How long until you go from exclusively dating to into a relationship

[Jelly11]

Some people here will know enough about my situation to know that my SO and I are exclusively dating, not "in a relationship". This kind of transition seems relatively normal in standard dating but in long distance terms I don't even know what it means.

My past relationship history has had a habit of being fast. I'm not used to the "dating" stage. Although observation of my friends' love lives tells me it is a relatively normal thing once you reach your 20s - to have a period of time dating and then at some point it becomes something more.

It's officially four months dating my SO now. Very early on (six weeks in) I brought up the relationship status and it freaked him out a bit and he said he has never had a relationship and he's not good with labels. I realise six weeks was a a bit quick. Like I said I'm not used to slow haha.

So I've been patient. But I don't know what is patient. Personally after four positive months I suppose I want to label it now. I accidentally asked him about it the other day (I asked a Question and he misinterpreted it as me asking about us). He gave the same response. Something like "I don't know what to say, you know how I feel about labels but I really like you and I'm not seeing anyone else."

I just don't know how long I'm supposed to wait. My friend dated her bf for seven months before being official and she told me she just didn't wanna rush him. Sadly I'm not quite as laid back as her! I don't know why the label bothers me. I just like the security I suppose.

Did anyone "date" first? I get the impression it's not really a thing in LDRs.

[C.C.]

It's all individual. Like completely individual and depends on a couple.

In my case, we are unofficially official and that's what we tell people and it will be absolutely official and many more people will hear about it after we meet for the first time. Though we are not actively hiding anything either~
But a question, what does that specific label change for you? Is it really that important?

There is no specified time to become official or specified way any relationship should be, LD or CD. If he doesn't want it, which I think he clearly doesn't, I don't think you should rush him. Maybe you could have a talk about what relationships mean to both of you and everything, and find out how he differentiates a relationship from an exclusive dating. Because you know, he could be associating a relationship to something more than to what you do. But honestly? "I don't know what to say, you know how I feel about labels but I really like you and I'm not seeing anyone else." kind of shows that he's not ready yet whatsoever~

Did anyone "date" first? I get the impression it's not really a thing in LDRs.

What difference does it being LDR make? Me and my SO were in a "relationship" but not a committed one in the beginning, which is the same as exclusive dating, I think.

[Moon]

He really likes you and isn't seeing anyone else, so what's the problem, really? How much more clarification or security will a label give you? Words can easily deceive, but actions do not. I "dated" exclusively at the beginning of my LDR, it lasted a pretty long time and naturally morphed into what it is now, and we've been together seven years, Why would an LDR be any different in this regard? Other than miles, it's still guys and girls trying to figure things out. He's not ready to call what you have a relationship, but the reality of it is, that's what you have, so don't worry about it so much. He'll realize it eventually, give him his space to do that or you may lose him.

[Harlequin]

My s/o and I met on a dating site and talked extensively about what it was we were looking for before even meeting up, and then it took 3 dates before we decided to become official. I think that took about 2 months total.

I agree with the posters above, but also want to include an anecdote in the opposite direction.
A friend of mine dated a guy for two years. First, he was too afraid to call her his girlfriend because "labels freak him out" and he'd "never had a girlfriend before". Then, after about 9 months, saying "I love you" freaked him out. Couldn't say it. Had to say stupid shit like "olive juice", and even then only sparingly because he'd get all weird. Then suddenly she was his girlfriend and he loved her, then after a few months, couldn't say that. Labels and the l-word were scary boogeymen for two years. If she tried to ask him about what he was feeling about her and the relationship, he would be all "weeeeh labeeellls"
He just wanted someone to play the role of girlfriend without worrying about the commitment involved in having one, and he didn't understand why she might have wanted something different. He was exclusive to her, but so long as there wasn't a label attached, he felt that he could leave whenever he wanted and it wouldn't be a big deal because she wasn't his girlfriend.
When she broke up with him, she found out he tried to hit up past flings for sex. She found out, because the collective response from these girls was "hell no", so he decided to call my friend instead. He didn't seem to get why that was beyond stupid.

