How do you know you'd be living-together compatible?

[TampaLove]

I've done a couple of LDR's before (I'm in Ohio; did one in CA when I was in college, and over the last 5 years have done 3 more...one in Texas, one in FL, and one in PA. None lasted more than a few months other than the original one in CA. Embarking on another one now, but at least we're in the same state this time).

I was younger and more naive with the previous LDRs, and didn't think much past the compatibility of interests and similarities of our personalities. But now I'm thinking more about the compatibility of living together/being married (in general with LDRs, I'm in no way thinking that with regards to my new SO at this juncture, as we're brand new). It's easy to find commonalities and feel connected to someone, and share the same morals and values and compatibilities about what activities you enjoy, types of movies/food/music you both like, etc. But how do you know that you'd be compatible in lifestyle and daily living when you don't get the opportunity to spend much time together on a regular basis? And when you do, it feels more like an escape from real life or a vacation? What happens when real life sets in after you've closed the distance and moved in together and are trying to get used to being in the same house day after day, doing chores and dealing with day to day living stuff when you never got to ease into it like in regular relationships that do it slowly over time? And what if when you're together all the time now and you find out or realize things that were either not discussed or that were not completely truthful?

I started thinking about this partially by watching the tv shows Married at First Sight and 90 Day Fiancé. I remember the difficulties my (close distance) ex-BF and I had when we moved in together after a year of dating and seeing each other 3-5 days/nights a week. I can only imagine the extra difficulties that can arise when you only see each other in good times a few times a month or year. My ex and I ultimately split up because he was turning into a problem drinker and started smoking too much weed, which is something I never would have seen if we weren't spending so much time together and then living together. What if you close the distance and/or marry them, thinking you know everything you need to know, and then find out things about them that ultimately cause the demise of your relationship and you've moved and given up your life/ruined everything and have to start over?

Tell me your thoughts. If you've done it, what were the hardest and easiest parts of being together/living together all the time after you closed the distance? Bonus points if you were older and used to living alone. Did you ever find out big things that were issues that you wish you had the chance to know before, and probably would have if you'd been close distance?

[xxcazaxx]

I have only ever lived with one boyfriend and that was my ex of 10 years who had always been a closed distance relationship. I don't think that I would marry someone without living with them first incase we turned out being incompatible living together (that said, one of my best friends is very traditional and moved in with her husband after they got married and it has worked out great for them, they were also closed distance).

[R&R]

Actually, of the 3 men I've lived with in my life, it was the LDR one that was the smoothest of the 3. The other two were CD and when we moved in together, that's when things changed. (I'm 45, btw.)

I honestly believe that my LDR relationship gave me the time to really get to know him better because we had to talk. We had to communicate about things. We were married a week after I arrived in CA. The hardest part wasn't between us but because my teenagers decided to stay in NH during the school year, so I didn't see them often enough. That's actually what eventually broke us. If my kids had moved with me, I'm sure we'd still be together.

I don't think it's necessarily if you were CD or LDR first, I think it's a matter of the two people and what they are willing to do to make it work. You can be CD with someone and then find out you didn't know them at all when you move in together or get married.

[Elizabeth123]

Actually, of the 3 men I've lived with in my life, it was the LDR one that was the smoothest of the 3. The other two were CD and when we moved in together, that's when things changed. (I'm 45, btw.)

I honestly believe that my LDR relationship gave me the time to really get to know him better because we had to talk. We had to communicate about things. We were married a week after I arrived in CA. The hardest part wasn't between us but because my teenagers decided to stay in NH during the school year, so I didn't see them often enough. That's actually what eventually broke us. If my kids had moved with me, I'm sure we'd still be together.

I don't think it's necessarily if you were CD or LDR first, I think it's a matter of the two people and what they are willing to do to make it work. You can be CD with someone and then find out you didn't know them at all when you move in together or get married.

Bold and underlining my addition.
Yes, exactly what R&R said....My husband and I are about to finally close the distance.
It's a major change....but we want to be together and communication is the key to growing our relationship.
Will there be challenges? I know it...that's called life. I see my partner and I working together to learn and discover our new life.

[Honour]

Yeah, I agree that R&R pretty much nailed it on the head. Of course, being LD to begin with doesn't mean living with your partner will always go smoothly, but it's likely that the transition won't be so much of a shock in the end because I suppose in a way you've "lived" in each others' lives for a length of time already. This is how I know my SO and I will be better off: sure, we can argue and bicker at times, and yes, we don't always agree, but we spend time together enough to know that maybe it wouldn't be so hard as if we'd been CD first.

