Money is breaking us. Advice please.

[ronjaandbirk]

Hello,

I will try and make this as short as possible. I know everybody here has dealt with the financial part of being ldr, so i just hope anyone has a piece of advice. Maybe I just need to vent, i don't know. Here's the story:

Im a student in my final year. I have a very low income and can't really work besides my studying, as working employed in my profession is part of my course. Legally i run as a "mandatory intern" which insures i will get a job to gain the needed experience but also means horrible pay. I live on my own in a stupidly cheap apartment by sheer luck but i also sometimes have to support my elderly mother, and i am half orphaned, so there is noone i could even remotely ask for financial support. To pay all my bills i have a (reasonable and actually pretty low) student lan at the sude, but effectively that means i go minus each month.

My boyfriend has been unable to work due to a severe depression and moved back in with his parents. He does work again in a part time job, but as soon as he started earning his parents demanded he pays his part so theres not much left on that side either. I confess that makes me bitter because i know my mother would help us in a heartbeat if she only could. Of course we dont habe that right tho, and just have to accept this.

However, as a result of all this we can't see each other. I am in general completely fine with being long distance because i like being independent (he feels the same), but he is bad at making the time to skype. My love language is quality time, so with not being able to keep up our meeting every 2-3 months schedule and only half decent communication i feel like this relationship does nothing good for me anymore. Its just an additional financial worry on top of other financial worries, and i get nothing positive out of it.

The reason i can't just end it is that we are so good together. He brings the best person i can be out of me and I think i do the same for him. I know he loves me alot. We have tried to solve the communication problems. I know he is trying hard, but hes just really not good at making the time i sometimes need to feel close and connected.

I feel like it would be okay if i saw an end in sight to this situation. But i am not willing to move to his country (even though i lve it there) because my career opportunities are a million degrees better here. I love what i do, and i have worked really hard the last 5 years to become good at it. He hasnt even decided on any real career path yet, and i dont think he can be pushed to it as he is only coming out of severe mental health problems. It just seems unreasonable for me to move up under these curcumstances. My family has offered him help, a place to stay and starting aid in my country but he has hardly considered it. Again i dont want to push for it because of the afore mentioned problems he had.


I dont really know what i'm asking for. I know asking to see him every 2-3 months as a minimum must seem like a joke for most of you who go years or way longer without. I just dont feel like im cut out for this. I feel so incredible lonely in this. I have noone to ask for help, and alot of other things on my plate. I just want to end it for the sake of peace of mind, but i love him too mch so id be more miserable if i would.

I think i've just run out of fighting spirit. Please help

[Chris516]

Hello,

I will try and make this as short as possible. I know everybody here has dealt with the financial part of being ldr, so i just hope anyone has a piece of advice. Maybe I just need to vent, i don't know. Here's the story:

Im a student in my final year. I have a very low income and can't really work besides my studying, as working employed in my profession is part of my course. Legally i run as a "mandatory intern" which insures i will get a job to gain the needed experience but also means horrible pay. I live on my own in a stupidly cheap apartment by sheer luck but i also sometimes have to support my elderly mother, and i am half orphaned, so there is noone i could even remotely ask for financial support. To pay all my bills i have a (reasonable and actually pretty low) student lan at the sude, but effectively that means i go minus each month.

My boyfriend has been unable to work due to a severe depression and moved back in with his parents. He does work again in a part time job, but as soon as he started earning his parents demanded he pays his part so theres not much left on that side either. I confess that makes me bitter because i know my mother would help us in a heartbeat if she only could. Of course we dont habe that right tho, and just have to accept this.

However, as a result of all this we can't see each other. I am in general completely fine with being long distance because i like being independent (he feels the same), but he is bad at making the time to skype. My love language is quality time, so with not being able to keep up our meeting every 2-3 months schedule and only half decent communication i feel like this relationship does nothing good for me anymore. Its just an additional financial worry on top of other financial worries, and i get nothing positive out of it.

The reason i can't just end it is that we are so good together. He brings the best person i can be out of me and I think i do the same for him. I know he loves me alot. We have tried to solve the communication problems. I know he is trying hard, but hes just really not good at making the time i sometimes need to feel close and connected.

I feel like it would be okay if i saw an end in sight to this situation. But i am not willing to move to his country (even though i lve it there) because my career opportunities are a million degrees better here. I love what i do, and i have worked really hard the last 5 years to become good at it. He hasnt even decided on any real career path yet, and i dont think he can be pushed to it as he is only coming out of severe mental health problems. It just seems unreasonable for me to move up under these curcumstances. My family has offered him help, a place to stay and starting aid in my country but he has hardly considered it. Again i dont want to push for it because of the afore mentioned problems he had.


I dont really know what i'm asking for. I know asking to see him every 2-3 months as a minimum must seem like a joke for most of you who go years or way longer without. I just dont feel like im cut out for this. I feel so incredible lonely in this. I have noone to ask for help, and alot of other things on my plate. I just want to end it for the sake of peace of mind, but i love him too mch so id be more miserable if i would.

