Somewhat rhetorical question about trust

[Cup]

Thank you for your kind words!
I am not freaking out as much, you did help!
I know communication fades after a while, I do think it's a bit too soon, 7 months? We did reach the point of routine and a bit boredom, but still, it doesn't explain this sudden pull. Maybe I'm not really done with my anxiety. Either way, I do have issues and this behavior triggered a few. I have been cheated on, once I was expecting it (I knew he was a cheater) and the other I wouldn't of have expected it if you told me my life was depending on it. Apparently the last one took a toll on me. Got to find my way around it.

I want to talk to him and will but first I want to give him space cause I think that's what his behavior is telling me. Also, we still haven't defined the relationship, I was waiting for a good time. So that adds to my concern as I do not know how he feels about me and we have no plans on anything. Which as you said R&R, would indeed make it a lot easier.

Do men really ever pull away like that for a good reason or have I just been reading articles that are meant to calm people?

Thank you again for your help! I will keep you guys posted!

[Cup]

One thing is for sure, i am overreacting. Whatever the reason of this, i am taking it too hard.
I promised myself just now that i will be cool about it. Not denying what i feel but i think i really need to stop overreacting. Things are truly not as bad as they seem, chances are he really is busy in work and building a social life he was lacking.

I really hope he is not pulling away cause he is losing interest, but even if it is that, i can't be feeling like this for too long.

Everyone is a huge help thank you!

[Cup]

Update.
We talked. So he was feeling pressured from work, from family and from me,when i was mad at him for 'dissappearing'. I explained that I was worried, he understood but still felt pressured a bit of how much we communicated (his time now is limited and he prefers being able to go out without feeling guilty of not videochatting with me) . I told him there's no point in calling me if you don't want to, I prefer talking less than that. It seems as though he's been feeling like this for a while, cause he acted like I always pressured him and trust me I don't and I told him so. I never ask him to constantly text me or call. I never text him when he's out, only for Goodnight.

Anyway, we cleared it all up. I'm sure he understood that I am not that pressuring and it was this one time.
Now I'm cautious of texting him. I think I'll stick to the 'good nights' and let him take the lead.

Thoughts?

[Elizabeth123]

Glad you had a talk. It's much easier to figure out what's happening for you both. Now keep talking when you both have time and build on it.

[QueenD]

Cup, it certainly is difficult to navigate these situations gracefully, especially when a lack of contact is bothering you. One thing that I did with my SO is discuss expectations around returning communications (mostly focused on texts.) He was worried that I might get upset or angry if he doesn't reply right away, which is an issue because his job is in television production and editing and sometimes he either a) can't respond quickly or b) he wants to maintain focus on his work. I can text him almost any time for at least a brief message, which is very different than his situation. We ultimately decided that if we needed the other to respond right away we would *gasp* say so in the text message and also say whether we needed a call or a text back. So far it's working ok, though I have to work on myself a little bit. I don't have a problem asking him to contact me right away when it's a practical matter ("Hey, I need to buy plane tickets today or the price will go way up.") but I suck at it when it's an emotional matter. ("I haven't heard your voice in three days and I'm missing you. Can you please call me?") That is my own issue to work through.

[R&R]

I want to talk to him and will but first I want to give him space cause I think that's what his behavior is telling me. Also, we still haven't defined the relationship, I was waiting for a good time. So that adds to my concern as I do not know how he feels about me and we have no plans on anything. Which as you said R&R, would indeed make it a lot easier.

Update.
We talked. So he was feeling pressured from work, from family and from me,when i was mad at him for 'dissappearing'. I explained that I was worried, he understood but still felt pressured a bit of how much we communicated (his time now is limited and he prefers being able to go out without feeling guilty of not videochatting with me) . I told him there's no point in calling me if you don't want to, I prefer talking less than that. It seems as though he's been feeling like this for a while, cause he acted like I always pressured him and trust me I don't and I told him so. I never ask him to constantly text me or call. I never text him when he's out, only for Goodnight.

Anyway, we cleared it all up. I'm sure he understood that I am not that pressuring and it was this one time.
Now I'm cautious of texting him. I think I'll stick to the 'good nights' and let him take the lead.

Thoughts?

If you haven't defined the relationship, you may really want to bring it up. I mean, you don't want to be going through all of this if he isn't looking at it the same way you are. Don't make assumptions, ask. You've already invested 7 months in this - I think you really need to know.

Yes, I would let him take the lead on things for now. He has told you about everything going on. Do things for you. How often to we get so concerned about everyone around us that we put ourselves last on the list? Pamper yourself a bit!

[Cup]

Glad you had a talk. It's much easier to figure out what's happening for you both. Now keep talking when you both have time and build on it.

Thank you!! It really was nice to talk openly about it finally!

He was worried that I might get upset or angry if he doesn't reply right away, which is an issue because his job is in television production and editing and sometimes he either a) can't respond quickly or b) he wants to maintain focus on his work.

This was exactly how he felt when i was texting him throughout the day. I was never expecting a reply, but he felt he had to!

