Tired of being hidden.

[Telephone]

Hello everyone!

I've posted here in the past but decided to delete everything out of fear someone'd find it. Then I thought about it for a long time, but never had the courage to post again. Until today, I guess. I still feel somewhat shaky, but then again, am I doing anything wrong?

My partner and I met around two years ago, he's from the US and I'm from Poland. Talk about distance.. We were supposed to meet this summer, but it didn't quite work out - his mother threw a fit and made him change his decision (a decision we've come upon months before that) in four days. I can't explain how hurt I was, but I never wanted to be an issue for anyone, especially his family, so after expressing to him how I felt, I kinda let it go. I don't blame him anymore. Stuff happens. I know for a fact his family is against me, even though we've never talked. I opted for keeping in touch with them, wanted to meet them, wanted them to know me - this is all natural to me and I understand their concerns. I realize they might be worried, we live so far away from each other; you hear stories about people getting catfished all the time and so on. I really, really wished to prove myself, to show that I'm not some sort of a psycho. Well, I wasn't (and still am not) given that option. His mom outright refused to talk to me via Skype (with webcam) as "it wouldn't change anything". On top of that, I think she doesn't quite understand what kind of country Poland is. I suppose for her, since we're so close to Russia and Ukraine and such, we're all on the same level - which is, apparently, BAD, BAD level (what even). I am, supposedly, either after his money or his citizenship. At first I rolled my eyes, then I tried to talk to her, but after being rejected again and again and again now I just.. Start to feel angry.

As time passed, my partner decided (once again) to come here next summer. I said "Great". I find myself not believing that anymore the same way I did. His mom is fine with it (or so she says), or rather, not FINE, but she generously accepts it. I still feel we're going to experience another tantrum as the date will get closer and closer. This time my partner assures me he'll do whatever he wants (and yes, now money issue is out of the question, at least), but as much as I want to trust him, I just shrug my shoulders and say nothing. Oh, I am excited - but I remember the disappointment - and I really don't want that again.

Whenever he leaves for vacation with his family, I stop existing. In the past he'd literally disappear for a week or so, because when his family is around, he doesn't want to call or show he has any contact with me simply not to set his mother off. I tried explaining to him that the more he hides it, the more reasons he gives her for assuming he's doing something wrong and I'm a problem. Nothing. But I got mad at this point and practically forced him to keep in touch. Mind you, I don't need him to call me and talk for hours (even fifteen minutes is too much! I simply want to know he's OK and that's all. And I don't want to be hidden.) when he's spending time with his family - he has so much to do anyways, having fun and all - and I'm more than fine with this. But his idea of hiding me, us, is absolutely apalling to me. We're both quite over our 20s and I simply don't understand how much more of his yielding to his mom I can take. I tried telling him that even putting our issue aside, he can't just do whatever his mom wants him to do his whole life, because it's NOT healthy. She might get mad, yes, but he's not doing anything wrong, trying to make his own decisions. Even if she's worried about him - and I truly believe that's what it is - sooner or later she'll have to let go. And if she's not planning to do so, he needs to be the one to take a step.

He started calling me afterwards. But once again, I feel like he either ignores what I really mean when I talk about being in touch when he's with family or that he really doesn't get it. His calls are more frequent, but always at nighttime, when his family is asleep, because.. Yes! God forbid someone sees/hears he's talking to me - he told me, quite clearly, his mother doesn't approve of me interrupting their time together. I told him to go to sleep and could see he was hurt, but quite frankly, I am tired of these charades.

My family doesn't really know English, but they often find themselves sending their hellos and asking (through me) about him. They're quite friendly towards him in general. They have their worries too, obviously, but they try to maintain a positive view. Give him a chance he deserves.

I feel strongly about him, but I am seriously sick of this. If I imagine our life together where I have to constantly fight with his mom (even though I don't want to), there's not a fiber in my body that thinks it's a good idea. I don't want to live with someone and never be 100% sure they'll be there when I need them, because maybe their mom will call and throw a fit. And I don't want to have someone make me feel like I'm the worst choice their son could make.

