Nervous + update!

[Cup]

Well after an anger spell, that's part of the process too, I decided not to ask him why or anything. I sent him an email asking for no contact cause I can't handle texting as if nothing has changed. I felt really proud about the email. He answered almost immediately. His answer made me sad cause I probably was hoping for a movie line like 'please don't go, I made a mistake! Let's try again!!' but of course it wasn't.

He said he appreciates my email and will respect my decision and he believes we can be friends after this.

So, after I felt sad, I now feel relieved a bit. I know he will not text me and that helps me a lot! The past month I was waiting over my phone for a text, I am glad I don't have to do that anymore!

But mostly I'm sad. I still want him back. I still believe we could of had something great together, I really wanted to try. Even though I know 'if it should of happen it would of'. Still deep down inside I hope that after a couple of months or more we will be back together. I don't know, maybe that helps me through this process. But you never know right? I've read about ldr couples getting back together many times.. Oh well... Still sad.

Thanks for reading.

[CentralStandard]

Well after an anger spell, that's part of the process too, I decided not to ask him why or anything. I sent him an email asking for no contact cause I can't handle texting as if nothing has changed. I felt really proud about the email. He answered almost immediately. His answer made me sad cause I probably was hoping for a movie line like 'please don't go, I made a mistake! Let's try again!!' but of course it wasn't.

He said he appreciates my email and will respect my decision and he believes we can be friends after this.

So, after I felt sad, I now feel relieved a bit. I know he will not text me and that helps me a lot! The past month I was waiting over my phone for a text, I am glad I don't have to do that anymore!

But mostly I'm sad. I still want him back. I still believe we could of had something great together, I really wanted to try. Even though I know 'if it should of happen it would of'. Still deep down inside I hope that after a couple of months or more we will be back together. I don't know, maybe that helps me through this process. But you never know right? I've read about ldr couples getting back together many times.. Oh well... Still sad.

Thanks for reading.

I could very well be wrong, but it sounds as if he wanted to 'let you down easy' and to ease his guilt by still wanting to have you in his life. It's common post breakups. It is normal to still want a relationship to work out shortly after a breakup especially if you have invested a lot of time and energy into it, whether they have or not. You are going through the process. If it is meant to be, you two will work things out. If not, then you will indeed find better. You deserve to be happy, regardless.

[Cup]

Yeah, I also believe that he was trying to let me down easy. Although I do believe he wants to stay friends, I have a feeling that he always stays friends with relationships like this, I mean short term. I am also starting to believe my first impression of him maybe wasn't that wrong. When we first met I was sure he was a player. I was sure it just a fling until he started persisting. Who speaks daily to someone if you don't want to pursue a long distance relationship?! When your 40??! And one thing I got for sure from the break up was that he can't handle the distance. A lot of things don't match up so I can only assume he was trying to let me down easy and his only true words was that he probably didn't have the same feelings for me as I did for him.

I don't know how I feel today yet, it's too early. I think I just don't want to let go yet. We didn't know each other all that much so as hard as I try to find something negative about him I can't. I don't want to focus on the fact that he could be a player cause I tried hard to get that out of my mind in the beginning and it also triggers my fear of being cheated on. I also hate it that most of the times I have to find something to hate about the other to get over him. It's easier though when you've had years under your belt.

So I think today I will still kinda want him back. Oh well, this might take a bit longer than I was hoping for, but it's ok. I also think I have 2 break ups to grieve as I could call my ldr a rebound from my previous long term relationship.

And the worse part of all this is my age. I thought he could be the last one. I never had dreams of a family but I would like the option. Of course at this point I think I will never find someone. I know that's not true but I also know how hard it is to find someone that you like, that is a good person and one that is single. You should also want to want the same things from life. Talk about difficulty.

So I know all the stages, I know everything I am thinking is normal, I could end this fast, but I don't want to. I really want to live the pain and in some twisted way it feels refreshing. Maybe it's not that twisted, maybe we were just taught to go through these feelings fast. Well ok, not maybe, we are taught to avoid being vulnerable. (I'm still reading Brene's Brown book on vulnerability, it is really good). So this a marvelous chance for self growth and practicing vulnerability. But... I still want him back. Lol!

Thank you so much for your support CentralStandard, it's really helpful!

[Elizabeth123]

You are never too young to find that special someone!!! Love yourself and enjoy life.

