Is the distance stopping us from getting closer?

[Teacherfairy]

Hi guys. I posted recently about becoming reconnected with a guy that I was seeing a year ago (an expat living 7000 miles away).

We didn't speak for months but ended up meeting over christmas and admitted how much we had missed each other. We have continued to talk a lot since he went back and I know he feels the same as I do. But I think we are both cautious about going back to how we were because we know it didn't work last time.

I feel that the distance is stopping us from getting closer at the moment. We skype a lot and we talk all the time about the future and when he comes home. But that's not happening for another 2 years and both of us are avoiding talking about where we are right now.

We've talked about trying to see each other in person again soon but haven't set a date yet because work commitments keep getting in the way.

So for now I feel the distance is stopping us from moving forward. I want to find a way to get closer to him, but without pushing him away.

I have a great social life here and am always keeping myself busy. But this time around I feel anxious because I'm afraid of losing him again! I'm worried that he's sensing that and don't want it to scare him off!

[R&R]

Why do you have to rush it to be a relationship? Why can't you spend time getting to know each other better as friends again first and take off the pressure of worrying about being exclusive? You can't lose something you don't have yet. You've got to relax.

All of us on here prove that you can get closer even with the distance. It gives you an opportunity to get to know each other without it being something purely physical. Are you going to learn something new every single day over two years? Probably not. Are you going to really get to see how each other handle pressure, find out what makes the other person happy, have some in-depth talks, learn to read each others verbal cues, etc? Yes, you will. Maybe you'll be able to get some visits in for some close distance time.

My SO and I dated for six months (never met in that time) and broke up for 18 months. We've now been back together for over 2 years and are hopefully closing this distance this year. Sometimes the timing isn't right the first time around. I'm definitely glad we gave it another try.

[Teacherfairy]

Why do you have to rush it to be a relationship? Why can't you spend time getting to know each other better as friends again first and take off the pressure of worrying about being exclusive? You can't lose something you don't have yet. You've got to relax.

All of us on here prove that you can get closer even with the distance. It gives you an opportunity to get to know each other without it being something purely physical. Are you going to learn something new every single day over two years? Probably not. Are you going to really get to see how each other handle pressure, find out what makes the other person happy, have some in-depth talks, learn to read each others verbal cues, etc? Yes, you will. Maybe you'll be able to get some visits in for some close distance time.

My SO and I dated for six months (never met in that time) and broke up for 18 months. We've now been back together for over 2 years and are hopefully closing this distance this year. Sometimes the timing isn't right the first time around. I'm definitely glad we gave it another try.

What a lovely story. It's so nice to hear that it can be because of timing and things can work out. You're right. And I am really enjoying having him back in my life again. There's no doubt that we have a really strong emotional connection already.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so anxious really. I guess it's because I found it really hard losing him last time. A lot of my friends keep questioning me about whether it's going anywhere or whether I'm 'wasting my time' so I guess there's pressure from there too.

I guess I really do care about him and I would like to hope he'll be in my future. I know he struggles without the physical presence of being able to do things together and I'm worried that's going to stop him from letting himself get in any deeper.

[R&R]

What a lovely story. It's so nice to hear that it can be because of timing and things can work out. You're right. And I am really enjoying having him back in my life again. There's no doubt that we have a really strong emotional connection already.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so anxious really. I guess it's because I found it really hard losing him last time. A lot of my friends keep questioning me about whether it's going anywhere or whether I'm 'wasting my time' so I guess there's pressure from there too.

I guess I really do care about him and I would like to hope he'll be in my future. I know he struggles without the physical presence of being able to do things together and I'm worried that's going to stop him from letting himself get in any deeper.

When your friends ask, tell them you're taking it one day at a time and leave it at that. I can understand friends concerns but they also have to learn when they go from concerned to just nosy and obnoxious.

They only way you will know if being physically apart is going to stop him is to ask. Some people just can't do this distance. Not everyone is made for it. If that's the case, then maintain a friendship but don't let that hold you back from living your life and yes, that includes going out and dating.

