He is so laid back - it's getting frustrating

[Teacherfairy]

Just by reading your posts, I am guessing your SO might be a commitment phobe. I don't know his age and his relationship history but I would suggest avoiding discussing the subject with him for a week or so. But talk to him everyday and write down everything he says regarding everything that seems relevant from his relationship with his family to his everyday life. Reread what you learned about him, assess him and approach him. He probably doesn't want to be rushed into anything, you are stealing him of his spontaneity, his time, his space (his thoughts). Bring up the subject again when he feels relaxed, right now he feels like a trapped animal.
I am suggesting all these only if you think he is worth your time, energy and love.
Best of luck

Before me, he was in a relationship that lasted 6 years. He's 32. He's always said that he's looking for someone to settle with but has always expressed concerns about me not being nearer. Yet he doesn't want to find anyone out where he is because ultimately he wants to come home.

We were meant to talk last night but he didn't respond to my message. I guess he's not ready to talk yet. I can't sleep for worrying....

[MariaEx]

I would suggest reading a little bit about expat psychology. These people are torn between two and probably your relationship is adding extra pressure to him. Please, please, please don't put pressure on him, I know from experience. You need to become one more reason for him to come back

[Teacherfairy]

I would suggest reading a little bit about expat psychology. These people are torn between two and probably your relationship is adding extra pressure to him. Please, please, please don't put pressure on him, I know from experience. You need to become one more reason for him to come back

Expat psychology does sound worth a read - thanks Maria! I'm finding it hard to read him. One minute he's inviting me to a wedding and introducing me to his friends, the next the distance is too much and it can't work. Maybe reading up on it will help me to understand a bit more.

I've never intended to put any pressure on him, and if anything I've probably tried to bottle up my frustrations for fear of pushing him away. I've probably been trying too hard to make it easy for him and show him that we can make it work. I went out to visit him and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

My frustrations came out this time because I had completely rearranged plans and messed people around because he insisted he was coming back. This has happened a couple of times now but he never follows through.

I really don't know what to do next.

[MariaEx]

You are welcome Don't be afraid, you have one major advantage, you are his gf and you are home!

[C.C.]

MariaEx, you are older and most likely a lot more experienced one too, but I don't get it.

She is a reason for him to come back? She is his home? Ok of course, but does that mean the relationship should be unhealthily unequal?
Obviously the only choice right now is to give him time and wait to see what happens, but still, he is the one at fault. He is the one being immature and no one would be able to take that long enough without any reaction.
Not losing someone you love is what matters the most sometimes, yes. However, it's not like him coming back will make any difference if things get repeated like this?
He needs space yes, but what does she need? What does any healthy relationship need?
Him giving enough commitment and MAINLY, him realising what he did wrong and changing his attitude towards improving his mistakes and flaws. It may take a while, but there's a difference between someone's personality being the way it is and between plain immaturity and problems that can be solved with enough effort, and that he needs to do for himself as well, not for the relationship only.

My point is: that advice can work for now, but not for the future or the entire relationship. No one has to put up for childish and inconsiderate behaviours just because they love and understand the person, and especially, no one has to get harmed by that themselves over and over in the process.

(This is all assuming I got what you are saying right)

[Teacherfairy]

Obviously the only choice right now is to give him time and wait to see what happens, but still, he is the one at fault

Any tips on how to do this without it being so difficult? I spoke to him briefly earlier but we were both working so it wasn't a proper conversation.

I know time and space is probably good for us both but I just want to sort it out. I can't sleep and it's affecting my day to day life. I'm trying to keep busy and work is mental. But I still feel so rubbish about it all.

[MariaEx]

C.C. I am older but I don't know about the experience part My point is that sometimes we all act childish, inconsiderably, selfishly towards other people, no one is perfect. If she wants to give him a chance and understand why he is behaving like that, she should. It's all about chances and what we are willing to do.

[Teacherfairy]

C.C. I am older but I don't know about the experience part My point is that sometimes we all act childish, inconsiderably, selfishly towards other people, no one is perfect. If she wants to give him a chance and understand why he is behaving like that, she should. It's all about chances and what we are willing to do.

