on the edge..

[Laika]

Hello.

I have been in a LDR for 3 years and 7 months.
I have reached a point in my relationship where I have started to wonder if it is worth to keep staying or moving on so I wont get hurt any further.
My boyfriend loves games a lot, meaning that we spend lots of time playing them together.
My boyfriend and I play games together a lot and during these years we have reached situations where we couldn't find a good one where he could feel completely dedicated to it, when we do find one he can be happy with it for some time, but then he can get annoyed..

It have sometimes reached points where we have asked me to find a game for us and just tell him any i liked and he would love to try them, but when i do, he instantly reject them, which makes me feel frustrated.

What's been getting to me the most these past two months is that he started having suicidal thoughts, these don't seem that big now, since he does not mention them, but when we played a game during these months he's been getting really annoyed, which makes him let his frustration out on me, which I have been able to take for a long time in my opinion, but since i now feel like im being critized, can't do things right and to him just ask obnoxious questions it makes me feel bad.. He have asked me 3-4 times if I wanted to break up and I said no, i explained to him how i felt lately and he said that if he made me feel so bad, why don't i just leave him?

Thing is, when stuff like these Happens he just tell me a bit later he wants to be intimate with me, he needs me and loves me..
But.. I just feel like he's paying less attention to me.. Normally he would ask about my day, which concert i went to that night or which movie I saw at the cinema.. He often says the weekends are a waste even if we have watched videos, movies and laughed without rly playing a game.

He said that the school is stressful and it really exhausting.

I really don't know anymore.

[differentcountries]

If he is starting to develop a depression or a stress reaction, it makes sense that he is both more agressive towards you and also seem more indifferent. That does not mean that he is and that his moods have anything to do with you.

He says it is school, so maybe it is school. But having sucidal thoughts and being a bit paranoid ("If I make you feel so bad, you dont you leave me") is more than a little stress reaction. Is he seeing anyone? He sounds a bit dark.

What helped us when my boyfriend had a reactive depression was, I decided to get to know him all over. Just start from scratch and see who and what he was at that point. It is a difficult message to get across that you love someone even if they misbehave. I think the way I phrazed it was that I missed him and that I was thinking about him, and longed to feel close to him again. He used to reffer to his "old self" when he felt lost. We talked a lot about "the old you" and " the new you". It was important to him that, even if I found him and his attitude annoying, I still wanted to see him and found things to enjoy with him

[Laika]

He got agoraphopia, (says so) but never got a diagnose about it, whenever I mention a psychologist or a doctor, he gets mad at me for mentioning them and saying that he is coping with the "depression" (Is what it seems to me), by having me and by having games, but not having one of them makes him feel like something is missing. He told me that even if he had a game lately, he did not know why he reacted the way he did now.

But being with a guy whos very pessimistic always and who tends to quilt trip you when hes in this bad mood, is extremely tough. He does not have a very good self esteem as well, (often mention he hates himself and how he looks in clothes)..

Just really afraid of being hurt badly again, because I know I wont be able to take it anymore if it did happen.

[Elizabeth123]

To seek a therapist or counselor is the smartest course of action. You can't be his "therapy"...
A healthy relationship is built by two individuals. If he's having such difficulties or suicidal thoughts he needs professional help.

[C.C.]

he is coping with the "depression" (Is what it seems to me), by having me and by having games, but not having one of them makes him feel like something is missing.

That is such an unhealthy approach.
No romantic or any other kind of relationship can cure depression, it's a chemical imbalance. Also the other things you have mentioned are pretty hard to take and deal with no matter how strong a person is.
He certainly needs help and he needs to act more mature about it, he is not helping neither himself, nor you, nor the relationship.

[Laika]

Been telling him that it is very unhealthy for our relationship, but he still refuses to talk with a therapist because he feel he is dealing with it the right way, tried to explain to how he is dealing with it the wrong way since it wont be long lasting. Even if i told him he should do it for himself as well he still dont want to.

