He thinks talking every day is excessive?

[Jelly11]

My LDR of two months randomly told me that he thinks us talking everyday is excessive. This was when we were last together in person. I was a bit taken aback because he often initiates the convos and he's never seemed off.

So I asked for more details. He said he wasn't meaning it one sided and that he was distracting himself from his work by constantly hoping I'd texted so checking his phone etc. I asked him if he meant text or verbal and he said he hadn't really thought about that.

It's created a problem in that I am now hesitant to initiate the conversation in case he doesn't want to talk. I'm not very good with rejection so I'd much rather just wait for him to talk to me but I feel that isn't the healthiest outlook. I end up just constantly checking my phone. I also can't help but feel slightly offended even though he is entitled to his own opinion about it.

Would you feel offended if your long distance partner said that?

We are still early days so haven't found the balance of communication yet.

[C.C.]

No. No. No. There's no way you should take an offence.
First of all, everyone has different communication patterns. Some feel like talking often while others rarely and it doesn't mean that they don't enjoy the communication or anything. However, in this case it's more about real life and its responsibilities. We all need to take care of it and we all need "me time". However we can easily let the relationship distract us, there's just.. so many feelings and such desire to spend days only thinking about and concentrating on your love.
He sounds like he feels that way and he even took care of letting you know that it wasn't your fault. Neither it's his. It just means you two are letting the love consume your life and you need to manage it. You need to take care of your lives as well or there won't be any healthy relationship anymore. Well maybe you deal with it better than him but either way, instead of worrying, taking offence or whatever, help him. Have a discussion about it, reach a compromise. Maybe he could let you know when he has something to do so that you wouldn't expect response or anything. Or he could let you know when he has busy days during which he just needs as much time as possible. And even then you could just write him once in a while, just checking up on him and avoiding lengthy conversations. Or you could set a limited time call or something at the end of the days like those when you'd just talk about your day and relax.
It's up to you what you come up with, but you need more than just realising "it shouldn't be so" (which you have yet to realise, I guess) And there's really nothing offensive about that, on the other hand, he's being honest. Also, you didn't notice there was anything off, because there probably wasn't. I am sure he enjoyed every bit of those conversations, and even too much, because he prioritised them over his every day life. And now because of consequences or whatever he just realised it.
There's really nothing wrong with it. Communicate about it and take care :3

[ChloChlo]

I can understand having some wounded feelings over being told that talking every day is "too much". It's easy to interpret that as "having to deal with you every day is too much". It can sting. I've been in a similar situation, and I also became very shy about "bothering" that person, and eventually ALL people. I took one person's specific boundaries and thought they applied to everyone and everything. Just remember that it's probably got nothing to do with what you are saying or doing. If he is feeling overwhelmed or unable to balance his focus between work and his relationship, it's his job to speak up and say "hey, this isn't working for me, can we try something different?". You can't just guess - he's got to tell you. Essentially, this is what he's doing, in his own way. So it's good! Information is good.

If talking every day is something you need in a relationship (which is a totally ok thing) and your SO is having trouble balancing his work-life focus, I think there is nothing wrong with having a discussion about your conflicting relationship requirements and trying to figure out a way to make them work. If you really enjoy talking every day but he's feeling swamped, maybe try changing the way you talk - instead of texts randomly through the work day, agree on something with more structure...say, a good morning and a "how was your day" conversation at the end. However it will look, as long as it works for you both then that is all that matters.

Getting the communication style sorted out in the early days of a relationship is always a good idea. I know there can often be this tentative feeling of wanting to let things develop naturally and not make too many demands. But it's so important to make sure everyone knows what's going on and feels ok with it. A friend once gave me some good advice: "Start how you mean to continue". If the relationship dynamic sets one pattern of behavior and then it suddenly changes without explanation, that's when problems can arise. Like we see here - you thought things were peachy-keen and then you find out, oops, they aren't and maybe they never were. Panic! Hurt feelings! What does it all mean?? It's not your fault, you didn't know. Another friend gave me some other good advice: "it's always ok to change the plan". Now you've got an opportunity to figure out how to incorporate this new information your SO has given you.

So I would say - set up a conversation about what your ideal communication style would look like, talk about how the previous system did or didn't work, be open to changing the plan, and remember that it's ok to talk in a relationship - it's all about finding the way that makes everyone feel heard and loved.

[hmrambling]

I doubt I would be offended or take it as rejection. I would take it as an opportunity to have an open discussion about how often each of person wants contact and come to an understanding about how often and what times are best to contact each other.

[Honour]

What the others said, really. Early days mean figuring things out, working out what's best for each partner, what is too little and too much. Compromises and such. Discuss what each of you would like, etc.

[QueenD]

I agree with the others that have said this doesn't seem like something to be offended about. One of the trickiest thing in a relationship is figuring out how to take the needs of two separate people and make them mesh together constructively.

My SO is not inherently as great at communicating regularly as I am. Some of this is due to his temperament, and some of it is due to the nature of his work and hobbies. We tend to talk on the phone around 2-3 times per week when we are apart, and will exchange at least a few texts daily. I would prefer to talk and text more often, and I am accustomed to prompt text replies that he can't necessarily give. (He works in television production and literally can't respond for a couple hours or so when he is taping, and also has to focus a lot while editing so he doesn't reply for a while on workdays.) In any case, we made the simplest deal you can imagine - if I need him to reply back to a text ASAP, I just need to tell him and he will do his very best to reply right away. It's interesting how well this works - because it forces me to think about whether I truly need to talk right away or not. Everyone is pretty happy with this arrangement.

[Jelly11]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I think sometimes when I read other posts and people will say they talk all day every day, it makes me feel a bit inferior, like he mustn't be as serious! But these posts have made me feel better. As each day goes by I end up reading the situation a little more.

[differentcountries]

If he is just trying to switch from "constantly talking/being alert" to not neccesarily texting during work, I'd say that is a reasonable transition. SO and I certainly dont text a lot during each work day - we are working and are often too busy to be doing that, usually when we text it is during luch/after dinner, ie when we have breaks, not while we work. I dont know what kind if job you can have where you can work efficiently while keeping a lenghty text convo going. We dont neccesarily text that much, either - we send a lot of pictures. We dont Skype that much any more, which is mostly because of his work hours and internet plan - he fininishes his job past nidnight and he saves money by mostly using the internet at work, and it desturbes his roommates if we Skype as well, plus I dont neccesarily feel like Skyping at 2 in the morning (if I am even awake), so we usually Skype perhaps once a week. Granted, he works a lot and we entered this sceme with a heavy heart; it would have been burdensome even CD.

Your relationship is still young, so expect some experiementation before you find a format that works for you, and then it might also change. We usued to Skype 6 days a week, that is simply not possible for us now, but we might do it again in the future, depending on his job and mine. We have started to make more phone calls during the day, as it is simply easier. Life and love changes. Find what works for you