Being told not to come visit

[sarbear]

Hey all,

I was on this board for awhile, then my SO and I closed our distance and lived together for a year and a half. Then about a month ago, he moved across the country for 8 months for school. I was imagining it to be fine, as we had done long distance before and hadn't had any major issues. But ever since he moved for school, I can barely get him to call me. And when he does, he calls me late at night (his time) when he is way too tired to talk and only talks to me for a few short minutes. We used to text all day, then he got to busy for that. I felt completely lonely and tossed under the rug. He spends every night studying, partying, hanging out with his classmates, and I feel like he has no interest in even having a Skype date with me. I sent him two packages already, one that was received without even a "thank you". I had a trip planned for our three year anniversary in two and a half weeks, and yesterday, he told me I should no longer come because he was a tentative interview (not even scheduled yet) and I will be by myself for much of the time I'm visiting. I told him, I have no issue being alone, as long as I get to fall asleep and wake up with you. He told me I would be too distracting while he would be interviewing because he would be worried about me being alone...even though I live alone and told him repeatedly I don't mind being alone. I spent $370 on this ticket, got five days of work covered, and the ticket is non refundable. He knows ALL of this, and yet, still told me not to come visit him. I'm completely devastated and hurt. I'm not sure if I can do this long distance anymore. He's completely put me on the back burner, after I helped pay for his tuition for this school, wrote his admission essay...and now he doesn't even want me to come visit. A trip we have planned even before he was leaving. I'm so upset, not happy, and at a loss of what I should do. I just needed to vent. I can't seem to shake these feelings.

[Redheart14]

Wow that's really not fair. I personally wouldn't help a partner with money for things for it can cause issues later on. The care package with no thank you, just can't believe that someone wouldn't thank someone who made a care package for them. If he's made it clear he doesn't want you to go, then I'd stay home. I don't blame you for re-evaluating things, it's clear from your post that you're not a priority to him. Put yourself first and what you need as he certainly isn't. I guess what you have to ask yourself is are you willing for things to continue the way they are?

[Katy_G]

Ouch.

Best to stay home and give him his space. Clearly there is some talking you both need to do

[differentcountries]

That sounds really shitty. SO and I have had visits when he had his exams, when I had super important meetings at work etc. On our regular visits, he works from 14-02 and I just tag along. If we were to postphone visits to when we had "time", we would never see each other. However, I have stopped sending him stuff when he works season, exept maybe cards, but he feels overwealmed and also like he cant reprociate (or even be thankful). But it is different for me, I "know" season and it is like this for everyone. He is often tired and I have accepted that Skype is going to be rare for us (he used to work more like 10-22, it was easier then).

I dont know if this is in any way relateable to your issues, but our 2nd aniversery went down in flames (while on visit) because of a work conflict and his depressive reaction to it. He was spinning out of control. It hurt me a lot at the time because I felt he had stopped caring, but I later understood that he was trying to protect me from the horrible things that were happening inside him and he is now grateful for my patience. If things were otherwise going well with you guys, could there be something happening in these studies/interview things that he is not being honest to you about? There has to be something since he is telling you stuff that makes no sense.

Since you have done alle these things to make the travel happen, perhaps you can go, but postphone the celebration to a time where he is less stressed out? I know it is not ideal, but something is clearly bothering him.

[newcarcaviar]

That must have really hurt you. I'm sorry.

I know it's hard to think about, but you may need to reconsider whether you want to continue with the relationship. In my opinion, he's treating you very poorly and unfairly. I can't believe he's expecting you to cancel the visit and be out all that money, but he's really left you no choice.

[ainoviere]

Whatever you decide regarding the relationship, unless he tells you beforehand that he wants you to go after all my advice is NOT to go to see him. If you do there is a good chance he will get angry and resent your presence, and you won't have a good time either. By all means you can go anyway and have a good time on your own, but don't have any expectation that he will welcome you with open arms. You will just be disappointed.

[sarbear]

I have no desire in even visiting him now, even if he DID decide he wanted me to come. What he did hurt too much. He's supposed to come a couple weeks after our intended visit, but I'm not sure I even want that anymore. I don't know if I can move past this. He isn't even acknowledging what happened anymore, he's going about our conversations like nothing is even wrong. Not even trying to fix the hurt he caused.