I think i've just run out of fighting spirit. Please help

Money is always a tough nut to crack.

[Elizabeth123]

We all go through tough times in our LDR's. You decide what path your relationship will take with your SO. Definitely do maintain your job/career path. Each person has to work at maintaining the relationship...if he can't do that right now due to health issues maybe you both need to rethink your goals. Is there a compromise that would satisfy both of you?

[Hollandia]

I know it doesn't help too much to hear, but the fact is money keeps almost all LDRs apart. If your have enough money immigration laws fade away into all sorts of prettily worded exemptions, airfare and places to stay are gotten in a blink of an eye. You can bring your pets, your kids, your sick parents and even your nannies. Money fixes almost any problem. It's a nasty cold fact about LDRs you have to find some money somehow to see your SO.

Okay, this just sucks so it's alright cry, vent, scream and wallow over it for awhile, that's what we are here for. Then you have to kick yourself in the bumm, push yourself up and make a game plan to do the next to impossible. Find out about how much it is you need to save up so you have a number in your head and goal set. I don't what part of Germany you are in and where in Scandanavia he is but let's say 200 hundred dollars for airfare. Let's assume he could stay with you? Or perhaps you could both sign up for couchsurfers and stay someone free or look into a few days at Airbnb. Pick a really crappy time of year when prices are cheap and you can usually find something there for like 40 bucks a night. Pretend your goal is now 300 dollars. Next you start thinking of a way to make that 300 dollars and a time frame for when you could both do it. It can be for just two days, so aim for a weekend if prices allow to not affect school too much. Is there something you could make and sell? Have you looked into doing online surveys for extra cash? Do you have a bunch of old stuff in your house you can try to auction at ebay? Can you offer to walk dogs or babysit when you are not working? Can you offer to type up CVs for a small fee for your schoolmates? Can you tutor anyone onine? You are bilingual so do you know any english speaking friends you could offer to teach German too for a small fee? Are you inventive ? Create something like world's best new potato salad recipe and put it on Kickstarter. Are you a shutterbug? Put your pictures up for sale. Are you really pretty and you can join contests with prizes? Are you an amazing cook so you could sell something you cook really well or offer small cooking classes?

Find a skill, or a trait you have and use it. If you don't think you have one, then make one. Search the internet for legal ways to make money at home. Wash cars in your bikini or dogs, get creative, tell yourself all you need is the "X" amount of money and hopefully in "Y" amount of time you can reach that goal.

I thought it was hopeless for me and my husband to ever close the distance when my business folded but we got creative, we pushed, we suffered and we came out in the end, in each others arms. Don't give up the fight, you fight for what you love. Best of luck to you and if you want an ear to vent to or a should to cry on, we are always here.

[ronjaandbirk]

Thank you...


... I think this is part of the problem i have. We can't rethink our "goals", because we never really had a "goal". There was no timeline, no nothing. We've done quite okay, i genuinely think we're actually quit good equipped to be in an ldr.

We're both freedom loving, almost noncommitted people. Not wanting to be around each other all the time might sound bad in a relationship but i think if both people need alot of personal space it's actual ideal. We are absolute best friends, we love each other to death, and we're really into each other physically. We're both loners... Me even more than him. We are a great match because we "get" each other.

It's just been recently that i hardly feel in a relationship anymore because we can't afford to get our time together in. I think i personally would be better if we would actually manage quality skype time. But we tried that so much but it never works out the way it should. He knows its important to me, but he can rarely commit to it.

I know hes trying, its just never enough and i dont know how to make it work. I used to think have a fixed schedule would solve it, the problem with that is that both our jobs demand super flexible times so we can never plan ahead. And he doesnt succeed in making the time (like actual time, mire than a few minutes here and there) spontaneously.

I actually can't really tell what he thinks. We spend so little time together lately we hardly talk about serious things. Or ys. It seems so wrong to come up with it when we're just talkung in a squeezed in lunchbreak. I feel like he doesnt really get how luttle i can afford anything right now and thinks it will solve itself. Or maybe hes just better at sticking it out. Idk.

Maybe i should add that money is always a difficult topic between us. I'm from a struggeling artist family, his parents live priviliged. He doesnt truly understand having to worry about something existential as foodbills. He gets the concept of "no money for a flight", but not the constant worry. So i feel let down too, because he seems so unworried when i'm going through teally tough times.

[ronjaandbirk]

@hollandia: thank you for your reply. Of course i know its like that for everybody... i apologize if i come across otherwise. Thats why i'm asking because i wonder how others deal with these issues.

Believe me, I have tried all of that. But i am wirking full time on a hardly existent pay. I can't switch to a better paying job because the job i have is a mandatory part in my study course, i cant graduate without doing it, and i wouldnt find a position meeting the criteria for that with better pay (i have tried. These mandatory internships are a bit of a law problem for everyone who has to do them in germany, esp in my field where pay is always sort of lower end.)

