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Can you learn to compromise? If so, what's the secret?

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    Can you learn to compromise? If so, what's the secret?

    I love my SO a lot but there's one way in particular we are fundamentally very different people. I honestly don't know if in the long term it's going to drive us both insane or if it's something we can learn to compromise with. We've been together four years now and it's really only something I've started to notice but if I'm noticing it (and getting irritated by it) now after four years, what is it going to be like after forty years!!

    Ultimately it boils down to my lack of ability to compromise without feeling some degree of resentment, which I am well aware is a flaw of mine and if there's a way to change that, I'm all ears!

    The issue is that I'm naturally adventurous and he's naturally cautious. Before he got to know me, he didn't own a passport or had been to more than two states in the USA (he lives practically on the border of the two he had been to), whereas I have always travelled and moved around a lot and really am not one to settle anywhere. At this point, I should fairly mention that ultimately he's the one who is going to move here, so the ultimate sacrifice in terms of moving and I am very grateful for that (btw I would have moved over there years ago if it weren't for having my daughter here but I won't move her away from her Dad or family).

    However, the difference between us is becoming very noticeable. When I go there next week, I'll be staying for 3-weeks and for months I've been suggesting things we could do whilst I'm there. I've been over a few times now and have seen his hometown and very local area A LOT. Obviously the main reason for going is to see him but I also would love to see a bit more of America whilst over there. Every suggestion I have made, he's had an excuse for - too far, too expensive, too much driving, too hot etc etc. Some perfectly valid excuses, I am very grateful for him reigning me in sometimes otherwise I'd have had us on some crazy interstate drive for 3-weeks. But I just want to do something different!! We had finally compromised on going camping in one of the local state parks....not too far from where he lives, not too expensive but something different at least. Now, he's just decided that's a bad idea too as it'll be too hot and humid in a tent. Again, I know he's just been sensible, the weather in VA at this time of year is hot and humid and it could be the worst night's sleep of our lives but he doesn't seem to get that I still want to try.

    I know I'll end up compromising but like I said earlier I know part of me will also still feel a slight resentment. Pah. I guess I'll talk to him again and see if I can suggest something else.

    #2
    People can certainly learn to compromise.

    However, if I find myself having resentments, I have to look at the cause of that resentment. Is it fear based? Am I mad I didn't get my way? Am I being controlling? What were my motives?

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      #3
      I do want to say- being outside in summer in the southeast is miserable. I took my dog on a run yesterday morning at 8am. It was 79, with humidity at 85% which have me a heat index of upper 80s. At around 12-4pm you're looking at heat index of 100+. And the bugs, omg the BUGS!

      My point- camping in the summer is completely miserable.

      But! That's not your point. My SO is similar in a way. He always wants to do things in theory, but never actually puts plans in action. So I do. Brazil for Olympics? My idea, my planning, my putting up with his "too expensive" rants. Having a second wedding party with photographer? My idea, my planning, etc. the thing is, once we go and do things he's always so excited. It's getting them to do it that's tough.

      So plan something. Stay strong. Say it's what you want to do. And when he realizes you're better than him at planning then you'll become eternal trip captain! Like me

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        #4
        Haha, before I even read your post LB that's what I'd decided to do. I'm going to book us a treehouse to stay in!

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          #5
          Originally posted by hmrambling View Post
          People can certainly learn to compromise.

          However, if I find myself having resentments, I have to look at the cause of that resentment. Is it fear based? Am I mad I didn't get my way? Am I being controlling? What were my motives?
          When it comes to compromise, I try to examine these things:
          1. What is the situation at hand?
          2. Is he able to tell me everything he feels and thinks about the situation/what he wants/what he believes would be best?
          3. Am I telling him everything?
          4. What do we both want to happen?

          I find it easier to regard my SO not as my competitor in getting what I want, or in charting a course of action, but as my partner. That's how compromise works with us.

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