Deal breakers in past relationships

[whatruckus]

These were my deal breakers in my last relationship:

-Getting upset with me over the most minor things. I mean, really the smallest things he would get annoyed over. Like the time that I crossed the street before him, or the time I was "too slow" picking up a spoon I had dropped on the floor.

-Major insecurity and abandonment issues: My ex's mom died when he was a teenager, and his dad traveled around the world for his job and literally wasn't physically around while he was growing up, so I understand his abandonment issues. But, he took his issues out on me by constantly complaining I was neglecting him, even just by waking up in the morning to go to the bathroom without cuddling with him first, or not being at the door when he came home from work/school.

-Wanting me to be perfect all the time. He admitted this isn't very fair of him, and was the reason that basically all of his exes broke up with him. He expected me to be perfect all the time and would get upset if I made mistakes. Again, I think this stems from his insecurity issues.

-A negative attitude in general. He was always such a negative nancy, always fearing/expecting the worst and never saw the positive side of things. As an optimist myself, it became draining over time.

-Refusing to meet my friends/spend time with my family. Whenever he came to visit me, he never wanted to meet my friends. I would make plans for us to meet for dinner with my friends, and 99% of the time he backed out last minute, leaving me scrambling to come up with excuses for him. He also acted like spending time with my family was like torture. I know my family isn't perfect and kinda weird, but it hurt when he would say negative things about them and complain about having to meet with them. I think he has social anxiety, which I tried to be understanding about, but I think he also used it as a crutch to get out of things.

Deep down I know he is a really good guy, he just has so many issues that he's never resolved within himself, and they've spilled over into all of his relationships. I really hope he can work on some things for his own sake.

Oh yea, you brought up a couple things that Mike did too. He was also a Negative Nancy when it came to a lot of things, and he refused to come visit me after he found out my brother and his boyfriend talked bad about his PTSD (they called him a Pus*y for having it, and I mistakenly told him because I was upset about it). He came up to my house 3 times. That was it. The entire 3 years. He hated my brother and his boyfriend. So, he never got close with my family and they didn't like that. Especially my dad. He kept comparing Mike to my ex, even though they weren't alike at all. It was really annoying.

[Harlequin]

he refused to come visit me after he found out my brother and his boyfriend talked bad about his PTSD (they called him a Pus*y for having it, and I mistakenly told him because I was upset about it).

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be around them, either. What a cruel and fucked up thing to say about someone. It sucks that it meant he wouldn't visit you, but I can see where he's coming from.

This was a thing? lol

Yeah. He was a guy I dated in college. He used to fart all the time, but originally he used to fart on me. Yelling at him didn't stop him, so one day, I made us something to eat that was really heavy on garlic. He farted on me, so I belched in his face. That got him to stop farting on me. Instead, he started going into my room, opening my closet, and farting on my clothes. He refused to stop. Like, adamantly refused to stop. He thought it was hilarious.

[whatruckus]

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be around them, either. What a cruel and fucked up thing to say about someone. It sucks that it meant he wouldn't visit you, but I can see where he's coming from.


Yeah. He was a guy I dated in college. He used to fart all the time, but originally he used to fart on me. Yelling at him didn't stop him, so one day, I made us something to eat that was really heavy on garlic. He farted on me, so I belched in his face. That got him to stop farting on me. Instead, he started going into my room, opening my closet, and farting on my clothes. He refused to stop. Like, adamantly refused to stop. He thought it was hilarious.

Yeah. The thing that annoyed me was the he absolutely refused to come up at all. Even if my brother and his boyfriend were in IN visiting his bf's family. Now, my brother bought his own house by the Poconos. It pissed me off too. But, I understood. My parents and my brothers didn't understand. I didn't tell my one brother that he was the reason why Mike wouldn't come up. The rest of my family felt like he should've came up, because they didn't understand. Mike told me he didn't want to cause problems, because he would've called out my brother and his boyfriend and maybe a fight would've ensued.

And, lmao about the farting thing. That's disgusting and extremely immature. Reminds me of the ex before Mike. He would burp ALL the time. And, it was embarrassing and loud, and he'd blow it in my face. Never mind that he never brushed his damn teeth, and he was a smoker.

[hmrambling]

My ex didn't respect my boundaries, and this was a deal breaker. She expected me to compromise myself for the relationship, including my values and morals. I was unwilling to continue a relationship with someone who would not respect my boundaries, constantly challenged my boundaries, and who expected me to compromise my morals and values.

[emsimes]

emsimes, do you think this is something he could have worked on if you had pointed it (maybe you did)? This is also something I see a lot in my SO and it's a constant struggle to make her focus on the positive aspects of things rather than the negative ones. Sometimes it's quite tiring. But I have also the impression that nowadays a majority of people are unable to focus on the positive.

I totally agree with you, it is very tiring and often frustrating. Especially being the person who always tried to be positive and lift the other person up. There's only so much you can do :/
I did bring up the subject with my ex, and he did acknowledge that he is a very negative person. But, he never really tried to change that. It was just his general attitude.