[Cup]

Thank you for that Elizabeth!
I'm sad again today. My heart is finally getting to the point of letting go. It's the best option. Letting go, living my life, being the better me (cause with all this anxiety i left myself behind a bit) and if i still want him in a few months, well who knows? I might tell him so. But to get to the point where i would want to give it another shot it must be with a clear head. Right now i miss him too much to have a clear picture of our relationship. I can see it wasn't the best relationship in the world, but i also see that both of us were cautious. Both of us were holding back because of the distance.He said that it's not late to give us another try, he just doesn't think this is the moment we should. I will not take his word to it, i mean i will not pretend that among everything he said that day, this is the only truth, but he does have a point. If we can give this a try, this is definitely the wrong time to do so. He needs to build his life and so do i. If our roads meet again and the circumstances are better, who knows...Till then, i am already thinking of traveling the world!

[Teacherfairy]

You are such an inspiring and strong person cup. It takes an incredibly brave person to face up to a situation like this when you could have just carried on and ignored your gut feeling.

You ask why he didn't say anything when he realised his feelings weren't as strong as you'd hoped. I guess sometimes it's easier to ignore and not face up to the situation. He obviously did care about you otherwise it wouldn't have gone as far as it did. It's never easy to hurt somebody you care about. There are also the selfish reasons of enjoying the attentions, affections and benefits of a relationship - the 'good' parts.

Take things one day at a time. You will have days when you feel fine, and you'll have days when you're hurting and feel like you need your questions answered. This is completely natural.

As long as you remember that what's meant to be will be and everything works out for the best in the end. Whatever that may be.

[Cup]

Thank you so much TeacherFairy!!
You are absolutely right!

I do believed he cares and not cause i want to believe that, because his actions shows so. I got in his shoes and i probably would've done the same. He also could have been a bit confused and with me talking to him, he found out what he truly wanted too. I was looking at it all wrong. In general, not only this relationship. I always searched for things to "hate" about the other person and because i usually was involved in long term relationships, it was so easy to do. I tried it with him this time and i really didn't want to and honestly couldn't find anything to hate him for. I still do believe we could've had a nice relationship under different circumstances and maybe will still can or even will. I am planning to contact him again and keep in touch, but i am not ready yet.

I also discovered an issue i have with sex and the power i give it. We do live in a patriarch society, or at least i grew up in one, that makes me have thoughts like "oh he just wants to keep in contact for the sex", then i thought how stupid that sounds for someone living so far away. It's my issue and i am glad i discovered it, cause it needs work. I know i deserve better than thinking of me like that.
I also have an issue with what is considered right for everyone. I find myself being apologetic to my best friend for not hating him as much as she does for example. She hates him for not telling me sooner and although i was always like "wtf? it wasn't that bad of him not telling me", i found myself having the need to feel like that cause for some reason my friend knows better, and i caught myself apologizing to her and feeling like i am not enough. It's so weird yet refreshing of what you can discover during a break up.

So today is a good day. I miss him , but now i can see it is for the best. I really do need time for myself now too. I am building my life from the beginning and having an LDR wasn't helping at all. I honestly think that even if things were going good between us, it would still be a problem. I have to focus on me, it was my plan too before i met him. I am in relationships one after the other for quite a while now, i just switched careers (HUGE change), i am moving to another city. There are so many things going on right now that stringing a long another person is not wise for me nor for him. Maybe i didn't see it cause of all the love in the air, but now i can see it clearer.

I feel good, i miss him, but i feel good!

[Chris516]

Cup You did the right thing!!!!!

[Cup]

Thanks Chris!

I just miss him
I am doing great, yesterday was a good day, but today i woke up really missing him. Last night i was nostalgic. I had a glimpse of what my future will look like, thinking back on the days we spent together and smiling, but today it hurts. I am sure it will pass, but i still have grieving to do. I think i am at the stage where i see him as perfect. To be honest, he really does have good qualities as a person, it's really a shame it didn't work out

Oh well...Thank you for letting me turn this thread into a diary, maybe i should use the blog feature? Hm..i'll check that out later.

[Chris516]

Thanks Chris!

I just miss him
I am doing great, yesterday was a good day, but today i woke up really missing him. Last night i was nostalgic. I had a glimpse of what my future will look like, thinking back on the days we spent together and smiling, but today it hurts. I am sure it will pass, but i still have grieving to do. I think i am at the stage where i see him as perfect. To be honest, he really does have good qualities as a person, it's really a shame it didn't work out

Oh well...Thank you for letting me turn this thread into a diary, maybe i should use the blog feature? Hm..i'll check that out later.

A lot people would call me a jerk. In my marriage, and my first engagement after the marriage, neither had OCD. But my (ex)fiance that did have OCD. Was so much more fun to be with. Sure she obsessed about thinking I might have an STD. Despite a full battery STD testing at her request. The results saying I was 100% clean didn't satisfy her OCD.

