Post visit blues

[Teacherfairy]

Hello all. I've posted my story on here before but I hope people don't mind me sharing again.

Basically me and my SO met 16 months ago whilst he was back at home (he lives abroad but is originally from the UK and is planning to move home eventually). At the time, the distance became too much and he took the decision to end things.

Since then, we've both dated other people but couldn't stop thinking about each other. This Christmas we got back in touch again and have been chatting most days ever since. Up until now I haven't pushed anything because I've just wanted to get to know him again.

I decided to go out and see him so we could explore where we're at and spend some time together. It was a visit full of emotional highs and lows and probably a bit too much talking things through rather than just enjoying the time together. I spent a lot of the week worrying about having to leave him again which I really regret now but for some reason I just couldn't control my emotions. I feel like I may have messed things up a bit because I wasn't my usual self. I became very needy and clingy which is so unlike me.

We talked a lot about where we are at. Neither of us want to mess it up this time. However I laid my cards on the table and told him that I want to make this work. He says he does too, but is reluctant to rush into things like we did last year. He says he wants to see how the next few months go and then meet again so we can explore whether we're both able to cope with the distance this time around. He says he's scared that if it doesn't work that we'll end up not speaking again and mess the future up completely. Yet I feel that if we don't give it a proper go then how will we ever know?!

He says if he was in the UK that we would 100% be together properly. But although he would move back tomorrow if he could, his career is keeping him where he is for now and he doesn't want to make any false promises in case it doesn't happen as soon as we both want it to. I met a lot of his friends and they say that he absolutely adores me and they all refer to me as his future wife.

So am feeling a few post visit blues. In hindsight, I wish I'd spent less time worrying about defining the relationship and more time just enjoying his company. Feeling a bit disappointed that he didn't want to just 'go for it', but I also understand what he's saying at the same time.

Any thoughts would be more than welcomed.

[differentcountries]

My thoughts; I would not want to do a long distance relationship with someone who was not sure if they wanted to date me, and who wanted to use time to see if you (meaning him, I guess?) can cope with the distance. In my experience, that is now how it works. If we were to "see how it goes", the answer would be that it went very badly. Because staying apart is painful. You live inside a phone, a computer, inside a letter or a plane ticket. I have seen more airport than Tom Hanks in "The Terminal". I know more travel hacks than a businiss man. All because I care about SO. I will go the extra mile because he is preacous, and because the distance is the problem, not him or our relationship.

I am sure his fear of the distance is very real to him. But if he is to stay with you, he needs to cope with that, alone and together with you. There are no easy ways, but if you stay commited it is much easier to stay creative, compared to you looking to see if the feelings are there to push you through it. LDRs make people sad! If that is going to be a huge deal for him, then maybe it is not for him. Or maybe he needs to get some new coping skills to use when he is sad, angry and scared, especially when it comes to dating you. You "are" not the distance, and him withholding promises because of the distance is not an honest way of phrazing things. This is his problem.

[Teacherfairy]

Thank you for the thoughts and extremely wise words.

I think he has seen so many others in long distance relationships fail whilst he's been an expat that he's scared of it happening to us. He says he doesn't know of a single ldr amongst his friends that has worked out.

I am worried about him in general because he doesn't seem happy. He is tired, over-worked and isn't looking after himself at the moment. I think he is ready to come home but doesn't quite know how to make the next step and is a bit scared of the change. He says he's talked to his family about it and they're encouraging him to come back sooner rather than later.

I've told him that he needs to think seriously about what he wants. But I also don't want to lose him now I've got him back in my life. I'm wondering whether to just take a step back and let him figure it out for a while. But for how long is the question!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Just wanted to share a little bit of a different POV: My SO refuses to make promises or even talk about the "what ifs" because he doesn't want to get excited and dream about the future when it may not come true. We have had many fights about this, but it's just how he is. I'm a dreamer and I want to daydream about those possibilities even if they don't work out. He would rather be realistic and not feel crushed when it doesn't happen. It's simply a different way of handling the extremely tough situation. Because of this, I disagree with differentcountries. Just because he wants to see how things go does not mean he doesn't like you that much or that he doesn't want things to work. It's possible that he's just protecting himself for the time being until he knows that you both are in it.

[differentcountries]

I don't know his line of work, but it sounds like you are not the only person worried. Perhaps he can change something where he is, too.

The reason I say he needs to step up his game is because :
1) you blame yourself for being clingy, while he is not doing enough to reassure you that he is more comitted this time
2) his friends may suck at relationships for all I know. Because long distance can be done. Look at the relationship lenghts, marriages and babies on this site. My classmate in language class is getting married in Turkey this summer, my SOs best friend has a child with his long distance gf of 6 years. Some people hate the distance (and both SO and his friend are the worst planners) but are still not unsure what they want. I would give it 6 months. He cant be on the fence forever, it makes you nervous and it is not fair.

[Ella85]

It can be done as others have said. With my SO and I it was about who would go where and figuring out how to do that. I've gone though a lot with my SO to get where we are now, but I'm moving to be with him in 3-4 months now.

[Teacherfairy]

Thank you for all the advice. I definitely know it can be done and it's so lovely to see all of the success stories on here. I think because we've tried and 'failed' before that we're both being more cautious this time (well I know I'm trying to be but I can't hide my feelings for him).

It was painful for us both last time which is why he's started to put the wheels in motion to 'think' about coming home. But at the moment it's all just talking.

There is definitely a lot there between us. I just hope that an ocean or two doesn't stop us from progressing further!