How an LDR was the most horrible experience of my life.

[Caitlin2009]

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with LDRs persay nor that all people are inherintely bad nor am I trying to instil fear. I'm just saying that an LDR was MY worst experience, that there are a different set of problems within it and giving people my story could be a tool to help them to use discretion when needed. This kind of thing happens to a lot of people. Meeting someone online only to find they're married etc. Heck I know three people in my real life who have been played by someone they met online but I didn't listen but maybe someone will listen now and keep a more level head than I did so they can know if they're with someone legitimate or not. Perhaps next time you should simply read the posts rather than obliquely accusing me of just trying to stir up trouble. None the less, thank you for commenting and I hope whatever your situation is that things continue to go well

maybe. but please cliftnotes version would be helpful its hard to read so much at one time O_o, i do apologize if that wasent the case but like i said not everybodys situation is like that, im sorry that happened to you though

[katsujinken]

Okay, the cliffnotes just for you...

-I met a girl online who has accidental minor internet fame
-She was gorgeous beyond belief, incredibly charming & seemed bright/levelheaded
-I left her a comment & she began followng me on twitter
-We moved from there to email to IM to video chat
-we had much in common and I'd never met a girl who undersood my interests as much
-She kept acting like she really liked me so I asked her if she'd like t meet for real
-she said yes and we continued to get closer spending hours together every day even getting sexy
-one day her housemate sexually assaulted her after she refused to sleep with him
-she went home & her sister was very rude to me but her newphew loved me
-we continued to spend almost all of every day together
-we planned our trip, bought our tickets, told eachother we loved one another then she disappeared

-I got so worried I sent a flower & card
-Her mom said she's mentally ill,
-also compulsive liar, leads people on, never fulfills promises & ran back to this abuser she's been with for five years
-I was shocked & contacted her & she said she was sorry & going home
-she showed me her flight confirmation & gave he mer number
-then she disappeared again
-after weeks she came back apologized agreed to be friends still
-she began to get aggresively flirtateous with me
-she msgd me on the trip to tell me she regretted not being there
-then she failed to give me anything for my brithday like promised so I removed her

-a month later she made more content for a blog from home
-i thought it'd be ok to tell her I was happy she was able to make up with her family
-she got back to me a week later telling me about home
-but then I found she was lying & had run off to this guy yet again
-I have not confronted her about this but she's disappeared on all fronts again

-this has been very difficult on me
-I'd never loved anyone more & nothin has hurt me as much
-I've lost sleep, had trouble concentrating & even cried
-I wish I could help because she's floundering on her own
-I think she may be sociopathic because she's so selfish towards not just me but everyone
-but let this be a warning to you all
-not everyone is bad & I believe in people's goodness so haven't given up
-but you should screwtinize a situation more than I

lol there does that help?

[Caitlin2009]

thank you, lol. well thats horrible and i hope nobody ever has to go through something like that, theres really not much you can do to help her if her own mom says that about her then that says alot, if she's a sociopath you are better off without her because god knows what she is capable of in the future

[LadyMarchHare]

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with LDRs persay nor that all people are inherintely bad nor am I trying to instil fear. I'm just saying that an LDR was MY worst experience, that there are a different set of problems within it and giving people my story could be a tool to help them to use discretion when needed. This kind of thing happens to a lot of people. Meeting someone online only to find they're married etc. Heck I know three people in my real life who have been played by someone they met online and I didn't listen but maybe someone will listen now and keep a more level head than I did so they can know if they're with someone legitimate or not. Perhaps next time you should simply read the posts rather than obliquely accusing me of just trying to stir up trouble. None the less, thank you for commenting and I hope whatever your situation is that things continue to go well

Well no offense but even reading your initial post and everything you've said after, I can see where Caitlin got that impression. I mean look at your thread title, dude. You're basically turning your bad experience into a huge lecture that, while in some ways can be helpful to some here, is more along the lines of "people are liars, online people are bigger liars, get out now or end up like me." I wouldn't wish what you went through on anyone, but you're going about giving a lesson or whatever you hoped to accomplish entirely the wrong way.

