I need your advice.

[gentleman]

Disclaimer: There's no TL;DR version, I'm sorry. IMO all the details are important. Also, my English ain't perfect and hope you'll get the point

First of all, hi to everyone, I'm new here and I really need your advice, because I'm just freaking out.

As for myself, I'm 23 years old guy (hope this information is enough for now, feel free to ask more if you like tho).

The story.....
So, here it goes. Last year, I managed to travel in Germany, to visit my friend (for about 3 months). We had fun, enjoyed travelling and stuff, then we created profile on social website, just getting know people around, to talk and stuff and one of them, were she, my LDR girlfriend at the moment.


So we began texting to each other, we enjoyed it a lot! We were far away like 100 km's away. After a while, we met in real. We went to cafe, cinema, and so on. We just enjoyed each other.
After few weeks, she told me that I'm really nice guy and if we're not be friends, she would date me and it kinda triggered me and avoided the question. Because, I had two relationships before (both LDR's) one for 7 years, another for 4 years (don't ask how it's possible or stuff, I'm being honest here) and after breaking up with them, I tried to commit suicide for each (and NO, I'm not proud of it). I'm just really sensitive guy, only when it's all about relationships. I'm way too much different guy to friends, random people, but in relationship, I'm seriously sensitive guy and it kinda makes me crazy.

So, after few days, I was analyzing stuff and I gave a chance, I did a step and told her to be my girlfriend and she was happy about it too, so we went in relationship since then.
After few days of texting, we met again and we went to random places each other, cuddling and stuff. After all of that, time was coming for me to leave, cause my train was going soon, so she managed go with me at train station and wait me to leave and then she would go home. I don't wanted to go yet, because I haven't done one important thing and I delayed going at train station with random reasons and when we went at train station, my train was going already, so I could not leave no more and had to wait 4 hours to next train (it was 00:00). So then, I managed to take her at home by myself, we walked together till her home, we went in and I caught a moment and kissed her and we were both really happy. It was late already, I had to leave, because she was working next day and I just left the place (by the way, that day was last day I was there and next day, I traveled back to my country, but told her that I'll be back whenever I can).

After I came to my country, things went worse and worse. She was not texting much, she was getting angry on everything I tell and she even told me that I'm overwhelming her. I went totally crazy after that, she was telling me to "if you don't like that, we should break up" and stuff. I was trying to save the relationship and backing off, but when it went too much, I was so tired already, I agreed to break up and told her to never contact me no more.

After few hours, she texted me that she can't believe that I broke up with her (?) and again, I calmed myself down and tried to regenerate the relationship. It went fine for few days after, but she started same thing again and over again.

Now she's telling me that she's working too much, she's getting really tired and apologizes for that. I was trying to support her as much as I could and I was agreeing that she needs rest and stuff.
When it continued all over again, I could not resist and told her that she can't find few hours for me in a week and I'm done. We fought, we break up again, but she started to "cry" and texting me that she'll do everything, that I'm right and so on. Well, okay again. We're still in relationship. But this cycle is looping all over again, same thing every single week. No matter if I want to discuss it, she's getting angry and wants to break up instantly and then apologizes for it. It's just getting boring AF.

It's not about relationship only, I really love her, so do she (as for her side, I'm not sure anymore). I don't know what to think. My mind is just blown up by overthinking. Now it's 4th day she didn't text me at all and not even sure what to do.
I also have thoughts that she's cheating on me or something terrible, but still loves me and wants to be with me. I just don't know. I really need your advice guys...

There might be some point I missed, but this cycle is never changing. Also, feel free to ask questions if you got one.

Thank you.

[whatruckus]

This relationship honestly doesn't seem very healthy, for either of you. It seems like you weren't even ready to be in another one just yet. How long ago was your last relationship? Are you getting help? You need to learn to love yourself, before you can be with someone else. You can't necessarily be two different people when you're with friends/family and when you're in a relationship. You should be able to balance the two.

How long has it been since all these fights started?

[gentleman]

Hi, thanks for the reply and sorry for long delay.

How long ago was your last relationship?
2 years ago.

Are you getting help?
What kind of help you mean?

How long has it been since all these fights started?
It's like 6 months already.

You need to learn to love yourself, before you can be with someone else.
This, I can't do. I was never able to do that. I'm kind of person who's happy when my friends/family/relationship members are happy too. Without them, I feel myself terrible, even though I know that I don't have to, thus all of people who I know thinks I'm an angel. I'm just a pessimist guy really often.

This relationship honestly doesn't seem very healthy, for either of you.
Should I really blame this to distance? Because we never was like this when we were meeting. We just had a lot of conflicts while texting only. If it's all about break up, it'll blow me up totally and it'll be another problem for me.

[whatruckus]

By help, I meant you need to get professional help. Therapy or medication, or both. Because you seem to have extreme anxiety and depression. You shouldn't feel like you need to end your life after a relationship, nor try to. And yet, you have twice. After both of your previous relationships ended. Relationships end, it happens. You learn and you move on from them. Also, you can learn to love yourself if you let it. If you depend on others for your happiness, or their happiness determines your happiness, you will never be happy. You can not, and will not, make everyone happy.

