We've had a fight and I can't stand the silence :(

[Unicorn26]

So I was a bit stupid, I meant to be funny but I've obviously hit a nerve.

SO worked the NYE shift at the bar last night. He's not had much sleep and is a little crabby.

We chatted via text when he woke up, his boss wants him to go to the bar today to watch a football match but he didn't want to. He's tired and has the house to himself for once and he wants to chill today.

As we were texting he said "boss just called, he's going on at me to go to the bar, I guess I ought to go" His boss treats him like dirt, but he always seems to say yes to him. I said, jokingly, "So if I nag you like a girl like boss does, talk to you like crap and scream in your face when I'm drunk, will you come and see me too? Perhaps I need to change my attitude to get your ass over here hahahaha!!"

He didn't find this amusing, I told him I was kidding, but he's still not happy. He said he would speak to me later. This was a few hours ago, we were supposed to be face timing tonight and I've text him a hello text but he's not responded. This is the time of the day we make time for each other (when we are not working that is) and the silence is deafening. I am so upset! I hate fighting is horrid, but fighting long distance is truly awful. I wish I was with him so I could do something goofy to snap him out of this, I feel so bad. He's taken it to heart and even though I've explained I was messing with him he doesn't seem to understand. I feel awful about making him mad, what I said has obviously hit a nerve with him and I need to talk it out with him.

I hate this, he means the world to me, I can't stand fighting with him... :'(

[farandaway]

Sorry to hear. I know the feeling. When you can't be there to sort of undo it, things get out of hand sometimes and way bigger than they should. It's hard when texting when you can't know the mood at the other end and a joke or an innocent quote can be understood completely wrong. But as you know how strong you two are, you will talk it out and it will soon be a thing of the past. Communication is just so hard LD, it's bound to happen to all of us some day. I know it's happened to us several times.

[snow_girl]

Just give him some time to cool down, he'll come around

[Unicorn26]

We talked on FaceTime last night, or rather he ranted and I listened.

He has a lot on his plate. The recent death of his friend has hit him hard and his mums gambling is out of control. He has had to bail her out of financial problems several times recently, she has spent the rent money every month for the last 3 months on the slot machines.

Things are really bad. I wish so much I could just fly over there and bring him back here. Why do things have to be so complicated? Why does he live in different continent? It's so hard. Over the past few months he has slipped into a rut, he feels he doesn't belong where he is and he wants out so badly. Everything seems to be against us. I need him to visit so badly, so he can see how much better it would be for him here, but it just seems like everything is going against us to stop that happening.

I feel like I'm slowly losing him. This is torture. :'(

[emsimes]

I agree with Snow_Girl. Just give him some time and he'll come around. I've said some things to my SO in the past that made him upset, and he just wanted space from me for a few hours or even a day. It sucked and made me feel like crap, but he'll come around and things will get better. Hang in there

[Unicorn26]

I'm trying to stay positive, but I have a really bad feeling in my guts about this.

It may be just me, but I'm feeling as if I can't talk to him anymore, he gets so defensive if I try and talk to him about things that are a little difficult. I know he's going through a difficult time right now but it seems like I'm his punch bag for whatever goes wrong in his life.

I love him so much, more than I've ever loved anyone before, but I'm having serious doubts about our relationship. I never thought I'd be in this place as we have been through so so much together, but I seem to be a lot more emotionally invested in this than he does.

I just don't know what's going on with him and I have no idea how to fix this.

[differentcountries]

Most long term relationship go through some rough patches. You have to strike a balance between confronting him and letting him deal on his own.

This isn't really the time to find out who loves who more. But in a way, it very much is. What people in a rut usually need, is their partner being independant, getting them to smile a little and leave them be. And... Being a little bitch at the right time like I was. SO too had a boss that expected too much of him. I stroke a huge fight in summer, telling him he needs to be nice to me even when his boss is not; I have to feel like I am important to him, otherwise I cant date him. It ended up with him leaving his job and finding another.

[farandaway]

Unicorn, you may have followed my thread. I completely understand as I feel often like my SO is taking too much distance than what is good for us. He is in a very bad place and instead of talking to me much and letting me into his life he turns to himself and works like crazy and I can't see that this is good for us. You want to help him by bringing him to you but he is in a rut and can't see that far. My SO is talking about a visit once he has things in order, he talks about the spring but that's as much I've got out of him. You're past 3years together, we're soon 4 years. We've had wonderful times and we've supported each other so much over the years. Now all the fun and romance is gone, it's just stress and defences and hopelessness. I feel like being on the back burner for him. I think what dc is suggesting, does not work for every person and every relationship. If I pressure my SO to make changes (that I know would be good for him), he will only pull away more. I have faith in us but I'm not sure always if I have the patience.