Don't rush someone, sure, but also know when you're with someone who's just not a good match for you because you're looking for two totally different things. If you think he's worth the wait, then play things cool and don't pressure him. Like others have said, he should come around. If it gets to a point where it's really not going how you want it to, and he's not about to change it, then don't feel obligated to stay.

[Elizabeth123]

Well the truth is each couple finds their own "space or label".
If you NEED to have the talk about where you both are in the relationship then you explain it to your SO.
The LD part of any relationship has nothing to do with trusting and committing to your SO...this is just my opinion...
My SO and I started off just texting/talking...but even before the first "I love you" we both talked and decided on being exclusive.

[QueenD]

Maybe I'm off base, but I don't know what the heck the difference between "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship" would be. This may be because I'm great at being in a relationship but absolutely terrible at "dating."

For my part, it was important to me to define our relationship early on. I knew J on a friendship basis for a few years before our relationship turned to more around Christmas. We actually decided that we were in an exclusive relationship within about 5 weeks, which was when I visited his city for the first time. There are a few reasons it was important to me to define it, and while I think it was less important to him to define, I believe that it made things feel more real to both of us. We aren't engaged, and we haven't seriously talked about marriage yet (though I'd be just fine starting that talk any time, thankyouverymuch) but we are known among both of our social circles as a couple and I'm glad of that.

[Honour]

I think I get what you mean by "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship"... but then again, I'm not 100% sure.

My SO and I jumped straight in the deepend after only 2 weeks of knowing each other. Whether we were "just dating" or "in a relationship" didn't really matter, we were both super happy and loved up. A year on, you learn the best and the worst of a person, and you still keep on learning. We've been together one and a half years now, and whilst the honeymoon phase is over, whilst we still have things we need to improve upon, I think I can safely say there's far worse situations we could be in. Sure, the distance has been straining us both but more me specifically as of late, but if there were no distance? I think we'd be in a much better place. Because of all the bad experiences of guys in the past, and all the mistrust on my part, I wanted to find out early on whether or not what my SO and I felt was real or not. When I realised they were, because I knew he wouldn't make the first move having told me so (he wanted me to make my mind up without pushing me into a corner) I also realised I couldn't bear the thought of him with another woman. I wanted to be girlfriend. He'd already told me his heart was mine and mine alone... what sense was there in waiting? That's how we started out. Honestly, I hate social labels and have no need for them.... you're either together or you're not, dating, relationship, marriage, whatever.

[Katy_G]

The actual terminology varies from couple to couple. Admittedly nowadays there's a load attached to the words 'girlfriend', 'boyfriend', 'significant other' and 'relationship'. What is more important is that you're both on the same page as to what you are, and agree that there is a degree of exclusivity evolved.

In our case we started off as friends, then as friends/confidants who were talking every night. I realized to some degree that it was an LDR without us saying anything, but I wasn't about to ask him about it. However we soon found out that love was mutual, and at that moment it became important to define what we were. Were we going to carry on as we were, or were we going to make it official? We chose the latter.

[Jelly11]

Thanks for all the helpful and insightful replies.

Interestingly we were talking on the phone last night and he mentioned something about his friends "going steady", and I asked what going steady meant (we don't use that in the UK) and he said "it's when you're no longer dating and you're together, like us". So that just confuses me because if he sees us as no longer dating and being together then how is that different to a relationship at all??

It's all individual. Like completely individual and depends on a couple.

In my case, we are unofficially official and that's what we tell people and it will be absolutely official and many more people will hear about it after we meet for the first time. Though we are not actively hiding anything either~
But a question, what does that specific label change for you? Is it really that important?

