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Searching for advice for the phone call.

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    #1

    Searching for advice for the phone call.

    It's been about a month since my boyfriend moved away and the past couple weeks have been very hard. I posted in another thread that I've been feeling neglected and like he isn't putting effort in. We talk when I make the effort to text him or call him right now. When I do reach out, conversation flows easily and everything seems fine.

    This past week was very difficult and our conversation was extremely limited which meant that I was in a pretty rough place towards the end of the week. I know that he's incredibly swamped with his new job and figuring out his life in his new city, but I need more from him because right now I feel like I'm nothing to him.

    I'd like to have a conversation with him tonight and bring up my concerns about our communication. I'm worried about how to bring it up because I don't want to be another thing that's overwhelming him right now by seeming like I'm nagging him or that I'm not being understanding.

    I was thinking of going into the conversation by focusing on asking what he'd like from me at this time. Does he want me to continue reaching out like I have been and keeping the conversation going right now even though he's busy? Does he need me to be supportive through ALL of this but more understanding that he cannot text very often with the new job. Stuff like that- focusing first on me and how I can accommodate his lifestyle change.

    But then I'm not sure how to bring up what I need without it being negative. He and his ex broke up when they turned long distance and he's kind of hinted that when they'd go long days without talking and they finally had time to catch up, it would just been an argument over how they weren't talking enough.

    So far through our relationship, he's never had to doubt my feelings or commitment to him. He's known I was sticking around. The couple times we've talked about communication (because he's not a huge texter to begin with) he tries so hard to fix it for a week or two but then falls back into his old patterns. The last time he even asked if he was doing a better job or initiating because he liked knowing it made my day. But I think because he's never wondered if I was sticking around, he's not putting in as much effort as before.

    I'm treading lightly here because I know he's got a lot going on, but with how little we've been talking, it doesn't feel like a relationship or like he's missing me at all. I'm terrified to bring these concerns up and I'm not sure how! Any advice on how to word this stuff or questions to ask or ideas to give him on this phone call that can help keep this great guy in my life?
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    #2
    Dancer,

    Does he keep you posted on what he does every hour of the day? I commonly practice that with my love angel to save her the work of tracking me all the time. An informed lover is a better lover. Do everything together in love, take hold of each other with 100 percent love pulling each other in like twin stars to become one powerful entity, focus on one another!
    Last edited by UnknownBuddy; September 18, 2016, 10:04 PM.

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      #3
      Originally posted by UnknownBuddy View Post
      Dancer,

      Does he keep you posted on what he does every hour of the day? I commonly practice that with my love angel to save her the work of tracking me all the time. An informed lover is a better lover. Do everything together in love, take hold of each other with 100 percent love pulling each other in like twin stars to become one powerful entity, focus on one another!
      I apologize for sounding mean, but that's terrible advice. I see your relationship is only a few weeks old, so maybe you can inform your "love angel" of your status hourly, but that's completely impractical as your relationship continues. Once you move past the first stages of puppy love, and your responsibilities need tending to, and reality creeps back in, trying to keep that up will be all but impossible. You'll completely disagree of course, but in a year or so, if you're still in your relationship, you'll understand what I mean.
      Last edited by Moon; September 18, 2016, 10:43 PM.
      Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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        #4
        Moon,

        I wonder what your GF does behind your back. Your words do not exist, keep your trash garbage comments to yourself, the world is a better place without them.

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          #5
          OP: I think the best way to get this conversation going on the right note would be to ask something along the lines of "How do you want me to help you through this?" That way you give your SO the opportunity to let you know his side of the story, and bring up how he feels you can support him best in your situation.

          From there on it may be easier to make a plan on how you two will keep connected. It doesn't have to be as often as every hour, but it has to be at least fairly regular enough for both of you to count on having this time together.
          Last edited by Katy_G; September 18, 2016, 11:08 PM.

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            #6
            Originally posted by UnknownBuddy View Post
            Moon,

            I wonder what your GF does behind your back. Your words do not exist, keep your trash garbage comments to yourself, the world is a better place without them.
            Hahahahaha!!! You silly, sappy boy Firstly I'm a woman, secondly I am a veteran of the LDR world, who gives excellent, pertinent advice, just check my rep points for proof. Thirdly, you're actually advising people to become slaves instead of partners. The world is much better without your inexperienced, immature advice, son. I have every right to comment on your post, whether you like it or not. You shouldn't be so rude and ugly when someone disagrees with you, this IS the internet.
            Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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              #7
              Moon,

              Every step I take on this earth is on a battle ground called your face. Forever and ever my friend!

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                #8
                I have to agree with moon on this one. Unknown, your advice no matter how you may personally perceive it is completely impractical. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to be on your own and enjoy your own things a part as well as enjoy quality time with your party, which you can't do if you are blowing up their phone telling them everything you're doing at every waking hour.
                Perhaps you find this cute now but later on in the relationship you may find out just how impractical it is.

                Calling other people's opinions "trashbag" isn't a good way of trying to debate or get your point across.
                "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by UnknownBuddy View Post
                  Moon,

                  Every step I take on this earth is on a battle ground called your face. Forever and ever my friend!
                  Thanks for making me reminisce about being in third grade again! Go away kid, you're annoying. How very unchristian for someone with a cross as a signature! That's the last communication I have with you, you aren't even amusing enough to waste time on. Good luck with your "love angel"
                  Our separation of each other is an optical illusion of consciousness. ~Albert Einstein

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                    #10
                    Moon, don't bother to respond. It's been reported.

                    OP - relationships go through ebbs and flows. A short time of little communication while he is getting settled is normal. Once he gets more settled, the talks will probably pick up again. Give it a little more time before you have the talk with him. I know it can be frustrating, but there are times when our SO's needs come first and we take a bit of a backseat for a little while. It's normal for couples to give and take and support one another.
                    To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                    ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

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                      #11
                      Unconditional,

                      Teaming two against one is fine because it only fans the flame to keep it going. Hopefully your children don't turn out as ugly as your personality. Also, no one will cry when you die. Have a nice day.

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                        #12
                        Originally posted by UnknownBuddy View Post
                        Unconditional,

                        Teaming two against one is fine because it only fans the flame to keep it going. Hopefully your children don't turn out as ugly as your personality. Also, no one will cry when you die. Have a nice day.
                        I don't have enough time in the world to give to this and yet it'd be a waste if I did.
                        "We are beings attracted to the essence of hope, and life is the all encompassing hope that everything can change; that everything can be better."

                        Comment

                          #13
                          OP, moving to a new city and adapting to a new routine are incredibly time consuming. From your post, it sounds like he still wants to talk to you and enjoys it. Be supportive and ask how your can make his life easier. Time spent communicating may be slow for now, but it's temporary. Do let him know how you feel about his lack of communication, but try not to let your feelings take precedence over his needs. At this point, it sounds like he could really use your unconditional support.

                          And it definitely sounds like you mean a great deal to him. He knows you prefer more communication and is making an effort to communicate more. To me, that says a lot in how much he wants your happiness as well.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            I reported him before all this happened. He seemed like some kind of troll or a really elaborate spam bot, I am never sure in these things, though. But his posts weren't even an advice and it all seemed off/creepy. Oh and he thanked EVERY new post too.

                            Don't take his insults seriously, people~

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Lol, I was gonna say... that escalated rather quickly.

                              Anyways, back on topic: OP, I agree with everyone else. I think maybe your SO is just trying to get settled in. If this continues though, I think you should probably have a talk with him. He could just be trying to get everything done and a bit stressed. Keep us posted!

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