If you haven't defined the relationship, you may really want to bring it up. I mean, you don't want to be going through all of this if he isn't looking at it the same way you are. Don't make assumptions, ask. You've already invested 7 months in this - I think you really need to know.

Yes, I would let him take the lead on things for now. He has told you about everything going on. Do things for you. How often to we get so concerned about everyone around us that we put ourselves last on the list? Pamper yourself a bit!

I will definitely bring it up in the short future, right now i am just gonna give him space.


Thank you all for your answers!

I feel a lot better. I too was starting to feel "pressure" from our daily video chats, our time window got smaller so we had to be home at a specific time. Also, we were running out of things to say and sometimes it's better to talk on weekends about a lot of stuff than force yourself to talk with the other everyday , just because. Not that i don't want to see him, but i do prefer having a nice conversation than just lists of how our days were.

The only thing is that i think he was feeling like this for a while now. I have seen him feel like he didn't want to video chat sometimes, but he seemed forced to do so. I didn't say anything back then cause i was afraid he would be offended. Next time i will. Also if the next time we talk and the subject comes up (or not) i want to tell him that he should feel free to tell me whatever he wants. I am sure i picked up on his behavior and that's one of the reasons i was feeling off. I am usually a really laid back person but the combination of not knowing what we are and his behavior brought all the "paranoid" thoughts i have inside me. I am still working on the root of those, as i said, personal growth.

I can't say i like the fact that he felt pressured, i am afraid that this may be the beginning of the end, but i am not panicking over it. He is consistent since our talk and i can say i feel better too and more free. Not that i was feeling trapped, but i love that we don't have to talk on video every day. I don't know how we got that obsessive with it. I even told him at some point that i know you are busy and i appreciate that we talk even for a few minutes. That was my way of trying to tell him that it's ok if we don't but you can take it either way. He did say something similar to me too.
I think all of this , at least from my part, stems from the fact that we haven't had the DTR talk. I have never needed one before but i think being LD makes me really need it and that's ok.

Thank you again all for your advice!!

[sasad]

what is a DTR? Define the relationship??
So, are you exclusive etc???

[Cup]

what is a DTR? Define the relationship??
So, are you exclusive etc???

Yes it means define the relationship and no, I do not know for sure if we are exclusive, neither does he. But, we are both from countries that never use dtrs so the chances are highly leaning towards 'yes we are exclusive. To beat you to it, no, this uncertainty is not working for me anymore and I will soon find the right time to bring it up.

[hmrambling]

For me, trust is established over time. I do not trust anyone automatically. The purpose of dating is to get to know someone. Part of getting to know someone is to learn how that person communicates, if that person is honest, if that person is dependable, and to look for any other characteristic that I find desirable. Once that person establishes that she is trustworthy, then I come to trust her.

Dating is kind of feeling out the other person. If I see red flags, then the person might not be trustworthy. I have to look out for those red flags.

I remember when I first started dating my current SO, that she would say that certain behaviors were "noted". What that meant was that those behaviors might be a little questionable. She was looking for a pattern of undesirable behaviors. When she found that there was no pattern, and that a behavior was isolated, then she would not be very concerned about that behavior.

We had a situation come up a few weeks ago where I told her that I certainly catalogued something that she did as an undesirable behavior, and that I hoped that it would not happen again. She admitted she was wrong and said that she will work on that behavior in the future.

Trust is a continuum, and not automatically given. A person demonstrates trustworthiness, and then that person becomes trusted.

Since we have an established trust between us, when something comes up, each of us feel safe to talk to the other about whatever the problem is. Dating and relationships call for effective communication. Withholding from a partner can affect trust in a relationship. Not communicating problems can affect trust in a relationship.

For me, when trust is established, I feel safe to talk with my partner about whatever is on my mind. Without trust, I don't feel safe to talk to my partner about whatever is on my mind. We try to communicate openly and address problems as they come up.

We defined the relationship about a month after we started dating, and before sex. I formally asked her to be my girlfriend and we talked about exclusivity, and what exclusivity meant for each of us.

[Cup]

Thanks hmrambling for your reply!

That's how i treated my SO too. He seems pretty trustworthy, i "tested" him a lot. It is hard though to stop due to the distance and the fact that he is not expressive. About the DTR, i honestly have DTR'd once to be precise and my ex did it after he thought he was losing me, long story. Anyway, we both live in countries that sleeping together and dating for a month or so usually means you are exclusive, unless someone says "we're doing this for fun".

This is really the first time i feel the need to define a relationship. Anyways, right now i am more concerned if we do have any relationship to define. I feel good throughout the day but the longer i don't hear from him , the more i feel sad. This is of course because i do not know where he stands. If he tells me we're on the same page, i would probably be able to go a couple of days without texts even!

I know him saying he felt pressure isn't a good thing, but i also know it doesn't mean we are doomed. Has anyone of you been through something similar?