[Honour]

With everything he's facing, it's not surprising he took a bad joke the wrong way. My SO did much the same about 2 weeks ago, and really upset me. I'd overreacted through irritation and frustration, though, and within an hour we talked it out. It stung for awhile after but I pulled myself together and pushed it out my mind. I'm sure your SO will too. Silence makes us think all the worst imaginable things are happening/will happen, but really it's just our mind working overtime. Don't sweat it too much.

[Unicorn26]

Unicorn, you may have followed my thread. I completely understand as I feel often like my SO is taking too much distance than what is good for us. He is in a very bad place and instead of talking to me much and letting me into his life he turns to himself and works like crazy and I can't see that this is good for us. You want to help him by bringing him to you but he is in a rut and can't see that far. My SO is talking about a visit once he has things in order, he talks about the spring but that's as much I've got out of him. You're past 3years together, we're soon 4 years. We've had wonderful times and we've supported each other so much over the years. Now all the fun and romance is gone, it's just stress and defences and hopelessness. I feel like being on the back burner for him. I think what dc is suggesting, does not work for every person and every relationship. If I pressure my SO to make changes (that I know would be good for him), he will only pull away more. I have faith in us but I'm not sure always if I have the patience.

I feel like we are in exactly the same boat! I wouldn't say the romance and fun has gone though, that's still there and when we were together it was amazing, i haven't laughed like that in years and he hasn't either. We can still have hysterical laughter over FaceTime and we do still prank each other a little and take the mickey out of each other's Facebook posts all the time.

There is obviously an issue here, I think he has a mental block about taking about coming to see me. We have only had one visit and it took forever to get that far, not because we didn't want to, he suffered a terrible illness and almost died and he lost his home as a result of that. Then I had to have major surgery that took me the best part of a year to recover. Although since I got back he had thrown himself into work big time (50-60hrs a week) to save up the air fare, his mum (who he lives with now) has a serious gambling problem. She gambles all of her money away, ALL of it. He has had to pay all the rent and bills for the last three months, instead of his 50% so he has not been able to save anything. It's beginning to feel hopeless. I have to rely on my parents to look after my kids when I visit as I cannot afford to pay for all of us to go, and they will be reluctant to do it again without meeting him.

I just feel so stuck. I have no doubt that he loves me and he wants to be with me but I feel so helpless. It's making my anxiety go through the roof, I had a major anxiety attack last night and almost had another this morning. I just wish he would let me help financially, sharing the cost would make visits so much more achievable but he sees it as a weakness that I'm paying. I don't think like that, I think it's something couples who love each other do. I don't know how to get that through to him as every time I try and discuss it he just shuts down and it's hurting me so badly. It's like his pride is more important than my feelings or our relationship, I just feel we cannot grow unless we see each other more and it's so hard to deal with.

[farandaway]

I'm glad that you still have the fun part left. It means a lot to be able to laugh with your love. I wouldn't say that we only have the misery but my SO keeps to himself a lot and if he tells me he is sore and in pain from so much hard work, it is a lot from him. Now he's lost his phone! Our main communication is through What's App and there I can see if he's received my messages and read them and I was getting worried already. Today he wrote me in skype that he's lost his phone. It sucks, hopefully he can find it soon. We have so little communication as it is, we really didn't need this on top of it.

We talked on New Year's Day and I asked about his visit here. Spring time. He says he wants a restful break but still he wants to arrange meetings with clients that he met here a year ago and follow up with them. Talk about responsible and work oriented! Of course that is good in the long run but I could just lock myself in the house with him for two weeks and I would not miss a thing...

I can hear that your SO feels responsible to his mom and takes care of the household financially. I suggested to my SO when he separated last year to go live with his parents before he gets back on his feet but he was absolutely against it. Then his father got very ill and now he is caring for mom and living with him. I have found a side of him that I didn't know about. It's been present with his family earlier but until now I never really understood how much he is willing to sacrifice for his parents. I don't think he has much joy in life at the moment, he is just doing what he feels that he has to do and it reflects very strong on every area of his life, including us. Just like I feel is the case with your SO. How old is he? Is he okay living at home? I think some Americans would consider that as some sort of failure.

