Tired of being hidden.

[Chris516]

Chris, why is it nearly every. single. one of your posts is about your exes? Your exes aren't everywhere you know!! Time to stop seeing them everywhere for your own sake I think...

To Telephone: I'm sorry you've experienced such disappointment. My SO and I were supposed to meet earlier in the year, but couldn't because of RL circumstances. We're planning for him to come over next June/July, around the time I graduate, but I can't help but worry something will get in the way again, out of no faults of our own or something else entirely. Wishing you the best of luck for the new year.

Well, I didn't(and won't) reply in such a way that pleases you. Why, Because one of my exes may have done the behavior in question. So, I relate my experience. Since you can't accept that, that is your problem.

I don't get vulgar, or profane. But you still don't like how I relate. Again, that is your problem, not mine.

[Honour]

Well, I didn't(and won't) reply in such a way that pleases you. Why, Because one of my exes may have done the behavior in question. So, I relate my experience. Since you can't accept that, that is your problem.

I don't get vulgar, or profane. But you still don't like how I relate. Again, that is your problem, not mine.

It's not how you relate, it's how EVERYTHING you say revolves around your exes. I'm not the only one who's noticed, lol

[Chris516]

It's not how you relate, it's how EVERYTHING you say revolves around your exes. I'm not the only one who's noticed, lol

Well, You are not(nor is anyone else here), the one with best answers. It is too bad you can't except that. Sure, I use my experience with exes to illustrate empathy with the OP. BUT I will not change how I respond. To satisfy you, or anyone else. Am I 'long-winded', yes. That is part of who I am, part of my uniqueness as an individual. Just like you are unique and have your own way of responding.

[Desthro]

Hello everyone!

I've posted here in the past but decided to delete everything out of fear someone'd find it. Then I thought about it for a long time, but never had the courage to post again. Until today, I guess. I still feel somewhat shaky, but then again, am I doing anything wrong?

My partner and I met around two years ago, he's from the US and I'm from Poland. Talk about distance.. We were supposed to meet this summer, but it didn't quite work out - his mother threw a fit and made him change his decision (a decision we've come upon months before that) in four days. I can't explain how hurt I was, but I never wanted to be an issue for anyone, especially his family, so after expressing to him how I felt, I kinda let it go. I don't blame him anymore. Stuff happens. I know for a fact his family is against me, even though we've never talked. I opted for keeping in touch with them, wanted to meet them, wanted them to know me - this is all natural to me and I understand their concerns. I realize they might be worried, we live so far away from each other; you hear stories about people getting catfished all the time and so on. I really, really wished to prove myself, to show that I'm not some sort of a psycho. Well, I wasn't (and still am not) given that option. His mom outright refused to talk to me via Skype (with webcam) as "it wouldn't change anything". On top of that, I think she doesn't quite understand what kind of country Poland is. I suppose for her, since we're so close to Russia and Ukraine and such, we're all on the same level - which is, apparently, BAD, BAD level (what even). I am, supposedly, either after his money or his citizenship. At first I rolled my eyes, then I tried to talk to her, but after being rejected again and again and again now I just.. Start to feel angry.

As time passed, my partner decided (once again) to come here next summer. I said "Great". I find myself not believing that anymore the same way I did. His mom is fine with it (or so she says), or rather, not FINE, but she generously accepts it. I still feel we're going to experience another tantrum as the date will get closer and closer. This time my partner assures me he'll do whatever he wants (and yes, now money issue is out of the question, at least), but as much as I want to trust him, I just shrug my shoulders and say nothing. Oh, I am excited - but I remember the disappointment - and I really don't want that again.

Whenever he leaves for vacation with his family, I stop existing. In the past he'd literally disappear for a week or so, because when his family is around, he doesn't want to call or show he has any contact with me simply not to set his mother off. I tried explaining to him that the more he hides it, the more reasons he gives her for assuming he's doing something wrong and I'm a problem. Nothing. But I got mad at this point and practically forced him to keep in touch. Mind you, I don't need him to call me and talk for hours (even fifteen minutes is too much! I simply want to know he's OK and that's all. And I don't want to be hidden.) when he's spending time with his family - he has so much to do anyways, having fun and all - and I'm more than fine with this. But his idea of hiding me, us, is absolutely apalling to me. We're both quite over our 20s and I simply don't understand how much more of his yielding to his mom I can take. I tried telling him that even putting our issue aside, he can't just do whatever his mom wants him to do his whole life, because it's NOT healthy. She might get mad, yes, but he's not doing anything wrong, trying to make his own decisions. Even if she's worried about him - and I truly believe that's what it is - sooner or later she'll have to let go. And if she's not planning to do so, he needs to be the one to take a step.

He started calling me afterwards. But once again, I feel like he either ignores what I really mean when I talk about being in touch when he's with family or that he really doesn't get it. His calls are more frequent, but always at nighttime, when his family is asleep, because.. Yes! God forbid someone sees/hears he's talking to me - he told me, quite clearly, his mother doesn't approve of me interrupting their time together. I told him to go to sleep and could see he was hurt, but quite frankly, I am tired of these charades.

My family doesn't really know English, but they often find themselves sending their hellos and asking (through me) about him. They're quite friendly towards him in general. They have their worries too, obviously, but they try to maintain a positive view. Give him a chance he deserves.

I feel strongly about him, but I am seriously sick of this. If I imagine our life together where I have to constantly fight with his mom (even though I don't want to), there's not a fiber in my body that thinks it's a good idea. I don't want to live with someone and never be 100% sure they'll be there when I need them, because maybe their mom will call and throw a fit. And I don't want to have someone make me feel like I'm the worst choice their son could make.

Had to vent. Thanks for reading and sorry for any grammar/spelling errors.

Cheers!

My SO is hiding me from her parents too, and the reasons she gives are reasonable. I tell her that they are going to find out one way or another, and that I'm probably going to see them in May when she graduates with her Masters. They are a little racist, and more than a little conservative, so I can understand her ambivalence. There's probably more at play with your SO than him not wanting to disclose you. But it's possible that he has issues in that area, and they will need to be things you both work through in order to overcome.

He may not be able to field effective boundaries with her, and in that, you'll need to let him know that if he feels scared or unable to hold his ground, that he can call you and you can give him the strength he needs to stay the course. It'll take time, and a lot of patience, but if you care about him that much, it should be an easy task.

Getting angry is understandable, but you HAVE to realize that getting angry at someone for something they aren't good at doesn't make them better. It just makes them feel worse. You guys DID find a solution, and that is what is most important. (Your English is great btw )