Need advice - his ex wants to meet up

[Embozz]

My boyfriend told me today that his ex has messaged him wanting to meet up with him..
We have been together 3 years and he hasn't seen his ex in 5. I know they occasionally talk through Facebook but it doesn't bother me.
They're meeting for drinks at night which makes me nervous, I'm scared something will happen between them to be honest. He will probably be getting drunk, we live across the world from each other so we haven't seen each other in almost a year, so he's bound to be crazy sexually frustrated which I'm worried will make him do something stupid
I'm scared to talk about it with him because I don't want him to think I'm crazy and I definitely don't want him to think I don't want him to go!
If I lived in the same country as him I wouldn't care, it's the fact that I'm 10k miles away
I just have no idea what to do. what would you guys do in this situation??

[Teacherfairy]

This is a tricky one. Lots of people have friendships with their ex's and they are purely platonic. My previous SO was on good terms with his ex, but saying that they never met for drinks. I was ok with him being in touch with her but that was because he always told and she knew about me. Plus we have some mutual friends so I would have known if there was anything dodgy about it.

I assume she's aware he has a girlfriend?

[C.C.]

You don't trust him that he won't do anything with her. Most of our guys are sexually frustrated, doesn't mean they go and bang random (or non-random) girls! And no, living close or far from him wouldn't change anything. If a guy wants to cheat, he will do it sexually frustrated or not. Likewise if a guy is loyal, he won't whatever the case. They aren't some animals functioning on their desires.
That's what loyalty is about, especially in LDRs. And if you can't bring yourself to trust him or if he has ever given a reason not to before, then you two need a serious talk about trust issues, not about his ex.

[sasad]

Hmmm like TF sys... its kind of a tricky one. I have one ex that I still love dearly...not IN love with though. My SO would be fine with us going out for a drink or 3. We have a great history and broke up mutually. Plus they have met 4 or 5 times in the past. He is also now married. His current wife knows about me. just like my SO knows about him.

Now, if my SO wanted to hang out that way with a girl he hooked up with in the past... ummm no.. I would have an extremely hard time. Maybe friend his ex?

So, does she know about you? Are they like meeting at a bar with others etc? Why would he get drunk? I would hope to God he has a DD to take him home if that's his plan. And its ok to be worried, but if he is gonna cheat he either already would have or already planning it. Nothing you can do in a LDR or CD. Trust is trust, loyalty is loyalty..distance or none.

[R&R]

It all comes down to trust. Whether it's an ex or some random woman he meets when he's out for drinks with friends - if he is faithful, he will stay faithful, no matter who it may be. If you are uncomfortable with it, you can tell him it makes you uncomfortable but that doesn't mean he won't meet her for drinks. He needs to know you have trust in him and your relationship.

I'm friends with pretty much all of my ex's. If I went to CA to visit friends, I'd stay with my ex-husband. We are still good friends, he's still friends with my family, a lot of my things are still in CA in storage at his house and I even still have my housekey! My SO would be fine with it because he trusts me and knows that there is nothing romantic left between us.

[Chris516]

This reminds me of a situation I encountered back in 2002. It was a day I was seeing my (ex:divorced 2000)wife for some reason. I asked my (ex:2002-2007)fiance to wait in a bookstore not far from where I would see my (ex)wife. Because, I didn't want the two of them running into each other.

[sasad]

This reminds me of a situation I encountered back in 2002. It was a day I was seeing my (ex:divorced 2000)wife for some reason. I asked my (ex:2002-2007)fiance to wait in a bookstore not far from where I would see my (ex)wife. Because, I didn't want the two of them running into each other.

How does this help the OP? I don't think its anything like what she is going through tbh.....

[Chris516]

How does this help the OP? I don't think its anything like what she is going through tbh.....

I was just saying that I have been in a situation like that before. I wasn't offering an 'miracle' solutions.

[Honour]

Some ex's you can maintain a friendship with. Personally can't say I had much luck with it cause every ex was an "ex" for a reason, lol. But if you trust your SO, and they're honest/faithful etc. why not?

[Freebird]

My boyfriend told me today that his ex has messaged him wanting to meet up with him..
We have been together 3 years and he hasn't seen his ex in 5. I know they occasionally talk through Facebook but it doesn't bother me.
They're meeting for drinks at night which makes me nervous, I'm scared something will happen between them to be honest. He will probably be getting drunk, we live across the world from each other so we haven't seen each other in almost a year, so he's bound to be crazy sexually frustrated which I'm worried will make him do something stupid
I'm scared to talk about it with him because I don't want him to think I'm crazy and I definitely don't want him to think I don't want him to go!
If I lived in the same country as him I wouldn't care, it's the fact that I'm 10k miles away
I just have no idea what to do. what would you guys do in this situation??

