I need your advice (and a place to vent)..

[gamer_gurl]

Hello there,

It's my first post on here, and I have only just signed up. Mostly because I wasn't sure how to approach my LDR, first one I am in, and what to do next.

First some background information.
I met my SO last November in an online game, we chatted as friends for many months, and in June this year confessed love (his initiative). We have always chatted a lot, some days many hours straight, our record 9 hours.. However, since we decided to enter into a relationship things have slightly changed. July and August we still spoke a lot, but less (a couple of texts a day and a phone call once a week or so, never scheduled), and in September things have gotten awfully quiet. He stopped wishing me a good day in the morning, and would only message me every 2-3 days. He would say he'd call, but quite often would forget. When I brought it up, he said it was due to him wanting us to have things to talk about when we met.

First meeting. We finally met mid-Sept and it was amazing. We spend the day together and also confessed love in person. It felt so natural. We are planning to meet again 3 weeks after our first meeting (in 1.5 weeks' time).

Now onto my issues .. We still say we love each other. But our communication has not gone back to what it was. He contacts me every 2-3 days, and it is to wish me a good day, or briefly ask how I am. We have not had a full-blown conversation in such a long time, and I miss that so so much. I miss him! He still wants to meet again, but the way things are right now, it is just not enough for me. I need daily contact. I don't know if meeting every 3 or 4 weeks, and hardly any conversation in between is enough for me. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being needy? Be honest please

Now my specific question - I realise I should talk to him about it. But I don't know whether it is better to wait until our next meeting in person, or whether to do it online sooner. What do you think? Something inside tells me to give him time, observe his behaviour, and then raise it when we meet. On the other hand, I am worried that he will withdraw further if I don't enquire soon. Am I giving him too much space? He spends a lot of time gaming, just not with me anymore. Am I unreasonable wanting a chunk of his time to myself? He tells me I am the love of his life, and wants to get married, but every time he goes quiet I almost feel like he does not exist anymore. And it is killing me! Am I exaggerating?

Second question. Is being 70 miles apart really an LDR? To me this sort of distance isn't a problem, I can find time to meet every weekend, even though my schedule is busy. He seems to want to meet every 3-4 weeks. He makes it into an LDR.

And third question. Might it be a better idea (instead of telling him no contact is not enough) to ask him we jointly come up with a schedule of things we do together online in-between our meetings? Some part of me tells me to leave things the way they are, because without an imposed schedule I can better see his actual involvement.

I am probably overthinking this. Sorry However, I do want to hear your opinions x

Thanks

[arabella]

Hi,
Iīll give it a try to give you a feedback on what you wrote.
First of all, you are not unreasonable to want a chunk of your SOīs time. I mean thatīs basically what a relationship is about, that you spend time with each other (online or IRL). Otherwise the whole thing doesn't make sense.
He obviously needs a bit more space than you, which is fine, but the two of you have to come to a compromise that works for both of you! Not only for one of you.

If I try to put myself in your situation, I might ask him whether he is happy with the kind (and amount) of contact you are having right now. Iīd be interested to figure out what is his opinion about this, before I tell him my opinion.

Whether you want to wait until you see each other in person, I really donīt know. With this kind of issues it is difficult to talk about them online, but on the other hand: if you wait to talk to him too long, they problem might become bigger and bigger...So if you realize it is bothering too much, than talk to him online. If you have the feeling you can wait without getting too emotional/angry/frustrated then talk to him when you guys meet in person.

[hmrambling]

Welcome to LFAD!

I don't know if meeting every 3 or 4 weeks, and hardly any conversation in between is enough for me. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being needy? Be honest please

It is reasonable to communicate to your partner what you want out of a relationship. People are not mindreaders.

I don't know whether it is better to wait until our next meeting in person, or whether to do it online sooner. What do you think?

Sooner is better than later because if you wait, you might find yourself with a resentment for having waited. I would suggest to not be pushy, but to ask for those things you want.

Is being 70 miles apart really an LDR?

I live 50 miles from my partner and we consider it long distance because we usually see each other on the weekends, and sometimes have dates on a weeknight. We are not in the same city. It takes time for preparation for each of us to visit the other. It takes two hours round trip minimum which definitely calls for some planning.

Might it be a better idea (instead of telling him no contact is not enough) to ask him we jointly come up with a schedule of things we do together online in-between our meetings?

The two of us worked together to work out a schedule. We've seen each other most weekends ever since we met face to face. There have been some exceptions, though. It isn't one sided, either.

We mutually agree on our visits and communication times. We usually text each other good morning and talk to each other at night on the phone. Sometimes work gets in the way or visits with family or friends take priority.

The thing is: he has no idea what you want from him if you do not ask.

[gamer_gurl]

Thanks to you both.

It really helped to hear what someone else thinks. And it also helped to try and write a coherent note to ask for help. It made me think about things and I have actually just spoken to him. Maybe I wasn't as diplomatic as Arabella suggested, but I definitely tried to communicate how I feel in a delicate manner. I basically told him I missed our conversations and that I knew he loved me but that I worry when we go too long without contact. I asked him to be honest. He assured he loved me and that I am still all that he wants, and that he was simply busy trying to make some extra cash to come see me sooner. He promised to write more often.

God I am such a child at this. I was in a very long term relationship that ended last year, and I never dated in my adult life, so I often find myself completely lost, not knowing what are the current standards and/or reasonable and appropriate expectations.

When I spoke to him I just decided to go with my gut and say how I feel, and I feel so much better now for having done so.