There is no specified time to become official or specified way any relationship should be, LD or CD. If he doesn't want it, which I think he clearly doesn't, I don't think you should rush him. Maybe you could have a talk about what relationships mean to both of you and everything, and find out how he differentiates a relationship from an exclusive dating. Because you know, he could be associating a relationship to something more than to what you do. But honestly? "I don't know what to say, you know how I feel about labels but I really like you and I'm not seeing anyone else." kind of shows that he's not ready yet whatsoever~



What difference does it being LDR make? Me and my SO were in a "relationship" but not a committed one in the beginning, which is the same as exclusive dating, I think.

I get that he's not ready. That is what bothers me. I guess I just want to know why the label is such a big deal for him. It is important to be in the sense of knowing where we stand. Maybe I have some insecurity issues, but I don't think I'm the only one who would want a relationship to be defined at some stage.

And I don't know. This is my first long distance experience and it seems like the "dating" stage is different because it's not like you can regularly go on a date in this situation.

He really likes you and isn't seeing anyone else, so what's the problem, really? How much more clarification or security will a label give you? Words can easily deceive, but actions do not. I "dated" exclusively at the beginning of my LDR, it lasted a pretty long time and naturally morphed into what it is now, and we've been together seven years, Why would an LDR be any different in this regard? Other than miles, it's still guys and girls trying to figure things out. He's not ready to call what you have a relationship, but the reality of it is, that's what you have, so don't worry about it so much. He'll realize it eventually, give him his space to do that or you may lose him.

It's like what I said above. I like what I have with him. I just like knowing where I stand. I have read about other couples who actually never have the relationship talk at all, and one day it just becomes obvious that is what you've morphed into. I suspect we will end up like that, where one day he will refer to me as his girlfriend and I'll be like...oh. Cool.

My s/o and I met on a dating site and talked extensively about what it was we were looking for before even meeting up, and then it took 3 dates before we decided to become official. I think that took about 2 months total.

I agree with the posters above, but also want to include an anecdote in the opposite direction.
A friend of mine dated a guy for two years. First, he was too afraid to call her his girlfriend because "labels freak him out" and he'd "never had a girlfriend before". Then, after about 9 months, saying "I love you" freaked him out. Couldn't say it. Had to say stupid shit like "olive juice", and even then only sparingly because he'd get all weird. Then suddenly she was his girlfriend and he loved her, then after a few months, couldn't say that. Labels and the l-word were scary boogeymen for two years. If she tried to ask him about what he was feeling about her and the relationship, he would be all "weeeeh labeeellls"
He just wanted someone to play the role of girlfriend without worrying about the commitment involved in having one, and he didn't understand why she might have wanted something different. He was exclusive to her, but so long as there wasn't a label attached, he felt that he could leave whenever he wanted and it wouldn't be a big deal because she wasn't his girlfriend.


Don't rush someone, sure, but also know when you're with someone who's just not a good match for you because you're looking for two totally different things. If you think he's worth the wait, then play things cool and don't pressure him. Like others have said, he should come around. If it gets to a point where it's really not going how you want it to, and he's not about to change it, then don't feel obligated to stay.

Yes I know of that type of guy. I suppose the thing that leads me to thinking he isn't like that is because of how we met. We met on an online dating site. For one thing, he listed he wanted a long-term relationship, ignoring the other things of casual and short-term. And also when we met I remember asking him why he was on there and he said he was at an age where he wanted to have a serious relationship and was no longer happy being single. I suppose this is why I am so confused about it, because he always said he wanted a relationship.

Thanks for the short story though. I suppose there would be a point in time where he would be still being evasive and I'd lose patience and realise we probably don't want the same thing.

Maybe I'm off base, but I don't know what the heck the difference between "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship" would be. This may be because I'm great at being in a relationship but absolutely terrible at "dating."

