Somewhat rhetorical question about trust

[Cup]

Thank you for being so patient with me.

I am probably jumping to conclusions here, but what if he disappears again? Second weekend in a row? Then what? How to handle that? Is ok then to talk about where we are at? Cause IF that happens as R&R mentioned, I am not willing to go through that again and for nothing. I can be ok with the less communication but disappearing with excuses 'I slept at a friend's' can only go to some point.

Again thank you for your patience.

[Cup]

Sorry for double posting, i really find it comforting posting here, i also have to tell you, he didn't exactly disappear, but he is really close to it. He sent a good morning text and didn't keep his phone on wifi long enough to receive my reply(less than one minute later). Him having no internet, means he's not at home and most likely didn't sleep there either, again. An he still hasn't received it. The only difference with last week was his good morning text.

I am really struggling with my fear of cheating and trying to stay reasonable so i can handle the actual problem. I am doing a better job as time goes by. I am thinking about not doing anything. Acting normal and let him take the lead to see where he will take this. Why would he be dragging this out if he wants out? Can this be just the stress?

I do not know how to give space! I read somewhere that the worse thing you can do is fall off the radar too. Is this true? Cause i do feel like turning off my phone, but that is not me.

Thanks again for your patience!

[R&R]

I know you don’t want to pressure him to define the relationship, but sitting here hanging isn’t helping you at all. You are upset, you are stressed out, you are walking on eggshells and you are questioning things. It’s important to know where you stand. You guys aren't 15 - you're adults and should be able to have an adult conversation about this.

If he says you are in a relationship, the remember, a relationship is a partnership. There is compromise and working together. When one party has complete control of how everything, including how communication is going to go, that is not a partnership, it’s a dictatorship. One person has complete control and one walks around on eggshells, worried they will do or say something wrong. I’ve been there, done that and it is a HORRIBLE way to live. If you decide you are in an exclusive relationship, you would both have to work together to figure out what is and isn’t acceptable and expected regarding communication needs.

If he says he’s unsure, then I think rather than asking “why would he be dragging this out if he wants out”, the better question to ask is “why am I wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is unsure that being in a relationship with me is what he wants?”. Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t you want someone who is 100% sure that being in a relationship with you is what they want and the two of you work together to make the relationship grow and thrive?

[Cup]

I know you don’t want to pressure him to define the relationship, but sitting here hanging isn’t helping you at all. You are upset, you are stressed out, you are walking on eggshells and you are questioning things. It’s important to know where you stand. You guys aren't 15 - you're adults and should be able to have an adult conversation about this.

If he says you are in a relationship, the remember, a relationship is a partnership. There is compromise and working together. When one party has complete control of how everything, including how communication is going to go, that is not a partnership, it’s a dictatorship. One person has complete control and one walks around on eggshells, worried they will do or say something wrong. I’ve been there, done that and it is a HORRIBLE way to live. If you decide you are in an exclusive relationship, you would both have to work together to figure out what is and isn’t acceptable and expected regarding communication needs.

If he says he’s unsure, then I think rather than asking “why would he be dragging this out if he wants out”, the better question to ask is “why am I wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is unsure that being in a relationship with me is what he wants?”. Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t you want someone who is 100% sure that being in a relationship with you is what they want and the two of you work together to make the relationship grow and thrive?

You are spot on. I do sure feel like 15 when it comes to talking, but i know it's like a band aid. Do you think it's the right time though? I know i've delayed it enough, but i think that to ask him where we stand is the worse question i can ask while he wants space? Or does it even matter? I mean if he feels strongly about me, he should not mind right? and i do not want to be with someone who is unsure, that is a fact, been there, done that, no more. Maybe if i feel the right timing on our next call i might bring it up but i'd love your opinion on the timing.

Thank you so much, this is really helping!

[R&R]

You are spot on. I do sure feel like 15 when it comes to talking, but i know it's like a band aid. Do you think it's the right time though? I know i've delayed it enough, but i think that to ask him where we stand is the worse question i can ask while he wants space? Or does it even matter? I mean if he feels strongly about me, he should not mind right? and i do not want to be with someone who is unsure, that is a fact, been there, done that, no more. Maybe if i feel the right timing on our next call i might bring it up but i'd love your opinion on the timing.

Thank you so much, this is really helping!

If you are looking for an exact or perfect time, you are never going to find it. You will always be able to come up with a reason as to why this conversation wasn't the right one. 7 months is a long time. Honestly, I would have had the conversation months ago.

[Elizabeth123]

the better question to ask is “why am I wanting to be in a relationship with someone who is unsure that being in a relationship with me is what he wants?”. Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t you want someone who is 100% sure that being in a relationship with you is what they want and the two of you work together to make the relationship grow and thrive?

R&R said it...this is very correct

Only you know the correct timing for you...this is your relationship and you have needs that must be met...your so does too...that's where keeping the relationship alive takes both of you putting in the effort...it's not a 50/50 split but somedays one partner has to step up and do more and then it goes the other way.
You both must talk and find a balance that feels right for text,Skype, etc... no two couples are alike.

What I need from my so is unless an emergency arises he will get back to me when I text or call.
I don't set a time limit (If he has phone/ other problem it's on him to let me know that) LDR's are hard and both people need to be flexible. Personally I can be more patient because I trust he feels the same way about our relationship.

