How to bring up communication?

[Campanilla]

Hi all,

So my Bf moved back to Spain last Wednesday (the 2nd) and so far I'm daling with it okay. A lot of my coworkers or sceptical and sometimes I let them influence my mood. But I'm fine, other than that.

I do find myself wanting to talk to him 24/7 and he's just not like that. I think I could deal with talking to me less ofbhe talked to me a bit more. I mean, we talk every day on whatsapp but I'd love for him to take more initiative and I never let him because I get anxious and send him a text.

I would love to bring up how, if he would just send me an emoji every once in a while, I wouldn't feel the need to latch in to a conversation when he does tall to me.

He got a week-long job in between his time off from his actual job in Madrid so he's staying with them for the week. I know he doesn't see them often so I tell him to just enjoy his time with them and go out. On Thursday night I told him I wasn't going to talk to him at all on Friday because was going to be so busy, having taken the night bus to Madrid and then sorting his stuff out at his friends' place. But that he could contact me if he had time and felt like it. And he did.

Can I ask of he thinks I talk to him too much and if he likes the emoji idea without sounding needy? I think he often doesn't initiate because when he talks to me I never stop conversing until he stops.

This is sth I would bring up in person bit we're like 2000miles apart right now. Or on the phone, but one of the things I wanted to bring up was setting a fixed day to videochat and I haven't done that yet. I'm not sure how well we'd do on the phone because since ?November, we've had 2 conversation over the phone and in both he was kind of tipsy.

Also, he hates planning, he's a typical Spaniard that way.

Is it needy to ask to send an emoji when he thinks of me if I promise to not answer the 'just emojis' type of messages? So I know he's thinking of me but he's comfortable knowing I won't start a 3-hr convo?

[differentcountries]

i wouldn't ask him a whole lot of specific things, perhaps exept sceduling Skype. If he fancies emojis he will reply in kind, but it is kind of controlling to ask him to do certain things, especially if it is also vague like "when you think of me". I mean, it is not really spontanious if you instructed him on how to be spontanious.

I find that, unless my also-not-keen-on-planning Turkish boyfriend is very busy with work or family stuff, he takes well to me calling him spontaniously. Often it works for me to just hear his voice (because I love his voice), it will soothe me much more than a long text session.

[sasad]

I think it's ok to express yourself and you can without sounding needy... If you do it over and over again and get whiny, then it could be an issue. People don't know what you like/need/feel unless you tell them. Just be open and honest. Say, "I love getting an emoji from you.. It makes my heart smile every time I look at it during the day, and I feel so much love..." Blah blah blah. It won't hurt to try, and as I suggest, don't be whiny etc. make it something upbeat

[Chris516]

OP, I looked at your profile, and noticed that you are in the North of Belgium, and your SO is in the South of Spain.

While I agree with everyone else about not contacting your SO often(several times a day). Since he is the one that moved back to Spain for whatever reason. To me, I would think the responsibility to keep up communication is on him. Not on you. Because he moved from Spain, to be with you. So, Since he moved back to Spain, he bears the responsibility of not letting you drift out of his life.

[Miasmata]

OP, I looked at your profile, and noticed that you are in the North of Belgium, and your SO is in the South of Spain.

While I agree with everyone else about not contacting your SO often(several times a day). Since he is the one that moved back to Spain for whatever reason. To me, I would think the responsibility to keep up communication is on him. Not on you. Because he moved from Spain, to be with you. So, Since he moved back to Spain, he bears the responsibility of not letting you drift out of his life.

No, it's the responsibility of both sides to communicate. If he had to move back to Spain for whatever reason, that should be respected, not treated like "well if he dares to move, he has to do all the work".

OP, definitely don't be too controlling or demanding, but do bring up your needs. Tell your SO what you like about the way he does things, and that you'd simply like more of it, or something along those lines. Talking about needs doesn't have to be needy, if that makes sense.

[Cup]

Hello !
Im glad you are dealing with the distance a bit better!

Pay no attention to what other people say , especially if you do not value their opinion in general, even if you do though, YOU are in this relationship, not them. LDRs are not the norm (although they are many more of them then most of us think), so to rephrase: there are not considered the norm, so people that want their lives planned in little boxes tend to put hate on LDRs. One thing I've learned in life is, do what you want even if a lot of people do not support you, if you are true to yourself and what you want , in the end, everyone follows. So better stick to what you want then ending up having other people tell you: "hey, you know what?I was wrong about your LDR, it's a shame you broke up".