[pytsip]

I think you're making a false correlation; much like saying "Well I got a cold the day that I ate sushi so I'm never eating sushi again because it makes me sick." More than likely, sushi was not the cause of your being ill and similarly long distance was not the cause of your bad experience. As others have said, this girl that you got involved with could have lived right across the road and you would have been in the same situation. It sucks, and I'm sorry that you had to go through this because it seems like you really cared about her, but we all get mixed up with bad people from time to time and we just have to take it and learn from it. I'm not saying to swear off long distance relationships or even relationships in general, but I guess that maybe the lesson that we can learn from this is to see the signs of emotional abuse as they arise and try to get out of the situation before things get out of hand.

Lets look at it from another point of view, most abuse is because the abuser feels inferior themselves, therefore they want to bring someone down to their level and so starts the cycle. As it is, she was abused herself and it seems as though she was emotionally abusing you to bring you down to her level, it was easier for her to deal with her abuse if she knew that someone else was feeling crappy and being taken advantage of also. Take this as a lesson and try not to be so co-dependent in your next relationship, if this starts happening again, get out before it gets to the level that this one was at, and possibly if you are treated like this again, you might want to read up on co-dependency and maybe talk to a therapist about it. (My first relationship i learned that I was co-dependent and I did a lot of the same things that you did and tried to help the same way you did until my therapist told me that that was exactly what my boyfriend at the time was trying to do to me).

[katsujinken]

Thank you for not wishing my experience upon anyone else because it's a horrible experience, HORRIBLE experience. Do you know what it's like to love someone so much that you spend every waking hour you can with them for months then they disappear without a trace and you don't know why? Have you ever laid awake at night wondering if if all that was keeping someone from running to you was that you're too far away? Have you ever burst into tears while out with your friends because that person could be getting raped that moment?

'Cause I get the impression that most of you are glossing over the important part because you're so busy defending your own LDRs like I'm attacking it. However, I feel no sour grapes towards any of you. I am happy if others can find something specal however they can. The warning is an incidental. I never said "get out" I'm saying be careful "or end up like me" It's not a lecture, it's "huge" because it's a long and complicated story that I felt benefitted from all pertinant details so you could understand how confusing and hurtful this has been.

You weren't even a member yet when I was here interacting with people telling them how fantastic it was to have come across someone I thought was so special due to a random series of coincidences. That's ok but just so there are no illusions about my story should anyone read it amongst the archives, I've told the rest of it. I do believe in the natural goodness of people but don't kid yourself people are liars, sometimes especially online - it's just a question of why they do it & to what extent. I'm pretty darn genuine & even I do it sometimes.

[katsujinken]

Oh and I'm not, at least I don't think I'm a co-dependant. Normally I'm pretty chill, heck even when my last real life real girlfriend disappeared on me without warning I just swallowed it & went on living but it happening again was too much. But regardless, like I said, I hadn't felt this way over a girl for like 10 years. If it's not frustrating to lose something you find maybe a few times in your life so pointlessly, if it wasn't worth doing everything in my power to try and figure out some resolution before giving up - then I don't know what is.

[pytsip]

https://www.nmha.org/go/codependency

Kinda sounds to me like you are, many times they tie codependency with drugs and alcohol, but domestic violence and in my case mental abuse in the home (my ex boyfriend's mother was very abusive mentally to him) are also applicable.

Edited: And I'm not saying it's a bad thing, as the description says, you have all the best intentions, however, realize that you posses some very convincing qualities of a co-dependent and don't let it get the better of you, that's all I'm saying. I wish you the best of luck in your future relationships, but just keep in mind as do I, that you must always think about yourself first, if it seems as though someone is locking you into this need help and get help cycle, that you may want to step back and re-think your relationship with that person.

[katsujinken]

Thank you for your concern and don't think that I haven't read up on that but if it helps I'll go through the checklist with you so you can see that I'm not I was just very much in love and this has been so stressful and I wanted so much for things to get better that it has effected my usual patterns of behaviour...