I appreciate how open people are on this forum.

But personally, if this was me, I would not be comfortable with it and would hope my boyfriend would respect that.

Its not that I think my SO would cheat. I trust that he wouldn't. Its more of a respect thing. I believe remaining civil and platonic with ex's. I'm still friends with my ex's, he's still friends with his and that's perfectly fine. I do not believe going out for drinks with an ex is an appropriate situation, however.

I once got jealous that my boyfriend went out alone with a female friend. But he was so open about it, so upfront about it, and so honest. I realized I was overacting and it was silly of me to try to be so controlling.

But an ex? That's a different story. They have a romantic history. And its a no for me.

[sasad]

I was just saying that I have been in a situation like that before. I wasn't offering an 'miracle' solutions.

I just didn't see where your 'situation' was close to hers. She isn't 'hiding' anyone or trying to avoid anyone. Her concerns are what could happen if her SO meets up with one of his ex's... Just helping you by clarifying what was posted.

[whatruckus]

Agreed Freebird. I do have trust and insecurity issues that I know I need to get over, but I don't know. I guess it would honestly depend on the circumstances of the break up. I used to get upset when my former SO would hang out with female friends occasionally, mostly because I never knew about it until after the fact and that annoyed me (he was really sucky with communication, and would forget to tell me he was going out a lot, or when he disappear to take shower/make food/shoot Darts ). However, I had complete Faith and Trust in him. I did take one issue with his "best" friend because he had mentioned to me that during the course of their friendship, they thought about dating but "just didn't". So, I wasn't okay with that part. Plus, she mainly only called/messaged him when she was having relationship issues just to complain, and it always seemed to happen during our visits. Other than that, she never talked to him and he never talked to her (hence why I put "best" in quotes). Also, she never made an effort to get to know me, despite me making it known that I wanted to meet her since she's been a part of his life for a very long time. She only referred to me as "The Girlfriend". Never by my name to him.

That being said, I wouldn't forbid your SO from hanging out with her, but I'd definitely make it known that I wasn't comfortable with it if I were you. There's no harm in saying that it makes you slightly uncomfortable, you can't help how you feel. But, do understand that he is with you for a reason, and not his ex. I would just make sure they hung out in a public place, not one-on-one, and no heavy drinking or shots involved. A lot of people get weird after they've been drinking a lot, maybe your SO doesn't, but who knows about his ex. Also, maybe try to get to know her? You never know, she might actually become a good friend of yours and understand when there's an issue with your SO.

[C.C.]

Making it known that one isn't comfortable or okay with their SO meeting an ex is more than okay.

But I don't know, it seems to me that the OP has got quite some trust issues, the "ex" case just brought it up to the surface, imo. And the only way to deal with it is to communicate openly. I would never be comfortable with my SO doing the same, but I wouldn't actually go and think he'd cheat because of that.

[Chris516]

I just didn't see where your 'situation' was close to hers. She isn't 'hiding' anyone or trying to avoid anyone. Her concerns are what could happen if her SO meets up with one of his ex's... Just helping you by clarifying what was posted.

I wasn't hiding anyone either. The indirect similarity is a meeting between two people with potentially bad repercussions. Where her concern is about her boyfriend getting drunk and potentially doing something with his ex-gf, that he probably wouldn't do if he were not to get drunk. I just didn't want my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance meeting each other. Since it was going to be a short meeting. Because my (ex)wife could have scared my (ex)fiance. Just by my (ex)wife's behavior. She has developmental problems that can cause her to react poorly. When we got divorced, she hugged n' cried on the shoulder of every female relative there in support. My (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance could have set each other off.

[C.C.]

There's nothing particularly wrong with your post Chris, but it is out of place.

There's not even indirect similarity between two people, one of which might potentially scare the other, meeting each other and between two people with romantic past meeting up, especially when the OP is scared of something sexual happening in between them!
Taking out important parts which define the nature of an event and its possible influence and saying it that way is not correct.
There's nothing wrong in posting about a similar situation which the OP can relate to, but they wouldn't feel anything close to this if there were no possible fears of cheating. And you didn't even fear the meeting itself but your ex-fiance being scared.

And no matter what her problems were, it honestly weirds me out when you talk like that about your ex-wife. She might have been a terrible partner, but it it ok to go and judge her based on her developmental problems?