Although personally i do not like playing games, i would wait for him to contact me sometimes(and i have and he did!and so will yours!). BUT, if i really feel the need to contact him for whatever reason BESIDES my insecurity, i would contact him, even with just an emoji. Is this even considered a game? I like being honest to myself and to the other person. I find it ok to wait for him to initiate, first of all to see if he will and second to give him some space if he needs some.

Also, you need to find out why you get anxious when he does not contact you. Is it fear of him losing interest?Fear of cheating? The list can be long. Adress your fears/insecurities and start dealing with them not for him, for you. And if you succeed, tell me how.

I wouldn't ask for the emoji thing cause you might go on another bad "trip" of: "Is he sending these cause he wants to or because i told him to?".
I agree with sasad on this, just let him know how much you like his actions. Dog trainers call it positive reinforcement (joke)


Regards,
Cup

ps I'm loving the smileys

[Campanilla]

I'm going to post a quick update and answer more thoroughly later because a lot of interesting points were brought up.

So I told him I missed him (after he initiated conversation) and asked him if he would like to call. He said 'yes if I'm homa at a decent hr, I'm still out.' So I told him to just ha g with his friends and maybe tomorrow be better for him? And he said it would be better if we wait until hens back in his hometown, which will be Wednesday.

So, considering I'm struggling with good perspective at the moment, does this sound fine? He doesn't see his childhood friends very often so I should just give him his space, right? Talk to him on the phone on Wednesday?

[Cup]

Hello!

Sounds perfect to me!
Take care and keep us updated!!

Cheers!

[sasad]

It still sounds like you are struggling and that is ok.. You still haven't talked with him about your wants/needs. It was nice of you to suggest another night. Just don't get upset if he agrees to it.. And it sorta sounds like you are a wee disappointed? Maybe he thinks you want the space too and is offering you time off as well? Again, let him know what it is you would like. He will never know unless you tell him.

[Campanilla]

Well, obviously I haven't talked about it yet. I spent all day abroad with friends so I didn't have any internet. When I got back (I was still at a friend's house), I asked at 7pm if he wanted to talk that night and he tells me he's still partyingso I told him to just enjoy himself. I'm not going to tell him about my needs and wants over whatsapp when he's out with friends. Talking about being a whiny girlfriend.

Honestly, he knows I don't need space because I've told him before he went that I was worried he'd be less interested in me because he was going back to his normal life with all his friends and things to do as opposed to just working 80hrs/week in a city where he knows no one. And then he said the same could be said from me but I said it's different because I'm already in my regular life, and he'll just be gone so I already chose him in my every day life, he chose me in a place where he was bored shitless.

The reason I actually asked the original question, is because I want to talk to him in person more but I don't know how to tell him this without talking to him in person. I know that I'd be a lot less needy if he made just a little time just for me twice a week, like a short phonecall during the week and a longer one on weekends but I don't know how to ask him that without having him with me. He'll probably be fine doing that but I always talked about these things when we were in bed together on a Sunday morning.

I don't know of you've ever read about The 5 Love Languages? Well, mine are quality time and physical touch so this is the reason I'm struggling. I think he's words of affirmation and acts of service. But I can't tell him that over whatsapp messages.

[hmrambling]

Is your life full of your interests, hobbies, work, school, spending time with friends, and family? So many times we see people lose interest in all else when in new relationships.

For me, I have to be a person with hobbies, interests, work, family, and friends. I have to have downtime for myself. I don't have time to text or call 24/7, nor would I expect (or want) my partner to.

On the other hand, if my partner was never available to talk, then I would have my doubts if that person was really available for a relationship.

Relationships take work on both sides, not just one.

[Campanilla]

I don't know how to quote more than one person in one post so I'll have to do this individually, sorry for the flood of posts that's an-bout to happen.

I find that, unless my also-not-keen-on-planning Turkish boyfriend is very busy with work or family stuff, he takes well to me calling him spontaniously. Often it works for me to just hear his voice (because I love his voice), it will soothe me much more than a long text session.

We never phoned when we were CD, so I'd have to get him in the habit of phoning in the first place and then letting him get used to me phoning him spontaneously. Problem is, I usually hate phoning myself and I'm not a fan of people phoning me randomly. I know it sounds strange.

[Campanilla]

I figured it out

OP, I looked at your profile, and noticed that you are in the North of Belgium, and your SO is in the South of Spain.

