I want to give it a try but my head tells me to leave...

[HLLe]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all ok and your relationships are going strong!
I'm having a tough time at the moment, so thought I'd seek some advice.

I live in London and me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. He has recently received a job offer and France and it's a great opportunity!

Now, I have had long distance relationships before and I truly believe they can work if both are on the same page and put in equal effort. And it's easy enough to get to France to visit.

However, even though we talked about it and he said we can give it a try (he never had a long distance relationship before), I have a feeling that his feelings for me are not as strong as mine for him yet. And I'm worried that he won't put in the effort. He's a laid back guy who thinks that life will turn out th way it should be, which is great and which I believe in too. But I know I can get quite insecure when it comes to relationships. I've had very unhealthy ones before and I'm so scared of getting hurt.

He just doesn't seem to mind much while I'm here crying at night and wondering.

Part of me wants to give it a try as I do love him and be positive and live my life to the fullest here, but my mind tells me that he will hurt me and I should leave now...
I don't know what to do. How can I maintain the relationship but become emotionally less dependent? I only recently moved to London, so I don't have very close friends or family here...
Or maybe he just doesn't love me and there's no point to try?

I just get so sad and I don't want to feel this way...
Sorry if it all sounds confusing, but I can't sleep.

[sasad]

What a difficult thing to decide, especially since you know who you are and how you are in a long distance relationship.

It does sound tough as you are in a new place and don't have any type of support system in place.

You mention that you don't know if he loves you ?? Have you all had a really heart to heart talk yet about where you are and what's in the future? If you don't have any plans or any conversations about where you are headed, then yes, you could very well be setting up for failure. Also, why do you think he is going to hurt you? Again, you are saying you should leave him now before he does.

My SO is a very laid back guy, and I am the spaz in our relationship. We balance each other out, so please don't think that opposite types cant work. We can and we do

It sounds like you guys really really need to talk and see what it is you both want. Try to get on the same page and see where you both see yourselves down he road. You will never know unless you ask !!

Hope that helps you a wee bit.

[Redheart14]

I agree, have a heart to heart and see how it pans out.
It might make things easier if you look to meet new people so you don't become soley independant on your SO. Have you tried meeting people with common interests? Maybe try reach out to co workers. There are members here from the UK maybe chatting to them might help as well.

[Chris516]

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all ok and your relationships are going strong!
I'm having a tough time at the moment, so thought I'd seek some advice.

I live in London and me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. He has recently received a job offer and France and it's a great opportunity!

Now, I have had long distance relationships before and I truly believe they can work if both are on the same page and put in equal effort. And it's easy enough to get to France to visit.

However, even though we talked about it and he said we can give it a try (he never had a long distance relationship before), I have a feeling that his feelings for me are not as strong as mine for him yet. And I'm worried that he won't put in the effort. He's a laid back guy who thinks that life will turn out th way it should be, which is great and which I believe in too. But I know I can get quite insecure when it comes to relationships. I've had very unhealthy ones before and I'm so scared of getting hurt.

He just doesn't seem to mind much while I'm here crying at night and wondering.

Part of me wants to give it a try as I do love him and be positive and live my life to the fullest here, but my mind tells me that he will hurt me and I should leave now...
I don't know what to do. How can I maintain the relationship but become emotionally less dependent? I only recently moved to London, so I don't have very close friends or family here...
Or maybe he just doesn't love me and there's no point to try?

I just get so sad and I don't want to feel this way...
Sorry if it all sounds confusing, but I can't sleep.

I have just one question. Can you take the Channel Tunnel across the English Channel to go see him. When(and if) he takes the job?

[differentcountries]

It sounds like the both of you need to get a bit more practical. Yes, life may turn out wonderful but often because we do things to make that likely. Don't just assume that visits will be easy. Set aside money. Reserach how to get tickets. Talk about how often you will have visits, and who will visit, and who will pay for visits. How will you stay in touch during his stay? Are you familiar with Skype, phone apps, are you into writing letters in snail mail or sending packages? It is WONDERFUL to be laid back in real life, but when it comes to planning, my laidback SO annoys the hell out of me! I keep telling him; visas and plane tickets can't "see what happens" They become expensive or impossible to get, those are just facts and not something I make up because I am anal about planning lol

Yes, it is ok to worry and be sad, but being sad prior to events doesn't neccesarily mean youdont care about them happening. I know from my own life that I have a "late response" to many things - for instance, I was not upset at all when I found out I lost my job, I just worked happily alongside my boss, and even during my work course afterwords I was not upset, but when the first rejection for a job I wanted came, I was crushed and cried for two days. Likewise, I was not sad about leaving SO the first time (he was miserable the whole last day), but when I got past custums and could no longer see him, I felt as though a train ran over me.

The past is the past. What has this guy done to make you think he is not comitted to you? Have you had talks about the future? Before he leaves would be a good time. As a general rule, discussing the future the same or twice the ammount you have been dating is appropriate (having dated 8 months, the next 8-16 months should be ok to discuss).

[HLLe]

Thank you for all your advice!
Yes, I think we need to talk more about it... I still have to many questions and I guess I was scared of what his responses might be.

I think also that there's a defense mechanism from past experiences on my side. I guess because he's so laid back, I sometimes get the "meh, so I didn't work out. No big deal" vibe, which makes me feel insecure.

Logistics wise, visiting would be quite easy and not really too expensive, so that's not the issue. But I guess I need to find out whether we're on the same page in terms of commitment. :/

[crazycarrie06]

I have just one question. Can you take the Channel Tunnel across the English Channel to go see him. When(and if) he takes the job?

I didn't like that train at all - my ears kept popping the whole time and after about 10 minutes of "OH COOL WE'RE UNDERWATER" you realize that means you're effectively underground the whole time lol wore off quite fast - like the 1st time flying over the ocean - OH WOW ITS SO COOL *15 min later* omg - its STILL ocean?! UGH!

[Miasmata]

Definitely make sure you're on the same page. Having an honest conversation where you might not like all the answers is scary, for sure, but it's so much better to find out now rather than later in much more unpleasant ways. Talk things out! There are a lot of things people can make work together, but commitment is a must. Don't mistake a chill attitude for a lack of commitment, though - Ask what's on your mind directly instead of making assumptions. Wishing you all the best!