Had to vent. Thanks for reading and sorry for any grammar/spelling errors.

Cheers!

[staruletto]

I know exactly what he's going through right now as his mom sounds just like mine to a tee. She's terrified of me leaving the country because of all the terrorists attacks happening over there lately. We're actually going to Germany for a couple weeks this summer and she basically thinks it's ground zero. She's also worried I might get kidnapped and sold into sex trafficking. Granted, it's all 5 months away and so far I'm not letting her fears stop me. That could change! I will try to not let it change. I hope he can find it within himself to put his foot down and say "No! I'm gonna do the thing!" because that's all he can do. Does he still love with his parents? That might be more of a factor too. I live alone so in the end there's not much she can actually do to stop me from leaving.


Edit: I almost forgot, I was in your situation with someone else a while back ago before I started seeing my Scandinavian love; I was dating someone fairly far (he lived an hour from toledo, I live not too far from Detroit). And as nice as he was he was very held back by parents. They would never let him drive up here to see me, I'd always have to drive there or meet them in toledo to pick him up. At first it was.... Fine. But after a short amount of time it got old. Plus I don't think his parents liked me. They'd glare at me all the time, especially his mom. Like I was taking their baby boy from the nest or something (he was 25!). I eventually did break it off because I cared for him, but it really didn't seem worth it to me.

Anyway don't let that discourage you by any means! You've been together way longer than I was with that guy (3 months I think?). I hope he finds it within himself to take a stand when the time comes.

[Telephone]

Mmm, technically he does. Really, though, most of the time he's at his frat, which is a bit far away from his family house, so every moment they spend together is quite important. He goes back to the house for summers, usually, except when he's working or something. But from what he's told me and from what I've seen myself, even though he says he loves his family (obviously!) and they love him (also - obviously), he isn't exactly 100% happy - simply because he feels like he needs to hide stuff at times.

In a way, I understand him as well. For the longest time it was the same with me and my parents, I was absolutely unable to act on my own in fear of their lack of acceptance. It took me a long time to finally conquer that feeling, but when I was doing so, I made sure not to get someone else into it and hurt them in the process, willingly or not.

And thank you so much for replying. The second story is exactly how I'm starting to see all of this. I find myself thinking ahead, way ahead, and I become more and more anxious about the problems we may face than anything else. I feel his mom sees me as this dangerous, dangerous stranger who's out there to steal her baby boy and ruin the family. And it's frustrating beyond belief. I ended up telling my partner that if we end up not meeting this upcoming year, we'll have to call it off. I didn't mean it as a blackmail in any way; he knows I care for him - but I simply don't see us moving forward if we're having so much trouble with the first step. And as much as I'm OK with LDR for now, I definitely want to end this one day. Which, as of now, seems really hard.

[honeybunny]

I am the one having to hide my boyfriend from my family. They will never in a million years accept him as our religion says you can't date. He understands this. When I move out away from my family and I'm safe, that's when I'll tell them. It's not worth it right now as they will keep more of an eye on me, make sure I'm not talking to him. The last thing I need right now is less contact. To me this is worth it, and he agreed with me, so we'll see how it goes. Trust me, I hate hiding him but it will be so much worse if I reveal everything. Telephone, I'm sure he doesn't want to hide stuff but it's just easier to do so. I hate it when family aren't supportive of stuff like this. Imagine if our parents had been stopped from being together? It's ridiculous.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

My ex was completely held back by his parents. At the time, we were both 18 (away at college) and his parents treated him like he was 14. When he was home, he had a strict curfew, had a tracking app on his phone so his parents always knew where he was, and had to check in with them every few hours. To me, it was ridiculous considering half of the year he was living in another state doing what he wanted when he wanted and he was an adult.