It attributes the cause to one's upbringing with examples such as a dysfunctional family
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems may include any of the following:

* An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling. - nope
* The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. - none of that
* The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness. - neither this

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

* An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others - I did beat myself up a lot over what role I played in her self destructive act
* A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue - I loved her waaay before I had any reason to pity her
* A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time - lol my friends actually accuse me the opposite b/c I'm poorer tha them
* A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts - people are very supportive of me
* An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment - normally no.
* An extreme need for approval and recognition - I'm only a BA studying to be a Library Tech, hardly recognition material
* A sense of guilt when asserting themselves - I'm not feeling guilty now
* A compelling need to control others - I don't control others, lol people don't listen to me anyway but I'm always willing to help if I can
* Lack of trust in self and/or others - I'm very trusting otherwise I wouldn't be in this situation
* Fear of being abandoned or alone - I'm an only child, I do fear being alone when my family is gone
* Difficulty identifying feelings - No I know my feelings even when I have many about one subject
* Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change - everybody hates change to some extent, it's the human condition
* Problems with intimacy/boundaries - not really
* Chronic anger - When I was a kid but not for many years
* Lying/dishonesty - I'm very honest
* Poor communications - I'm very articulate
* Difficulty making decisions - I make decisions all the time and usually see them through no matter how hard they end up being

[Moon]

I get what you're saying, katsujinken. When you find someone you feel that intensely about, and they pull that crap, it's absolutely devastating. It had it happen to me about 3 years ago, and it still bothers me because I don't understand what the hell happened, and had no closure. I was left with my head spinning and feeling like I hit in the gut by a Mac truck. To say it's horrible is an understatement, and it definitely changes your view on life and other people for a while I know how you feel, and I wish peace of mind for you.

[LadyMarchHare]

Thank you for not wishing my experience upon anyone else because it's a horrible experience, HORRIBLE experience. Do you know what it's like to love someone so much that you spend every waking hour you can with them for months then they disappear without a trace and you don't know why? Have you ever laid awake at night wondering if if all that was keeping someone from running to you was that you're too far away? Have you ever burst into tears while out with your friends because that person could be getting raped that moment?

'Cause I get the impression that most of you are glossing over the important part because you're so busy defending your own LDRs like I'm attacking it. However, I feel no sour grapes towards any of you. I am happy if others can find something specal however they can. The warning is an incidental. I never said "get out" I'm saying be careful "or end up like me" It's not a lecture, it's "huge" because it's a long and complicated story that I felt benefitted from all pertinant details so you could understand how confusing and hurtful this has been.

You weren't even a member yet when I was here interacting with people telling them how fantastic it was to have come across someone I thought was so special due to a random series of coincidences. That's ok but just so there are no illusions about my story should anyone read it amongst the archives, I've told the rest of it. I do believe in the natural goodness of people but don't kid yourself people are liars, sometimes especially online - it's just a question of why they do it & to what extent. I'm pretty darn genuine & even I do it sometimes.

It's very easy to 'gloss over the details' when you're giving a different impression that just uses your story as an example more than the very reason you made the thread to begin with. The reason you may feel we're defending them is, as previously mentioned, you're blaming a mountain 300 miles away for the boulder that flattened your car. You're pointing a finger at the wrong thing and, naturally this being a place where we try and make LDRs seem more approachable via our own stories, we're gonna stand up and raise Cain. As for your questions, actually I have, and guess what? That friend cared as much about me as the man on the moon. People can be horrible, yes they can be liars, believe me I'm the daughter of a sociopath, but one bad apple does not spoil the entire tree or the entire orchard. Take this instead as a learning experience, get counseling for the feelings still welled up inside you as well as the co-dependency (as I do agree you show signs of it), and don't let this make you a bitter person towards others online who are potentially datable or people in general.

Humanity as a whole is vile, it's just a matter of figuring out what shade matches yours and she was on the opposite end of the scale and heading onto a different, very acidic one.