[jennefer]

Is really sad read this! But i think that you should have to use your ticket for you! If is possible and get distract also when we know that in your heart and your mind you will be thinking in him! After 3 years of a relationship you both should have to be open each other and in this case he is really close and leave you in the middle and you are really confuse without idea of what happen and trying to understand what happen! Something like his happen to me one time exactly like you (except for the ticket issues) and i leave him without notice about me for 4 days and after those days we saw by skype and we talk about all! And we fix all the problems with communication and he start to be the same giving me my place no matter if he is on exams or something like that! I think you have to be patient and showing him that you are a person that dont leave the emotion control you! Talk with him and if you feel that no matter how much you love him, the relationship cant continue or he dont have the interest you can take your decision but if he loves you as you love him you will find a great solution with love and time! But remember first is you and your happiness!!!! (Sorry for my english I am trying to improve)

[Moon]

I have no desire in even visiting him now, even if he DID decide he wanted me to come. What he did hurt too much. He's supposed to come a couple weeks after our intended visit, but I'm not sure I even want that anymore. I don't know if I can move past this. He isn't even acknowledging what happened anymore, he's going about our conversations like nothing is even wrong. Not even trying to fix the hurt he caused.

What a jerk, I'm really sorry, how hurtful. Besides the huge red flags this throws up, I hate to see you lose your money. I know your ticket isn't refundable, but can you exchange it? You might have to pay a change fee, but maybe you could take yourself to a city you always wanted to visit for the weekend, or something similar? Try using it to do something YOU want, if you can. Maybe you could even arrange that time to be when he tries visiting you. I hope things get better for you, good luck.

[hmrambling]

Relationships cannot be one sided... not financially, not emotionally, not geographically.

When I put more into a relationship than the other person, that is a set up for a resentment. Also, I know for a fact that when people see that I tolerate unacceptable behavior that they will continue to behave unacceptably... meaning that what I allow, I condone.

I had to make a list of deal breakers. If/when I run across a deal breaker, then that's it. I ask myself, "is this behavior simply undesirable behavior, or is it an unacceptable deal breaker? There is a way to address this behavior, though, and this is the model that I use...

So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:

When you . . . . .

I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.

The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self - an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way.

When you . . . . .

The "When you . . ." statement is a description of behavior. It is very important actually describe the behavior. To say to another person: when you get angry; when you shame me; or such statements - is too general, not specific enough. These types of general statements do not really describe the behavior - they are our interpretations of the behavior. A major facet of codependence is assuming, interpreting, mind reading, and fortune telling - due to our childhood conditioning. We think we know the intentions and motives of others. We assume that they are conscious of their behavior and will know what we are talking about.

Source: https://joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

[Redheart14]

You need to clear the air and let him know how this hurt you.

[TheSteelAngel]

Hey all,

I was on this board for awhile, then my SO and I closed our distance and lived together for a year and a half. Then about a month ago, he moved across the country for 8 months for school. I was imagining it to be fine, as we had done long distance before and hadn't had any major issues. But ever since he moved for school, I can barely get him to call me. And when he does, he calls me late at night (his time) when he is way too tired to talk and only talks to me for a few short minutes. We used to text all day, then he got to busy for that. I felt completely lonely and tossed under the rug. He spends every night studying, partying, hanging out with his classmates, and I feel like he has no interest in even having a Skype date with me. I sent him two packages already, one that was received without even a "thank you". I had a trip planned for our three year anniversary in two and a half weeks, and yesterday, he told me I should no longer come because he was a tentative interview (not even scheduled yet) and I will be by myself for much of the time I'm visiting. I told him, I have no issue being alone, as long as I get to fall asleep and wake up with you. He told me I would be too distracting while he would be interviewing because he would be worried about me being alone...even though I live alone and told him repeatedly I don't mind being alone. I spent $370 on this ticket, got five days of work covered, and the ticket is non refundable. He knows ALL of this, and yet, still told me not to come visit him. I'm completely devastated and hurt. I'm not sure if I can do this long distance anymore. He's completely put me on the back burner, after I helped pay for his tuition for this school, wrote his admission essay...and now he doesn't even want me to come visit. A trip we have planned even before he was leaving. I'm so upset, not happy, and at a loss of what I should do. I just needed to vent. I can't seem to shake these feelings.