Fast forward to my SO who is very much treated like an adult and was since we met at 19. It is night and day as far as how his family received me vs my ex. I never felt accepted by my ex's family, and I never felt comfortable around them. My SO's family is amazing. They accepted me from day 1 even though I was from a different country than him and never once made it seem like they were worried that my SO will move away to be with me. It has made our relationship SO MUCH easier. To have support from family is everything. I guess my point is, I've had both kinds of (potential) mother-in-laws and it definitely plays a role in what happens in the relationship. I wish I had better advice for you, but you either have to accept that that's the kind of MIL you have and actively try to get your SO to act like a grown up, or you need to cut your losses and realize that sometimes there's nothing you can do when you're competing with someone's mother. Best of luck to you.

[R&R]

My ex was completely held back by his parents. At the time, we were both 18 (away at college) and his parents treated him like he was 14. When he was home, he had a strict curfew, had a tracking app on his phone so his parents always knew where he was, and had to check in with them every few hours. To me, it was ridiculous considering half of the year he was living in another state doing what he wanted when he wanted and he was an adult.

Fast forward to my SO who is very much treated like an adult and was since we met at 19. It is night and day as far as how his family received me vs my ex. I never felt accepted by my ex's family, and I never felt comfortable around them. My SO's family is amazing. They accepted me from day 1 even though I was from a different country than him and never once made it seem like they were worried that my SO will move away to be with me. It has made our relationship SO MUCH easier. To have support from family is everything. I guess my point is, I've had both kinds of (potential) mother-in-laws and it definitely plays a role in what happens in the relationship. I wish I had better advice for you, but you either have to accept that that's the kind of MIL you have and actively try to get your SO to act like a grown up, or you need to cut your losses and realize that sometimes there's nothing you can do when you're competing with someone's mother. Best of luck to you.

I think this is some of the best advice I've seen. Your SO is an adult and should be capable of standing up for you and his relationship. The easy was and the right way to do things are not always the same. Actually, they rarely are. If he's going to buckle under family pressure for this, he's going to continue to buckle to his family throughout all the important things in your life together. If he can't grow up, then it's up to you to decide if you want the rest of your life to go like this or if you deserve better and walk away.

[Unicorn26]

Oh gosh.

I can completely agree with missingmydutchlove, I have been there. I was in battle with my ex MIL for almost 20 years. It took a tremendous toll on my mental health. My ex always stuck with his mother even though he knew she was in the wrong he never had the balls to stand up to her.

His mother sounds very ignorant, she should perhaps read up a bit about Poland? Sadly, her son is far more likely to be shot dead at college than come to any harm visiting Europe.

Your SO needs to

[Enamorado610]

I'm understanding how you are feeling. My love was supposed to come see me in September than it was November for sure than December for sure now maybe February. I haven't met any of his family or friends either and we been in LDR 7 months. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I'm being catfished or if maybe he has a wife hidden away. Feels like I'm losing my mind.

[Telephone]

Thank you all.

I don't really think his mom is ignorant, I just think she was desperately looking for things to help her cause, no matter how ridiculous. So she found them. Thankfully, my SO didn't believe her at all - there were other things happening that made him stay, too. But that Poland issue was not a huge part of it.

I never thought I'm being catfished, as I did see him on webcam almost right away, all the info he gives me about himself matches up, and so on and so forth.. So this, at least for now, is out of the question. Thankfully.

As for the rest of your advice, thank you! They are all very important to me and I guess I also needed some sort of confirmation that I'm not going crazy and that I'm not actually this kind of a baby-stealer person his mom seems to think I am. Thing is, I've suffered from depression in the past (and still kinda battle it now) and I do have neurosis, so very often I find myself thinking that I'm not the best match for anyone. I try my best to recover and I was very open with my SO about these issues - I think it was the only right thing to do - and he seems not to consider it a problem. Generally it doesn't come between us; but when issues like this with his mom being against us (me) come to the surface I find myself extremely vulnerable and afraid I'll have to fight with someone my whole life. MissingMyDutchLove said I should either accept it or let go, and even though technically I know I want to form a relationship with my SO, I realize his family is going to be there. I never wanted to steal him from them anyways. But because of how things are right now, the thought of having his mom in my life doesn't fill me with happiness at all. And I really don't know if - the way I am right now - I will be able to deal with all that in the future.

