My new ish relationship just turned into an LDR. Help!

[Fldancer90]

I'm so thankful that I found this website! I've been dating my boyfriend for about four months now and I've been really enjoying our time together. We originally met online in January but finally made the plunge to meet in May. He's a great guy and I can see him in my future. We're both in a good place in our life and reaching a point where we would like to find someone to settle down with.

Two weeks ago, he accepted a coaching position at a college about four hours from me and started work immediately. We had two great weekends together and I thought I would be able to keep my emotions at bay. But saying goodbye to him today was insanely difficult. We both work weekdays and he has tournaments these next four weekends which means neither of us can visit the other for at least a month.

I'm struggling pretty bad and he only left 6 hours ago. I know four hours is not a big distance but our schedules are going to cause a problem. I'm trying to remind myself how great our relationship was from January to May where we texted and talked on the phone before we met. I know that we can handle communicating that way.

With us being a newer couple, I worry what the distance will do. Any advice is greatly appreciated as we make this transition to a LDR. Seems like this community helps eachother!

[Redheart14]

Just find time to communicate where you can. Just a "hey I'm heading off to work, thinking of you. Have a great day" things like that. When things get easier after this month maybe you can try schedule a visit of some sort.

[Fldancer90]

Thank you for the great advice. I think small moments like those kind of texts will make such a difference. I've always had a lot of anxiety when it came to dating because I've had a pretty bad track record of being ghosted by guys. It's been a slow process with this guy to stop myself from thinking negatively and that he's just going to change his mind and walk away. I was making great progress until this change. I think I'm worried about the "out of sight, out of mind" concept so I want to be sure I'm doing enough to keep this going well without too much and pushing him away. This relationship is still pretty new.

[Redheart14]

What about the "absence makes the heart grow fonder" concept? Don't overthink things. If you feel worried that's what this site is for. Everyone here is in the same boat. Don't let your worries ruin things. It'll be fine.

[Fldancer90]

That's my biggest problem. I've always over thought things and I haven't been able to figure out how to stop doing that.

He's only been gone for a day and a half and I've already convinced myself he's losing interest. He isn't a big texter and not hearing from him causes doubts for me. But he's never been a big texter and I do this freak out thing all the time and then it turns out perfectly okay.

I miss him terribly and I just hope he's missing me too.

[sasad]

Please find stuff to keep you busy with your life. He is starting a new position in a new place etc. He has a lot on his plate.
So many relationships end up failing because of lack of communication-don't get that mixed up with casual texts- I mean by really talking to each other and expressing needs and thoughts. Some people become excessive and obsessive about texting to the point where they have no life, think their SO is losing interest, and end up pushing away the one they love. That's why a lot of people ghost... It's an ugly circle that needs to be broken.. Can you find someone professionally to talk to?
I think R&R said it in another post best..you should enhance each other's lives, not be their lives..

[TaraMarie]

That's my biggest problem. I've always over thought things and I haven't been able to figure out how to stop doing that.

He's only been gone for a day and a half and I've already convinced myself he's losing interest. He isn't a big texter and not hearing from him causes doubts for me. But he's never been a big texter and I do this freak out thing all the time and then it turns out perfectly okay.

I miss him terribly and I just hope he's missing me too.

You guys are lucky. You are close enough to meet for dinner and a movie. Isn't Jacksonville a little over half way for you? You can do this. Can't you go to his tournaments and surprise him?

[Fldancer90]

You're absolutely right. There's definitely a fear for me of feeling neglected and then trying too hard to compensate for that. He's got a lot of exciting and stressful stuff going on as he begins this new job. We've talked about what we both need from the relationship in order to stay happy while it's long distance. Mine, not surprisingly, was about keeping the communication going because it's easy to get caught up in life in our own cities. His was about having support from his SO. It seems like his first LDR didn't go too well because his ex wasn't supportive or understanding of his busy schedule and stressful job. He's been trying to communicate more with me after this conversation and I need to work on being as supportive as possible.

[Fldancer90]

As far as LDR go, we are very lucky. Four hours is nothing. I think the problem will come from schedules. All four of his tournaments in September are at other universities so surprise visits aren't really pratical. If he were at his school and in a routine, I'd absolutely go. That's what I'm hoping for as the months go on. That we'll find easier ways to make visits happen. I have no problem going up on a Sunday afternoon, taking Monday off of work, and coming back late Monday night. My fear is that I don't want to be too forward, too pushy, too serious too soon. We're still such a new relationship and I'm afraid of screwing it up. My insecurities come out in full force and I fear him changing his mind about us.

[R&R]

I think it's important to realize that schedules can be conflicting in CD relationships as well. My best friend works 8-5 and her husband works overnights. He's getting home as she walks out the door and he's getting ready for work when she gets home. (He has an hour commute each way as well.) Even living in the same household, you can still pass like two ships in the night.

You will learn as you go - both of you. Don't try to force things. Do what comes naturally as far as communication. If one of you ends up finding the other asking for too much or one is feeling neglected, then you can talk about it together to decide on a compromise.

[Fldancer90]

I think it's important to realize that schedules can be conflicting in CD relationships as well. My best friend works 8-5 and her husband works overnights. He's getting home as she walks out the door and he's getting ready for work when she gets home. (He has an hour commute each way as well.) Even living in the same household, you can still pass like two ships in the night.

You will learn as you go - both of you. Don't try to force things. Do what comes naturally as far as communication. If one of you ends up finding the other asking for too much or one is feeling neglected, then you can talk about it together to decide on a compromise.

That's a very good point about the CD relationships too. Every relationship has its struggles and is not perfect when it comes to time frame. But it does make that time together more special if its with someone you care about.

I've been working on my insecurities (these have been around before the relationship turned long distance) because they result in me creating problems when they aren't there. I've been ghosted by a lot of guys so I always second guess how guys feel about me. With this guy, it's been four AMAZING months (4 months today actually!!) but I do have dark moments where I don't hear from him and I start to think he's changed his mind. This is me over-analyzing and creating problems when they aren't there and I'm working on it. But its so hard because of my past. Now with the long distance, the insecurities are elevated. I just want to make sure that I am keeping my emotions in check and I don't know what emotions are normal in newly LDR.

[R&R]

That's a very good point about the CD relationships too. Every relationship has its struggles and is not perfect when it comes to time frame. But it does make that time together more special if its with someone you care about.

I've been working on my insecurities (these have been around before the relationship turned long distance) because they result in me creating problems when they aren't there. I've been ghosted by a lot of guys so I always second guess how guys feel about me. With this guy, it's been four AMAZING months (4 months today actually!!) but I do have dark moments where I don't hear from him and I start to think he's changed his mind. This is me over-analyzing and creating problems when they aren't there and I'm working on it. But its so hard because of my past. Now with the long distance, the insecurities are elevated. I just want to make sure that I am keeping my emotions in check and I don't know what emotions are normal in newly LDR.

Congrats on the 4 months.

We all learn things from past relationships. Things that went well and we liked and things that didn't go so well that we don't want to repeat. We just have to make sure that we don't let things that happened to us by other people cause us to doubt our current SO. The ex's and the current SO are different people, so we have to trust unless they give us a reason not to. The good thing is, the new SO may never, ever give you a reason not to trust him.
Sometimes keeping a person journal to write things else will help you to process your emotions.