Please help! What should I do???

[kirsten119229]

Me and my SO live in the same country but 272 miles apart. We are both busy with work, but he seems to be a lot more busy than I am. I'm feeling a bit down if I'm honest. I have only spoken to him on the phone once since we got back together a week ago, (we text every day, although it is sporadic) as he is always busy in the evenings with friends. I feel a bit like i'm not as important. Sometimes it can be 14 or 16 hours before he replies to my texts. Surely he isn't that busy that he can't reply even once? Makes me feel a bit useless and like I'm not as important as his friends. I try to understand that he has an active social life, and I don't, and that seeing his friends is important to him, and that I would be annoyed if my friend kept texing whilst they were suppposed to be spending time with me. But that doesn't stop me thinking that I am unimportant in his schedule.

Although I am being quite paranoid, i know, it also makes me think that maybe he has someone else that he is seeing. It takes so long for him to reply that he mustbe extremely busy, or he's with someone he doesnt want to know about me. I know that sounds rediculous, but its how I feel.

I am hoping that i am just being over anxious and paranoid, but i'm not sure how much longer I can be second best to his friends for.

Please help!

[C.C.]

I think the best advice is to talk with him about it and communicate your worries.
Assuming and predicting won't help you too much, he needs to know that this makes you feel worried and not as important.

[differentcountries]

Depending on what he is actually doing; it is possible to not be able to answer text for 14 hours. Sometimes when I am at work, we are extremely busy during the daytime, and then we have time for toilet and dinner before preparing an evening event that we host and can't be seem texting. It can easily take 13-14 hours before I can get back home to breathe.

If he is visiting friends and can, at least in theory, regulate things by himself, talk to him about how he can text you in a way that does not make his mates feel left out. I usually text SO in the toilet or out in the hallway, not in front of people. I have even Skyped with him during parties that way. But I make an effort to not infringe SO/the communicaton on my friends, as that can come out as rude.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Is it possible you SO might not be texting you back when he's with friends because he's trying to concentrate on them and doesn't want to start a long conversation with you so he can spend that time with his friends? I feel a bit like this when my SO messages me and i have friends round. A while ago we had a bit of a falling out about how i'm rubbish at replying when my friends are here and i need to reply to her messages to make her feel loved and wanted, and that really changed my perspective on stuff because i was honestly just not messaging her back because i had friends with me and i feel so rude and neglectful when i'm on my phone when i'm with them, and talking about it with her made me realise that even if i send her a quick few messages to say i'm with friends and i'll hopefully talk later that's better than nothing.

You should try talk to your SO about this and you might find it's a similar situation, or find some sort of compromise so you're both happy :3

[hmrambling]

I try to understand that he has an active social life, and I don't, and that seeing his friends is important to him, and that I would be annoyed if my friend kept texing whilst they were suppposed to be spending time with me.

I suppose that I should get the following response as a signature because I post it a great deal here.

A relationship is about two whole people having full lives, then sharing those full lives. A relationship is not about two half people becoming one person. What does that mean?

Are you a student? If yes, go to school. Focus on school.
Are you gainfully employed? If yes, go to work and be present at work.
Have friends? If yes, spend time with them. Enjoy yourself.
Have hobbies? If yes, spend time on your hobbies.
Have interests? If yes, spend time on those things you are interested in.
Have internet? Read about the stages of relationships so that you will be knowledgeable about how relationships grow.
If you answered no to all of the above, change your life so that you can answer yes to some of these things.

Be a whole person so that you can be a whole person in a relationship. Become a priority and have a great relationship with yourself.

[Chris516]

This situation sounds like my (ex)wife. She would call me multiple times a day. While we were both at work. Thankfully, I was moved to another part of the office. Where her repeated phone calls were no longer for everyone to see me answer the phone.

[Unicorn26]

Everyone is different. Some of the replies here are a little harsh.

Personally, I think if your SO really values you they will make the effort to respond. No matter how busy you are, everyone needs to go to the bathroom at some point! There have been times when my SO has been very busy at work but he has always made time to send me a text. He would send me a daily "From the shitter" text ha! It's now a source of amusement for us!

Example of this is last night, he got called in to work the night shift at short notice, it meant we couldn't talk as planned that evening but it's ok, I went to bed and got some rest. Despite being really busy at work and he really was rushed off his feet, he still sent me a good morning text. He always does this, and it's little things that make a huge difference to how valued I feel in the relationship. I always tell him how much I appreciate that he does this, it's a two way thing.

[kirsten119229]

I'm confused at how this is supposed to help me. If anything I now feel slightly patronised. I don't call my SO 'multiple time a day.' But thanks anyway I guess.

[kirsten119229]

Everyone is different. Some of the replies here are a little harsh.

Personally, I think if your SO really values you they will make the effort to respond. No matter how busy you are, everyone needs to go to the bathroom at some point! There have been times when my SO has been very busy at work but he has always made time to send me a text. He would send me a daily "From the shitter" text ha! It's now a source of amusement for us!