Thank you <3

[arabella]

Hi,
thatīs great to hear. Itīs good that you trusted your guts and found the right words. Itīs always difficult to find your rhythm as a couple, the frequency of meeting each other online and offline. I was really surprised when I was browsing through this forum, to see how much it differs from couple to couple...
I had to laugh a bit about the "diplomatic" way, since I am a huuuuuge mess in those situations and far away from being diplomatic (thank good my SO is patient with me then).

[gamer_gurl]

Hi,
thatīs great to hear. Itīs good that you trusted your guts and found the right words. Itīs always difficult to find your rhythm as a couple, the frequency of meeting each other online and offline. I was really surprised when I was browsing through this forum, to see how much it differs from couple to couple...
I had to laugh a bit about the "diplomatic" way, since I am a huuuuuge mess in those situations and far away from being diplomatic (thank good my SO is patient with me then).

hehe, that's awesome, I think my SO is also learning to be patient with me. When we first met 9 days ago (feels like ages!) he said he knows that I am needy (!), and I laughed at it and said that I hope it is a good thing that I need him. It did sting though, that's why I am trying to be careful in how I say things as he already sees me as needy. I love that idiot. I only wish he valued time spent with me a little more than his daily gaming sessions. Oh well, nothing really I can do more, gotta wait and see.

about being a huge mess, I think sometimes it doesn't matter, it is better to solve a situation in a messy way than not at all. At least we're respectful towards ourselves enough to not want to waste time on stupid emotions and unclear situations x

[gamer_gurl]

I am a little sad. I don't think it worked. He hasn't spoken to me all day and I know he has been gaming all day. I hate that I might have to end things with him. I am not sure I trust him anymore - it seems he's trying to hide the fact he's gaming (I can see he's in game when he tells me he is working hard and can't speak). I don't know what to think anymore. I thought maybe I should switch off my phone for a couple of days. To stop checking it like crazy and to stop myself from hoping he'll get in touch. But then I will mess it all up.

It just doesn't compute, does it. Why would he be telling me he is 100% sure he wants to be with me (said it last night again) but then does things like not write and lie about doing something he's obviously not doing. Is he crazy? Or am I crazy ...

What do I do?

[Bee'sknees]

I would go nuts if I had to go even one day without any messages. I need conversations and even those stupid little messages that doesn't actually mean much, but it makes me feel loved and then I know that the other person is thinking about me. That's important to me especially in an LDR when you can't see each other. We text throughout the day and then have scheduled Skype sessions every night and it works well for us.

You're definitely not unreasonable for wanting your SO's time. I would try and have a serious conversation on how his behaviour feels a bit unfair and it's starting to affect the relationship. I don't think there's much else you can do. If he doesn't change then I would have to re-evaluate the whole thing.

[gamer_gurl]

I would try and have a serious conversation on how his behaviour feels a bit unfair and it's starting to affect the relationship. I don't think there's much else you can do. If he doesn't change then I would have to re-evaluate the whole thing.

It is beginning to dawn on me that he's just using me, maybe .. god I wish I knew. Thanks, I actually had this conversation with him yesterday and he promised to adjust his behaviour, and contact me more, but has not done so today at all. It hurts like hell and something within me is crying. He was so amazing with me for such a long time, I just do not understand why the change and silence. If I told him yesterday it hurts me when he doesn't write every day, and he agreed he would, but has not written a single word today, I suppose that is my message.

You know this feeling of paralising helplessness. This is how I feel. I feel a bit sick and lost my appetite. I think I am already mourning the end of my relationship.

[xxcazaxx]

Sorry to hear that!

[gamer_gurl]

thanks x

that's the main problem with LDRs, you can't just go over and check what your SO is doing ..

how do you guys trust your LD SOs?

[sasad]

thanks x

that's the main problem with LDRs, you can't just go over and check what your SO is doing ..

how do you guys trust your LD SOs?

I trust mine... he has earned it by doing and saying what he said he has... I have earned his the same way. We talk, we skype, we work together to make this work.

[R&R]

My SO and I broke up once and got back together after 18 months. He had to regain my trust and it took time. (He didn't cheat or anything - but omission of some pretty big parts of his life caused some real issues.)

He has learned to communicate with me, even about the really tough stuff. He knows he can open up to me. He knows he's going to get honesty and blunt answers from me too. We hold each other accountable. He knows he doesn't have to hide anything from me. I may not like everything, but you are never going to be 100% in agreement on everything.

It sounds like your SO hides his gaming because of how you are going to react. You'll be okay if he says he works hard but you will get upset if he's gaming. That doesn't make what he is doing right - it's how it appears from what you've told us. For yourself, remember that by allowing the wrong person to stay in your life, you are making a conscious decision to not allow the right one in. If you aren't happy, maybe it is time to move on. Good luck!

[arabella]

I am so sorry to hear things are not going well right now. About trusting: as long as I feel that my SO and I can talk about anything, noone is really trying to avoid a specific topic, things work. You have to have a solid foundation in your relationship when it comes to communication, otherwise LDR does not work. I really hope the situation becomes more clear soon, so that you can make your decision. I wish you all the best and keep your head up!

[xxcazaxx]

Having been cheated on in the past, I have felt guarded in the past, but with my current boyfriend things feel very different. I just know that I can trust him - its just a feeling that I have. He knows I have been hurt in the past and is very open and understanding. Right at the start he said that he wanted me to feel that I could ask him anything at any time.