Conflicted, advice appreciated.

[chrelnka]

I am 22. I have never been in a relationship before this. I met my SO in September of 2015 and we talked almost every day as friends. I wasn't attracted to him physically at first, but I fell for his personality. Which in turn showed on his face (you know that Roald Dahl quote, about the sunbeams shining from your face??) he became more attractive to me because I knew him as a person and it showed on his face. He has an amazing smile. We became really close and when I came to the realization I felt something for him, in January I told him I had feelings for him, because I adored him and hated the thought of losing him. He reciprocated those feelings right back and on Valentines day told me he loved me. He's the sweetest guy and personality and moral wise, everything I've ever wanted and I love him too. He is in love with me and thinks I'm the one. But because I've never had a relationship before, let alone long distance, I constantly feel myself holding back.

I love him, but I don't think I'm IN love with him. I don't know how I would be able to feel like that until I see him, then I think I would know for sure. I've been feeling really weird about it on and off recently. I've kind of lost that overwhelming feeling of love in a way, I can't really word it right. He tells me he loves me all the time, multiple times a day, that I am everything to him, it's really sweet.. but I think perhaps this has scared me a little recently? I've always reciprocated it back, even though at times I feel weird about it. He really is so respectful and takes my word as gospel. At the moment I have times where I feel I love him as a friend like I did months ago, but reality hits and I think about him properly and think how stupid I'm being, especially when I see him and skype him.

He plans to come over in a couple months to see me for the first time. Which I was really excited for now I'm slightly getting cold feet. I think a lot of this may have to do with the fact that ive been suffering badly with headaches and feel very stressed out with schoolwork and out of touch with reality at the moment. I don't know, I just feel so bad about feeling this way when I have always returned what he says to me. I'm so conflicted. Anyone else ever had this? I feel that as soon as I meet him things will be different. I dont know, I just have no relationship experience whatsoever. Two weeks ago I was heartbroken and crying at the thought of having to lose him because of how far apart we are. It's most definitely me. Writing all this out now, I see that it's how much stress I am under and how I need to stop stressing so much. I've been so crazy excited to see him and hug him and just be held by him, to be in his company. I've just not been myself recently. I think I'll get over it.

Sorry for the rant. I think I needed it.

[sasad]

Most of us go through the "honeymoon" phase. Where everything is perfect and beautiful and unicorns spew sparkles... Then everyday life happens. We realize everything isn't perfect. That stuff happens that we don't expect. This is normal. This could be part of what you are going through.

I did like that you said you loved him, but not sure you are in love. That is pretty perceptive from someone of your age and no real relationship history. Yes, part of it may be because you have not physically met yet. You may be holding back and protecting yourself, and that too is ok.
First visits....omg, what can be much more stressful that that... You are also in school and have a lot of stuff going on. It is also normal to have some type of doubt, cold feet and even arguments before visits.

For what it's worth, most everything you ranted about is normal. .
Try to relax, and let what happens happen!

[Katy_G]

Have faith in yourself. It's okay to not be sure of things at this point.

Enjoy his company, get to know him...and then decide what your next course of action is. Be honest with each other about any expectations or lack thereof.

Wish you all the best!

[Chris516]

OP, Think of the phrase 'If looks could kill'. How that would apply to your situation. Is that you said you love him. But you are not in love with him, until you see him.

Well, That is relying too much on the physical. Think only of, what is in his head, and in his heart. Not his physical features.

[chrelnka]

I really appreciate your replies, thank you so much! It really helps ease my mind and it's kind of you to take your time out to lend an ear

OP, Think of the phrase 'If looks could kill'. How that would apply to your situation. Is that you said you love him. But you are not in love with him, until you see him.

Well, That is relying too much on the physical. Think only of, what is in his head, and in his heart. Not his physical features.

Oh no, that's not it. I fell for his personality, and as a result he became both more physically and mentally attractive to me. It's just that, I don't know what it's like to physically be with a guy in his presence where all his attention is going to be on me, even down to a simple thing like being hugged by a man who *isnt* a family member; a guy that I love. I was homeschooled and it was my choice to always remain at home away from people. So being this my first relationship, I don't know, nor can I really imagine in a sense, what it's like to physically be with a guy that loves me. It's hard to process as strange as that may seem.

[sasad]

OP.... Don't worry. There have been cases when people met, and they just didn't mesh... And that is a realistic fear.

[sasad]

OP, Think of the phrase 'If looks could kill'. How that would apply to your situation. Is that you said you love him. But you are not in love with him, until you see him.

Well, That is relying too much on the physical. Think only of, what is in his head, and in his heart. Not his physical features.

That phrase means someone is angry and about to whoop azz... She is definitely NOT. So that phrase is moot and meaningless in this situation...