He can have days where he can be really really sweet and makes me happy, but then it happens a few days after again and becomes really tough.
I often talk with him when hes at school and some days he ignores it when I tell him that I love him and first say it back during the night.

[R&R]

A person will only get help when they realize that they need to do it. They aren't going to do it for anyone else or for their relationship.

I was with someone for just under 2 years who had his focus as music instead of video games. He had unrealistic expectations of what he could do. He was also very immature and sure the world was out to get him. He suffered depression on and off. Finally, I had to end it. I couldn't deal with someone who was not only not taking care of himself and had not desire to, but was draining the life out of me. I had to look at what was best for me and my kids and ended it. His next relationship didn't last very long either because she wouldn't deal with it either.

[Miasmata]

You cannot be his therapist. You also cannot make him go to see a therapist. He needs to see that need himself, but you can look out for yourself and make clear that you can see he's suffering and that you cannot be an accomplice in his selfabuse. Depression is a very tricky beast to deal with, because it reinforces negative thinking and makes people struggle against any kind of positive change, because the negative thinking feels normal and "the way it should be". It's incredibly toxic. I really hope for him that he gets help, but I also hope for you that you set boundaries and make clear to him that you cannot be a part of his selfdestruction.

My SO has a long history with depression and suicidal thoughts, and at first tried to keep it all hidden and made up a ton of lies about himself and his feelings, just to have a justification for it all. He continously abused my trust, and it was all because he was so damn afraid to admit that he was depressed, and that he needed help. Eventually, he broke down and flatout told me he wanted to kill himself. I immediately googled the number of a suicide prevention hotline, sent it to him and said: "You call. Now. I can't do this." Thankfully, he did.
From that point on, I told him very directly that I care about him, but that I cannot take his depression away, and that I cannot be part of his lies. It took time, but he eventually admitted that he had to get help, and started seeing a therapist. I was harsh, but fair with him - I told him that a relationship based on lies and his dwindling mental health had no future. It was a very unfun thing to discuss, but it was absolutely necessary. I made clear I would be with him every step of the way as long as he was honest with me and let me in.

That's another big part of the denial that depression forces people into - They aren't just shutting out professional help, but they are also shutting out their partners and their feelings. A relationship needs to be built on trust, and that applies to emotional things, too. If you are constantly put behind his emotional wall, you can't help, even if you were able to.

My SO came up with a ton of excuses, again a part of the depression's way of sustaining itself. He claimed all therapists are awful, that he already went to so many, that nobody could help him, anyway. The thing is, he was still enrolled in college by that point, and his campus offered an extensive mental health service. I pressed him on it and found out he never even tried going there, even though it was covered by his college tuition. I told him that going there had the chance to help him get better, but not going had the 100% chance of things staying the way they were. I was honest, I told him I was afraid he'd die. I said I didn't want to get up one day and find out he killed himself. He caved in, initially not for himself, but for me. I hated being so harsh with him, but it was absolutely necessary.

Obviously, these are just my experiences; what worked for me might not work for you. Just, no matter what, be honest with yourself and him, and understand that you need to set boundaries. He's very likely not aware of it, but he's making you a part of his depressive cycle. He's hurting you with how he's acting, and he needs to understand that has to stop, for both of your sakes. You can be there for him and support him all the way, but he has to let you.

[Laika]

Now that you mention it, my boyfriend also hate society and the world in general, he does not have a very positive view of it. He did use music sometimes to make him feel better (he is playing on the guitar), it is just extremely hard for me to decide on what to do and what not to do, we are supposed to meet in 2 weeks, but as of right now, I honestly have not felt like going. I know I do love this guy a lot so that does not make it easier for me either and when he says he have not ended his life because of me, that does not help either..

But when we are gonna meet he often mention that hes excited to have me.. And feel thats more in the sexual way, I dont know if I overthink regarding that.

