Nervous + update!

[Cup]

Hello!!

Long time , no post!
My update is that i started seeing a therapist, she agrees i have a fear of being cheated on that is reasonable with what has happened to me. I realized i can get over this fear like i did my other fears when i suffered from OCD, so i am working on it, A LOT!! I am feeling a WHOLE lot better!! I can't say i still have bad days, my SO is still acting distant, or so i see it that way. I also realized that he really truly might just be busy and stressed and i just blew it up due to my anxiety. He still initiates contact n stuff, its just that our skype dates went from daily to once or twice a week. I tend to see disaster in anything that "dares" to change even to the slightest.

Either way, and this is why i am posting, i finally decided to take most of your advice here and have "the talk"! It finally clicked! I am finally ready! I was ready a week ago, but i couldn't find a good time for both to have this conversation. It might happen today! So i am here for words of support! I am ready for the convo going both ways, either good or bad, i am determined on getting everything clear and not ending the conversation with questions nor some agreement i will not feel good with. I just don't want to come off needy, nor demanding. I wish i had this conversation on much better terms, but i can not go on with his less communication without knowing where we stand. As R&R told me, "You better make sure that you are on the same page, you do not want to be going through this for nothing." Something like that. So if i know we are on the same page, i could handle this change in communication a whole lot better, right now i treated it almost like a break and it wasn't one.

So i could use some encouragement and tips on how to not come off demanding or needy. I just want to be honest and see if he is feeling the same as me.Has anyone else had the DTR talk under these circumstances?

For those who are not familiar with my story: we met in person 7 months ago, texting/skyping daily,1 visit, he started communicating less once he got a job,we haven't Defined The Relationship yet.

Thank you !

[Cup]

And we broke up. Well, at least now i know!

[Teacherfairy]

Hi Cup!

I'm not sure how much advice I can give as I'm in pretty much the same position as you! We have not yet defined the relationship, and I've been experiencing the same emotions as you. I recently went on a visit and half way through I became highly anxious. I was scared about leaving him again and anxious about the times he seemed 'distant', when he was actually in work mode.

So I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel! In the end we did have a good long talk and got a lot of things out in the open. I think you just have to be honest (with yourself and with him). I went about it by basically laying my cards down on the table and saying 'this is how I feel, I need you to think about where you're at'. I probably pushed it a bit too far at the time by trying to over talk it which I regret now as I didn't need to keep saying the same thing! But in the end we agreed to see how the next couple of months go and meet again, and I said that in that time he needs to think about what he wants from me (we both have a lot of thinking to do). The distance is still acting as a barrier in our situation and we (he) needs to work out if he can deal with it. And I need to work out if I can control my anxiety too without ruining the time we do spend together. We rushed into a distance thing before and it didn't work for us so I think small steps is the best way for us right now so we know if we can make it work.

I guess tell him how you feel but don't ask for an instant response. Tell him you need him to think about where he's at and what he can offer you at the moment. Then take a step back and let him think?

Good luck! I really hope it works out for you!

[Teacherfairy]

And we broke up. Well, at least now i know!

Oh no I just read this. I'm so sorry to hear this. Are you okay? Well done for being brave. I'm so sorry that you didn't get the answer that you were hoping for.

[Cup]

Well it did work out well! We broke up, now I know and can continue my life. I was honest with my feelings and what I wanted. It was actually a really good conversation. He is just too focused on himself, has been through a ldr before and most important wasn't sure that his feelings were as strong.

It's ok, I prefer this to what I putting myself through. Now my big problem is how to work out my anxiety issues, when I feel that they were once more true? That's a different story for a different forum probably.

Who knows, maybe he'll regret. I'm not hoping on it, it's just something I usually say, it helps me feel better. We agreed on keeping in touch as long as we keep it clear. I told him if I start getting confused, I will let him know.

So that's all. Thanks for everyone's support!! It meant a lot!

[Teacherfairy]

Yes, you 100% deserve somebody whose feelings are as strong for you as yours are for them. It is definitely better to know and to be honest. Although I'm sure you're hurting, these conversations are never easy.

If you need anybody to talk to... 😊

[R&R]

Well it did work out well! We broke up, now I know and can continue my life. I was honest with my feelings and what I wanted. It was actually a really good conversation. He is just too focused on himself, has been through a ldr before and most important wasn't sure that his feelings were as strong.

It's ok, I prefer this to what I putting myself through. Now my big problem is how to work out my anxiety issues, when I feel that they were once more true? That's a different story for a different forum probably.

Who knows, maybe he'll regret. I'm not hoping on it, it's just something I usually say, it helps me feel better. We agreed on keeping in touch as long as we keep it clear. I told him if I start getting confused, I will let him know.

So that's all. Thanks for everyone's support!! It meant a lot!

Though it may have not turned out as you wanted, I'm very glad that you know for sure. It is so good that you were able to have a real conversation and discuss it all out in the open. You deserve happiness and to be with someone who is as vested as you are and are on the same path as you are.

[ChloChlo]

I'm in full agreement with R & R. Good for you for taking that step!

[Cup]

Thank you everyone!
I can't say I'm not sad, but I'm ok I guess. I already miss him but I've been feeling bad about this for at least a month so I don't think this will take long. I'm trying to focus on the parts where we weren't a match and forget about any 'dreams' of mine. Fortunately they were not a lot cause I didn't allow myself to dream, but still it hurts.

I too believe everyone deserves someone that is equally invested, there's no point in forcing anything. That's what I told him too. He said he had feelings but is not sure if they aren't strong enough because he is not letting them due to the distance. I said it's ok, it happens, I told him I was willing to close the distance but he didn't like that idea right now. Oh well. If he has feelings or anything, that will show down the line, but I'm not sure I would like to get involved again with someone who felt this way for almost 2 months and didn't say a word. Yes, I didn't speak up earlier too but I wasn't the one not feeling, I wasn't the one drifting away. Right?

