I need some help about my situation..

[Shirona]

And, as far as I know, all the people I know who have been sexually assaulted do not enjoy it and then "just go along with it." That's BS. And, I'm honestly offended on all sexual assault survivor's behalfs that you would say they could or would enjoy it after a while. I don't believe that it would ever "feel good" for someone who doesn't want it.

"A sexual response or orgasm in the course of sexual assault is often the best-kept and most deeply shameful secret of many survivors. If you are such a survivor, it's essential that you know that sexual response in sexual assault is extremely common, well-documented and nothing for you to be ashamed of."

I'm sorry, but how exactly do you think the 10 or even 20 people you might know represent all victims? You don't /believe/ they could enjoy it? Well. Unfortunately your beliefs don't shape reality and being so absolute does no good. In this case it's even counter-productive. I'm sure if you look it up a bit more you'll find that it's not uncommon at all (I cannot post links yet on here, but you obviously have access to the Internet and a simple googling will probably suffice).

[whatruckus]

"A sexual response or orgasm in the course of sexual assault is often the best-kept and most deeply shameful secret of many survivors. If you are such a survivor, it's essential that you know that sexual response in sexual assault is extremely common, well-documented and nothing for you to be ashamed of."

I'm sorry, but how exactly do you think the 10 or even 20 people you might know represent all victims? You don't /believe/ they could enjoy it? Well. Unfortunately your beliefs don't shape reality and being so absolute does no good. In this case it's even counter-productive. I'm sure if you look it up a bit more you'll find that it's not uncommon at all (I cannot post links yet on here, but you obviously have access to the Internet and a simple googling will probably suffice).

Just because they have an orgasm, doesn't necessarily mean that they enjoyed it or wanted it. So, again, tell me where it says that they actually wanted to be sexually assaulted just because they had an orgasm.
I'll wait.

P.S. - I thought you weren't posting on this forum any more?

P.S.S. - A person can have an orgasm from horseback riding too. Any stimulation from that area can cause someone to have an orgasm. Does it mean that they actually enjoyed it? No. Their body reacted to the stimuli.

[Shirona]

Just because they have an orgasm, doesn't necessarily mean that they enjoyed it or wanted it. So, again, tell me where it says that they actually wanted to be sexually assaulted just because they had an orgasm.
I'll wait.

P.S. - I thought you weren't posting on this forum any more?

P.S.S. - A person can have an orgasm from horseback riding too. Any stimulation from that area can cause someone to have an orgasm. Does it mean that they actually enjoyed it? No. Their body reacted to the stimuli.

How do you know which definition of "enjoy" she used? Or if he transferred her words precisly? How do you know that "being aroused" isn't the same to her as "enjoying" it? Don't you find it quite probable that under such mental and emotional turmoil, in her mind having had an orgasm is the equivelant of enjoying? And that she would end up doubting if she was actually being abused? Doesn't it sound like a very common and predictable behavior of abuse victims?

Also, she told him no, and he still proceeded. Rape is a violation of consent, it says nothing about enjoyment in the definition. And when exactly did she mention that she /wanted/ to be /raped/?

[sasad]

Sorry for late reply. As I live on a GMT +13 time zone.

I meant, I have an HPV on my mouth. And she has a genital wart, which I have given her. She's a decent lady and takes good care of her body. And I know, I'm her first sexual partner.
And for their sex part, she told me. At times, she was saying "no" but the guy insisted and of course. Even if we say "no", sometimes if it feels good and we had to go along with it.

I tested negative to all of those, same with her. It's only the, HPV in my mouth which I had from my childhood. And her warts. Doctor told me, that right now. There is no cure or definite way to know what HPV I had as I show no sypmtoms. And that is the only reason I think of which I have gotten it from. I told him, if it's possible to get a biopsy of a tissues on my tongue, he examines it and told me there's no visible sign of HPV as sometimes it can be microscopic and can lay dormant inside your body. And he said, as far as I am concerned. I have it, and couldn't tell what type I may have until I show a sign so they can get sample and sent it onto a laboratory. He told me, I may have the common one which as you guys said. It pretty much goes away on its own. And but on a very rare case, I could've have gotten the one that can cause throat cancer. And it sucks knowing that, it can't be cured as of yet and just hope it goes away on its own. So I have no medications for anything as he said, he can't give any as I don't show a symptoms.

And for I what I've said about her to stop doing it with him. I mean, guys. If we're to start over again or in the process of doing so. While she said, let her fix that issue she put herself through. It's not cool if they do it again, it's like. I knew they're having sex and I'm cool with it? No, that's why I said that.
And I told her when her issues are fixed, get herself tested again. As who knows, what that guy might given her.