As for the rest i'm trying. i'm trying really hard, i spend every minute on working my way out of it. I help out with little jobs on the weekends, i try selling the things i make, i actually did write paied translations. It isnt enough. I just cover my bills, but i still go into my loans and make minus. I need glasses and a new computer - both things i cant postpone because one is my health the other one my profession.

I'm not bad at budgeting. I checked out ever bill and got the cheapest offer there is. I'm not bad with money, im just not in a position, where i realistically can make enough to pay for anything more than the existential minimum.

I know this is temporary. I'm graduating in 8 months, i can start working better paying jobs even before that. I know its about sticking it out. I just seem too dumb to actually do that. I don't really have a support system either, im ldr with most if my friends too... Nor do i have the time to see them between making ends meet.

I don't know if i'm really just burned out. I had alot of stress the whole last 12 months. Everything from health problems (hormonal imbalance which also fucks with your psyche) to just alot of work, to a sick mother, to financial worries, depressed boyfriend...

I am sorry I'm venting again.

[Hollandia]

That is a big problem if his parents have money and he can't relate to not being able to afford food on the table. I have been on both sides of that fence so I can really relate to that. I also still have some friends and family whose money issues are what size car to buy next, or how big to make their deck. Try to talk to them about choosing between putting oil in the tank and not freezing all winter and eating and not starving and they just kinda tune you out, because it's so uncomfortable for them to hear about.

Does he get Christmas gifts and Birthday gifts from his parents? Can he tell them he just wants cash in a travel fund instead? It takes two to tango in an LDR and he really needs to pull his side. Is he getting help for his depression? That sounds like that would be the first goal, see if he can get some help for his depression and then he can get back on his feet financially and help you figure out a way the two of you can see each other more. This also might help him to prioritize making time for you on Skype. Everybody in relationships, not even just LDRs, have goals. Your goal could just be talking to each other for 5 minutes a day 3 days a week. Find a way to talk about what each of you want, need, and expect in your goals in your time management and communication. Work to a compromise over this. Hanging out together should be fun too, so sometimes maybe you could just plan a half an hour of playing an online game together or watching a movie together. Being in love is all about being with the person that makes you happy so if your okay with not physically seeing each other and just want more online time then talk to him and see what would work better into both of your schedules, it's just another goal to work toward. Most of all, enjoy each other when you are together.

[ronjaandbirk]

Thank you again! You have no idea what it means to me that someone can actually relate to that sort of petty money thing lol. Thanks <3

He is already getting help. He's improved SO MUCH over the last year from when he was at his worst. I'm incredibly proud of him. Things aren't perfect yet, but he is getting there. He also is working but he had extremely bad luck with a boss that went broke and is still fighting to see some of that money. Just another thing on the list of things we try to deal with.. Sigh.

As for his parents... They are unfortunately very unsupportive financially to us. He does get gufts but they are agains "giving money" and have been ignoring requests like that. They aren't horrible people. Just a bit ignorant and in generally not that interested in their kids life. There's nothing we can do about them. I often get bitter about it, but apart from that i actually like his family.

You have given me good tips tho, i will try to bring up a communication plan like that. Thanks a ton for the advice and for reading my sermons <3

[Hollandia]

Thank you again! You have no idea what it means to me that someone can actually relate to that sort of petty money thing lol. Thanks <3

He is already getting help. He's improved SO MUCH over the last year from when he was at his worst. I'm incredibly proud of him. Things aren't perfect yet, but he is getting there. He also is working but he had extremely bad luck with a boss that went broke and is still fighting to see some of that money. Just another thing on the list of things we try to deal with.. Sigh.

As for his parents... They are unfortunately very unsupportive financially to us. He does get gufts but they are agains "giving money" and have been ignoring requests like that. They aren't horrible people. Just a bit ignorant and in generally not that interested in their kids life. There's nothing we can do about them. I often get bitter about it, but apart from that i actually like his family.

You have given me good tips tho, i will try to bring up a communication plan like that. Thanks a ton for the advice and for reading my sermons <3

Perhaps he can tell them things he wants as gifts that can be sold easily. Like MP3 players, smartwatch, gaming consoles and technical gadgets. You can also sell tools pretty easily or photography equipment. Basically gifts that are tangible in your hand and trendy or useful can all be auctioned off on Ebay.

Your welcome I hope it works out well soon. You can make anything happen if you put your mind to it, and nothing if you give up. Just keep telling yourself that and push on.

[Ella85]

My SO and I have been lucky to keep the time apart to 4-5 months each trip. it's hard I can sympathize.. the longest was 5 month's. can you talk on the phone ? we don't Skype at the moment as my laptop is broken and so I SO's but we talk on 18th phone for at least an hour but usually a bit longer .