For my part, it was important to me to define our relationship early on. I knew J on a friendship basis for a few years before our relationship turned to more around Christmas. We actually decided that we were in an exclusive relationship within about 5 weeks, which was when I visited his city for the first time. There are a few reasons it was important to me to define it, and while I think it was less important to him to define, I believe that it made things feel more real to both of us. We aren't engaged, and we haven't seriously talked about marriage yet (though I'd be just fine starting that talk any time, thankyouverymuch) but we are known among both of our social circles as a couple and I'm glad of that.

I don't know the difference really either. Haha, now you mention it I think I am good at being in a relationship and terrible at dating. I think the insecurity gets to me a bit too much with dating. And yes, it is nice to be known as a couple. It is nice to know that your friends know you have someone else...it elevates the status I think.

I think I get what you mean by "dating exclusively" and "in a relationship"... but then again, I'm not 100% sure.

My SO and I jumped straight in the deepend after only 2 weeks of knowing each other. Whether we were "just dating" or "in a relationship" didn't really matter, we were both super happy and loved up. A year on, you learn the best and the worst of a person, and you still keep on learning. We've been together one and a half years now, and whilst the honeymoon phase is over, whilst we still have things we need to improve upon, I think I can safely say there's far worse situations we could be in. Sure, the distance has been straining us both but more me specifically as of late, but if there were no distance? I think we'd be in a much better place. Because of all the bad experiences of guys in the past, and all the mistrust on my part, I wanted to find out early on whether or not what my SO and I felt was real or not. When I realised they were, because I knew he wouldn't make the first move having told me so (he wanted me to make my mind up without pushing me into a corner) I also realised I couldn't bear the thought of him with another woman. I wanted to be girlfriend. He'd already told me his heart was mine and mine alone... what sense was there in waiting? That's how we started out. Honestly, I hate social labels and have no need for them.... you're either together or you're not, dating, relationship, marriage, whatever.

So you never actually talked about what you were? You were just "together"? I kinda think that's what my SO is thinking.

The actual terminology varies from couple to couple. Admittedly nowadays there's a load attached to the words 'girlfriend', 'boyfriend', 'significant other' and 'relationship'. What is more important is that you're both on the same page as to what you are, and agree that there is a degree of exclusivity evolved.

In our case we started off as friends, then as friends/confidants who were talking every night. I realized to some degree that it was an LDR without us saying anything, but I wasn't about to ask him about it. However we soon found out that love was mutual, and at that moment it became important to define what we were. Were we going to carry on as we were, or were we going to make it official? We chose the latter.

We've definitely agreed on the exclusivity. That was extremely important for me.

And yeah...it's the making it official part I like. I don't know. It is just important to me. Maybe I'm not at a stage yet where it REALLY bothers me. But I don't like knowing someone isn't sure if they want to be with me. It might be a twisted way to think about it, but in my head that's essentially what it means.

[C.C.]

Labels confuse him? So don't mention it.

Just talk to him what exactly your current position is. Where you stand, as you have said, without mentioning the relationship status. Because that's what you want to know, right?
The label "relationship" is defined differently in every relationship, so you'd need to know what he thinks about you either way~

and IF what he says is different from what you feel, then you'll have to slow down as well if you are willing to make it work. I honestly don't think that 4 months is that much of a time. He probably wants to take it slow BECAUSE he is looking for something long term.

[QueenD]

Jelly11, it sounds like the main thing that's getting to you is the notion of things being "official". In my mind, the only real "official" thing is actually getting married because there are public records involved. It doesn't seem like you are trying to move towards marriage right away, so what is it that you mean by official?

If you mean stuff like official tags of the relationship on social media, I think you should really consider why that would be a hang up. I can't see the tagging part being a big deal if you two are on the same page and if you aren't hidden from the rest of his world (like he's never introduced you to a friend or all his friends/family think he's unattached.) Being hidden is unacceptable my but someone being private online about relationships is another thing entirely.

It sounds to me like you guys are exclusive, you agree you are exclusive, and you agree that this relationship is more significant than "just dating" which is a status that I think he sees as doing things together without being embedded in each other's lives and decisions. It also does NOT sound like you are hidden. If that is the case, I have to ask, what else do you want?