[emsimes]

Oh yea, you brought up a couple things that Mike did too. He was also a Negative Nancy when it came to a lot of things, and he refused to come visit me after he found out my brother and his boyfriend talked bad about his PTSD (they called him a Pus*y for having it, and I mistakenly told him because I was upset about it). He came up to my house 3 times. That was it. The entire 3 years. He hated my brother and his boyfriend. So, he never got close with my family and they didn't like that. Especially my dad. He kept comparing Mike to my ex, even though they weren't alike at all. It was really annoying.

I will admit that is an awful thing your brother and his bf said about your ex. But, that still shouldn't have stopped him from coming to visit you! I remember you always posting about having to drive to see him, and then you guys wouldn't do anything while you were there. Honestly you deserve so much better
Also, I understand what you mean about getting gifts. It feels petty to say, but it hurt me too when my ex never got me anything for Christmas, our anniversary, or my birthday. It's not like I expected anything expensive, either. Even a homemade gift would've been nice. He always said he felt bad when I brought up the subject, but nothing ever changed. I definitely hit my breaking point last Christmas when he was upset with me because he felt like I spent less money on his xmas gifts than the previous years, even though he hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas for 3 years

[C.C.]

emsimes, do you think this is something he could have worked on if you had pointed it (maybe you did)? This is also something I see a lot in my SO and it's a constant struggle to make her focus on the positive aspects of things rather than the negative ones. Sometimes it's quite tiring. But I have also the impression that nowadays a majority of people are unable to focus on the positive.

I don't think a negative person should always change. Negativity and pessimism WITHIN boundaries is just another trait, imo. And just as extreme positivity can be unhealthy so is negativity when it passes those bounds.
I suppose, in emsimes' case it was beyond boundaries generally, because of all the insecurities he had and all, so no arguing about that. But generally it is just another difference in characters that should either be worked on and found a compromise about or just accepted.
Honestly, positivity isn't "the right way" or anything for everyone even if it's "positive".
For example, I try my best to see positive in current events but I always expect the worst and prepare myself for it. It's what works for me emotionally, so~

[whatruckus]

I will admit that is an awful thing your brother and his bf said about your ex. But, that still shouldn't have stopped him from coming to visit you! I remember you always posting about having to drive to see him, and then you guys wouldn't do anything while you were there. Honestly you deserve so much better
Also, I understand what you mean about getting gifts. It feels petty to say, but it hurt me too when my ex never got me anything for Christmas, our anniversary, or my birthday. It's not like I expected anything expensive, either. Even a homemade gift would've been nice. He always said he felt bad when I brought up the subject, but nothing ever changed. I definitely hit my breaking point last Christmas when he was upset with me because he felt like I spent less money on his xmas gifts than the previous years, even though he hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas for 3 years

Yeah. Mike didn't like that I spent money on him, because he always felt bad. He would get me things for Christmas, but it wasn't anything really meaningful, it was just...stuff. I mean, I liked what he got me, but I always wanted something that had meaning. Something that showed me how much he loved me and meant something to the both of us. The only thing he gave me was that dipped rose and the card he wrote to go with it. I still have it, but I constantly debate if I should just give it back to him. I also understood that he really didn't have any money to even get me those things, but I would've rather something cheap, that had meaning. I mean, I guess I should be happy because all the stuff he did get for me were things that I had mentioned to him that I thought were really cute and awesome and he remembered that. Oh boy, I just came to a realization that was his way of showing me. Ugh.

When he was in a "good" place mentally, he was very romantic and thoughtful. Otherwise, he just seemed like he didn't care. It was like every little thing stressed him out, and when he would get stressed, he got depressed, and when he got depressed, he didn't care about anything. Those times he came up were when he wasn't depressed and he was in one of those "good" places. That's why it hurts so much for me, and I'm having a hard time letting go. I know he can be a great guy, and a great boyfriend...when he's not depressed. But, he's hardly ever depressed because he's so easily triggered by stress and anxiety. One thing will make him mad, and it'll just snowball. We had a lot of talks about this subject and how he gets, and he knows it's an issue, but then it depresses him to think about so he does nothing to get help.

It's a really ugly and annoying cycle, but the only person who could bring himself out of it is him and I don't think he ever will. I'm also not making excuses for him either. I know I deserve way better, and I need someone better.

And, I'm still annoyed at your ex too. I can't believe he got mad about that. I just don't know what he was even thinking.

[sasad]

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be around them, either. What a cruel and fucked up thing to say about someone. It sucks that it meant he wouldn't visit you, but I can see where he's coming from.

I agree... I see where he is coming from too.. I wouldn't want to be around anyone calling PTSD people p*ssies.. or anyone with mental issues tbh. That's f-ed up.

[C.C.]

