Wedding Pinterest Board... No questions, just my thoughts!

[twentynine11]

As women, some of us grow up dreaming about that special day when we hope a man will look into our eyes like no one ever has before. If you're like me, you probably have an idea of the style or theme of the wedding, the dress, the rings, the guests, the first kiss as man and wife, the music, the first dance, the father/daughter dance, etc. All of these ideas and images can be found on wedding Pinterest boards. Mine was called "All Things Wedding!" and contained the pins that I had narrowed down to the things I really liked the most (121 pins) over the past 3 or more years. I have been very selective and particular about what I chose to repin. All that is gone now!

Each time I looked at that board or even think about the possibility of becoming someone's (particularly my SO) future wife, I get sad. Thinking about that special day used to give me so much hope and enjoyment. In the past year, something has shifted inside of me. The hope and enjoyment has turned into disappointment and somewhat of a bitterness. I don't expect for it to happen anymore. I don't get excited when I think about it. I've been told that it would happen until after he finishes med school, maybe. That is another 3.5 years and then residency on top of that (3 to 5 years). That's a long time to wish and hope. A lot of time that I could spend on something more productive. By that time, we will have been dating for 7 to 10 years. Isn't that a little excessive? I understand that it may be necessary, but the wait is a bit overkill. It feels somewhat like I'm setting myself up for years of disappointment.

So I deleted my "All Things Wedding!" Pinterest board. I'll focus more on the travel, fitness, style, self-enrichment, and scripture boards instead. I'll focus more on school, work, and my son instead of drifting off into a fantasy for no good reason.

[Lycka]

Hey, I use Pinterst too! And it's good for creating things and inspitation. I don't use it for weddings though, but houses, writing ideas, drawing ideas and just for a good laugh. I've recently shared it with my SO and he loves it, we pin to each other and share a private board.

It's good that you've limited your fantasies if they wears you out. And thinking of what you have today and make best of it. Sometimes I believe you shouldn't build up too much because of the disappointment that it wont be like you've though, I've experience it with mum. She makes plans and when it doesn't go her way I seem to be the one near her and I'll be the one to get the shit. :/ And it depends on what you plan though, sometimes you have to plan but maybe not just something too far away that you don't know if it will happen. I did and it didn't turned out how I wanted (with school). Just my personal rants and thoughts

[pizza_heart]

I've been told that it would happen until after he finishes med school, maybe. That is another 3.5 years and then residency on top of that (3 to 5 years). That's a long time to wish and hope. A lot of time that I could spend on something more productive. By that time, we will have been dating for 7 to 10 years. Isn't that a little excessive? I understand that it may be necessary, but the wait is a bit overkill. It feels somewhat like I'm setting myself up for years of disappointment.

This post does sound bitter. Why the rush though? Maybe it will happen earlier than 10 years. Would you feel disappointed if you and him went into financial problems and couldn't afford your pinterest dream wedding? What if he never wants a wedding at all? or a courthouse wedding? I believe that each person needs life goals, i would assume med school is something he works hard for and has wanted all of his life. I would assume you knew he would go to med school when you started dating him. Med school is time consuming, stressful and many times you won't even get to see your family for a while. Maybe he will get the "let's get married" bug sooner than you think, just don't push it. Like you said, it would be a great idea to focus on other things like your own kid, and don't get sad or bitter whenever the subject arises. Fantasies are just fantasies, but you've got love in your life.

[twentynine11]

You're right, I am bitter! Not because we aren't getting married, but because dating a med student on top of a long distance relationship is difficult. Especially when you feel like you are the only one investing into the relationship at times. His priorities... med school, post test parties, basketball, then me. My priorities... my son, my relationship, school, work, etc. His schedule is very busy and demanding and I get that, but that doesn't make it fair. When we started dating, I had no idea that he would be moving away, that I'd have this much pain from the distance, or that I would feel neglected. I knew he wanted to go to med school, but I didn't know what that included. I didn't know that it meant I would be 35 to 38 years old before my son and I could have a growing family. So I would say yes, I am bitter. Anyone would be when their feelings and existence is neglected.
Truth is, he isn't ready to get married at this point. He has other priorities. This is what he has waited on his entire life, not me. I never want to influence, rush, or force him to get married. We don't talk about marriage for this very reason.

[ChloChlo]

My mother says this quote to me all the time and it makes me so mad because it's so true: "no expectations, no disappointments". I HATE IT. SO TRUE. I love my expectations. I love planning and being ready and being in control. And it never, ever works out the way I want it, and I'm always surprised! and emotionally crushed! The universe is such an uncooperative jerk. Harumph. Bah humbug.

If you want to marry the guy you're with, it sounds like you won't get a Pinterest-perfect wedding immediately. I mean... you could always break up with him and find yourself someone who can fulfill all your Pinterest dreams? You totally could, if that's what you really wanted. But if you want this guy in particular, yeah, things are gonna look a bit different. That's both scary and awesome, though. Your wedding could be even more spectacular and feel even more wonderful because you waited so long for it.

