He is so laid back - it's getting frustrating

[Teacherfairy]

I'm just here to have a vent. The guy I've been dating lives a 7 hour flight away (expat). He keeps half-heartedly making plans to come back and visit for occasions, but at the moment is so laid back and disorganised that they never actually happen.

This happened again today. He was meant to be coming back in a couple of weeks for a big birthday celebration. He'd invited me to go with him and it would have been the first time I would have met his family etc. I was really excited and rearranged plans so that I could go. Now he's left it too late to book the time off work and afford the flights.

This has happened a few times now and I'm starting to get really frustrated. He's been having a really crap time at work recently and said his head has been all over the place so I've not wanted to pile too much pressure on too much. But obviously, I am disappointed it's not happening.

I've had a very open conversation with him today and told him how I feel about all of this. It's not just me he's like this with, it's everyone. Im happy to go to him, I don't even expect him to travel here, but I'm tired of trying to make all of the plans.

He went away saying he'd look into some dates that he could book off over the summer. But I don't want to be let down again! I don't know whether to just back off completely and just start making other plans to see if he gets his ass into gear.

Thanks for listening. Rant over! 😂

[Katy_G]

Sorry to hear about this.

The way I see it, he also has much to work on in terms of getting things together before he can be in the right place to spend time with you. He may need the opportunity to see to this.

However this doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold while waiting. Making other plans would be good, but it would be best to let him know of these---and work *with* him to put time together in this scenario.

Best of luck!

[Teacherfairy]

Thanks Katy. You are so right. The problem I have is that if I start making other plans before I have firm plans with him then I don't get to see him. As you can see from my name, I'm a teacher. I have set holidays. I want to plan those holidays before things get too expensive, whereas he's happy to just wait until the last minute.

I think I'm also finding it hard not to take it personally at the moment. Surely if you like somebody enough then you want to make plans with them and not let them down?

[Katy_G]

Would it be possible to have a day within those holidays that is an 'optional' day---the day wherein he may or may not spend with you? In the end he does have to respect your schedule too, given how demanding your profession is.

It's hard that yes, this is a very personal thing. I hope that the talk you've had with him---or any talks you will have soon---can help you air this out to him. Maybe he just needs a little reminding

[Teacherfairy]

Would it be possible to have a day within those holidays that is an 'optional' day---the day wherein he may or may not spend with you?

Not really because flights need to be booked etc. I want to go away with friends too but would like to make sure I can fit both in. I'm thinking of just giving him some dates and saying look this is when I'm free.

This is when distance gets hard!

[Katy_G]

That does sound like a reasonable approach. I hope he's amenable to that.

[R&R]

Due to my SO's work schedule, it's easier for me to go visit him. The first two times he was to come visit me, he didn't make it. So for the third trip, I booked a flight and said "I'll be there from date to date" and showed up. Sometimes you have to be the asssertive one.

[Jelly11]

Thanks Katy. You are so right. The problem I have is that if I start making other plans before I have firm plans with him then I don't get to see him. As you can see from my name, I'm a teacher. I have set holidays. I want to plan those holidays before things get too expensive, whereas he's happy to just wait until the last minute.

I think I'm also finding it hard not to take it personally at the moment. Surely if you like somebody enough then you want to make plans with them and not let them down?

I generally don't have any advice but I just want to say I completely empathise because my guy is the same! I'm a teacher too so I get the set times. For me, having something booked is something to look forward to as well so I don't really get how they wouldn't want to get it booked. I can't understand their way of thinking haha. It was so expensive too because we left it last minute last time!! We could save so much money!! Irritating isn't it?!

[Teacherfairy]

So irritating. it just makes the whole situation so much harder too. I feel like it's a vicious circle. He's always been worried about a long distance relationship getting frustrating yet he does things that make it more frustrating than it needs to be!

[Teacherfairy]

Due to my SO's work schedule, it's easier for me to go visit him. The first two times he was to come visit me, he didn't make it. So for the third trip, I booked a flight and said "I'll be there from date to date" and showed up. Sometimes you have to be the asssertive one.

I've told him today that 'this is when I'm free - shall I book a flight and just come'. But he still can't even make a decision about that because he'll say 'no lets go away somewhere' or 'I want to come home for a bit'. But my fear is that it just won't happen again.

[Honour]

Omg, I know what you mean! Although, my SO is more laid-back when it comes to other things, more so than planning visits. Still, he hasn't told me what he plans to do for our first meeting yet. It's far better if he comes over here first... then I'd be going there.

[R&R]

I've told him today that 'this is when I'm free - shall I book a flight and just come'. But he still can't even make a decision about that because he'll say 'no lets go away somewhere' or 'I want to come home for a bit'. But my fear is that it just won't happen again.

This is when I tell him, "Since you won't work with me to make a decision, I am making the executive decision to _____________." I'm not a person to deal with someone who is wishy-washy and can't make a decision - so if I have to make it in the end, so be it. And if my SO complains or gets upset, I tell him he had the choice for input and chose to do nothing with it, so suck it up, Buttercup. ("Suck it up, Buttercup" is a favorite saying that he says to me lol)

[Teacherfairy]

I think it's over. He says that me getting so frustrated has made him think about things and whether the distance is working. I really don't want it to end - I only get frustrated because I want to see him 😔

[C.C.]

Aww it's so tough and unfair

Frustration is not pleasant and no one likes to take it, but it's not like it's unwarranted, and even then, thinking about ending it is too much imo.
Either way, hang in there

[Teacherfairy]

Thanks C.C.

Feeling totally gutted at the moment to be honest. I was trying to make plans to go and see him, but he just kept saying it's too hard because then I have to leave again - and then what?

I told him I wouldn't be this frustrated if there was a plan in place to see him - no matter how far away that was. But he won't commit to anything. We left it saying we'd talk again in a few days but it didn't feel very positive.