Yeah. Mike didn't like that I spent money on him, because he always felt bad. He would get me things for Christmas, but it wasn't anything really meaningful, it was just...stuff. I mean, I liked what he got me, but I always wanted something that had meaning. Something that showed me how much he loved me and meant something to the both of us. The only thing he gave me was that dipped rose and the card he wrote to go with it. I still have it, but I constantly debate if I should just give it back to him. I also understood that he really didn't have any money to even get me those things, but I would've rather something cheap, that had meaning. I mean, I guess I should be happy because all the stuff he did get for me were things that I had mentioned to him that I thought were really cute and awesome and he remembered that. Oh boy, I just came to a realization that was his way of showing me. Ugh.

I love meaningful cheap gifts as well, but not all people can just do it. It requires creative thinking and confidence in the fact that the other will like it. It's not easy for everyone to express their love and care in physical stuff. I can easily, for example, I draw, not super well but enough to express my emotions with it when the words fail me. But my SO sure has trouble of doing it any way possible. Well, I'll wait and see till November to properly judge it, but still.

When he was in a "good" place mentally, he was very romantic and thoughtful. Otherwise, he just seemed like he didn't care. It was like every little thing stressed him out, and when he would get stressed, he got depressed, and when he got depressed, he didn't care about anything. Those times he came up were when he wasn't depressed and he was in one of those "good" places. That's why it hurts so much for me, and I'm having a hard time letting go. I know he can be a great guy, and a great boyfriend...when he's not depressed. But, he's hardly ever depressed because he's so easily triggered by stress and anxiety. One thing will make him mad, and it'll just snowball. We had a lot of talks about this subject and how he gets, and he knows it's an issue, but then it depresses him to think about so he does nothing to get help.

It's a really ugly and annoying cycle, but the only person who could bring himself out of it is him and I don't think he ever will. I'm also not making excuses for him either. I know I deserve way better, and I need someone better.

These are good enough reasons and thinking, though

[snow]

The main issues were
- thinking buying me expensive gifts would substitute for attention and affection
- not letting me talk to guys/anyone online
- not letting me play games by myself
- different libido - as in his was so low I had to wait 3 months at a time
- his "raging humor", thinking that raging over every little things was funny
- complaining when I wore makeup / skirts because he wanted no other guy to notice me

[kittyxuchiha11]

The main issues were
- thinking buying me expensive gifts would substitute for attention and affection
- not letting me talk to guys/anyone online
- not letting me play games by myself
- different libido - as in his was so low I had to wait 3 months at a time
- his "raging humor", thinking that raging over every little things was funny
- complaining when I wore makeup / skirts because he wanted no other guy to notice me

Oh god I dated a girl like this who controlled everything i did and wore because she was so insecure and constantly accused me of cheating if i even talked to someone she didn't know properly. she was an absolute nightmare, thank god i got out of that one >.<

[Chris516]

This is not really LDR-related but I didn't know where to post it.

I would be curious to hear from other people the reasons that led them to break up in past relationships. By this I don't include the "he/she cheated on me", or "we had a huge fight and it was just one too many". I would like to hear about times people thought "because of X, I think this person is not the person I should be with", what was X?

I'm asking because when I broke up with my ex, I had a lot of reasons to do it, some related to things she did to me, and some related to traits of her behavior. After that I thought "I should be careful with the next person I'm with, that she doesn't have such traits". Yet my SO does share some traits with my ex, starting with being pathologically late all the time, and complaining a lot. That being said, contrary to my ex, she is very honest, very emphatic, kind, and hard working.

This makes me think that there might be some defaults that can be compensated by other qualities. For you, has there ever been a default that you knew was a dealbreaker, and that could not be compensated by anything, making you certain that the person you were with was not the right one?

Well, In the case of my (ex)wife. She left me.

She had always said, 'I am not disabled', but I knew she was in some way. I have been physically disabled(brain aneurysm, hydrocephalus, epilepsy) all my life. Yet, I can still ride my (road)racing bike in hi-speed traffic and play the drums. A year into the separation, I was hoping to reconcile.

That was, until she told me that she had always wanted my disabilities to "just go away". When I heard that. Instead of wanting to reconcile. I now wanted a divorce ASAP. Even though we were separated, she begged me not to divorce her. I told her that my disabilities have always existed, and have no cures.

She accused me of being 'controlling', yet, when I gave her 'control', she wanted none of it.

The day of the divorce, she ran around to every supportive family member there, even on my side of the family. Balling her eyes out, repeatedly. I was utterly disgusted. She was the one who left me, yet she does this at the divorce.

It wasn't until several years later that, her parents' finally admitted that, she has some emotional problems. Their family dynamic, where she was concerned. Was to chew her out worse than her younger brother n' younger step-siblings. When were married, I tried to put stop to how they treated her, once-and-for-all. But she refused to not be able to talk to her parents'. Almost like she relished being chewed out. Up until her comment about my health, I had never felt the way I do today(she made the comment twenty years ago). I refuse to be in the same room with her, and I won't speak to her on the phone, or by any other means.

My marriage awakened me to, how slanted society is, when it comes to someone seeking help. Men(single fathers' or not) are left out in the cold. While women(single mothers or not) have numerous resources which to utilize. So, The next long-term(not long-distance) relationship I was in, I didn't let myself be emotionally 'steam-rolled' again.