YAY!! I wanted YOU to stop blaming yourself. You tested negative and she tested positive. You were her first, but she has had others so she is probably the one who gave it to you. I know you love her, but that doesn't mean you need to be the one to take blame all the time.
Please make sure she takes care of that BEFORE you have intercourse with her again. That also can cause cervical cancer in women so she needs to take care of that asap.

[whatruckus]

YAY!! I wanted YOU to stop blaming yourself. You tested negative and she tested positive. You were her first, but she has had others so she is probably the one who gave it to you. I know you love her, but that doesn't mean you need to be the one to take blame all the time.
Please make sure she takes care of that BEFORE you have intercourse with her again. That also can cause cervical cancer in women so she needs to take care of that asap.

This is the point I was trying to make as well.

You can't know for sure that you are the one that gave it to her. Stop beating yourself up about it. Like sasad said, she needs to let people she's been intimate with know. There are no tests for men and no cure for HPV. Make sure she gets her Pap tests done. I didn't have a wart, I had the strain that could mutate into cervical cancer. The one your SO has seems to be the one that won't mutate, as it's around her genitals. There are SO many different strands of HPV, so don't be so sure you gave her the strain for the wart.

How common is HPV and the health problems caused by HPV?

HPV (the virus): About 79 million Americans are currently infected with HPV. About 14 million people become newly infected each year. HPV is so common that most sexually-active men and women will get at least one type of HPV at some point in their lives.

Health problems related to HPV include genital warts and cervical cancer.

Genital warts: Before HPV vaccines were introduced, roughly 340,000 to 360,000 women and men were affected by genital warts caused by HPV every year.* Also, about one in 100 sexually active adults in the U.S. have genital warts at any given time.

Cervical cancer: More than 11,000 women in the United States get cervical cancer each year.

There are other conditions and cancers caused by HPV that occur in persons living in the United States. Every year approximately 17,600 women and 9,300 men are affected by cancers caused by HPV.

*As these figures only look at the number of people who sought care for genital warts, this could be an underestimate of the actual number of people who get genital warts.

Link to article I quoted from the CDC. I know that my article comes from the US, but HPV is still very common. Tell her to get the Vaccine, if she can. It'll protect her from other strains, including the one that I had.

[sasad]

How do you know which definition of "enjoy" she used? Or if he transferred her words precisly? How do you know that "being aroused" isn't the same to her as "enjoying" it? Don't you find it quite probable that under such mental and emotional turmoil, in her mind having had an orgasm is the equivelant of enjoying? And that she would end up doubting if she was actually being abused? Doesn't it sound like a very common and predictable behavior of abuse victims?

Also, she told him no, and he still proceeded. Rape is a violation of consent, it says nothing about enjoyment in the definition. And when exactly did she mention that she /wanted/ to be /raped/?

I think its because the GF actually was having sex with the guy during their first break up... That and OP said he asked her to please stop having sex with him.
I had stated that if she was being threatened, family threaten and forced to have sex, then the OP should notify the authorities or someone. SO, it sounds like she is ok with what's happening with the other guy, and just hasn't broken it off with him.
As a survivor, if that what you want to call it, of marital rape.. again rape is rape, then someone needs to step up and stop it. Its HARD as the victim if it is rape, to step up and say something or to leave a situation. You get so mind fucked that you actual start thinking its your fault and you deserve it.
I think the OP needs to figure out what is what and what is the truth..

[hmrambling]

As an advocate for survivors of sexual trauma at STAR (Sexual Trauma Awareness & Response), we are first trained to believe the survivor. As an advocate, I let the survivor know that I believe him/her, and make sure that he/she is safe. And my job is to support the survivor. This does not mean reporting the sexual assault for the survivor. I can accompany the survivor while he/she makes a report IF he/she wants me to, but it is not my job to report for the survivor. We're also taught that a lot of women stay with their abusers if they are in a partnership or relationship or dating. That does not mean that sexual assault is not occurring. Some survivors stay. They just do.

Similarly, it's important to understand that if a survivor experiences arousal or orgasm, that does not mean that sexual assault has not occurred. Arousal and/or orgasm is/are the body's physical response, and does not indicate that sexual assault has not occurred.

Sadly, some survivors stay in these relationships and do not report sexual assaults. Some do report, and still stay.

When survivors are manipulated into sex, they often feel hopeless, helpless, and think there is no way out. They often want and need support.

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would not be planning a future relationship or planning to reconcile. I would address the situation at hand, and be supportive. There's a good chance that she's looking for support and doesn't know where to turn if she is being manipulated.

