Understanding her

[sunmat]

It's 8pm in Chicago (where I am), 4am in Romania where my SO supposedly sleeps. A few hours earlier we have talked on Skype and everything was fine. Now (a few minutes ago) I got a text on WhatsApp from her. She lost her MP3 player, tried to find it in the living room, got yelled at by her dad for waking him up, and now she's complaining about it to me on WhatsApp and goes on complaining about everything that goes wrong in her life. That happens, it's not the first time. But this time for every single answer that I make I get a nasty response. During her flow of about 30 messages I got the chance to send about 3 or 4. For each of them I got a hurtful comment back ("how did you lose it?" => "damn you ask the silliest questions sometimes", or later "I was just trying to find something positive to say to comfort you" => "don't, you're not good at it"). It's 4am for her, I think it's also the beginning of "that time of the month", so I take the hit and don't fight, but my evening is ruined now, I'm in such a crappy mood that I can't do anything anymore.

She reminds me of my mom, who often let it out verbally on me, my dad, or my brothers, when being upset at things unrelated to us. My SO being my first long-term relationship I have to ask: is that common practice for women (or maybe people in general) to let it out occasionally on the one they love? (sorry, I don't mean to generalize but I'd really like to have feedback from people on this site regarding whether they sometimes also let it out on their SO for no reason)

I'm also thinking of bringing it up to her tomorrow on Skype. I think she needs to understand my way of handling arguments more generally and my way of "taking hits". She comes from a relationship in which they were fighting all the time so it was pretty easy for her to know when she had hurt her boyfriend. With me, I don't see the point in fighting 99% of the time. Have I said something wrong? Fine, I'll apologize. Should I have done something differently? Fine, I'll do it differently the next time. But it doesn't mean I don't get hurt if she points out those things in a bad way (like yelling / accusing me). She started noticing it during my last visit, when she accused me of having forgotten something at home as we were on the road. I remained silent, it bugged her and an hour later she apologized for having accused me of it, said she was as guilty of forgetting as I was, and also said it was very disturbing for her that I didn't fought back.

Does anyone have experience of having different ways of fighting (or avoiding fight) and had such a discussion with their SO?

[sasad]

Nope. Not normal. Yes, we have pms, bad days etc., but it is never ever ok to verbally attack/abuse another person.
I let stuff out with my SO, but never ever do I belittle him. When I am upset, I usually am down on myself or angry at others. Why would I ever pit down my best support system???
You need to talk to her and let her know it's not ok to talk to you that way. That it is mean and it is very hurtful.

If it is a habit of hers to fight that way, then she needs to learn a more constructive way. I sum times go "to the dark side" with stuff in my life, but I turn on myself and not others. My SO has a buzz word...that we agreed on, that when I start going down, he says and I will actually stop and think where I am going.

So yes, talk to her. Carefully. You don't want her to take it as an attack. The best way to say things is with "I feel like this when this happens" vs " Yoi make me feel this when this happens". Keep the focus on you. Or seek third party help,
I hope it works out for you. That kind of disrespect is so unhealthy in a realationship.

[sunmat]

Well she apologized first thing in the morning, saying she had been mean and she is sorry, that I am actually very helpful and supportive. So that's good if she can recognize it by herself. I'll still talk with her about it on Skype, and yes, I'll be very "diplomatic". We have discussed in the past our ways of dealing with problems and I already told her that what she was used to with her ex will not work well with me. Now she has actual examples of disagreements so I think it's important to bring up the subject again.

[liverose20]

I totally agree with Sasad, It's not normal.. each individual is unique, meaning its probably her way of showing her frustrations.. but she should take in considerations how she's hurting you by reacting the way she does.
We girls like to complain, Yep and we love to see that our partners are willing to listen. but that doesn't mean we take our frustrations on them or maybe blame them.
It's good that she apologizes and acknowledge you supporting her. But still, she has to learn how to control herself when she's mad.. You are maybe a very understanding and patient, but your patience might run out.
Just communicate to her and make her understand on how you think she should to deal with her frustrations.

[Chris516]

When you say it was 99% of the time. Was it the family dynamic, that everyone in her family would fight with each other, or her fighting with everyone?

[Katy_G]

It's good that you and your SO are able to communicate about this issue. It will help you two work out how to better manage your fights, disagreements and those 'off' days.

I've had the experience of, unfortunately, taking a lot of my stress and drama out on my SO. Now usually he tries to be the calm one, almost too rational whenever these mood swings and dark days happen. Usually that helps me come around and realize where the problem really is, and thus start fixing it.

[sunmat]

When you say it was 99% of the time. Was it the family dynamic, that everyone in her family would fight with each other, or her fighting with everyone?

I meant "99% of the time, I don't see the point of fighting" (not that we were fighting 99% of the time).

[Redheart14]

I agree with the others, it's ok to vent to your SO but this is different. Use the "I " statements as suggested and see if you get anywhere. Let us know how it goes.