[Teacherfairy]

When your friends ask, tell them you're taking it one day at a time and leave it at that. I can understand friends concerns but they also have to learn when they go from concerned to just nosy and obnoxious.

They only way you will know if being physically apart is going to stop him is to ask. Some people just can't do this distance. Not everyone is made for it. If that's the case, then maintain a friendship but don't let that hold you back from living your life and yes, that includes going out and dating.

And this is the conversation I think we're finding difficult to have. He proved last time that he couldn't cope with the distance. But has since said he made a terrible mistake letting me go. But my concern is that it won't change how he has always felt about the distance between us. It's difficult to have such a conversation over skype and, like you said, I'm also afraid of putting too much pressure on it too soon. Hence I guess why I'm holding a lot of it in and getting anxious!

Your story inspires me! How did it work after you and your SO reconnected?

[R&R]

And this is the conversation I think we're finding difficult to have. He proved last time that he couldn't cope with the distance. But has since said he made a terrible mistake letting me go. But my concern is that it won't change how he has always felt about the distance between us. It's difficult to have such a conversation over skype and, like you said, I'm also afraid of putting too much pressure on it too soon. Hence I guess why I'm holding a lot of it in and getting anxious!

Your story inspires me! How did it work after you and your SO reconnected?

It's not an easy conversation to have but all relationships (friendships & romantic) are going to have serious and sometimes difficult conversations. It's part of communication. You could even tell him something along the lines of - I want you to think about something seriously and I DON'T want an answer now because I want you to put real thought into it. I need you to really think about if you can handle us being anything more than friends while we are apart. There is no wrong answer. I just need your honesty. Think about it and we can talk about it again __________.

The reason we broke up the first time was due to him supposed to be coming to visit and he didn't make it - twice. I told him the second time if he didn't make it, we were over. He didn't show. About two weeks later he sent me a text and I told him if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where I lived and he needed to show up in person. I didn't hear back from him.
18 months later, I ended up texting him because I wanted to know what had happened. He explained everything to me. There were some things he hadn't told me before (no wife or gf or anything like that) and then it all came together. It showed him that he had to be honest and up front with me regarding everything and allow me to make decisions for myself. 3 months later we met for the first time and I flew to him. We've had our struggles and things that are still being worked out on his side but it will be better once we are finally settled and together.

[Teacherfairy]

It's not an easy conversation to have but all relationships (friendships & romantic) are going to have serious and sometimes difficult conversations. It's part of communication. You could even tell him something along the lines of - I want you to think about something seriously and I DON'T want an answer now because I want you to put real thought into it. I need you to really think about if you can handle us being anything more than friends while we are apart. There is no wrong answer. I just need your honesty. Think about it and we can talk about it again __________.

The reason we broke up the first time was due to him supposed to be coming to visit and he didn't make it - twice. I told him the second time if he didn't make it, we were over. He didn't show. About two weeks later he sent me a text and I told him if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where I lived and he needed to show up in person. I didn't hear back from him.
18 months later, I ended up texting him because I wanted to know what had happened. He explained everything to me. There were some things he hadn't told me before (no wife or gf or anything like that) and then it all came together. It showed him that he had to be honest and up front with me regarding everything and allow me to make decisions for myself. 3 months later we met for the first time and I flew to him. We've had our struggles and things that are still being worked out on his side but it will be better once we are finally settled and together.

Wow! What a story. I'm so glad that you worked it out. It would have been a shame to let what you have vanish because of a miscommunication.

I was hoping we would be meeting in February so that we could talk It through face to face then. But my holidays clash with a major work event he has going on. We talked tonight and he said he was going to look into another long weekend that he could get off. So hopefully we can talk then.

Any suggestions to maintain that closeness whilst we're physically apart? We whatsapp and skype a lot. The time difference can be a pain as when I get home he's usually about to head to bed and often waits up but is shattered. Never a good time to have a deep conversation!!

[R&R]

Everyone has different ways. Some people are gamers and play together. Skype dates watching movies. Some people even have Skype cooking dates and then eat their meals together. If it's hard to find time due to the time difference, start writing emails to each other.