Feeling stuck is the exact feeling I have also. "I have no doubt that he loves me and he wants to be with me but I feel so helpless". Exactly my words. I don't get anxiety but I have pain and stress over this and on worst days like just before Christmas after my trip was cancelled I felt so terrible. The only time I was not in pain was when I was sleeping. It's awful to get your hopes and be disappointed. It's better not to have many hopes at all. But now when we talked again I understand him better. He said he definitely wants to come this spring but he feels that if I'd go there in Feb it would be over between us. His Mom repeatedly asking who I am (Alzheimer's) and I requesting more time to be with him. He says we would not make it. I am not so sure about that but I can see his point. It is hard to see him so rational. I am so much in love that I would just throw myself into it and see what happens. Just like your SO could just try to find the money and book the trip. What's the worst thing that can happen? I think the positives outweigh the negatives and it's got to do with your attitude a lot.

It is really hard to grow with distance and so little communication. This is our second time over a year apart. It was never supposed to happen the second time but life interfered. I could not do this if we didn't have the good times earlier. I think we have a good foundation for a very long relationship and I'm willing to bear the hard times. I just hope that my SO would be better in communication and expressing his feelings now when it's especially important.

So do you think his visit is only on hold because of money or is there something else? Does he worry about his mom? Does he have siblings? Would he stay with you? If he won't accept your money maybe you can suggest that he pays for the flight and you pay for all other expenses while he is with you?

[Unicorn26]

My SO is 42, same age as me. He has a brother and a sister, they both have kids, he doesn't.

I have no doubt he feels like a failure, but the reality if the situation is that his mom owes him BIG TIME. When he was working in the stock exchange he was earning a lot of money and he put some into an account in her name for tax reasons and she spent the lot, basically gambled it away on the slot machines. That money (which was a substantial sum) was his safety net and when his father got sick with cancer, SO left work to care for him. Then it came out that the money had all gone and after his father got better, the job he had was no longer there as the whole trading floor became computerised. He had seen this coming and saved accordingly but he lost everything because of her.

Now she is gambling hard again. The worst thing is she does it at the bar he works at so he has to watch her blowing the rent money. The whole point of him living with her is so he can save to come and see me but that's simply not possible right now. I have no idea how to solve this. I understand that after being financially successful for so long and always being the one to help others out financially that it must be really very difficult for him to accept any kind of hand out or help, but I'm supposed to be his girlfriend, his soulmate, the one he wants to grow old with. I don't know how to get through to him that money doesn't matter to me at all, the important thing to me is seeing each other again.

He will not be paying for a thing whilst he's here lol! He refused to let me pay for anything when I visited him. No way am I letting his visit be any different. He will be staying with me in my house.

I'm so sorry that your SO has lost his phone, I would be completely devastated if that happened! These phones are such a lifeline to our lovers and I really hope your SO finds it or replaces it really soon so you can resume normal conversation. I would be completely freaking out if I were you, respect to you for being so calm about it. I'd be a mess.

[farandaway]

This gambling really sucks. I can understand you're clueless. It's the same as with alcoholism, hard to accept the addiction as a sickness. Probably your SO would be better off renting on his own but then who would bail out mom? I think my SO is currently pretty much living out of parents wallet since he has not been able to work for almost a year. He may accept my money for the trip but we have not discussed it yet. I refuse to accept no money as a reason not to travel. He can also have his company pay the travel expenses because he will meet with clients here as he did laste time.
No phone yet but I can stay calm because I know that he is telling me the truth as he sees it. He is working hard so that he can come here in the spring. He is working hard to get the house fixed because mom is very confused with all the changes going on. And there is always skype, now he is sending little notes that way.

[Unicorn26]

We had a really long chat last night. In fact, it went on till 4am my time so I am exhausted today but it had to happen.

I explained that having no set date for next visit is affecting me badly. I told him how upset I was that he borrowed money for when I went over there and wouldn't let me pay for anything. I had plenty of spends and him borrowing that money has only delayed our next visit. I explained to him that him flatly refusing to even discuss me helping financially feels like the worst type of rejection and it breaks my heart.

He apologised and said he doesn't mean to hurt me. He said he is used to making good money and he went from that to losing everything and at 42 to be living with his mum makes him feel like a loser and totally worthless. He said he's trying to be positive and stay away from things that make him feel bad and me paying for his flight makes him feel bad.

We are in stalemate. I'm gonna give him some space to think about this. This is bonkers and I am incredibly frustrated that I can't get him to understand that I love him for who he is and that the money means nothing to me. I just want to know that there is something moving towards another visit...

[TheSteelAngel]

Hugs to you Unicorn Fighting long distance sucks big time. I got in another one with my SO just last week. We were supposed to have a Skype date to discuss our upcoming visit. Instead he tells me last minute that he's going out drinking with his friends for a bit and will be home late. It turns out he was out all night getting plastered and he completely blew me off. I was so mad I didn't text him for a couple days, but we finally talked last night and we're back to normal now. We've had worse fights than this one and I left him for a bit because of it, but it made us stronger somehow. I hope you guys can work out your differences