While I agree with everyone else about not contacting your SO often(several times a day). Since he is the one that moved back to Spain for whatever reason. To me, I would think the responsibility to keep up communication is on him. Not on you. Because he moved from Spain, to be with you. So, Since he moved back to Spain, he bears the responsibility of not letting you drift out of his life.

Actually, he didn't move to Belgium for me, he moved for work and we met while he was here. He's on 6-month contracts in different places. So we both knew that he'd be moving back this Spring, but also returning for 6 months within a year, normally this Fall/Winter. So it's definitely not his responsibility as we both knew what would happen after 4 months. We only met the 1st of November.

Also, you need to find out why you get anxious when he does not contact you. Is it fear of him losing interest?Fear of cheating? The list can be long. Adress your fears/insecurities and start dealing with them not for him, for you. And if you succeed, tell me how.

I know why it is. It's because he didn't have much of a life here in Belgium but he has loads of friends in Spain. I'm scared he might not have realised he's not that into me because I was such a welcome change to his mundane work/eat/sleep pattern. Now that he's back with all his friends, he might find out I'm not as engaging as he thought. Also because I'm just so much less funny and interesting in Spanish because I don't speak the language well enough to be witty or even get all of his jokes (you know how important it is to find your guy funny).

Is your life full of your interests, hobbies, work, school, spending time with friends, and family? So many times we see people lose interest in all else when in new relationships.

For me, I have to be a person with hobbies, interests, work, family, and friends. I have to have downtime for myself. I don't have time to text or call 24/7, nor would I expect (or want) my partner to.

On the other hand, if my partner was never available to talk, then I would have my doubts if that person was really available for a relationship.

Relationships take work on both sides, not just one.

Yes, I have a very full life. I have a job I like with colleagues I love (we have a ball together), I go to MeetUps, have 3 lovel housemates to hang out with, I visit my parents often, I go to MeetUps, I cook/bake, I go cycling to hang out with my cousins who live 20miles away, we take camping trips, I took up running in January and just ran my first 10k in the park on Saturday. Honestly, I haven't been home at all this weekend. I cooked dinner for mu sick housemate on Friday night, I went running on Saturday morning and shopping in a thrift shop with the other housemate in the afternoon, on Sunday I went shopping at Primark in Holland with some girls from work, left at 9:30am, didn't get hom til after 10pm.

My life is full and full of joy, but I still find the time to worry and wwrite dposts like this one lmao. TThing is, I had this full lmife when I met him and made a little nook especially for him. I gavehim a little corner in my nido de amor, or love nest , as he calls my house. So my life is the same (which is pretty great), just minus him all of a sudden. Whereas he has to live wothout me, but he gains his whole life.

[hmrambling]

I know why it is. It's because he didn't have much of a life here in Belgium but he has loads of friends in Spain. I'm scared he might not have realised he's not that into me because I was such a welcome change to his mundane work/eat/sleep pattern. Now that he's back with all his friends, he might find out I'm not as engaging as he thought. Also because I'm just so much less funny and interesting in Spanish because I don't speak the language well enough to be witty or even get all of his jokes (you know how important it is to find your guy funny).

I'm a runner, too, and get how running can keep a person busy.

It sounds like a lot of your concerns derive from insecurity. In my case, when I'm not getting the contact I want, I put a run between my crazy thinking and the next conversation I have with my partner. I set a goal to run 5 miles or so, and after I've thought about it over 5 miles and talked it out with friends, and even turn it over to my higher power, then I talk to my SO about it. My thinking is a little clearer and I come across as having a well thought out conversation instead of addressing my SO from an anxious or needy place.

Edited to Add:
I usually realize that I am the effing bomb while I'm out there running, which usually takes care of any of those insecurities I might have had.

[Campanilla]

I usually realize that I am the effing bomb while I'm out there running, which usually takes care of any of those insecurities I might have had.

When I'm running, I'm still thinking about him mainly so that doesn't really work. I think I just have a very fixating brain where my mind just wanders to one thing at all waking hours of the day. I think it's going to be hard to stop.

I also think I made a mistake today. So I asked if we could phone each other on Thursday (he'll be tired, I'll be busy in Wednesday) and he said 'okay ' and then I asked, "or don't you miss me a little?" with a little cheedy smiley face. I probably shouldn't have done that? Or was that not so awful. He hasn't replied het but he's in his last night with his friends so he's probably out by now so that's perfectly normal. Any opinions?