Example of this is last night, he got called in to work the night shift at short notice, it meant we couldn't talk as planned that evening but it's ok, I went to bed and got some rest. Despite being really busy at work and he really was rushed off his feet, he still sent me a good morning text. He always does this, and it's little things that make a huge difference to how valued I feel in the relationship. I always tell him how much I appreciate that he does this, it's a two way thing.

Thank you,

I agree, some of the replies here are a bit harsh.

I think I will talk to my SO and explain how I feel. I don't think he means any malic by it, just thinks he is keeping in contact enough i guess.
And I think you are right, even a text from the 'shitter' would make me feel better hehe!

Thank you for being supportive and giving me your experiences. I'm new to this dating lark, and find it difficult sometimes to find my way and not be too over bearing/overpowering. I just wanted to know I was not alone in feeling like this.

Thank you again! You have made me feel a lot less alone and alittle bit more sane!

[Unicorn26]

You are most welcome!

[chloeturner]

Hi, newbie here but I agree that the replies I have read on this thread are awfully harsh. As Unicorn26 said, everyone needs a loo break and so it's not unreasonable to expect a reply, priorities and all that. Even with the 9hrs time difference and different work/sleep patterns, SO and I make time for a voice chat at the very least, every single day. In fact (and we are probably in the minority with this one though) we are connected through skype or fb messenger most of the time. It's very comforting having him there when I sleep and he also feels the same. Probably one of the reasons I am finding his flight time that much more unbearable!

Hang in there x

[kirsten119229]

This situation sounds like my (ex)wife. She would call me multiple times a day. While we were both at work. Thankfully, I was moved to another part of the office. Where her repeated phone calls were no longer for everyone to see me answer the phone.

I'm confused at how this is supposed to help me. If anything I now feel slightly patronised. I don't call my SO 'multiple time a day.' But thanks anyway I guess.

[kirsten119229]

Hi, newbie here but I agree that the replies I have read on this thread are awfully harsh. As Unicorn26 said, everyone needs a loo break and so it's not unreasonable to expect a reply, priorities and all that. Even with the 9hrs time difference and different work/sleep patterns, SO and I make time for a voice chat at the very least, every single day. In fact (and we are probably in the minority with this one though) we are connected through skype or fb messenger most of the time. It's very comforting having him there when I sleep and he also feels the same. Probably one of the reasons I am finding his flight time that much more unbearable!

Hang in there x

Thank you!!

I'm going to talk to him tonight i think. Just so he knows how i feel. I'll let you know how it goes!
Thank you to everyone who has been helpful x

[whatruckus]

This situation sounds like my (ex)wife. She would call me multiple times a day. While we were both at work. Thankfully, I was moved to another part of the office. Where her repeated phone calls were no longer for everyone to see me answer the phone.

Not quite sure what this even adds to the thread to be honest. I don't think the OP is anything like your ex.

As unbelievable as it might sound, yes, someone can actually be that busy occasionally. But, I don't see how he couldn't shoot you a quick text every now and then, even when he's out with friends. Even my SO does that sometimes, and he's complete crap when it comes to communication and replying back. It's even worse now that we're on a "break". I actually haven't heard from him since Sunday, and it was just one tiny text, "Just got home." Before that, I didn't hear from him since Friday evening.

There's also instances where my SO is literally too tired, too drained, and too annoyed from work to even want to talk to me, or anyone for that matter. My SO is a big recluse when it comes to conversations and talking, but he's a social butterfly when he goes out. It's really weird. So, most of the time...I don't hear from him. Even before we started on our "break" (or whatever it is).

I used to be like you, but I got to the point where I annoyed my SO because I would get so mad and upset that he wouldn't reply to me after like 30 minutes (literally). I still get like that sometimes.

I do agree that maybe you should focus on other things, like pick up a new hobby, get in touch with old friends...etc., to keep yourself busy and not so focused on when/if your SO replies back to you. Because if you only focus on him and when he gets back to you, it's going to drive you crazy. Believe me. And, I know you don't want to feel like you're annoying your SO either. It's like a double-edged sword.

I've been in your shoes, and I still get like that sometimes.

I do agree that maybe you should have a chat with him that when he basically ignores you, because let's face it...that's what it is, it hurts and makes you feel like you're not important. Explain to him why you get upset when he doesn't reply to you. Even sometimes when my SO gets mad at me for getting mad at him, I have a small chat with him that it hurts and makes me feel like crap when he ignores me. It gets better...but, I'm not going to lie, they end up going back to how they were. It's a force of habit. But, it's still not a good excuse.

[Chris516]

I'm confused at how this is supposed to help me. If anything I now feel slightly patronized. I don't call my SO 'multiple time a day.' But thanks anyway I guess.

No, You don't call your SO multiple times a day(thankfully). The similarity is the repeated attempts at contact regardless of how. I couldn't unplug the phone in the office I worked in, and I couldn't ignore the calls either. I had to actually talk to my (ex)wife about the phone calls. Whereas, You could text him until, 'the cows come home', and it wouldn't have an audible ring to it.

The point is in my illustration. Why that much need for 'communication', in one day.