I don't want to sound as if I really push all the blame on my SO. God, I know how difficult it is to deal with your family sometimes; it took me years until I finally started making my own decisions and I still find myself giving in sometimes. And I hate it with a passion. But at the same time I feel like if we're ever to pursue this LDR, we have to start being independent both physically (financially) and mentally (even more important, in a way, I guess).

I will wait till summer, it's only half a year anyways. Hopefully he'll come here and we'll be able to see whether we want to continue this or to call it off for different reasons.

Enamorado610 - I'm really sorry to hear that. I'd say don't jump into any conclusions, but perhaps stay alert. Ask for a certain date, better yet - for a plane ticket to be bought or something. A proof, in a way, of your SO coming to you.

[Unicorn26]

My apologies, that kind of came out wrong. I didn't mean she was an ignoramous, just that a lot of Americans are quite clueless when it comes to geography.

My SO is American and he's a highly intelligent man, but he really was clueless about a lot of Europe and where countries are over here. He's a lot better now but when I went to visit him I was really quite taken aback at the lack of knowledge about any countries outside the USA. Americans just don't travel as much as us Europeans do.

I am sorry, I didn't mean to insult his mother, it wasn't my intention. Apologies for any offence caused.

[Telephone]

Don't worry about it! I didn't pick up on it that way because even though that's the stereotype I've been hearing as well, my SO was rather familiar with Poland (surprisingly so) and other European countries even before we started talking as a couple, so my experience differs a tad bit. But yeah, I still agree - Americans don't travel around (to completely different countries) as much as Europeans do and that might be the case.

Little edit: he did call me two days ago, we talked for an hour or so before I realized he was hiding (again). We finished the call on good terms, still, and that's that. Since then, nothing - not even a single "I'm OK" message. It infuriates me to no end; I wonder whether I'm in the wrong for wanting to know he's fine. I know for a fact he is able to contact me. I dunno; whenever I travel, I make sure that I contact him - even if it's a simple message saying I'm alright - so he doesn't have to worry. But he literally disappears and then boom, he's back, hey, how are you. Perhaps I'm overreacting.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I get upset if I don't hear from my SO all day. Since we have a deal that we always send messages at night for me and in the morning for him, I get worried if I don't hear from my SO by the afternoon. Maybe you need a system like that? Every morning when you wake up you send him a message and every night before he goes to bed he sends you one?

[Telephone]

Thing is, normally that's exactly what happens. We don't have any issues with communication on a normal basis - even if we don't get to talk (there's timezones, us living our lives, being with other people etc.), we send each other short messages via Skype just letting the other person know we're OK or that we love them. It hardly ever fails - there was maybe a single situation where he messed up, but hey, so did I. I really can't complain, he's such a lovely person and seeks out contact with me everyday.

It all changes, however, when he's with his family. That's why my guess is: he has time, he can, but he chooses not to in order to avoid his family getting mad at him. I really don't know whether I should be angry about this or not. I know how it feels to just let go sometimes for the sake of not being caught in a negative situation, but that got me nowhere in the past. Maybe I should be more understanding, but it's difficult, and frankly, I'm hurt everytime this happens. And I just can't see how sweeping everything under the rug is going to help us in the future. I'm afraid that by doing this we're not really making things easier for us at all, looking into the future.

[Telephone]

He's back starting today and from what he'd told me, he actually did talk to his family about coming here - which I'm very happy about. They're still not taking it well, but they're taking it. I'm kinda suspicious, but hey - hoping for the best!

[Unicorn26]

That sounds positive!!!