I guess I'm trying to find a balance. Of understanding where he's at and letting him know how I'm feeling.

I spoke to him last night but decided not to bring it all up. I feel if I say any more now I'm just going to push him further away. It was actually one of the nicest conversations we've had in ages now I'm not pushing to know when I'm going to see him.

But at the same time I've decided to take a MASSIVE step back. I need to protect myself at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my friends and making my own plans. There's no point pushing him anymore - I guess if he wants to see me the he'll let me know and find a way.

[Redheart14]

I guess I'm trying to find a balance. Of understanding where he's at and letting him know how I'm feeling.

I spoke to him last night but decided not to bring it all up. I feel if I say any more now I'm just going to push him further away. It was actually one of the nicest conversations we've had in ages now I'm not pushing to know when I'm going to see him.

But at the same time I've decided to take a MASSIVE step back. I need to protect myself at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my friends and making my own plans. There's no point pushing him anymore - I guess if he wants to see me the he'll let me know and find a way.

As hard as it is, that sounds like the best bet. Look after you.

[Elizabeth123]

Quote Originally Posted by Teacherfairy
I guess I'm trying to find a balance. Of understanding where he's at and letting him know how I'm feeling.
......
But at the same time I've decided to take a MASSIVE step back. I need to protect myself at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my friends and making my own plans. There's no point pushing him anymore - I guess if he wants to see me the he'll let me know and find a way.

Good for you. Any relationship requires two people willing to make an effort. Things will not always be 50/50...but it shouldn't feel like your needs are being completely disregarded.

[MariaEx]

[QUOTE=Teacherfairy;421356]I guess I'm trying to find a balance. Of understanding where he's at and letting him know how I'm feeling.

I spoke to him last night but decided not to bring it all up. I feel if I say any more now I'm just going to push him further away. It was actually one of the nicest conversations we've had in ages now I'm not pushing to know when I'm going to see him.

But at the same time I've decided to take a MASSIVE step back. I need to protect myself at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my friends and making my own plans. There's no point pushing him anymore - I guess if he wants to see me the he'll let me know and find a way.[/QUOTE

I hope everything goes well and you'll have a great summer

[Teacherfairy]

[QUOTE=MariaEx;421409]

I guess I'm trying to find a balance. Of understanding where he's at and letting him know how I'm feeling.

I spoke to him last night but decided not to bring it all up. I feel if I say any more now I'm just going to push him further away. It was actually one of the nicest conversations we've had in ages now I'm not pushing to know when I'm going to see him.

But at the same time I've decided to take a MASSIVE step back. I need to protect myself at the moment. I'm going to concentrate on myself, my friends and making my own plans. There's no point pushing him anymore - I guess if he wants to see me the he'll let me know and find a way.[/QUOTE

I hope everything goes well and you'll have a great summer

Thank you. I have to confess - I'm scared it'll all fizzle out if I don't speak to him as often as I have been (I've been used to being in contact with him almost everyday since we started dating again). But I guess only time will tell...

[Teacherfairy]

Hey all. So thought I'd post a quick update. I was kind of expecting communication to fade once I took a step back to be honest because that would mean him actually putting some effort in. But it's been the complete opposite. He's been calling me regularly to see how I am. We've had a couple of really nice long Skype chats that haven't ended in arguments. And it's generally gone back to being quite nice talking to him again.

We've talked briefly about our issues (I haven't pushed it) but I've just kind of accepted what he's saying and tried to listen rather than arguing with him (and similarly the other way around). He started talking about coming back next month but I stopped him and said I don't want to be disappointed in case he doesn't follow it through again.

Our issues are still there so I'm not entirely sure what the way forward can be at the moment. And I know he still has an issue with the distance. So maybe we can only be friends right now (as difficult as it is for me to try to accept that!)

[Elizabeth123]

Glad to hear you're still talking....building a friendship can be a great way to deepen your relationship.

[Miasmata]

No matter what page you're on right now, make sure you two talk it out and know where you're both at.