[Laika]

You cannot be his therapist. You also cannot make him go to see a therapist. He needs to see that need himself, but you can look out for yourself and make clear that you can see he's suffering and that you cannot be an accomplice in his selfabuse. Depression is a very tricky beast to deal with, because it reinforces negative thinking and makes people struggle against any kind of positive change, because the negative thinking feels normal and "the way it should be". It's incredibly toxic. I really hope for him that he gets help, but I also hope for you that you set boundaries and make clear to him that you cannot be a part of his selfdestruction.

My SO has a long history with depression and suicidal thoughts, and at first tried to keep it all hidden and made up a ton of lies about himself and his feelings, just to have a justification for it all. He continously abused my trust, and it was all because he was so damn afraid to admit that he was depressed, and that he needed help. Eventually, he broke down and flatout told me he wanted to kill himself. I immediately googled the number of a suicide prevention hotline, sent it to him and said: "You call. Now. I can't do this." Thankfully, he did.
From that point on, I told him very directly that I care about him, but that I cannot take his depression away, and that I cannot be part of his lies. It took time, but he eventually admitted that he had to get help, and started seeing a therapist. I was harsh, but fair with him - I told him that a relationship based on lies and his dwindling mental health had no future. It was a very unfun thing to discuss, but it was absolutely necessary. I made clear I would be with him every step of the way as long as he was honest with me and let me in.

That's another big part of the denial that depression forces people into - They aren't just shutting out professional help, but they are also shutting out their partners and their feelings. A relationship needs to be built on trust, and that applies to emotional things, too. If you are constantly put behind his emotional wall, you can't help, even if you were able to.

My SO came up with a ton of excuses, again a part of the depression's way of sustaining itself. He claimed all therapists are awful, that he already went to so many, that nobody could help him, anyway. The thing is, he was still enrolled in college by that point, and his campus offered an extensive mental health service. I pressed him on it and found out he never even tried going there, even though it was covered by his college tuition. I told him that going there had the chance to help him get better, but not going had the 100% chance of things staying the way they were. I was honest, I told him I was afraid he'd die. I said I didn't want to get up one day and find out he killed himself. He caved in, initially not for himself, but for me. I hated being so harsh with him, but it was absolutely necessary.

Obviously, these are just my experiences; what worked for me might not work for you. Just, no matter what, be honest with yourself and him, and understand that you need to set boundaries. He's very likely not aware of it, but he's making you a part of his depressive cycle. He's hurting you with how he's acting, and he needs to understand that has to stop, for both of your sakes. You can be there for him and support him all the way, but he has to let you.

Thank you, and I am glad to know that it is going better for the two of you now.
My boyfriend says that he already know what they are gonna say (hes studying psychology),I feel like hes being honest with me , but I might be blind to it, one thing i noticed is that hes often sending me very mixed signals , when hes annoyed such as him telling me to leave him alone and not talk right now, but 1 min later, he asks me why I havent said anything, why im being cold towards him etc. He says that when hes together with me he feels good, hes confident and what not, but I obviously want him to feel that way when Im not around too. I will be thinking of what you said and try and make more bounderies and hope we can work it out.

I did tell him that we wouldnt have a future together if this kept going on but seems like he changes the topic when i mention that.

[Miasmata]

Seems like he's making excuses, too. If a med student said he shouldn't go to the doctor because he already knows what the doctor will say, would that make sense? Not really, no. Knowing what the treatment is and actually getting treatment are two very different things! But he's making excuses not to give it a shot. As said, he has to understand two important points: He's hurting both himself and you by continuing down this path, and the relationship cannot thrive if he continues being extremely negative, emotionally unavaible and makes excuses for his problems.

[Laika]

Going to ask again.. Noticed that I have lost a bit of weight and keep having a huge knot in my stomach, I find myself eating less , because well, I just dont feel like, I end up sleeping a lot more as well. Been finding myself laying in bed tearing being sad that it have come this far.. Hes giving me hopes, saying its just school and its stressful, he miss my touch and its getting too much for him..

