Want advice/opinions about this situation

[Chris516]

In this case his ex's family lives in a different state, she has friends, but still always wants help only from him. This is a situation that probably won't change, it seems to work for them, if it didn't he would have already done something about it. This makes me think that the person that doesn't have to be in that picture is me. The negatives are a lot more than the positives I could obtain from pursuing that relationship.

Isn't she the one that broke up with him? I can certainly see why you feel a 'fifth wheel'(maybe I mean 'third wheel'). You don't deserve to be treated that way.

If it's just an ex - well that's easy enough to break from. When you have kids, that changes the dynamic considerably. A person will tend to do more if their child is involved over just an ex. You have a responsibility to that child. Unfortunately, some people use that as a guilt factor into getting the other parent to help when they can easily have someone else help.

The existence of kids certainly changes the dynamic. There have been cases where the parent chose the relationship over the kids, and the kids paid with their lives.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Smith

OP, I am not saying that is the situation in your case.

[sasad]

Isn't she the one that broke up with him? I can certainly see why you feel a 'fifth wheel'(maybe I mean 'third wheel'). You don't deserve to be treated that way.


The existence of kids certainly changes the dynamic. There have been cases where the parent chose the relationship over the kids, and the kids paid with their lives.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Susan_Smith

OP, I am not saying that is the situation in your case.

What a horrible thing to even post as that was a person with mental issues.
Have children and see what it really feels like to understand how it works.

[zaily]

Kids should always be a priority. The fact that the parents have a relationship with someone doesn't mean the children should be abandoned, someone who doesn't take care of their child isn't someone worthy. Taking care of the kid has to come first, taking care of the other parent is something totally different.

[Chris516]

What a horrible thing to even post as that was a person with mental issues.
Have children and see what it really feels like to understand how it works.

How what works?

[R&R]

How what works?

Dating someone with young kids and knowing they come first. Having to deal with that chiilds father and knowing he will always be involved. Having children of your own that are your priority.

[hmrambling]

I would first like to say that if you met someone online only a month ago that it is likely that you are not in a position to plan to uproot yourself. It has been only a month.

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone. It sounds like the information that you've learned about this guy is not anything that you are ready to commit to.

Furthermore, it sounds like he is already committed to maintaining a family dynamic in that he not only wants to see his child, but spend time with the child's mother. It is possible that they have a fantastic friendship and that he helps her a lot and that he likes to spend a lot of time with his child and his child's mother.

Let's say these are all facts.

Is that something you can deal with?

If not, it has only been another month. There are plenty of other people out there in the world.

Perhaps people who don't have children.

Perhaps people who don't have an attachment to the mother of their children.

Perhaps people who don't want you to move in.

If someone seems emotionally unavailable to you because they are emotionally tied to other people, then that may very well be the case.

Trust your gut.

[zaily]

There were many other things that made me feel unease in my interactions with the man I talked about. We didn't text the whole day, only talked on the phone at night for a while and while we were on the phone I could hear that he was chatting in whatsapp while we talked the whole time, I could hear the notifications and he barely paid attention to our conversation, I said something and most times he didn't hear it because he was lost in whatsapp. I found it rude and I told him it felt bad that he did so, he stopped doing it for one day and then went back to do it. He talked with people on whatsapp the whole day, the same ones with whom he chatted while we were on the phone. In all the time that we were in a long distance relationship (more than one year), when I told him about some issue, if we had the slightest disagreement he usually told me to just be friends because he couldn't handle "couple problems", I told him ok and then the next day or many times the same day he regretted and asked for forgiveness. I told him that it didn't feel good that he kept doing that so often, but it kept happening anyway. The lack of stability was something else that contributed to me not feeling at ease pursuing something real/more serious with him. Many times I thought if I wasn't being over demanding or expecting too much from him, but now I fully realize that wasn't the case, I really didn't ask for anything from him, quite the contrary.

I thank you all for taking the time to post your opinion about this, your insight added to everything I had on my mind helped me to see very clearly that this was not a relationship that was worth pursuing, nor it was going to be good for me in the long run. I have distanced myself from him, it doesn't feel good, but I know that is the best thing to do in this case.

[Chris516]

I would first like to say that if you met someone online only a month ago that it is likely that you are not in a position to plan to uproot yourself. It has been only a month.

The purpose of dating is to get to know someone. It sounds like the information that you've learned about this guy is not anything that you are ready to commit to.

Furthermore, it sounds like he is already committed to maintaining a family dynamic in that he not only wants to see his child, but spend time with the child's mother. It is possible that they have a fantastic friendship and that he helps her a lot and that he likes to spend a lot of time with his child and his child's mother.

Let's say these are all facts.

Is that something you can deal with?

If not, it has only been another month. There are plenty of other people out there in the world.

Perhaps people who don't have children.

Perhaps people who don't have an attachment to the mother of their children.

Perhaps people who don't want you to move in.

If someone seems emotionally unavailable to you because they are emotionally tied to other people, then that may very well be the case.

Trust your gut.

Ditto(thumbs up)