You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship at all. You are way too dependent, and putting that kind of responsibility on your SO, or any SO, is just bound for bad news. My ex SO put it all on me to try and make him happy. He was in the Army, went to Iraq, and has PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Coupled with my own depression and anxiety, it was way too much and he relied too much in me. It came out that I wasn't enough, and he started telling me I was suffocating him, among other things. Numerous arguments, and breaks, and we finally broke up 7 months ago almost. We were together for 3 years, and it really destroyed my self confidence and just overall outlook on relationships.

We were not ready to be together. Both of us too heavily dependent on the other, when neither of us could give each other what we needed because we didn't love ourselves first.

[Elisabeth]

OP, I would highly suggest you seek professional help. It is not normal or healthy to try to end your life after a breakup. Also, you should be able to treat your SO like any friend or family member. While it's fine to get happiness from the happiness of others, your situation sounds like you're codependent. You need to be able to find happiness from yourself and without relying on others. Right now, you're not in a healthy relationship. While fights and arguments happen, it shouldn't be a never ending cycle.

For now, you need to focus on yourself and being emotionally and mentally stable alone. It's not fair to your SO or you to be so reliant especially since this is a LDR. Honestly? It sounds like the best thing for both of you would be to end the relationship. Not everyone is able to handle a LDR. It's not selfish of you to worry about your own well being above others. I was once told that the best way for me to help others was to prioritize myself and keep myself healthy.

[gentleman]

Hey, thanks for the replies!

OK. What I guessed so far is that, I really need a professional help first. I also have to point that, she's keeping telling me that I changed a lot and I'm not that guy who I was before (maybe cause of depression?) and she can't handle my behaviors cause of her hard work too? We both having hard working sphere, really stressing.

Okay, let's exclude the break up at the moment, if I get healthy and prioritize myself first, would it help? Also, might it be sexual life problem? cause I didn't cheat her since then (almost 1 years).

Also, she wrote yesterday. I asked how's she feeling about our relationship and she said it's good and she do like it, we also played some random Q/A games.

The only thing I think now is that, problem is in me. I'm being jealous and depressed.

[Elisabeth]

Definitely treating any mental illness will help. I can say from experience that I'm happier with myself and have a better relationship with others with treatment. It's also good to hear that she wants things to work between you. Stressful work environments are definitely exhausting, so that might have contributed to her possibly shorter temper. Do you have a chance to see her regularly in person? With the arguing that's been going on, I understand if you two haven't wanted to see each other.

About depression specifically, it does put strain on a relationship. It's hard on the partner who wants to be supportive and helpful but is in a completely powerless situation. People are different during depressive episodes which can drag out for months. Ultimately, it's up to the individual to get treatment and take active measures to controlling the disease and not letting the disease control them.

[gentleman]

Will treat myself first and see the result after.

As for a meeting, this is what makes me even more depressed. Because of our work, we can't meet each other much, plus financial problems and stuff. In general, everything's against us, yet we both trying to not give up.

[Honour]

This, I can't do. I was never able to do that. I'm kind of person who's happy when my friends/family/relationship members are happy too. Without them, I feel myself terrible, even though I know that I don't have to, thus all of people who I know thinks I'm an angel. I'm just a pessimist guy really often.

I totally understand what you mean. I'm exactly the same. When I got with my current SO, I'd only been single for about a month or so out of a 6-month LDR that went nowhere. I had a LOT of my friends telling me I shouldn't take the plunge, that I needed time to heal, time to get over what had happened, but my SO made me so happy. He was THE reason to heal, to get over what happened. With him, I've learned to let go of a lot of inner demons that have been haunting me for years, and he's helped heal a large, empty gap in my life. I too have to feel "loved," have to be surrounded by family or a lover, and I don't take any shame in that.

Having said that, I think you desperately need to seek professional help. I've suffered from depression since I was 15, my dad has even worse depression and they recently put forth a diagnosis of PTSD after all the shit he's had to go through. Let me say it now.... there is NO shame whatsoever in seeking help. Suffering in silence will only make matters worse. Having said all of this, however, I agree with Whatruckus and would stress to you that 1) you are clearly not in the emotional mindset for a relationship, 2) LDRs are taxing enough without mental health problems complicating the issue and 3) you are placing too much pressure on someone who cannot carry your/these burdens for you. Seek your doctor, a therapist, a councillor, or something else entirely. I found therapy and counselling did little to help me, but I've been taking anti-depressants since 6 months ago, and I've noticed a complete alteration in my health and mental attitude towards things. Sure, it hasn't changed everything or helped everything, but it's calmed my depression almost completely and my anxiety has not been running skyhigh. I cannot stress this enough:get help as soon as you can.

As for the relationship being unhealthy... I think we're in a similar boat, but not to the same extremes. I find it extremely difficult to cope with the distance sometimes, and my relationship with my SO has stagnated a few times as a result. I know that if we were CD, things would be VERY different. But it's whether you can handle the wait until the distance between you is virtually, or completely, gone. And I don't think you can right now.

Really wish you good luck

[gentleman]

Thanks for the suggestions fellows, I really appreciate it! I'll try therapy first and will look how things will go after.

Thanks again!

[Redheart14]

Look after yourself. You come first and need to be the number one priority right now.