Oh dear this really sound like what happened with my ex SO. I am able to see the signs now and this kinda tells me that he is losing interest in you. Whenever I wanted to visit him he would make excuses like "oh i have to work. you will just be by yourself" stuff like that. Time goes on I finally get him to meet with me we have a great time together, and then he tells me he doesn't wanna deal with the distance anymore. I really hope this doesn't happen to you but this just seems like a bad sign to me.

[whatruckus]

Oh dear this really sound like what happened with my ex SO. I am able to see the signs now and this kinda tells me that he is losing interest in you. Whenever I wanted to visit him he would make excuses like "oh i have to work. you will just be by yourself" stuff like that. Time goes on I finally get him to meet with me we have a great time together, and then he tells me he doesn't wanna deal with the distance anymore. I really hope this doesn't happen to you but this just seems like a bad sign to me.

Yeah, I'm with TheSteelAngel on this one. Same thing started happening with me and my ex SO. He started telling me not to come down because he was going to be busy working, which never bothered him before. And, that I was going to be by myself all the time (still never bothered him before). When he was in the Army, I went down on some weekends he even had Drill, and he used to say that he at least had me to come home to after the long day. I think you guys should really talk.

[sarbear]

Thank you all for your support. I told him last night (Tuesday) we needed to talk. And he said, "Ok. This weekend". I told him that isn't going to work, it's too far away. And he responded with, "Well, I'm really busy tomorrow so Thursday?" Again, I am too busy to even try to talk about everything. I think I've decided I need to break up with him. It just feels to crappy. Right before he even told me not to come visit, he told me he feels bad because I'm always bored at home not doing anything and I should go on dates with other people. And he doesn't deserve me and I'm not enough for him. It just raised more red flags. ( I know this sounds obsessive and stalkerish, but there's been a history of him talking to other girls while dating me). I check his snapchat count. His snapchat count keeps going up aggressively, and I rarely snapchat him and he never snapchats me. So there's someone that's sending him and he's sending, very frequent snapchats too. Makes me wonder if maybe he's starting to talk to someone else. There's just too much to work past. I was a great girlfriend overall to him, and I shouldn't have to be working this hard in a relationship, when I'm not even get met halfway. It's going to be a tough conversation to have, and I hope I can hold my ground. I'm absolutely terrified to break up with him, I invested so much in him, in us, over the past three years. But, relationships end to only bring better ones in the future, right?

[whatruckus]

Thank you all for your support. I told him last night (Tuesday) we needed to talk. And he said, "Ok. This weekend". I told him that isn't going to work, it's too far away. And he responded with, "Well, I'm really busy tomorrow so Thursday?" Again, I am too busy to even try to talk about everything. I think I've decided I need to break up with him. It just feels to crappy. Right before he even told me not to come visit, he told me he feels bad because I'm always bored at home not doing anything and I should go on dates with other people. And he doesn't deserve me and I'm not enough for him. It just raised more red flags. ( I know this sounds obsessive and stalkerish, but there's been a history of him talking to other girls while dating me). I check his snapchat count. His snapchat count keeps going up aggressively, and I rarely snapchat him and he never snapchats me. So there's someone that's sending him and he's sending, very frequent snapchats too. Makes me wonder if maybe he's starting to talk to someone else. There's just too much to work past. I was a great girlfriend overall to him, and I shouldn't have to be working this hard in a relationship, when I'm not even get met halfway. It's going to be a tough conversation to have, and I hope I can hold my ground. I'm absolutely terrified to break up with him, I invested so much in him, in us, over the past three years. But, relationships end to only bring better ones in the future, right?

Ultimately it's up to you and how you feel. If you truly feel that he is not being faithful, and you feel this neglected, go with your gut. But, please do hear his side as well. I wish you the best of luck, whatever the outcome is, and I do hope you stick around in the community.