Is it right feeling disappointed about this?

[WarwickGuy]

I mean, it says she is from Asia. That could mean Turkey or Japan or Mongolia or someplace else entirely. Even within a country things can be different.

I think he's in Asia and she's in the USA. Still, the culture point stands, as another user pointed out in the own experience of their SO coming from a US Mormon family, it could still affect things. There is some question of whether her friend is very conservative or more likely protective; it can indeed be worse living with friends, rather than having them support you from a distance. I'd be a little offended if I was the best friend and told suddenly that she's met up with a guy and says I've been online dating him for 2 years now. If it was my best friend, I'd want him to tell me, even if he hadn't met up with the girl.

I don't want her to tell her i'm her partner, she could mention as a friend..

When my girlfriend and I first started going on dates she told her friends (a couple) who were coming to visit her that she might have a friend joining her on NYE (but I was upgraded to Boyfriend by the time NYE came along). It could be a way to introduce you to her friends (or at least best friend), but would depend on her situation. If she's lived in her hometown for her entire life, then it would raise suspicion, while it would be easier if she has travelled or been to university/college out of state to say a friend she met while at uni is visiting.

I also agree with the need for balance in the situation. A relationship is two people and if she's happy doing this until you meet but you're not, then that's a problem (personally I'd be hurt a little, but that's me not you). It's alright for her to command that you come and visit certain days, but if you're working, or even if you're a student, it's not that easy obviously. You have to consider what days you can have off and the best price for travelling as the cost of flights can go from reasonable to painful all to easily.

[Zezima]

I am curious how you approached the topic with her. Perhaps start with your disposition and where you are coming from, i.e., "Hey _____, despite you wanting me to come earlier than planned for our first meet, I do not find it particularly fair that I am spending a large sum of money to come see you, and I am limited when and how we can see each other. I understand if your job was a concern, but it feels like you are only wanting me at arms length and I personally do not feel comfortable coming out there if this is the case..."

You should not feel forced to do anything, that to me is not a relationship. You should both have a balance and feel comfortable in whatever aspects you two choose to do. Key word is both of you. As I mentioned before, this is seeming like a one sided relationship. You need to stand your ground and be able to express how you feel. To me, the worst thing is not being able to have a voice, and if you do not have a voice, how is your relationship suppose to thrive?

Let us know how it goes!


Best,

Z

I told her I'll be visiting her in March and she tells me all of her friends are gonna be with her during that time and that she won't spend much time with me. She is pissed I'm not visiting her when her friends weren't around. Basically she doesn't want to tell her friends shes spending a few days with me since they don't know me. We both feel unhappy about this.. I don't want her to feel like this, I dont' know how to make her happy now.

[Miasmata]

Again, why does she refuse to even entertain the idea to introduce you to her friends? Why is she so scared of her friends' reaction?

[sasad]

I agree with Miasmata... Two years and no one has a clue about you? Best friends or not, that is silly. When you love and care about someone, you usually want to shout it out to the world. Being so "controlled" by her best friends.. That's just not right. There is something weird going on.
You are flying out to see her. Yet she says she will be hanging with her friends if you don't go when she says? Why?
Again, what is she afraid of or hiding???

[Zezima]

I agree with Miasmata... Two years and no one has a clue about you? Best friends or not, that is silly. When you love and care about someone, you usually want to shout it out to the world. Being so "controlled" by her best friends.. That's just not right. There is something weird going on.
You are flying out to see her. Yet she says she will be hanging with her friends if you don't go when she says? Why?
Again, what is she afraid of or hiding???

I think she wants to keep it private and doesn't want her friends to know she met a "male" friend online and spent time with him. I think she feels ashamed about it. She told me straight up she wouldn't even take leave from office and on weekends if her friends asked her to hangout, she would go with them instead. I think she said this out of anger. She doesn't want her friends circle talking about this. She says I don't respect her and I should have met her when she was free from her friends.

[R&R]

I think she wants to keep it private and doesn't want her friends to know she met a "male" friend online and spent time with him. I think she feels ashamed about it. She told me straight up she wouldn't even take leave from office and on weekends if her friends asked her to hangout, she would go with them instead. I think she said this out of anger. She doesn't want her friends circle talking about this. She says I don't respect her and I should have met her when she was free from her friends.

