Should I go back to visit after him breaking up?

[asphyxis]

Trying to cope with all levels of emotions that are either high or low right now. My long distance boyfriend of nearly 2 years called it quits on the 5th, which constitutes to the 3rd time for us. First one was around December after a huge argument after not seeing eachother due to my new job. The 2nd was in Feb right before Valentines day because of a custody issue. This time, was over a fight over a Facebook status that I had put out in which he lashed out through texting at me accusing me of not knowing what I want, and calling me a closet lesbian which eventually lead to him saying that he was generally done in the relationship. I didn't contact him till last Sunday when I sent a long e-mail left unresponded to. So Monday night, I called him and we talked on the phone for 3 hours in which he said I needed to move on and that he was tired of being hurt of the distance, not knowing when I'll be able to move amongst other things couples bicker about. We talked briefly this past Wednesday when I told him that I'll finally be able to move in the next few months, in which he said he was genuinely happy for me. I asked if I could see him in August and he agreed to see me next month and even picked the weekend I should come down to talk to him. He broke up because he said he couldn't handle the distance anymore, what took so long was my custody battle with my ex. He finally agreed to it Tuesday. Should I go? Should I try to pursue rekindling anything? I feel like I got mixed signals from him on the phone. One min he said he was completely done and a bit later he said things are uncertain. I'm trying to treat this as a real break up. He wants to be friends so he says if possible and dropped hints that he was checking out my Facebook even though we aren't mutual friends anymore. It's hard to give up because we were so happy when we were physically together, which was about every other month. We shared similar life long goals, talked about a family and being together, etc. You get the idea. Looking for guidance and support and clarity. I don't have anyone to lean on.

[zallen239]

Hmm a toughie, I think what you're doing at the moment and treating it as you say 'a real break up' is a good idea but then at the same time you still seem to behave like a couple of good friends. In my experience a break up normally means taking time for yourself to figure things out and move on but in this case it sounds as if the pair of you are still 'hanging on'. I feel that you both are reluctant to end things but both know (and perhaps are ignoring) that deep down you feel like you'd be better off without each other. From what you say that you've broken up multiple times over the course of your relationship this could be another one of those times. I think that you really have to ask yourself what YOU want. It can be hard but do you want to see him? Do you want to get back together? Do you see a future between the two of you? If you still can't decide on answers to these questions I think it's best to stay broken up and treat this as a break up. From what it sounds like to me though I think you shouldn't visit and maybe try and distance yourself from him a little bit to aid you and perhaps you'll gain a greater understanding of things and gain some perspective. When you say 'it's hard to give up' of course it is, but knowing when to give up is of vital importance and I feel that perhaps you already know that time has come. Good luck in sorting everything out and I wish you all the best.

[Elizabeth123]

I'm trying to treat this as a real break up. He wants to be friends so he says if possible and dropped hints that he was checking out my Facebook even though we aren't mutual friends anymore.

Was your reason to move only because of him? If so, please reconsider..
Not everyone can handle the work it takes to maintain a LDR ...Are you sure he's worth it?

[snow]

Your SO, or ex, needs to grow up. People have responsibilities, especially parents. Him breaking up with you because you couldn't make it to visit him due to a new job is immature. Him breaking up with you because of a custody issue is immature. If he loves you and he wants to be with you, he has to accept that you have responsibilities and a child / children and if he can't do that, then it'd be really hard for me to trust this man.

Imagine yourself moving where he is and then he breaks up with you because your child disagrees with him, what then? It's incredibly childish.

[Moon]

No sweetie, no. You shouldn't visit, and I know it hurts, but let this relationship go. You're too old for this on-again, off-again merry-go-round crap, and you have a child to worry about, therefore need stable, mature relationships. Anything less will just be a mess and not healthy for you and your child, custody battles are difficult enough. As much as you might like him, he's nowhere near grown up enough, or selfless enough, or anywhere near ready to have a relationship with a single mother, or any adult woman for that matter. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things just don't work out. Walk away before you get really hurt. I'm sorry.