[sasad]

A little bit with my current SO... In the beginning it was agreed we could see others but not sleep with anyone else. That was my rule actually as I don't need to catch anything. He agreed and that was that. Now, we didn't define bf/gf so we were more FWB... So we didn't have contact all the time etc. It started to drive me nuts after a while.. not the trust part, the communication part. After he moved to FL, he realized I was "the one" haha I already KNEW it. We then had the extra talk to tell us that we don't see anybody else and we ARE a couple. We talk every single day.. Skype every day.. at least at lunch time... and both of us like and need that.

I do agree with HR... Trust is earned for the most part. I do have basic beliefs and stuff in most people, but when it concerns me or my son. Its a lot different...

[Cup]

... In the beginning it was agreed we could see others but not sleep with anyone else. That was my rule actually as I don't need to catch anything.

See , this wouldn't be acceptable in my country and i am assuming in his too, our cultures are quite similar. Heck, even the term dating isn't something we do.

It started to drive me nuts after a while.. not the trust part, the communication part. After he moved to FL, he realized I was "the one" haha I already KNEW it. We then had the extra talk to tell us that we don't see anybody else and we ARE a couple. We talk every single day.. Skype every day.. at least at lunch time... and both of us like and need that.

I do agree with HR... Trust is earned for the most part. I do have basic beliefs and stuff in most people, but when it concerns me or my son. Its a lot different...

It's nice to know that someone has gone through something similar, although we started out with talking every day to cutting it down to i assume texts throughout the week and skype on the weekends, but his situation really changed and our schedules are different.

As i said, i do not like this a lot, i do appreciate that i do not feel obliged to let him know where i am and I'm sure he likes it too, i just really want to know where we stand right now so i can start feeling safe again. Thing is, it's the worst moment i can ask !! So as R&R said, i'll pamper myself. I am already super busy doing stuff for myself, i'll go overboard and have beautes with facial masks and such! ahahahahahahah

Other stories all always welcomed!!

PS Any ideas for Face masks remedies? I used to use honey, it is so nice!

[oinkpig329]

I personally think that it's normal to get concerned/upset if you suddenly don't hear from him for an entire day when you usually do. One time I had a similar situation where his phone died, and I got upset. It's hard in a LDR when all you have is that communication, and I think miscommunication happens very very easily. We were able to talk about it, realized there was miscommunication/technical issues, and now when his phone is about to die he just sends me a heads up so I know not to expect to hear anything from him. At least on my end, conflicts for us come out of expectations and miscommunication, so if you can either communicate those expectations or let them go then the conflicts will be more minimal, or you can resolve them more quickly. From this situation is sounds like you expect to hear from him every day (an expectation created by your usual habits), so if he knows that then he might be aware of getting in contact some way to let you know of the changes.
Also, all that being said I think it's important for you to continue to work on your difficulties with trust. You've been greatly hurt by your past, and it takes some time to heal. I am an anxious person, and am always trying to learn better how to control that anxiety and not over analyze/worry about silly and stupid things. It's a growing process, and hopefully your SO will understand (even if he gets a little frustrated at times) and you'll figure this out together. Can you talk things out with him, express your concerns and find a compromise that you don't think is controlling? Why not be open with him, so he knows your internal conflict, and that you're working on it?

[Cup]

Hello oinkpig329 and thank you!

He did find it normal for being a bit worried, but mostly he got pressured by me telling him, almost like scolding him : "You should've found a computer and messaged me, you should've done this and that". I said i was sorry about the way i reacted, but i was worried, i could of just handled it better. The problem was it sounded like he was having this feeling of pressure way before this happened and did not communicate about it and neither did i when i first sensed it. I hope that after this we will be able to talk freely to each other. I did expect to hear form him every day, 3-4 times a day. He initiated a lot in the beginning of the relationship, then we kind of both did, so we got into a pattern of daily communication and videocalls.Apparently he got pressured by work,his free time was limited, was forced to pick between me and his social life(i did not tell him to), kept all of this bottled up, my texts started to annoy him cause he was at work and could not answer, then this happened and boom. He felt pressured. I can't blame him, but both of us should've spoken up when we felt this the first time.

It may sound like im lying, but i am not a controlling person. I do not want him to give me details on what he is doing all the time, i just got used to it. I honestly do not want to share my fears with him because he can't help. It will only make it worse for both of us. I may turn it into an affirmation game and that would be a disaster. I did tell him i have a problem with anxiety and he was really supportive, but never told him about my fears or trust issues. I want to trust him, so if he says nothing happened, i want to believe him and did. Us cutting down on our communication actually helped, well most of the time, except for the nights, it always gets harder as the day comes to an end. To be honest though, today is easier. I do not know where he is and it's ok.He's probably out again and that's ok too. Of course there's the paranoid part of me that is telling me....oh gosh i really don't even want to type what it is telling me. I think i would rather trust him and get hurt again then let my paranoia win. That's how i feel now and hopefully that's how i will feel tomorrow too.

You are 100% right, i do need to work on my trust issues and i am. I really need to go to a therapist though, to get to the depth of this. There are just so many things you can do on your own.
It's comforting that you have through a similar situation about communication and got out victorious!

Thanks again for your reply!