How often do you fight?

[differentcountries]

In the beginning, most of our disagreements were due to the shock of meeting each other and having to stay apart. When I met him, he didn't even have a smart phone, and I could not afford to visitit him. I didn't know at the time that he shuts down when he feels hurt (and he didnt know that I cry like a river when I am upset). It took som getting used to.

We have also had practical problems; his first visa got rejected, some of his friends did not think I was serious....Which we did not neccesarily fight over, but the mood was very much broken, broken spirit perhaps.

We have had some stupid fights; why on earth he would refuse to buy straws when I needeed straws, why he threw the cat at me once, once we fought when I was about to leave after a week's visits, we have fought over him being distant and sharing less than I wanted him to, over him offending me by a mistake....we do agree that from every disagreement or fight, we learn something. Plus he thinks it is kind of hot that I am feisty and have a temperament, he needs my ability to get pissed of and confrontational.

There is only one fight that (apart from when we fought during the first month and I was foulmouthed for the first and only time) we remember as ugly, and that was the one this summer. Even then, I knew we were fighting because of his reactive depresssion and that his emotional withdrawel was setting me in mayday mode.... But the fight itself was very "clean", from my side at least. It was just that we hurt so much, and in different ways. My husband got dragged into it and it was painful for him as well. In retrospect, having long visits in the middle of the most intensive season of SO may not be the best move and we plan to do things differently this summer. What lingers in the air for us, the huge practical problem represented by the fact that we can't close the distance through marriage. However, we have not given up on that issue and continue to work towards him coming here.

What is worth commenting, is that I find that our worst communication is when we are both very "nice". It is easy to overbid each other on politeness and not want to share the bad stuff. That is not good communication at all, that creates more distance than a fight does. But SO gets very exhausted when I want to spell out everything, so we have reasched a sort of compromise where we do a sort of impulsive debate together, with or without reaching a conclution, it satifies his need to fix things quick and without too many "rules", and it is predicable enough for my taste as well. Also, one of my goals is that SO will be better at phrazing how he feels, and that will have to include the bad news, and this is an adjustment for both of us.

[kittyxuchiha11]

I feel like i've never had a proper fight with my SO but maybe that's just because i don't count our disagreements as fights. Like we disagree on things because we're different people and have different opinions but there's there been a moment when i'd define an of those as a fight. in december we were a bit awkward after we had quite a big disagreement but a few days later after we talked it out and stuff we were back to our old selves and everything was fine.
If you count disagreements as fights i guess we have sometimes. we normally disagree about silly things and both like to argue our point on it but by the end of the situation we normally both see each others point and that's that all sorted.

[Dwessie]

Rarely. It happens, but it's rare. I can answer though!

So my questions are:
- Do you fight? How often? About what?
- What makes you confident that those fights will be productive in the end despite the distance?
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"?

1. Sometimes. Not often. Usually I'm just being depressed about stupid crap.
2. I have no idea, they just are?
3. Only like once early on (and that was dumb I know!) anymore ignoring is for the sake of calming down before saying more dumb crap.

[Mims27]

So my questions are:
- Do you fight? How often? About what?
- What makes you confident that those fights will be productive in the end despite the distance?
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"?

- My wife and I do not fight very often. I can count maybe on one hand the times we've fought in the passed 6 years and it's not like we yell at each other.
- You learn from the mistakes you made and you grow as a couple. We talk things through and move on.
- I do not ignore my partner. The silent treatment is stupid and childish in my opinion. I grew up in a house with so much of it that I want no part of that behaviour. We do go quiet when we each need a moment to ourselves/space or time to re-focus. Helps to not say something you may regret later.

[C.C.]

- Do you fight? How often? About what?
- What makes you confident that those fights will be productive in the end despite the distance?
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"?

I haven't answered to these questions in my previous post, so

• Well, I guess not too often. But we have had a fight or two already, despite it being a new relationship. And we do have our disagreements too, but they get resolved peacefully usually.
• The fact that we discuss it as much as possible afterwards, explain how we felt, etc.
• Nope. Never.

[differentcountries]

So my questions are:
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"?

I might withhold being the one who sends a message first for a while, and I may not always respond the fastest if I am upset with him, but no, I cant say I ignore him. It is one thing to let him learn that he has to take more initiative sometimes, but another one to take part in silly games that might hurt the other person. I will however act upset if I am upset, which may include holding back initiative myself. But that is kind of natural...if you have a disagreement CD you are not always in the mood to talk so soon.

[AJG96]

We've never actually fought. There have been times where we'd get frustrated at something, and end up letting our anger out and shouting, but we've never been angry at each other. We've been annoyed, and we've had disagreements on different topics (Honestly though, if we agreed on everything life would be boring.) We've never actually argued or raised our voice purposely toward each other, so I guess it's different for every relationship.

[Lycka]

- Do you fight? How often? About what?
Yes, we fight but I wouldn't call it fight. It's rarely we "scream" (in text) but we do argument quite much. We say, serious talk when we have issues to solve. It quite rare, but goes in periods. I tend to lash out pretty much lately and feel a bit ashamed of that. But I'm a girl with period, what can I do?^^ It can be for small things that are so unnecessary, but it often is good in the end after my small rages. He knows that and I alert him in time.
- What makes you confident that those fights will be productive in the end despite the distance?
I'm not sure, about that question, but we almost never goes to bed with an unsolved issue. It does bring us a bit closer because we're both quite shy and want to keep things to oursleves. But with that, we've done many mistakes in the past 3 years. Talking (I wont say fight) is like a development for both of us- communication is one of our biggest issues. and communication is very important.
- Do you sometimes ignore your SO to (ironically) "send a message"?
I have to admit that I use to do that sometimes but keep reminding me that it's not good to do that. It's a bit childish and not fair play from me. So when I tend to caught myself doing that, ignore his texts, I use to reply some hours later.

[HeartIsInNY]

I used to think of fighting with my boyfriend who lives 800 miles away was the end of the world. I would constantly think that the fight would lead to him just not wanting to be with me anymore. Silly, kind of. But to me it was different than a relationship where I could see the person, explain my opinions, and argue with them face to face followed by some makeup cuddles and kisses. Both me and my SO are stubborn, so we used to be really passive aggressive, not text each other, post stupid things on social media that would make the other person mad, because we couldn't express ourselves over the phone correctly. While sometimes, I still get insecure about fighting with him, I've learned that if anyone is going to stop loving me based on something I decided to pick a fight about or a feeling I had that needed to be addressed ... then they don't care enough about me.

We've learned to communicate better. Sometimes one of us will just be like "hey, i'm a little annoyed right now, I don't want to address it right now, if I do later I will, but I'm going to chill out for a while and will text you later." Because sometimes in a LDR I find it's like word vomit through texts or calls that I just hit send without having the opportunity to calm down, because honestly some of it is soooo stupid. We can fight about the way he said good morning some days haha! When you can't see someone else's emotions, it can be hard. But you both will figure it out .. learn what makes the other tick, how to address your issues without making it feel like the end of the world.

Good luck