I know the feeling of the period of time after a breakup.

The first six months after my (developmentally disabled ex)wife left me were constant tears. She solved that in a heartbeat when she said one year after she left. That she wished my (physical)medical problems "would just go away". That was when I started planning to divorce her.

When my first (mentally ill ex)fiance left me. I cried for a month. But, Then I reminded myself of what they have done to other men since then.

My (ex)wife was ignorant and didn't want to take responsibility for her actions, while she blamed me for everything.

My first (ex)fiance is a 'victim' of child abuse. She also has Bi-Polar Disorder, and she 'diagnosed' me with thirteen mental and physical disabilities. Just because she felt 'entitled' since she has a degree in Psychology.

My (ex)fiance that has OCD was never ever mean to me. Even when she was being obsessive. I really wanted it to work out with her.

[Cup]

Thanks for the support

I've had my share of abusive or just plain bad exes. Those were easy, a lot easier to get over. That's the problem with this one, he isn't a bad guy or at least we didn't have that much time under our belt to get to know each other so well in order to find something annoying about one another. We both held back so we wouldn't get hurt only to figure out we were postponing the inevitable break up.

I know it's way too soon, it's only been barely a week. I know i will start feeling better and bad days are going to occur from time to time, but i do not have one reason to believe he's a bad man. I have to accept that he just doesn't share the same emotions and he can not handle the distance. This is the first time in my life i have to face something like this. My ex before him was almost like a perfect match for me, but he suffered from anxiety and worse, anger issues, so even though it was like we were meant to be, it was easy to get over that relationship. The hard part there was to get over his mental abuse, not him.

It's true, i am going to be fine. It's just freakin hard. I keep thinking that we will keep in touch and if it is meant to be, it will be at some point. I am not expecting it to happen but i have to say it's the only case in my life that it is more likely to happen compared to the other times i have used this coping mechanism. With previous exes i used to think like this cause i knew it will help me feel better while dealing with the break up, yet i knew deep down inside that we would never be together again. After a couple of weeks, i didn't want anything to do with them. I think it was more of an ego thing. This one though....This one is tough.

Oh well, i am in no contact and although it passed my mind to break it, i know i am in no position to do so. Hopefully i will go on like this for at least a month, till i can get out of this fog and see things clearer and calmer.

Thank you again for your support.
I have been on and off with OCD myself, so i kinda know what your Ex went through.

[HisLittleBear]

And we broke up. Well, at least now i know!

I'm sorry to read.

[Cup]

Thank you. I've been having a hard time, i know it's only been 12 days, but it is harder than i expected. First week i cried almost non stop. I know that it will get better and it sort of is, but i still cry at least once a day. The mornings are so hard.

I realised that even though i still love him and can imagine a future together, it can not be now. I want to be single now. I need to be single now. Even if by any near 0 chance he wants to get back together, i would probably tell him to give it time.

Right now i need to focus on myself. I want to keep in touch cause i do value him, yet i don't know if that will ever happen. Every time i feel the need to contact him, i know it is because i still want him back deep down inside, so i don't have a clear mind to see if i really want his friendship in the long haul. What i would love to do is be able to keep in touch, like be able to send a text or email every couple of months just to see if anything ever changes, cause you never know. Although it is clearer to me he just lost interest due to distance, the day of the break up i told him stuff i never did before, like i was willing to close the distance and i too had no intention of keeping this long distance as i didn't like it at all. I doubt that would change his mind now, but later down the road if his feelings were fading due to only distance, maybe he will rethink. Either way i am not begging or anything, i do not want a relationship with someone who maybe half in it. No one deserves that.

[HisLittleBear]

Either way i am not begging or anything, i do not want a relationship with someone who maybe half in it. No one deserves that.

Never ever diminish your self worth by begging a man to stay. I did. Three times with the last guy I was on here with. It makes me feel ashamed to even think about it now.

We all deserve much better.

I think this sums it up perfect.

[Cup]

Thanks for the support HisLittleBear! I also have begged a man to come back, i was younger, in a bad place and when i look back i think i just couldn't handle the pain of rejection. Right now i am NC with him, he is respecting my choice although he wants us to stay friends. I am having a hard time lately although i was doing well. I really need to start going out.
I wish this will end soon but at the same time, i don't want to let go. I really need to stop doing that! If it's meant to be, it will! Need to print the pic you posted and put it on a wall !

Thanks again!

PS why doesn't this place have a spot for break ups? To keep the atmosphere high? I understand, yet i do think it would be helpful!