[sasad]

As an advocate for survivors of sexual trauma at STAR (Sexual Trauma Awareness & Response), we are first trained to believe the survivor. As an advocate, I let the survivor know that I believe him/her, and make sure that he/she is safe. And my job is to support the survivor. This does not mean reporting the sexual assault for the survivor. I can accompany the survivor while he/she makes a report IF he/she wants me to, but it is not my job to report for the survivor. We're also taught that a lot of women stay with their abusers if they are in a partnership or relationship or dating. That does not mean that sexual assault is not occurring. Some survivors stay. They just do.

Similarly, it's important to understand that if a survivor experiences arousal or orgasm, that does not mean that sexual assault has not occurred. Arousal and/or orgasm is/are the body's physical response, and does not indicate that sexual assault has not occurred.

Sadly, some survivors stay in these relationships and do not report sexual assaults. Some do report, and still stay.

When survivors are manipulated into sex, they often feel hopeless, helpless, and think there is no way out. They often want and need support.

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would not be planning a future relationship or planning to reconcile. I would address the situation at hand, and be supportive. There's a good chance that she's looking for support and doesn't know where to turn if she is being manipulated.

As a survivor of marital abuse and rape, I get a lot of what you are saying..... But if you know someone is being hurt, raped, threatened, do you feel that going to authorities can help this person go on? That's what helped me. Having someone take me to a doctor and say they saw what he did... And I finally let it go cuz someone was there for me. I also understand hesitation if you think the other person is manipulating and you don't know the truth.
I am just asking you for yourhonest opinion, not criticizing or starting a debate. I like your thought process.

[liverose20]

Hi, I am not here to judge you or your SO, she's from the Philippines if I'm not mistaken, right? I'm sorry but I don't buy the whole "manipulation /controlling" stuff. I am from the same country.. but if she's telling the truth, why cant she call for help? who is this guy that manipulates her? is He that powerful? I don't think so.

I just find this a little odd for some reason. Good luck to you, hope you two can figure this out.

[Chris516]

No. No no no no no....
If this was happening to her then YOU call the police. If she is being threatened etc and forced to have sex?? That's RAPE. Report it.

This relationship is wrong.. SHE IS HAVING CONSENSUAL SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. and you are ok with that to the point you have to ask her not to do it .

SO you have a STD you gave her?? Or does she have it? Actually everyone she is having sex with is going to have to see a doctor.. YOU need to report that as well.. geez.

I don't know why you are doing this to yourself... Shes had sex with at least 2 other men... probably more. I don't even know what to say anymore as this is one messed up situation and you all are infecting other innocent people.

I agree with most of what you said here.

Asking her not to do it. Is futile. A woman like that(if that is the kind of woman she is) will do whatever they want, and if a man tried, even in a compassionate way to stop her. The woman would immediately, emotionally turn on him. Regardless of whether she is actually being raped, or not. Then accusing the 'compassionate' male of 'controlling' her.

Her sexual behavior is wrong. But, I 'crossed the bridge', being the compassionate male, and it bit me hard emotionally. No, I don't have an STD, but women like her are vipers. Show her door ASAP!!! Forgiveness is one thing. But sexual promiscuity to whatever extent is an absolute NO!!!

[hmrambling]

As a survivor of marital abuse and rape, I get a lot of what you are saying..... But if you know someone is being hurt, raped, threatened, do you feel that going to authorities can help this person go on? That's what helped me. Having someone take me to a doctor and say they saw what he did... And I finally let it go cuz someone was there for me. I also understand hesitation if you think the other person is manipulating and you don't know the truth.
I am just asking you for yourhonest opinion, not criticizing or starting a debate. I like your thought process.

As an advocate, I am trained to empower the survivor. What does that mean, exactly? Inform the survivor of his/her options and support him/her in his/her decisions. I advise people that they have a right to be accompanied to the hospital by an advocate if they choose to be examined, and that I can be there when they report to police if they choose to report to police. However, I cannot go report sexual assault to police as an advocate.

I am court mandated to report 1.) if a minor is being harmed/abused 2.) if an elderly person is being harmed abused

Set aside my obligations as an advocate, but take into account the training that I've had: if a survivor chooses not to report, and another person reports for him/her, how is that empowering the survivor? Sure, it is well intentioned, but does that not take the survivor's voice from him/her? It could possibly risk more harm if she has already made up her mind to stay in that situation.

[Chris516]

As an advocate, I am trained to empower the survivor. What does that mean, exactly? Inform the survivor of his/her options and support him/her in his/her decisions. I advise people that they have a right to be accompanied to the hospital by an advocate if they choose to be examined, and that I can be there when they report to police if they choose to report to police. However, I cannot go report sexual assault to police as an advocate.