[Rezie]

This is something I have been thinking and strugling with quite a bit. Me and my partner are seriously thinking of closing the distance. There are still a lot of factors that we are working with. He came to visit for a longer visit to see how we were compatible domestically. I felt like it didn't go as well as it could have and there were quite a few qualities that I didn't appreciate. This included his lack of initiative, helplessness in kitchen and housework and quite lazy personality. I'm not saying my way is better, but these were just personalty differences. I had notice some before but due to "holiday" type settings I had let them go. Before this longer visit he was fairly certain that thigs would be very difficult and the adjustment would be hard but after he had to head home he thought everything went so well and we are so compatible. We will propably see another set of a longer visit to see how it goes now that we have talked about the previous visit. I would like to add that we are not impulsive and like safety therefore this type of arraingement is the best for us.

When closing the distance we have talked about getting our own flats so then we can slowly ease into living together permanently like CD couples. Then we would see how it goes and move in. It may become apparent that we were meant to be a LDR couple or it will work out. The important thing is that your partner knows your worries when you close the distance. I'm sure that there will be an adjustment period and some suprises with all couples, especially LD. It all comes down to if you can adjust to the changes and if the good stuff make it all worth it. It would suck if you would realize you are not compatible but that can happen with anyone

[edduhmaster]

I think you will never know until you start living togheter. So don't allow your fears to come up to it. Be open about and try to put both of you from your parts to make it work.
I've done it after a year, and were living togheter for 4. Easiest parts, that i thought we were made for each other and accepted many things that were not common in my house, and made her feel like she owned the place, even though that was a mistake.

[Chris516]

I have only ever lived with one boyfriend and that was my ex of 10 years who had always been a closed distance relationship. I don't think that I would marry someone without living with them first incase we turned out being incompatible living together (that said, one of my best friends is very traditional and moved in with her husband after they got married and it has worked out great for them, they were also closed distance).

I lived with one LDR after we eventually became CD. Absolute compatibility was(and is in any given situation) an impossible goal. Sure there were things about her that bothered me. But I had to constantly be on my toes because of her Bi-Polar Disorder. Part of the 'compatibility' was my willingness to forgive her every time she did something. Par for the course when someone you are involved with romantically, has bad mental illness.

I don't think it's necessarily if you were CD or LDR first, I think it's a matter of the two people and what they are willing to do to make it work. You can be CD with someone and then find out you didn't know them at all when you move in together or get married.

Very well said. My (ex)wife, who her parent's finally admitted that she was not the 'perfect' daughter (who actually has a developmental disability) was a CD situation from the start. We were married eight years. But almost three of those years, we were separated. My first (ex)fiance was an LDR situation that went to CD soon. But, Despite her mental health issues, it was CD for 4+yrs.. There lots' of good times, but also a lot of bad times. My second (ex)fiance, remained LDR the whole time. While her mental health kept it at LDR. She never said a mean thing to me. I am not trying to imply LDR or CD, which is better. Just saying that, as we all know on LFAD. That being CD from the start is not a formula for emotional success, or at least emotional happiness.

Another way of putting it could be, 'the girl next door', physically looking like a blond bombshell. But her emotional/mental/psychological personality was a bombshell of an entirely different kind.

[lucybelle]

Just like any couple- you don't know until you move in together. I suppose it's somewhat of a greater risk since the person moving is moving from out of state or abroad, but it's still a risk. Just like any couple.

When my SO moved in with me I had a backup plan. We had known each other for 2 years but only been together physically for about 2 weeks. I knew it was a gamble, but we rolled the dice anyways. Nearly 5 years later, we couldn't be happier.

[sasad]

Just like any couple- you don't know until you move in together. I suppose it's somewhat of a greater risk since the person moving is moving from out of state or abroad, but it's still a risk. Just like any couple.

When my SO moved in with me I had a backup plan. We had known each other for 2 years but only been together physically for about 2 weeks. I knew it was a gamble, but we rolled the dice anyways. Nearly 5 years later, we couldn't be happier.

This and R&R!

I am older too, and living alone (I have custody of now 11 yo that I split weeks with his dad). You do get to learn more LD as you have too. SO and I set some ground rules first visit we had. We are our own people and like being apart as that makes together better. People change as they live and grow. What you consider lazy may be his way of letting you take control etc. Don't assume stuff, always talk. Don't let it fester and destroy, talk it out and make compromises.
We mesh so well when we are together. We both are tuned in. Maybe some is age?