So at what point do you bring up the "end goal" of closing the distance?

[Jelly11]

I'm in a new LDR. This is all very new to me. I met him about two months ago on a one off date whilst I was in a foreign country (1500 miles away) and I think we liked each other way more than we'd planned and we kept in touch and agreed I'd go back and visit, which I did last week where I stayed with him for five nights and it was amazing. We had a tough talk about us on the last night and agreed that although it is going to be hard we will try it and see what happens. He kept mentioning his main worry was sustainability though...long term. And I agree. It has only been a week home from seeing him and it is hard already, but even harder with this shadow in the background of "is there any point seeing as we have no way out?"

However, last week I was doing some applications for something I'm wanting to do. There's no need to go into details but something clicked and I thought of a way that we could close the distance in January and it's also logical and rationale, as well as requiring no sacrifice from any of us. Basically, I can remove him from the equation and it is still appealing.

I haven't mentioned this to him because I didn't want to scare him. One side of me thinks I shouldn't mention it yet in case he gets a bit overwhelmed, the other side thinks that if we know we have a goal then the gap will be so much easier. I am unsure. Everything I read about LDRs says that in order to be successful they really need an end goal as to when you'll close the distance, but I am constantly left wondering "but when do you talk about this?". In a local relationship you'd never talk about your future after knowing someone two months, but is it different with this? I don't know whether to keep this plan to myself for now or mention it to him and see how he reacts.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Elizabeth123]

Welcome to LFAD!
This is a brand new relationship it seems to me. You need to spend much more time getting to know this person before closing the distance. Only two dates in...I think you need to step back and think...Why the rush?
Have you two talked about being exclusive?
Have you met friends or family yet?

My advice would be slow down and develop a relationship...then see where it takes you...rushing can lead to being very hurt.
All the best to you in your new relationship.

[R&R]

However, last week I was doing some applications for something I'm wanting to do. There's no need to go into details but something clicked and I thought of a way that we could close the distance in January and it's also logical and rationale, as well as requiring no sacrifice from any of us. Basically, I can remove him from the equation and it is still appealing.

I think this is the key for you. If you are lucky enough to move someplace that is close to your SO but that you would be happy living there even if things didn't work out, then why not? It will give you the opportunity to date close distance, it will give you work experience and life experience, and you can do it while you are young and aren't tied down to anything.

I also think that may be a good approach when you talk to him. You can tell him an opportunity has come up that, if you get it and take it, would allow you to be closer to him. Make sure he is aware he is not the only reason you are pursuing this but that is definitely a positive. You will have your own place, etc, so he doesn't need to feel pressured that you want to move in with him and it will relieve the issue of the distance.

[C.C.]

I'm with R&R as well.
If it meant taking a relationship to a new level and living together or something like that, then of course it'd be just rushing and unhealthy.
However, if it just means changing ldr relationship to cdr one and you won't be tied to him. Why not?
In the best case scenario it might help you two develop as a couple and without an additional stress of ldr. In the worst one, you might not work out but you will still get an amazing experience from living there, especially if it's appealing to you even if it weren't for him.

[Miasmata]

If you wanna move there regardless of the relationship, I'd say go for it! Just allow yourself to develop the relationship and learn more about each other before adding the relationship to the "do I move or not" equation - Basically, don't stress your partner out or put him in the basket prematurely. Make clear that you would like to move no matter what, and that you're not trying to go too fast on your relationship. All the best!

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Pretty smart people ^^^^ I won't comment on your actual situation because I think they have it pretty well handled with their comments. I will comment on the general "when do you talk about this" question though! The way I look at it is that when two people are LD, one or both of you have to move in the end to become CD. If neither of you are willing to move, then that's an important conversation to have early on because your "what's the point" comment is exactly right. However, if you two figure out that one or both or you are willing to make that move, then I would almost say to wait until you would with a CD relationship. That "where is this going" conversation that everyone hates will be exactly the same LD as CD. If you two see a future together and want to pursue that future, then I would say that it's only normal to start brainstorming how you would close the distance. Let me be very clear though: that is not to say that you need to start putting pressure on the relationship to close the distance at that point. It strictly is a "when would be a good time for us and how" conversation.

[Jelly11]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the responses. I haven't had anyone to talk to and I'm going out of my mind googling the hell out of LDRs!

I took most of your advice and mentioned it to him, putting an emphasis on how it is appealing to me regardless because I didn't wanna freak him out but I still did hahahah. He said even though I kept telling him it is something I wanna do, I contradicted myself by mentioning it in the first place because he doesn't want to be involved in my thought process about it whatsoever at this stage. He said it should be totally my decision, and he didn't want to comment on anything to do with our relationship. So it was kind of useless in making any positivity which was kind of my goal.

The long distance thing is so difficult! I want it to work so badly because he's amazing but I feel that it is making me overthink and become paranoid which may very well push him away :-/

Time will tell I suppose.

[differentcountries]

Well, moving to his place, even if it makes sense for your career, is a bit early. 2 months in, SO and I had barely been able to plan our first visit! I met his mum after 6 months, that felt early... I am a planner, so I have naturally a million plans in my head. I have learned in time to do planning, but make several plans/options, and to not discuss them with SO as they unfold in my head, just when they start to emerge as real posssabilities, and to leave sufficient air for him to breathe and connect the dots.

2 months in, I'd say that planning the next 2-4 months is ok, and not involve him too much in your plans for the future yet. After 4 months, planning the next 4-8 months should be ok. We have dated almost 3 years, which is why we are planning a few years at a time now (our plan is for him to have a longer visit in the fall, then a seasonal work permit in spring, then a regular temporary work permit in the next fall or next spring etc)

BTW, we dont have a specific end goal as to when we should close the distance. That is often very hard to do in an international relationship, so what we do have are tenative goals, or rather steps we want to take. Right now we are in the process of seeing each other less so that we might save up money for him to come here on a longer visit (he has only been here once, for 1 month), learn the language and meet more of my network as well as his (he has his own small network here).

[sasad]

Go for what it is that is best for you. If it's an opportunity for growth and advancement in your career, then why the hell not. If you go, find a place and do everything best for you... I.e., don't ask him where to move or intentionally move to his neighborhood etc.

As far as timing, it really depends on the couple and where they are emotionally etc. My SO knew about 3 months after he moved that it was a mistake (in his eyes). We talked about where we wanted to be then. Working on being totally CD by the end of the year.

That being said, go with what you need first at this point and time. Like R&R said, do what is good for you while you can! Let your relationship develop and grow on its own as time goes. Best of luck to you both.