I have been seriously considering whether a break up would be the best or not .. And end up crying badly just typing this.

He raged badly over a game tonight saying its because of school, that we barely get a good team and asked if it wasnt better if we tried to spend our time on something more positive, but instead said he wouldnt talk for an hour and just "stfu" which meant we didnt talk for 30 mins. Before we went to bed now, he told me to make a list of all the games I would play and mentioned them all.. ( A lot got rejected, he explained why he didnt want to play them which is alright) meaning we were left with the game he complained over all night, raging, saying he didnt wanna quit it because i spend money on buying it, but like I mentioned above that he just felt it was because of the teams in the game, but hoped it would improve once we were higher lvl..We found one other game as well, which we could perhaps try tomorrow.

Sigh, I just feel completely lost in this mess..

[R&R]

Going to ask again.. Noticed that I have lost a bit of weight and keep having a huge knot in my stomach, I find myself eating less , because well, I just dont feel like, I end up sleeping a lot more as well. Been finding myself laying in bed tearing being sad that it have come this far.. Hes giving me hopes, saying its just school and its stressful, he miss my touch and its getting too much for him..

I have been seriously considering whether a break up would be the best or not .. And end up crying badly just typing this.

He raged badly over a game tonight saying its because of school, that we barely get a good team and asked if it wasnt better if we tried to spend our time on something more positive, but instead said he wouldnt talk for an hour and just "stfu" which meant we didnt talk for 30 mins. Before we went to bed now, he told me to make a list of all the games I would play and mentioned them all.. ( A lot got rejected, he explained why he didnt want to play them which is alright) meaning we were left with the game he complained over all night, raging, saying he didnt wanna quit it because i spend money on buying it, but like I mentioned above that he just felt it was because of the teams in the game, but hoped it would improve once we were higher lvl..We found one other game as well, which we could perhaps try tomorrow.

Sigh, I just feel completely lost in this mess..

It's not healthy for someone to be so obsessed with gaming and having such strong reactions when things don't go how they want. It's a GAME. I know lots of people game together as one source of enjoyment or bonding. It sounds like most of his life and your relationship revolve around this. It appears he needs to step away from the console/computer and get out and enjoy actual life until he can see gaming for what it is.

[Hollandia]

My older brother killed himself when he was 19 years old. He had reasons to be upset but certainly nothing that warranted killing himself, in our opinion. This is nothing to play around with. If you really think he is having any type of suicidal thoughts even in the slightest, then help him to get help for it. Fly to him and find out what his support system is. My last conversation with my brother was about eggs. I thought he was working through his depression. 2 days later he jumped off a train trestle onto a track below with oncoming other trains several hundred feet below, no doubt he really wanted to die.

If you hear any "Suicidal thoughts" of any kind from anyone you love, get them help immediately.....nothing else matters.

[Laika]

My older brother killed himself when he was 19 years old. He had reasons to be upset but certainly nothing that warranted killing himself, in our opinion. This is nothing to play around with. If you really think he is having any type of suicidal thoughts even in the slightest, then help him to get help for it. Fly to him and find out what his support system is. My last conversation with my brother was about eggs. I thought he was working through his depression. 2 days later he jumped off a train trestle onto a track below with oncoming other trains several hundred feet below, no doubt he really wanted to die.

If you hear any "Suicidal thoughts" of any kind from anyone you love, get them help immediately.....nothing else matters.

Im really sorry to hear what happened to your brother.

I will do my best to help my boyfriend of course, I love him and care about him more than anything,and I will try ask if he still got these thoughts since he have not mentioned them for a while. One thing Im wondering is whether I should be telling his parents since Im worried it might make it worse or he will feel that I betray his trust. I found the hotlines for suicidal thoughts and a site which can help those who think of it so far. But I will keep searching.

Again, Im sorry to hear what happened to your brother, you have my condolences.