I am court mandated to report 1.) if a minor is being harmed/abused 2.) if an elderly person is being harmed abused

Set aside my obligations as an advocate, but take into account the training that I've had: if a survivor chooses not to report, and another person reports for him/her, how is that empowering the survivor? Sure, it is well intentioned, but does that not take the survivor's voice from him/her? It could possibly risk more harm if she has already made up her mind to stay in that situation.

While you are court mandated to report what happens. What is reported, and to whom. Is subjective. The DAIP(who created the Domestic Violence Wheel in 1977), Nat. Coalition on Domestic and Sexual Violence, the Domestic Violence Hotline, National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, and Rape Abuse Incest National Network. Are all geared towards helping only women.

When my (ex)fiance n' got into it. The cops were involved several times over the four years we were together. She was emotionally abusive towards me. The police just told me to leave. When she said I was emotionally abusive towards her. The police had no problem taking her to the local women's emergency shelter. A woman can scream, physically abuse, even murder, a man. It is called standing up for herself. But if a man does the same thing. He is thrown in prison.

So, Those trained to empower survivors', are only trained to empower female survivors'. Male survivors' are left out in the cold, by a sexist 'system'(in the U.S.). A woman use BWS as a defense. A man can't use anything. Like it is impossible for a man to be abused in any way, shape, or form.

[sasad]

While you are court mandated to report what happens. What is reported, and to whom. Is subjective. The DAIP(who created the Domestic Violence Wheel in 1977), Nat. Coalition on Domestic and Sexual Violence, the Domestic Violence Hotline, National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, and Rape Abuse Incest National Network. Are all geared towards helping only women.

When my (ex)fiance n' got into it. The cops were involved several times over the four years we were together. She was emotionally abusive towards me. The police just told me to leave. When she said I was emotionally abusive towards her. The police had no problem taking her to the local women's emergency shelter. A woman can scream, physically abuse, even murder, a man. It is called standing up for herself. But if a man does the same thing. He is thrown in prison.

So, Those trained to empower survivors', are only trained to empower female survivors'. Male survivors' are left out in the cold, by a sexist 'system'(in the U.S.). A woman use BWS as a defense. A man can't use anything. Like it is impossible for a man to be abused in any way, shape, or form.

Sorry. I am calling bullshit. I am 5'7 and pretty damn fit, but when you don't work, and end up slowly being controlled by a man who is physically stronger than you, and in most cases this is true, you can't defend yourself.

My ex husbands ex wife was an abuser and guess what,,, she lost custody of her kids and had a restraint no order against her.

Men are the physically stronger sex for the most part. You all can knock the shit out of us and physically harm and rape us etc.

I think that you again, go to an extreme and only see in black and white.

[whatruckus]

Chris, just to let you know, this is why there's Feminism. Not all women are like that, not all women are the way you believe. It honestly seems like you have a personal vendetta against women because of the your exes.

However, I will agree that most of the time the police and courts will side with a woman, because, as sasad said, Men are physically stronger. It's just a fact and science. I don't discount that a man can be physically and emotionally abused by a woman, it happens. Anyone can be like that. But, I can see where it's hard to believe that man was abused. It sucks, and that's why there needs to be changes made.

There's many reasons why a woman, or a man, won't go to the police and report what happened to them and that has nothing to do with the person themselves, but rather the society we live in. Slut shaming and victim blaming being #1. For a man, they're deemed as "weak".

[hmrambling]

While you are court mandated to report what happens. What is reported, and to whom. Is subjective. The DAIP(who created the Domestic Violence Wheel in 1977), Nat. Coalition on Domestic and Sexual Violence, the Domestic Violence Hotline, National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, and Rape Abuse Incest National Network. Are all geared towards helping only women.

When my (ex)fiance n' got into it. The cops were involved several times over the four years we were together. She was emotionally abusive towards me. The police just told me to leave. When she said I was emotionally abusive towards her. The police had no problem taking her to the local women's emergency shelter. A woman can scream, physically abuse, even murder, a man. It is called standing up for herself. But if a man does the same thing. He is thrown in prison.

So, Those trained to empower survivors', are only trained to empower female survivors'. Male survivors' are left out in the cold, by a sexist 'system'(in the U.S.). A woman use BWS as a defense. A man can't use anything. Like it is impossible for a man to be abused in any way, shape, or form.

Wrong.

I am mandated to report abuse against elderly and children. Period. Never had I said that I report sexual assault for anyone other than elderly and children.

When I take a hotline phone call, I assist both men and women.

When I go to the hospital to advocate for survivors, I advocate for both men and women survivors.

Please do not misconstrue anything that I've said here.

Edited to add: it is unfair for you to take out your frustration of the court system and police on those who support survivors. Please do not fault those support systems that assist all genders, while you really mean to state your disappointment on the police and justice system.