[Cup]

Thank you both for your replies! I wasn't in a good spot yesterday to reply!
So i feel better, that's for sure. I remembered the convo we had and remember that what he was actually telling me was how busy he was and that he felt pressured that one time i freaked out. I am pretty sure i put tons of drama in it after the convo and named it "he needs space" when all he said was "i felt pressured from you being demanding that one time". This does not change the fact that he "disappeared" again the other day, but it takes the "doomsday" out of my head.

He also said that he needs this time for himself (not to be alone, but to do things). He was going through a REALLY tough period before he got a job(we also had much more free time), that's true and he really could use a good time and really does need to socialize (he recently moved back) and he is an out going person. So in general what he says does make total sense to me. Now my problem is i have a horrible issue with cheating. So the only thing i can think is that he is off with another woman. Although mathematically it can be an option, i know i am being paranoid. I can't hint to him that i think he is cheating in a small chance of making me feel better, cause if he is cheating he will never tell me and if he isn't , it will affect us badly. So i thought about it, i have two options. Either not believe him and break up or believe him and work on this relationship.
I do not want to break up with him, not because i can't be alone or anything, but because i really believe we have something good going and i am just being paranoid again over a small communication problem. So i am choosing to believe him. I am horrified of being hurt again. TERRIFIED. But i think i must take this leap for me also. I need to get this fear over with and realize that even if he does cheat now or later, it has nothing to do with me and the trust i put in him. I do not want to tell him of my fears, cause i am sure that will take me on a baaad trip. I will be constantly asking for affirmation and the more he will give it to me, the more i will ask. Been there, done that. I will book an appointment with a psychologist and work with it. If i manage to feel safe and confident after enough sessions, maybe i will tell him.

I decided to also put the dtr back on the table somehow. Maybe not in a form of conversation, but throw hints to see his reaction. I am pretty sure i am the only one wondering here, but you can never know. Also, it's not about the label, it's about future plans. If it was a CD there would be no need.

As for the balance for our texts, i honestly do not know what will help me. I think of this situation under the cheating prism and whatever i may ask for i feel like i will be checking up on him. What should i say?don't disappear on the weekends? Find a way to always have internet cause when i send a message at anytime it makes me feel secure that you got it and you also need to answer it in a short amount of time cause that's what i was used to when all you had was free time and was always home? His life changed and i just need to get used to it. If he really is losing interest i can not do anything but wait or talk about it when the time is right. If he continues to show the same interest, we're good.So maybe i will let this go for a bit. See how it rolls out, work on feeling better, more secure and self confident , then maybe i will start talking to him more without being afraid of the answers.

So basically i am choosing to trust him because of the man he showed me he is before i started freaking out. Isn't that what most of you guys do when you have troubles? He is actually showing the same character, with less communication, i have to be fair.
Another question i have is, do you think about cheating this often?
and last question for 20,000... Why would a person string along someone in an LD if he/she weren't interested? (question goes for non-sociopaths and in general mature people, which i can say he is)

Thank you again so much! Everyone has been a huge help!!

edit: random "fun" fact" : Was talking to my mother the other day about a situation, i said "Well her husband is an a*****e." Her first response was "Oh, does he have another woman on the side?"....*ding ding ding* we have a winner!!

[sasad]

I know you say you trust him etc., yet you make fun fact comments about someone cheating ets. I don't think you really do. You are constantly looking for things to go bad in this relationship. Yes, you are over thinking... You say one thing one time and contradict it another.

I think you need to have your DTR talk and not "drop hints to see his reaction" You are both old enough to just have the talk.

I don't mean to sound harsh or mean, but re-read all you wrote, the comments and suggestions people made, and what you just stated again. Read what R&R said..

You BOTH need to talk straight out and not play games. Maybe you can see someone that can help you with your anxiety and cheating issues??? No, I don't think its healthy to ALWAYS be thinking about cheating. How can you move on in a healthy relationship when you are stuck with the poison??

[Cup]

Thank you for your reply!
Yes, i do say one thing and then another cause that's how this issue i have works. In all of my relationships whenever something went wrong, the first thing i thought was "he's cheating!!" The fun fact i posted was ironic, i found out that my mother has probably influenced me from a young age to think like this. She always told me that men always cheat and they only think about sex. The comment was from a conversation we had the other day.

When i am calm and not stressed out, i trust him. He has shown a good character to me and in general has given me no reason not to. If you ask me what he was doing the other day, i would say he was with another woman cause my mind translates no contact=he's cheating. It is even worse than it sounds. There are no other reasons in my head than that. It is so freaking annoying!!! Even if this one is cheating on me, i have to get over this and yes, i am booking an appointment once i post this.Thank you! and thank you for telling me that you do not always think about cheating, it's really good to know that it is paranoia to think of it so often. I honestly was raised to think it's the norm.

I don't understand what you are saying about me and R&R, but i do agree about the DTR, i just really need to find the right time for me. R&R is right on that, that the time will never be right and i am struggling on it for quite a while now, i just didn't want to have the conversation while my anxiety was sky high and i don't want to have it now that he felt pressured. I would prefer a straight talk, but i see i can't, so i thought maybe just hints so i can get warmed up and pull the band aid off quick. I don't know, people have given me lovely advice on that, i will re-read for sure. I do re read a lot actually, helps me straighten my thoughts out. Also, i am one of the "writers", i have the need to "Write it out". Last but not least, no, a healthy relationship can not blossom with this issue, you're right. Gonna go book an appointment
Will not log till i book one!

Thank you sasad!