge or assume unless you know what someone is going through. If he decides to step back and be a friend, then that is great. In fact a friend is the best to have when you have a broken marriage that is not repairable. Until death my ass.

**Unicorn26** · January 23, 2016, 04:46 PM

Originally posted by oinkpig329 View Post

Marriage isn't something to be taken lightly, and shouldn't be broken lightly. It's until death, not until the relationship isn't happy anymore. Best of luck to you, I hope things turn out well.

Wow.

You have clearly never been married. Nor have you been trapped in an abusive or toxic relationship where you've been mentally and emotionally abused so badly that you doubt every single decision you make of every single word you say. You have obviously never had to report where you are every second of the day or justify every penny you spend. You have obviously never sat in your bedroom, crying and trying to pull yourself together so your children don't see you upset. You have obviously never had to endure the crippling embrassment of having to go to a food bank because your husband has spent all the money on alcohol and it's only the 3rd of the month and it's another 4 weeks till pay day.

I have. No way was I going to put up with that for the rest of my life. But I was so broken and down trodden it took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to leave.

I do think people give up way too quick these days, but if you are unhappy, you need to do something about it. I am an example to my daughters, I did not want them to end up with a marriage like mine. I had a duty to them and myself and I do not regret a single thing.

**oinkpig329** · January 23, 2016, 05:30 PM

I'm sorry to those of you I upset, and I reread the OP and saw nothing indicating that she is in an abusive relationship. Clearly there could be missing details that would create a clearer picture of abuse.I realize that to me abuse is an obvious exception to the rule because of my career field but failed to mention so and for that I apologize. I know my views of marriage are not in line with society today, but regardless of that she is still married, so while she is married a relationship any more than friendship is an affair. If he doesn't mind this, then I still say it sounds like she does mind and that she isn't treating him as he deserves and that she isn't ready for a new relationship yet.

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