As I stated before, meeting someone online is no big deal anymore. It's just not and especially in the US. (Not saying it's not in other countries as well.) Saying that she doesn't want her friends to know is bull. Honestly, I highly doubt any of her friends would really make any type of big deal about it. And if she is ashamed of it, is that someone you want to be with? She should be proud of you and your relationship, no matter how you met.

If her friends dictate that much of her life and what she does, well it looks like she only has a spine when it comes to you and apparently that's strictly out of embarrassment. Also, if she was smart, she would want friends there when you meet for safety's sake. No matter that she has talked to you for two years, she hasn't met you yet. Women generally tell their closest friends everything and her best friend not even knowing about you - HUGE RED FLAG.

She is also very defensive for no apparent reason. When someone is so hostile about it like she is being and deflecting it to turn it all on you - generally they are hiding something. She's definitely not being honest with you about something.

[Elizabeth123]

This sounds so wrong! How come she isn't respecting YOU??? Why be ashamed of a relationship with you?
You deserve a partner who wants to communicate with you, includes you in their life, introduces to family and friends, looks forward to your visit (even if they have to work or go to school during the visit), and so much more.....
If this was my relationship I would end it immediately.

[Miasmata]

It just goes way beyond wanting to be private and right into wanting to desperately hide something. Either she cares more about her friends than you or she's horribly scared of her friends, both very problematic situations. Relationships are built on trust and that trust needs to be established together. Being shy or worried is one thing, but not even wanting to try to let you in and introduce you to the friends is all kinds of worrisome. Is this okay for you? How do you feel about being shut out so hard she basically says she'd rather hang out with her friends than you?

[LittleMissNova]

I dunno... it seems sort of weird to me, personally. i mean, it took me a few weeks/months to cough it up to my family and friends I met another guy online. My SO took no time at all telling his friends and family.
I don't know if maybe she's totally uncomfortable or really actually nervous about her friends judging her (which I think is sill because her friend's opinions shouldn't influence her love life like that imo)? It just feels wrong and I would try and have a serious talk with her.. Don't be nice if you start feeling angry either, be completely honest and blunt imo..

[Zezima]

Sorry the late reply but I think I've come to a decision. I don't feel safe visiting her. She made some rules, she wouldn't spend the night with me or when her friends are around. I asked her what If I needed help in the middle of night or if I get lost, she told me I can use police help if needed. She told me while she is busy, I should travel on my own and check out other places and I asked her what if I get robbed or attacked, her answer was " call police".

[R&R]

Sorry the late reply but I think I've come to a decision. I don't feel safe visiting her. She made some rules, she wouldn't spend the night with me or when her friends are around. I asked her what If I needed help in the middle of night or if I get lost, she told me I can use police help if needed. She told me while she is busy, I should travel on my own and check out other places and I asked her what if I get robbed or attacked, her answer was " call police".

I'm glad you've decided not to go. You deserve so much better in all aspects.

[C.C.]

Whaaaat.
I think you came to right decision, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to visit her while she has that kind of attitude and doesn't want to sacrifice even a bit or at least explain anything to you herself. That would be too one sided and unfair.

[Honour]

Jeez. You really did make the right decision not going. Glad to hear you did what's best for you.

[whatruckus]

Your whole situation just threw up Red Flags all over the place to me. Like R&R kept saying, it's really not a big deal to people anymore (especially in the US) that you met someone online. There's commercials CONSTANTLY playing on TV about dating websites and "meeting the right person" online. eHarmony, Match.com...etc. When I tell people I met my SO through an online dating site, Plenty Of Fish, they're just surprised in the sense that it actually worked. Then, they tell me, "Well, good for you!!!" And, we move on.

Where exactly does your SO live? Like the state and stuff, if you don't mind me asking.

I don't know, the whole thing seems so off to me. I'm glad that you decided not to go. If you're not comfortable, don't do it.

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I told my best friends first about my SO, before I told my family, just because I was worried.

If she doesn't feel like she can trust her friend, or her family, then who can she trust?

[Zezima]

She's actually asian and her family is conservative. They wouldn't mind if a guy is from another race. She told me her best friends might tell her parents about me and that's why she doesn't want her friends to know about me in the first place.