Well I got some good stuff to learn from this 'relationship' and I will. I just need a little time to grieve first.

Thank you again for your support I really need it!

[Elizabeth123]

You did good. Be kind to yourself and take care of you.

[Cup]

Thanks!
It's a hard morning. I agree i did the right thing, I'm just so sad. I know it will all work out for the best. Besides, i really need some alone time, I've been in relationships for quite a while. I really need to stay single and sort things out. Then i get afraid that i will be forever alone. It's not that i ever had dreams of a family, but I want a SO in my life, a partner. I know I will not end up alone, it's just how i feel now.

I miss him and want to cry my eyes out all day, but i also have to work and i can't cancel. I know he isn't the best for me, but i really need to grieve him now.

I might be venting for a while in here, so i apologise in advance .
Thank you again for your support!

[ChloChlo]

No need to apologise. Some people move on best by brushing it off and bouncing forward, and some people need to get down into the muck and hash out all the emotions before the path to the future is clear again. There's no wrong way to do it, as long as you are doing what feels right to you.

You are awesome <3

[Cup]

Thank you so much!!

Yeah, i'm the type that needs to grieve. I have to go through the whole "losing someone" process. Ive been playing our conversation in my head all day. He seemed confused a bit, but i do not want to gain hope or anything. Then again i do. Well, i think a lot of you can understand, i mean it hasn't even been one day, so my thoughts are all over the place. Anyways, he kept saying that he feels the same but maybe not as strong because of the distance n stuff. But when i told him that i was willing to close the distance he didn't like that idea at all.He also talked about timing n stuff.

Anyways, as i mentioned before, sometimes it helps to think that "you never know what could happen"...Who knows? Maybe he realizes he does have strong feelings and comes back. I doubt it, but , ya never know.
He wants to keep in touch, he said he would be disappointed if i didn't , cause he values me as a person and wants me in his life. I told him that i do not usually do that, but then again, he hasn't done anything bad to me and i really do value him as a person too, specially compared to all of my exes. I don't know, i will try it this time, who knows, maybe we turn out the best of friends. Maybe we get back together, maybe we drift further away and all of this is just a nice memory.

He texted me to see how i am today. Since it's all out, i am not hiding my feelings anymore, i didn't turn into a drama queen (cause i really am not in that bad of a situation), but i didn't lie to him saying everything is ok. I managed to get through work, which was sooooo hard!! Yet, was nice cause it took my mind off things a bit. So tomorrow i got myself a day off to continue the grieving. Hopefully the cry spells will be over in a couple of days and the rest maybe in a month, i am hoping a couple of weeks though. Either way, i am not gonna rush it.

Thank you again for all of the support! Everyone is amazing!! <3

[CentralStandard]

Thank you everyone!
I can't say I'm not sad, but I'm ok I guess. I already miss him but I've been feeling bad about this for at least a month so I don't think this will take long. I'm trying to focus on the parts where we weren't a match and forget about any 'dreams' of mine. Fortunately they were not a lot cause I didn't allow myself to dream, but still it hurts.

I too believe everyone deserves someone that is equally invested, there's no point in forcing anything. That's what I told him too. He said he had feelings but is not sure if they aren't strong enough because he is not letting them due to the distance. I said it's ok, it happens, I told him I was willing to close the distance but he didn't like that idea right now. Oh well. If he has feelings or anything, that will show down the line, but I'm not sure I would like to get involved again with someone who felt this way for almost 2 months and didn't say a word. Yes, I didn't speak up earlier too but I wasn't the one not feeling, I wasn't the one drifting away. Right?

Well I got some good stuff to learn from this 'relationship' and I will. I just need a little time to grieve first.

Thank you again for your support I really need it!

The focusing on parts where you two weren't a match is a great way to get through a breakup. It sounds like you have the tools already and not only that but are utilizing them. It takes a strong and courageous person to do that.

[Cup]

Thank you CentralStandard!!!! Makes me feel a bit better about myself!

I have something i want an opinion from you guys. From what he told me, he started feeling bad about us 2 months ago. These two months i went through a really hard time with anxiety, doubting myself etc. All probably due to his behavior i picked up. I knew something was wrong but he was pretending like nothing was , at least for the first month. The second month he started disappearing. He told me the other day that he didn't want to dig deep in his feelings and wonder what he was feelings and preferred to stick to the present. He also said he did see my feelings towards him.

So, i want to ask him why. Why did he wait 2months to tell me and probably would never let me know if i didn't confront him? I want to ask him that but i am not sure if it is wise to do so. Cons and pros of asking or not?

He says he wants to remain friends, that he values me etc , he did seem to mean it. I have never been friends with someone i had sex with. Never. Usually because they were all relationships and with relationships, well you get to know the other person so well and so many things usually happen that in the end, you do not really want to be their friend. How can i be friends with him if i do not know why he didn't let me know that his feelings changed? Is all of the "i value you" stuff just to make me feel better? He did seem honest and insisted on telling me details, yet he never told me why he didn't tell me. The closest i got was "because i didn't want to ask myself what i feel" and because of the distance.Still isn't it bad to be 40+ and not be able to tell a girl that lives miles away that you probably not interested anymore? Isn't in the least you can do? I try to tell myself that i wasn't honest about my feelings either, but he told me he could see that i had strong feelings for him, so apparently there was no need to from my part.

I am feeling a whole lot better today. The grieving process will indeed not last long. I was just wondering about friendship after, lets call this a relationship. I never had one and with this one i can see a friendship in him much clearer than a relationship.

So my main question is, should i ask him why he didn't let me know his feelings changed? Why/why not?

Thanks again!