Advice please - do I accept it's over and move on or contact him?

[ainoviere]

Hi all

I have/had been in a LDR for 5 months and things seemed perfect, despite the distance. Then in the 6th month he suddenly changed - became less attentive, stood me up on phone calls became less responsive to texts. I do believe he had been very busy at work not sure if that was the reason for the change in behaviour or something else. As far as I'm aware my behaviour has not changed.

In essence last time I got him on the call I asked what was going on and if (a) his feelings have changed and (b) he wants relationship to continue, and he answers "I don't know" to both. Then he says he needed time to sort out some stuff and hangs up. To make matters worse I asked him these questions while we were both in the same town (we both come from the same home town and happened to be there at the same time). I wanted to meet him in person but he wasn't setting a date with me. However he knew I was coming and knew I was there.

We never met up after that call. I've heard nothing from him since but nor have I contacted him due to his request for time. It's now been a month. My friends are saying to take his silence and the fact that he didn't catch up with me while I was in town as closure and to move on but I'm finding it very difficult to do so, especially when the change seemed to happen overnight.

So I'm told the reasons why this happens is that (a) he met someone else (b) the relationship got serious and he realises he's just not that into me or (c) something happened at work / life that caused him to cut me off (unrelated to me). He's not used to expressing his feelings and but is a good guy.

While I'm hurt and confused, deep down I'm still hoping the reason is (c) and that he was just (and still is) overwhelmed. For those more experienced than I, and based on what I've written, I am wondering if there's still any value in contacting him to ask for an explanation or at least try to clear the air. There is a loving from a distance blog post that suggests there may be some value in doing so (titled "He says he lost the feelings he had for me").

Any advice appreciated, thanks.

[Redheart14]

If after a month of no response I'd say take that as a sign it's over. If he still hasn't initiated contact after you've given him space I'd agree with what your friends are saying. That's just my perspective.

[Katy_G]

Given his rather non committal answers even before you two lost contact, it would be best to assume that he has no interest in furthering your relationship, and that it's time to let go. Again, also my opinion.

[Mims27]

I would definitely move on if I were you. Busy or not, a month without contact is not a relationship. The reasons don't matter at this point. You do deserve a one or an answer but at this point I don't think you'll get it.

[R&R]

I have to agree with the others. A month with no contact, especially after your last talk, really speaks for itself. Close that chapter and move forward with your own life.

[Moon]

Move on. Honestly, not making any plan to meet up while you were in the same place tells you everything you need to know, let alone the no contact for a month. You probably won't get the closure you want, since he can't even be man enough to break up properly, so just walk away. I'm sorry he was such a jerk

[Elisabeth]

OP, from what you've said, it sounds like it's over and time to move on. A month is a long time to go without any contact. Also, it sounds like he was losing interest before with rather ambivalent answers and not wanting to spend time with you in person. It's unfortunate that he couldn't give you the respect to call things off openly, and it's unlikely that you'll be able to get an answer of why.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I'm very sorry to hear about what's happened. I had a very very similar experience with my ex of three years and I know how painful it can be when you literally think that nothing is wrong and all of a sudden everything is wrong. All I can say to you is that it isn't you. I know it's easy to read that and thing it and yet still not believe it, but please believe it. IT ISN'T YOU. People will try to convince you that it is you. You said something or did something or were not something that he needed, but the fact of the matter is that there is nothing that you could have said or done. He may very well be the one for you, but something happened with him that made him retreat. It could have been anything and you may never know. That's hard to accept, but you have to. I still have frequent contact with my ex due to our circumstances and as soon as he retreated like yours did, it has yet to ever come back. It feels like us in so many ways, but he is not the same and in return I am not the same. You just have to believe that there is a reason for this. Either he needs to learn and grow and he can't do that with you for now for some bizarre reason and he will come back eventually and everything will be dandy, or he won't and you will move on and realize why you weren't meant to be with him. I have had to learn that the guy who he is now is NOT the guy I have been with the past three years. The love of my life is gone and may never come back, but I deserve more than the guy in front of me. You deserve more than the guy in front of you too. You deserve to never have to feel like this, and if he makes you feel like this, he isn't worth your energy. Move on. I am so so sorry, but move on. I have been hanging onto hope that my ex will come back to me, but that's an awful way to live. Please don't do that to yourself. If you ever want to talk to someone who gets it and has about four months ahead of you on this, please feel free to PM me.

[TheSteelAngel]

This happened to me too OP and I am very sorry that this happened to you as well. My ex SO also didn't contact me for a month and recently ended things with me saying that he just couldn't handle the distance. Your relationship was only 6 months. At least this didn't go on for years like mine did :/ You don't deserve someone who acts like this by your side. You deserve better.

[ainoviere]

All

Thanks everyone for your advice.

While I think of reaching out during my low moments, ultimately I won’t contact him. I wouldn’t even know what to say and, short of an apology and request to give us another go, any other reply (or lack thereof) will just upset me and delay my recovery. Agree the silence says it all – whatever the reason is, he has no interest in resuming or saving the relationship.

At first I kept going over the last few weeks’ events in my head, wondering if I could have done something differently, but my behaviour didn’t change. His did. On one hand it’s a terrible way to end what was otherwise a wonderful experience, but if it wasn’t meant to be it’s just as well it’s happened sooner rather than later.

Logically I know I don’t deserve this and I need to forget about it already, but my heart is still having trouble letting go. While it gets a tiny bit easier every day, I’m still having trouble sleeping and focusing. I know it will just take time. At least I’ve stopped stalking his social media – no contact is really the way to go. These days I prefer to browse forums like this one. I wish I had discovered this forum earlier!

Thanks again.

[Redheart14]

All

Thanks everyone for your advice.

While I think of reaching out during my low moments, ultimately I won’t contact him. I wouldn’t even know what to say and, short of an apology and request to give us another go, any other reply (or lack thereof) will just upset me and delay my recovery. Agree the silence says it all – whatever the reason is, he has no interest in resuming or saving the relationship.

At first I kept going over the last few weeks’ events in my head, wondering if I could have done something differently, but my behaviour didn’t change. His did. On one hand it’s a terrible way to end what was otherwise a wonderful experience, but if it wasn’t meant to be it’s just as well it’s happened sooner rather than later.

Logically I know I don’t deserve this and I need to forget about it already, but my heart is still having trouble letting go. While it gets a tiny bit easier every day, I’m still having trouble sleeping and focusing. I know it will just take time. At least I’ve stopped stalking his social media – no contact is really the way to go. These days I prefer to browse forums like this one. I wish I had discovered this forum earlier!

Thanks again.

Take care of you now. You're the number one priority, don't forget that. We're here if you need to vent or chat.