[R&R]

No sweetie, no. You shouldn't visit, and I know it hurts, but let this relationship go. You're too old for this on-again, off-again merry-go-round crap, and you have a child to worry about, therefore need stable, mature relationships. Anything less will just be a mess and not healthy for you and your child, custody battles are difficult enough. As much as you might like him, he's nowhere near grown up enough, or selfless enough, or anywhere near ready to have a relationship with a single mother, or any adult woman for that matter. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things just don't work out. Walk away before you get really hurt. I'm sorry.

This. 1,000,000% this!

[asphyxis]

Hmm a toughie, I think what you're doing at the moment and treating it as you say 'a real break up' is a good idea but then at the same time you still seem to behave like a couple of good friends. In my experience a break up normally means taking time for yourself to figure things out and move on but in this case it sounds as if the pair of you are still 'hanging on'. I feel that you both are reluctant to end things but both know (and perhaps are ignoring) that deep down you feel like you'd be better off without each other. From what you say that you've broken up multiple times over the course of your relationship this could be another one of those times. I think that you really have to ask yourself what YOU want. It can be hard but do you want to see him? Do you want to get back together? Do you see a future between the two of you? If you still can't decide on answers to these questions I think it's best to stay broken up and treat this as a break up. From what it sounds like to me though I think you shouldn't visit and maybe try and distance yourself from him a little bit to aid you and perhaps you'll gain a greater understanding of things and gain some perspective. When you say 'it's hard to give up' of course it is, but knowing when to give up is of vital importance and I feel that perhaps you already know that time has come. Good luck in sorting everything out and I wish you all the best.

I don't know if seeing him that soon out of being so fresh from this would be good for me. As stubborn as I am, I truly feel like he's worth it. Our moments together were extremely special, atleast I felt so. It was just instant sparks that flew when we started talking and when we met. I can see where the trouble began. My heart tells me that I should go there, but my mind is so unsure. How do you give up on something that you feel was right?

Was your reason to move only because of him? If so, please reconsider..
Not everyone can handle the work it takes to maintain a LDR ...Are you sure he's worth it?

No, I was planning on moving prior to our relationship which is what made him reconsider moving to me, because that was always my wish.

Your SO, or ex, needs to grow up. People have responsibilities, especially parents. Him breaking up with you because you couldn't make it to visit him due to a new job is immature. Him breaking up with you because of a custody issue is immature. If he loves you and he wants to be with you, he has to accept that you have responsibilities and a child / children and if he can't do that, then it'd be really hard for me to trust this man.

Imagine yourself moving where he is and then he breaks up with you because your child disagrees with him, what then? It's incredibly childish.

I've asked him these kinds of questions before and he has reassured me that he can handle it. Part of me has always wondered because he doesn't have any, not that he doesn't want any. I can see how he would have been upset, we made arrangements 3 times that fell through. We went 6 months without seeing eachother because my new job at the time was stiffing me on my schedule, adding me or almost blackmailing me that I had to work. February was uncertainty of everything. He was upset that I wasn't looking for a lawyer to pursue and had kinda stopped anything at all, which made him question what we, or what I was doing. I couldn't afford a lawyer at the time, but was trying. At the same time, to get myself out of a funk, I also put myself into debt on useless stuff.

No sweetie, no. You shouldn't visit, and I know it hurts, but let this relationship go. You're too old for this on-again, off-again merry-go-round crap, and you have a child to worry about, therefore need stable, mature relationships. Anything less will just be a mess and not healthy for you and your child, custody battles are difficult enough. As much as you might like him, he's nowhere near grown up enough, or selfless enough, or anywhere near ready to have a relationship with a single mother, or any adult woman for that matter. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things just don't work out. Walk away before you get really hurt. I'm sorry.

Thank you <3