[katsujinken]

Really? So the person of your dreams left you without warning for a a rapist? Wow that is quite the coincidence! Oh thank goodness it all.. it all makes the pain melt away that finally someone understands! Bless you kind lady you are truely a healer of our age :P And I resent you again calling me co-dependant based on ONE experience. At least I know this girl well enough to relate multiple examples back to each sociopathic trait but I simply don't fit the psychological pofile of a co-dependant

Since you're such an expert in psychology perhaps you also glossed over the checklist that I willingly applied to myself but let me reiterate - I don't come from a home of dysfunction or abuse, I loved her when I thought she was normal, I feel no particular need for praise or recognition, I help how I can but probably could do more, I'm generally in touch with the feelings of myself and others, I'm honest, trusting and articulate eg I AM NOT co-dependant - yeesh.

As for your assertations that I am using spurious reasoning. Right, that she was lying about her daily activites such as school? Nothing to do with it being an LDR, I wouldn't have noticed that in person. That she was able to cover the true nature of her relationship that rapist? Nothing to do with it being an LDR, I'd never be in her home in person. That she was able to lie to me about her location when she came back? Nothing to do with it being an LDR, it's not like I'd try to see her ASAP.

Nope, you heard Lady here, LDRs are perfect and there are no pitfalls that can come from them and anyone who suggests otherwise is just jealous of your love. In fact, if anyone here has a significant other less than 100miles away you should probably dump them because you're missing out on the perfect magical world of LDRs. If you think I could stand to talk to a professional that's one thing but do not deny my reasonable precautions or suggest that I'm mentally ill because of how much this has hurt me.

[LadyMarchHare]

Was the sarcasm honestly needed? I understand I may not sound the kindest soul at the moment but really that's a bit uncalled for. I am no psychologist but I know from personal experience these things are not always what the textbooks say. I never said you did have it or did not, I gave an opinion as only someone without a degree in such a field, much less a PhD, can.

I could sit here and wax poetic about every LDR my best friend went through that was hell, her last one ending similarly to yours, but I won't since I can clearly see it's a waste of my time since you are firmly grounded in your belief that because you two weren't in the same room she was a nutcase. As for you being ill, ever heard the term PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Guess what? You get it from these sorts of situations. Guess what again? You can only cure it through therapy. Does it make you sick in the head? No, but it screws with you all the same. I'm not on a psychological high horse or any other, so get off yours buddy.

[Zephii]

you're so busy defending your own LDRs like I'm attacking it.

This ^ seriously.

Yes, I get the technicality of saying that being long distance didn't cause his misery, the girl did. But how did she? Because they were in a romantic relationship. What kind of relationship was it? Long distance.
Right, so you can see how saying "a LDR was the most horrible experience of my life" makes sense, looking at it that way?
Seriously though people, we don't need to be so defensive! He's not attacking OUR relationships, he's just warning us of what can and does happen. Yes, it can happen CD too, but with more and more people falling in love over the internet it is a very valid warning because people haven't been courting each other over the net for hundreds of years, some of us miss the signals or just trust too easily.

To the OP:
I remember you from chat I am very sorry it worked out that way. *shakes head* It's very sad. It's going to be hard, and it's going to hurt like hell for a long time, but you will get past this. Please, for your own sake, cut contact with her and give yourself time to heal. Being sick doesn't make her a bad person, you're right. But that doesn't mean it's ok to let her hurt you any more. You're a good person too. Show yourself the love you've been wasting on her.
In time, someone will come along and love you back in the way you deserve. And that person will connect with you on all the levels this girl did, it is possible. Don't think that this was your one chance to happiness, alright?
Hang in there.
Peace, Hugs & Carrots xx

[LadyMarchHare]

I can agree with you on some points, Zephii, but how one words things on the internet makes a world of difference and I believe that's what had everyone covering their asses. I personally felt this was all an angry rant from a hurt soul more than what it probably was meant to be--a warning. I do maintain that with people like that woman, even being CD won't matter a great deal, especially if they're a pathological liar or just determined to hide their real selves. Is every problematic relationship like that? No, but for this case that's my opinion. Dating/courting/whatever you'd like to call it has changed in mannerism where very young people, I'm talking 15 or so, throw caution to the wind. It's very necessary to make sure the truths are valid, but we do preach trust a great deal here so it is a double-edged sword.