Buuut....I am also curious if the destruction of your wedding board symbolizes something deeper. When you said: " I don't expect for it to happen anymore. I don't get excited when I think about it. I've been told that it would happen until after he finishes med school, maybe." ....what is it you're not expecting to happen? The wedding, or the marriage? Does your partner know you feel this way? Being TOLD if/when you will be getting married must make you feel pretty powerless, and no wonder you are feeling like it's never going to happen - it sounds like you've got no say in the matter! I haven't been married so I don't know if that's the way weddings and marriages usually happen. But I know I wouldn't feel great about doing it that way. I can definitely understand feeling disheartened by that feeling of powerlessness. So, is trashing the board representative of your feeling a lack of control over the wedding-marriage dream?

I mean, yeah, you're doing a good thing by deciding to focus on YOU and not dwelling on the "dream wedding". But I just couldn't help noticing those phrases in your post. Am I wrong? I could be wrong, I'm often very wrong.

[pizza_heart]

Talk to him and be blunt about it. a LDR or any relationship works when there is good communication and trust. If you want a quick solution: dump him and get someone who isn't in med school, but would you be as happy as you are with him? Sacrifices. I agree with ChloChlo about how the representation of lack of control.

" I didn't know that it meant I would be 35 to 38 years old before my son and I could have a growing family. "

Look, you could well meet the man of your dreams, the love of your life at 35. Not everyone does in their 20's or have the family life we fed to believe is perfect. I think everyone here knows the pain and sacrifice of a LDR. Now you are sacrificing your dream wedding in your 20's for someone who is worth it (otherwise you wouldn't have gone in a LDR in the first place). If your feelings and existence, like you say, are neglected, then what are you hoping to get out of the relationship?

[twentynine11]

ChloChlo - YES! YES! YES! Thank you! I think you understand me! lol
You aren't wrong. I do feel very powerless and very much like my desires just don't matter anymore. That's why I give up on the "pinterest board". The board signifies more than just a dream wedding. I am giving up the desire to be a wife anymore. It symbolizes more than just the dreams of a wedding, but a marriage itself. I know the desire is still there, but what's the point in hoping to only be disappointed.
The point is not about the board or the contents of the board, or even the wedding itself. It's about the future, a marriage, and a family. I would take a court house wedding and be just as happy. It's not about the wedding.
There isn't much talk about the future between him and I. Mostly because I know he isn't ready at all to be a husband and his priorities are in school. Getting married is really not in the cards for us right now, but it would be nice to be able to have a mutual plan for the future!

[twentynine11]

If your feelings and existence, like you say, are neglected, then what are you hoping to get out of the relationship?

It is definitely something that I have tried to overcome with him. He is not in touch with "feelings", be it his own or anyone else's. His demanding schedule keeps him busy, I get that, but does it hurt to take 10 minutes out of your day to call someone? You could search through the text messages on my phone from him and never find a single one that says, "Thank you for waiting for me, it means a lot to me and I appreciate you for it". No, instead it is "I never told you you had to".

[pizza_heart]

It is definitely something that I have tried to overcome with him. He is not in touch with "feelings", be it his own or anyone else's. His demanding schedule keeps him busy, I get that, but does it hurt to take 10 minutes out of your day to call someone? You could search through the text messages on my phone from him and never find a single one that says, "Thank you for waiting for me, it means a lot to me and I appreciate you for it". No, instead it is "I never told you you had to".

That sucks. I can tell you have a lot of love to give, so don't abandon those dreams or even something as a pinterest board. Let's hope he comes to his senses and appreciates you and most importantly, lets you know. I can only advice you to be more open and blunt about your feelings, let him know all this so you can have short term goals and know where you both stand <3

[whatruckus]

Honestly, it really just sounds like you resent your SO a lot. Are you legitimately sure you're ready and willing to wait for him, and perhaps not get married and grow your family until you're 35 - 38 years old, as you are assuming? Because it doesn't seem like you're happy with this at all, or happy with him.

I mean, I'm a pretty bitter person too when it comes to getting married/engaged and all that jazz, but I'm not blaming my SO for it. I've held my own life back.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have to ask the obvious question: have you told him this? All of this..any of this?? You say that you aren't a priority. Have you told him that it's one thing for school to come first, but that you should be a top priority right under that? Have you told him that you want to get married and have another baby before you're 35? It's hard to expect something to change if he has no clue it's broken. On the other hand, if he does know and continues to make it apparent that not only is he not ready for marriage yet but he also isn't ready to even put you first...well to me that's something I wouldn't be willing to wait around for. Are you?

[Redheart14]

I have to ask the obvious question: have you told him this? All of this..any of this?? You say that you aren't a priority. Have you told him that it's one thing for school to come first, but that you should be a top priority right under that? Have you told him that you want to get married and have another baby before you're 35? It's hard to expect something to change if he has no clue it's broken. On the other hand, if he does know and continues to make it apparent that not only is he not ready for marriage yet but he also isn't ready to even put you first...well to me that's something I wouldn't be willing to wait around for. Are you?

this!!