My SO and I haven't had more than a brief, 5-minute Skype session in I don't know how long. We usually only get to talk once a day and sometimes that's very brief. Texting can be a lot or a little depending on his schedule. For us, just knowing the other one is there has to be enough sometimes. We haven't seen each other since July and no definite plans for a visit in the near future. You just do the best you can with what you've got.

[Teacherfairy]

Everyone has different ways. Some people are gamers and play together. Skype dates watching movies. Some people even have Skype cooking dates and then eat their meals together. If it's hard to find time due to the time difference, start writing emails to each other.

My SO and I haven't had more than a brief, 5-minute Skype session in I don't know how long. We usually only get to talk once a day and sometimes that's very brief. Texting can be a lot or a little depending on his schedule. For us, just knowing the other one is there has to be enough sometimes. We haven't seen each other since July and no definite plans for a visit in the near future. You just do the best you can with what you've got.

It must be so hard not knowing when you'll see each other again. I guess I'm lucky because we do get some time to skype. And on average we'll be on skype for a good hour or two if we can.

We've got into a habit of sending each other little YouTube clips and pictures that we find funny. Weirdly that's what I missed the most. When I get a random clip that I know is going to make me laugh.

I guess maybe I need to learn to somehow be less anxious about it all.

[R&R]

It must be so hard not knowing when you'll see each other again. I guess I'm lucky because we do get some time to skype. And on average we'll be on skype for a good hour or two if we can.

We've got into a habit of sending each other little YouTube clips and pictures that we find funny. Weirdly that's what I missed the most. When I get a random clip that I know is going to make me laugh.

I guess maybe I need to learn to somehow be less anxious about it all.

I look at is as someone always has it better than you (like people who can see their SO every weekend or at least a couple of times a month) and people who have it worse than you, (people who still haven't even had the opportunity to meet yet or are dealing with Visa's). You have to make the best of what you do have.

[Teacherfairy]

I look at is as someone always has it better than you (like people who can see their SO every weekend or at least a couple of times a month) and people who have it worse than you, (people who still haven't even had the opportunity to meet yet or are dealing with Visa's). You have to make the best of what you do have.

Very true. I think because it's ended once before I'm scared of doing the wrong thing and it ending all over again. Especially when our situation hasn't changed.

[Teacherfairy]

I'm scared. I feel like he's pulling away. I'm so frustrated. I just want to see him.

He started opening up to me last weekend and I felt we were on the same wavelength. But since then he's taken a complete u-turn and gone back into his shell.

I've been hinting since then that I'd like to see him again. He says he does but then doesn't actually make a plan. He can sense that I'm getting frustrated but instead of talking about it, tonight he just changes the subject by sending me links to videos and jokes, instead of actually answering the question.

I can't push it anymore. Do I just back off? Am I pushing too hard?

[Elizabeth123]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. A relationship takes two people working together to build it.
You both have needs and maybe he's not able to be in a LDR.

Perhaps take a step back and ask yourself...If this is all he can offer you...is it enough?

[Teacherfairy]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. A relationship takes two people working together to build it.
You both have needs and maybe he's not able to be in a LDR.

Perhaps take a step back and ask yourself...If this is all he can offer you...is it enough?

That's the thing it's not that I'm unhappy with what we've got. If he was open about his feelings and I knew it was going somewhere then perfect.

But I can't work out what he wants. As soon as he starts to open up its like he goes into panic mode and then just avoids talking about it. He doesn't shut off completely but he goes back to the light hearted conversation. Which I love, but surely sometimes you've got to talk about things if you want them to move forward

[TaraMarie]

I look at is as someone always has it better than you (like people who can see their SO every weekend or at least a couple of times a month) and people who have it worse than you, (people who still haven't even had the opportunity to meet yet or are dealing with Visa's). You have to make the best of what you do have.

Spot on, R&R. Regardless of how often, or not as often, we get to be with out SO's the common thread here is that we ALL have the exact same feelings, even regardless of our ages or the length of time we've been in a relationship. It's one of the things I found most relieving when I first found this forum. To know I wasn't nuts, or overreacting, or a stalker, was freeing! Lol. Good luck, teacher fairy, and welcome to LFAD!