[Jelly11]

Jelly11, it sounds like the main thing that's getting to you is the notion of things being "official". In my mind, the only real "official" thing is actually getting married because there are public records involved. It doesn't seem like you are trying to move towards marriage right away, so what is it that you mean by official?

If you mean stuff like official tags of the relationship on social media, I think you should really consider why that would be a hang up. I can't see the tagging part being a big deal if you two are on the same page and if you aren't hidden from the rest of his world (like he's never introduced you to a friend or all his friends/family think he's unattached.) Being hidden is unacceptable my but someone being private online about relationships is another thing entirely.

It sounds to me like you guys are exclusive, you agree you are exclusive, and you agree that this relationship is more significant than "just dating" which is a status that I think he sees as doing things together without being embedded in each other's lives and decisions. It also does NOT sound like you are hidden. If that is the case, I have to ask, what else do you want?

I don't use social media and neither does he, so that's not my concern.

Official is more to do with how I'm referred to when he is with others. It would just be nice to be his girlfriend. I have no idea how he refers to me but I call him my boyfriend because it's a millon times easier than trying to explain, because he's more my boyfriend than friend.

I don't really know why it seems to be confusing to others why I would want to know where I stand with someone and why this bothers me. I think is perfectly normal to get to a point where you want some definition.

[C.C.]

I don't really know why it seems to be confusing to others why I would want to know where I stand with someone and why this bothers me. I think is perfectly normal to get to a point where you want some definition.

My SO told me yesterday that he can't wait till we meet up and become official. Because it's a sign of us being on another stage and stable enough to call each other that.
So I understand it even better now.

But as I said, just ask him how he feels about you two. Not whether he wants to move to a new stage of relationship or not. Because he is not experienced and he gets confused that way, imho. AND even relationship itself is defined differently by every couple and I don't think talking about "us" is wrong at any stage if it's just asking for answers rather than asking for him to do something.

[R&R]

I don't use social media and neither does he, so that's not my concern.

Official is more to do with how I'm referred to when he is with others. It would just be nice to be his girlfriend. I have no idea how he refers to me but I call him my boyfriend because it's a millon times easier than trying to explain, because he's more my boyfriend than friend.

I don't really know why it seems to be confusing to others why I would want to know where I stand with someone and why this bothers me. I think is perfectly normal to get to a point where you want some definition.

My SO and I decided to see each other exclusively pretty quickly. (Or, as your SO states - going steady, which is a term from the 50's for being bf/gf.) His terms for me would vary from "girlfriend", "my woman", "my lady", etc. It didn't really matter the terminology he used as they all got the point across. I simply called him boyfriend and now finace. You both know where you stand with each other and your definition is exclusively dating. If you want to call him your bf to others instead of going into the whole thing, then that's fine.

[aoitori]

I can totally understand what you're saying, it's just nice to be called 'girlfriend' in front of others, because then you know what you're at. There is commitment involved, not real commitment as in marriage, but certain values. I don't really get the dating culture. For me, if I decide on the first date I want to see that person again, I would totally abide from seeing anyone else before I've made up my mind completely. I don't fall in love easily but I make up my mind very quickly on what I want. It also avoids feeling sorry for anything.

For me and my SO, we were texting for months before we met, but we never really talked about getting together which was fine and I wouldn't have wanted to be "officially" in a relationship with someone I've never met. Japanese culture makes it so easy to distinguish though, because there is in any way a confession of how you feel and with this you start your relationship. He confessed to me after the first date, saying that he wants me to be his girlfriend if we could somehow live in the same country at some point. I said I'd want that too and asked him to wait for me. With this be both knew what we're at. Few weeks later my SO told me he told his best friends about his new girlfriend (me).

To be honest, I don't know if he's running away from responsibility or simply doesn't care about the label. All I know is it should be important to him if it's important to you.